When helping hurts

 

Do you have people in your life who no matter how much you do for them they are never satisfied and it seems impossible to make them happy?  If so, maybe it’s time to slow your roll and reflect on your actual role -- consider resisting the temptation to swoop in and save the day because strangely enough, doing too much for some people can make matters worse.  

It sounds cynical, but it seems the warning about “biting the hand that feeds you” has some teeth to it since certain people not only neglect to show appreciation, they appear to be resentful after being helped.  Maybe there’s something to the old saying, no good deed goes unpunished.   

It’s interesting how quickly people forget about being supported through a tough time -- it seems like they are ungrateful, even bitter afterwards.  Too often helpers set themselves up for disappointment, yet the reality is, it’s quite possible that these very same people would have mistreated their helpers eventually, perhaps it’s delusