Why kids leave church: our dirty little secret

It's hard to estimate how many articles, books, and blog posts I've read concerning the topic of "why" children abandon church as they transition into adulthood.  People blame culture/peer-pressure, lack of quality youth programs, and the irrelevance of the modern consumer-driven church.  I have a sneaking suspicion the real reason is closer to home.

Each person is unique, and everyone has their own set of circumstances that shapes them.  This brief post cannot be exhaustive, nor can it claim to pinpoint everyone.  My opinions here are shaped by what I've observed in 20 + years of ministry, and may not coincide with your views.  My hope is, we can turn things around and make changes that will nurture the faith of future generations.

The first observation I will make has to do with Attitude.
It shouldn't come as a surprise to adults when their children have a bad taste in their mouths over church, when these same adults complain & criticize their local church.  I've seen second and third generation Christians nitpick every aspect of their church family, and then act frustrated when their children walk out the back door of the church.  Regardless of how nostalgic you are about your youth rallies and the glory days of church camp, you can't send mixed messages and expect your children to escape from your negativity.

My next observation has to do with Activity.
It's immature to expect our young people to be more involved or engaged than the adults.  I've taught Wednesday night classes, Sunday morning classes and everything in between at church.  Watching adults chit-chat and skip class or the worship service, while they expected their children to attend, used to irritate me.  Now it concerns me.  I see now the damage from the adults who "loved" their church, but felt too mature or important to attend the events they forced on their children.

Then, somewhere between Attitude and Activity, there are the adults who "take their toys" and go home when they don't get their way.  What message does this send home...?

But what about the mature believers who had great attitudes, were healthy, and were very active but still their children leave church?  Again, everyone has unique circumstances, so this post can't possibly explain what happens to everyone.  I will say, there are people whom I love and respect, but their children didn't embrace their parent's faith.  What went wrong?  Sadly, even when we do all we can as parents, there are always church squabbles and unhealthy leaders our children are exposed to, situations beyond our control that can do more harm than good.    

My guess is, more children become disillusioned with church because of what they see at home... if they overhear unhealthy conversations lambasting their church, if they witness hypocrisy in their parents, and if they see a disconnect in their parent's behaviors and the message.

We don't live in a perfect world, and we aren't perfect.  So what can we do?

For starters, show some grace to those you worship with.  Be more tolerant, and extend ample forgiveness to those you disagree with.  Guard your tongue and be careful in what you say about others.

Next, be honest about your inconsistencies.  Be vulnerable with your children.  Share your struggles, and take responsibility for your shortcomings without blaming others.

Finally, focus more on Jesus & imitating Him.  Sounds too simplistic, I'm sure.  I'm open to hearing your suggestions.

A topic I've never preached on...

(Last Friday's column, 8/29/14)

I have a confession, in over 20 years of ministry, I’ve never preached on gluttony.  It’s not that I’m opposed to being fit, nor am I ignorant on the dangers of gluttony.  By the way, how many sermons have you heard about gluttony...?

For most of my adult life I’ve been exercising in one gym or another.  When I was in my 20’s I competed in powerlifting; even though I’ve scaled back on the intensity of my regimen, exercising is still a big priority. In all my years of lifting, I’ve never really worried about slimming down. I know I need to shed a few pounds, but my friends reassure me by simply saying I “carry my weight well...”  For example, I have a friend who jokingly calls me “BB” which is short for “big boned.”   I’ve enjoyed weight training, but I’ve never had the discipline to diet.  To me, the key word to dieting was always, “Tomorrow.”  Well, tomorrow has crash landed.

Why is gluttony suddenly on my radar?  For two reasons.  

First, this past June I attended a Pastor’s breakfast hosted by Eastman.  Most of the speakers at the Eastman breakfast emphasized how Tennessee has a poor national ranking in our overall health status, especially our high rate of obesity.  As they were recruiting the help of the local church to encourage our community to eat healthier, Eastman’s Perry Stuckey delivered a passionate plea, seeking our help in guiding families to be more conscious of the choices we make in selecting meals and how we eat and exercise.  Eastman even had a representative from the Governor’s office to talk about the Governor's new initiative “Heather Tennessee” which is online at http://healthiertn.com and next month they will add a tab for churches called “Small Starts @ Worship” too.

Secondly, I recently ended up in the ER -- I thought my ears were rupturing, my eyes felt like they were bulging out, and the top of my head felt like it was exploding.  My blood pressure was 196/113; that was high enough to make feel like I was about to die.  I’m no medical professional and I know hypertension can be from genetics, but I also know what I eat and how much I eat contributes as well.

I’ve lost 20 pounds within the last month simply by adding cardio to my regimen and by practicing (for the first time in my life) portion control.  I’d like to shed another 20 pounds -- I’m working hard to be prescription free if at all possible.  It is possible for us all to be healthier, but it won’t happen with magical thinking.  The effort is worth it though -- heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and other chronic health issues are scientifically tied to inactivity and overeating.

Though I’ve never preached on gluttony, I’d like to share a few thoughts with you my reading friends.  Gluttony is a sin, and like most every sin, it is misusing a good blessing.  Think of it like this, is money evil?  No.  When we hoard money and crave it, we call that greed.  Greed, stealing money, or the “love of money” is the sin, not money itself.  Is sex a sin?  No, sex is a wonderful blessing, it’s a gift.  When sex is disrespected through pornograhy or when we betray our spouse’s trust through an affair, that’s a sin.  Is talking a sin?  No.  When we lie or slander people, we misuse the gift of language by corrupting Truth.  

Ample and delicious food testifies to God’s love and care for us, “Yet he did not leave himself without witness, for he did good by giving you rains from heaven and fruitful seasons, satisfying your hearts with food and gladness.” (Acts 14:17 ESV)  Also consider, “I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God's gift to man.” (Ecclesiastes 3:12-13 ESV)  The best way to show we appreciate a gift is to treat it respectfully and cherish it, not abuse it.  Gluttony is abusing one of God’s greatest gifts, food.  

Please consider exercising daily and the dietary choices you make; take control of your appetites -- don’t let your appetites control you, us, me.  Of all the people, we as believers should exhibit self-control since self-control is listed with the fruit of the Spirit in Gal 5:23.  I also want to be a better ambassador for Jesus; when people meet me and learn I’m a believer and a preacher, I have an obligation to represent Jesus well.  Fellow ministers who may be reading this & need to get healthier too, please consider: How well are we representing our congregations or reflecting Jesus’ influence by the shape we are in?

Why the wet-blanket on the ALS Ice Bucket challenge?

Several social media sites have similar images, as the one above.  What's up with the hashtag: #NoIceBucketChallenge?

My wife accepted the #ALS ice bucket challenge, and "called out" a few of her friends.  I've been called out a few times, and though you are supposed to do the challenge in 24 hours, I'm sure I will, but I have twist I want to add.

BTW, I don't feel any responsibility to defend or critique the ALS challenge, but I find it interesting that people are upset about it (what do you think is the reason behind the naysaying?).  I think people dislike the ALS challenge because THEY THINK it's too easy or a bandwagon thing and it's a distraction from some of the other world problems we have going on, like the recent riots in Ferguson MO, Putin's activity in the Ukraine, the war in the Gaza strip, or journalists being beheaded.

If my assumptions are accurate, then the people who are upset about the ALS challenge are narrow minded -- in the sense that they forget the world will always have problems and it's hard to focus on them all or highlight them all at once.  I like the saying, "Do for one where you can, what you wish you could do for the many."  If we only focused on patching up "all or none" then nothing would ever be better...

As for my twist, I think I'll wait till the middle of this winter to do the ice bucket challenge.  I think this for two reasons.  By this winter I think a lot of people will be on to something else and it will be a good reminder.  Secondly, it will remind me of the polar bear plunge.

Releasing a painful past

Mosaic art is interesting, because it's an art that utilizes brokenness.  Instead of discarding shattered pieces of pottery or glass, the artist makes a new creation out of the "worthless" broken material.  

Probably the most painful damage we suffer in this life is self-inflicted.  When we re-hash our mistakes or the mistakes of others against us, and we replay those old scenes over & over again in our minds, we will never find freedom from the past that's haunting us.

You can't hope to punish others or yourself and hope for fulfilment simultaneously; you must choose one or the other.  You can either continue to re-live your past, or you can build a new future, but you can't have both.

You may think I'm talking about forgiveness, and in a sense you're right.  But I expect you've read enough about forgiveness to know you can't expect an instant miracle.  You expect to feel free and renewed but you aren't yet.  What's wrong with you, or God, you might ask.  Maybe you can't overcome the past because you still see all the pain and the destructiveness of that horrible chapter in your life, and your imagination and attention is still glued to the mistakes which were played out in your past.  Until we go through the stages of forgiveness, like admitting we hate the offender (for awhile) and getting past the hate to see the humanness in all off ourselves, and then forming a desire to move on, we are going to stay "stuck" somewhere along the way.  

How do I get over "it" and move on?  There are several answers, most you've already heard.  Let me throw out one maybe you haven't thought of.  God is referred to as a potter in the Scripture, you know, "He is the potter and we are the clay."  I want you to think of an analogy, that of a mosaic.  Pick up the broken pieces of your life and make them into something more beautiful than you had before the trainwreck happened.  

How can we do that?  One piece at a time.  Patiently.  And by God's hand.  If your hand is jealously clinging tightly to broken pieces of the past, so tight your blood is oozing between your fingers, how can God or anyone help you transform your tragedy?  Use those bloody shards as a palate of colors to create a piece so glorious, it casts a brighter light than your darkest past ever could have.

Finding Freedom's fulfilment

These days, we visit our doctors to avoid illnesses.  In other words, we see our doctors to stay healthy, not just to get healthy.  But not so when I was a child.  Usually at home, a pack of Bandaids, a dab of mercurochrome, a couple of aspirin, or a heating pad did the trick.  Doctors were only to be seen when you were “really” sick -- when mom was left stymied by an unsuccessful home remedy.  

Back in the day, Preventive medicine resembled, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” Health & wellness visits were not part of our vocabulary.  I can’t recall a single instance of either of my parents seeing our family doctor.  My only memories of our doctor are of her setting a few broken bones for me, and over the years administering vaccinations from her single glass syringe -- reusing needles that were stored in a glass jar of antiseptic... And yes, we drank out of the garden hose and survived that too.  

With it being the 4th, Freedom is on all of our minds today.  A nation’s scale of freedom is relative, but I feel we are blessed as the freest of the free.  How long will we enjoy our unique freedom and how far will America’s freedom reach?  There’s no telling.  Is there a freedom that isn’t bound by borders, that can’t be defended by military might, a freedom that truly liberates, and overshadows the American ideal of freedom?  Yes, and it’s found only in Jesus.  

My eyes get misty and I get choked up singing our National Anthem.  Often, if I’m at an event where the Pledge is recited I let out an “amen” at the conclusion.  I love our country. I also recognize the only residents who will enjoy ultimate freedom, are the ones Paul wrote of in Phil 3:20-21, “But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.”

So, why don’t we experience more of the freedom Jesus promised?  In JN 8:36 Jesus said, “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”  Why do so many Christians find themselves entangled in infidelity or ensnared by habitual deception?  Why do some practice manipulation or feed their own narcissism?   Maybe, too many believers treat their relationship with Jesus the same way we treated medical professionals when I was a child.  In other words, there’s no freedom from sin if I only go to Jesus when I finally feel the symptoms of sin.  

Certainly we need to go to God when we stumble, especially if we’ve neglected our relationship with God for way too long.  Sin & shame will crush our spirits to the point we suffer psychosomatic symptoms.  Ps 31:10, “For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away.”  My point isn’t to avoid God when we feel remorse because we’ve slacked off in our walk with Jesus; my point is if we long for freedom, then we need more of God in our lives consistently to experience His freedom fully.

Sin is the sickness of the soul that leads to death, and Jesus has the cure, but for a more fulfilling sense of freedom in Christ, we need to seek Him out daily.  We need to be fed spiritually daily if we want to have the most freedom Jesus offers.  We don’t water our gardens once in the spring and then expect a thriving harvest in the fall.  Neither can we sip on the Living Water occasionally and expect to escape the wicked bondage of sin.  

If we only crack open our Bibles Sundays at 10:00 a.m., or pray only in troubled times, spiritually we are as malnutritioned as ancient mariners suffering from scurvy.  Freedom to live out what God created us for happens when we are near the Lord, “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” (II Cor 3:17)  Prayer, Scripture, sharing communion with fellow believers, and a life of faith draws us closer to the sources of spiritual freedom.  The good news is, Jesus wants to liberate us; He invites us to find rest in His presence, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matt 11:28)

So tonight, as fireworks light the night’s sky, while we shout “God bless America!” holding our hands over our hearts, filled with gratitude because brave young men and women in uniform are defending our country’s freedom with their lives, may we remember to celebrate our eternal freedom everyday of the year.  

How to have a lifelong, spicy, fulfilling sex life

A few years ago I saw a movie where two grandparents were at the dinner table talking with a confused grandchild.  Their grandchild shocked them by saying it's impossible and unreasonable to think that you could have sex with the same person all your life, to just have one lover, to just be happy with only person all your life.

As I think about that movie scene, I want to scream "That is bunk!"  It's not only possible to be monogamous for life, it's what brings the most satisfaction!

I'm blessed.  No doubt about it, I'm a lucky guy.  My wife Tammy and I have been married for over 26 years now, and for some reason, I'm drawn to her more now than ever.  It's hard to explain, and I'll try to unpack this, but I find Tammy more attractive and more desirable sexually as the years go by.  It's as if I'm seeing her for the first time as the years pass.  She keeps getting more beautiful and more desirable to me, and I think it's because of the keys I'll share here.

And, in case you are nervous, I'll keep this post G rated.

You would think getting married as teenagers, that our sexual peak would've come and gone by now.  Or, you might think that as the years transform our appearance, with my young bride now in her mid-40's she would no longer "do it" for me, and I would not find her as attractive as when we met.  You'd be dead wrong to think so.  She is drop dead gorgeous to me.

I find myself continually daydreaming about Tammy, and when we are together I can't keep my eyes off of her.  She is hotter than ever in my eyes.  I can't keep my hands off her if we walk past each other in the kitchen.  If I leave the living room, I want to go past her and kiss her, or squeeze her...  I simply can't get enough of her.

Before I go much further, let me clarify an important point.  You might wonder, does this mean we never have arguments or get angry with each other?  Are we in some Utopian parallel universe?  No, we live in the real world, and we have arguments.  We disagree like every other couple.  We frustrate each other from time to time too.

So, what's the key to finding a fulfilling sex life?

How do you continually fall in love with the same person over a lifetime?  Certainly relationship studies show that infatuation fades over time, usually within the 1st 2 years of a relationship.  You might think by now that I'm crazy; after all, most marriages end in divorce and many marriages suffer frustration.  Being satisfied and fulfilled by your spouse is a series of choices you make.

For starters, don't complain about your spouse to your friends.  I have never complained about Tammy to any of my friends.  Again, we do have normal and healthy arguments.  We are not always happy with each other every second of the day.  But I do not critique and talk trash about Tammy when I'm upset.  Don't dwell on the negative, or soon that's all you'll see.  Once you start talking negatively about your spouse to others, you begin to reinforce within your psyche your spouse is inferior, and you deserve better...  Deal with your conflicts, handle your problems, and work things out with your spouse without smearing their reputation amongst your friends.

It's not hard to find your spouse irresistible, when you think about it, it's fairly simple.  Job said, “I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin?" (Job 31:1)  This means you purposely don't stare at the opposite sex.  If you allow yourself to lust over someone other than your spouse, you sabotage your own satisfaction in your bedroom.  Don't look at porn.  Men, don't pick up the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated.  Once you go down the path of looking at someone other than your spouse to arouse yourself, you forfeit the satisfaction the God intended for you by blessing you with your spouse.  

This isn't a post on porn, but I will say if you are into porn, you only hurt yourself and hurt the chances of being satisfied with your spouse.  Take this to heart too, "Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love." (Proverbs 5:18-19 ESV) I like that, be "drunk" with your wife's body.

Another key ingredient to having a great sex life is having a mutual desire to please each other, in and out of the bedroom.  If you can't be courteous and do nice things, or offer compliments to your spouse throughout the day, you shouldn't be surprised if your sex life is mediocre.  I try everyday to tell Tammy she looks good or tell her how what she is wearing looks good, and I try everyday to thank her for even the small things.  We also share life's responsibilities together.  If I grill dinner, and she prepares the sides, I try to thank her.  This spills over into the bedroom too.  We actually like to please each other, neither of us are "selfish lovers" as the saying goes.  If you want a great sex life, it starts with wanting to please your spouse, over fulfilling your own needs.

Once you aim for pleasing your spouse, like magic, you find deeper satisfaction than ever.  And, you need to be behind closed doors as often as possible with your spouse.  Consider what Paul wrote, "Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.  For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.  Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:1-5 ESV)

Another important key to a great sex life is having fun, yes in and out of the bedroom.  Laugh together.  Tammy and I laugh together so hard at times we cry.  When I say have fun in the bedroom, I'm not simply talking about the mechanics of the act itself, I mean actually learn to laugh when something comical happens.

And realize sex is a gift.  It is meant to be enjoyed.  I couldn't narrow down the Song of Solomon to just one quote here, though I'll share a quote in the end. God has a plan for marriage, and if you've ever read the Song of Solomon, you know that a steamy bedroom is part of the magic... There are so many verses in the Song of Solomon illuminating the pleasures of sex, I will just recommend you read it in its entirety to gain a better understanding that sex is meant to be enjoyed.

A great sex life requires a lot of communication.  It requires a little coaching too.  You'd be amazed the doors you can open when you mutually express what you enjoy.  Don't be shy with your spouse, you are married after all :-)  I'd add to this too, text messages throughout the day about how you miss each other and how you are looking forward to reconnecting that night can really fan the flames!

A great sex life is built on a balance of spending time together and time apart.  Growing up, our next door neighbors were postal workers.  They had the same shift at the post office.  They were together all day, every day.  They divorced after about 10 years because they got sick of each other.  We need to be together with our spouses as often as possible, but we also need time apart.  Too much time apart opens you up for temptations (look back up at the I Cor 7 passage), but the proper amount of time apart builds anticipation and you can't wait to be back in each other's arms.  When I miss Tammy, because one of us are out of town, I go crazy thinking about her.

A spicy sex life really begins when we follow God's plan, and that might sound strange to some reading this.  God gave us the gift of sex to be enjoyed.  It bonds us to our spouses, and brings unlimited pleasures to life.  Pursue your spouse with a deep passion, and crowd out of your mind any thoughts that don't have anything to do with your spouse's satisfaction.  We are living proof that two people can be together (going on three decades now) and stay madly in love, in and out of the bedroom.  I want to encourage you, if your marriage is stagnant or stale, or you've slipped up, God is a God of 2nd chances.  Maybe try reading the Song Of Solomon to your spouse, pray for God's blessings, and purposely reignite that spark that first set your heart on fire.

“Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD.   Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised.”  (Song of Solomon 8:6-7 ESV)

A word to the wise...

In the movie "Sands of Iwo Jima" John Wayne's character Sgt Stryker said, "Life is tough, but it's tougher if you're stupid."  This illustrates the benefits of being smarter, because supposedly the smarter we are the less often we make poor choices.  I don't know anyone that wants to make life harder, do you?  We all want life to be easier, that's not to say we are lazy, it's to say we want to avoid needless problems.  Being wiser, therefore, simply makes sense.

In our information overloaded, data saturated culture, we face one of the greatest challenges in history.  We have the illusion of intelligence because of all the easily accessible and available knowledge.  We think we are educated and smarter because we can google any question.  I love the Internet and search engines, but more information isn't enough when it comes to acting on what we know.  In other words, information is necessary but information alone is insufficient to living life well.   

"How" I use the information I have to make better choices is where wisdom comes into play.  You knew right from wrong from an early age, but that knowledge doesn't always help prevent us from making terrible choices.  

I'm starting a new sermon series titled "Ears to Hear" this coming Sunday.  This new series is on wisdom, where to find it, what wisdom is, how to apply it, and benefiting from wisdom.  If you are interested in gaining Biblical wisdom and would like to grow with us, plan to visit us Sunday at 10:00 a.m.

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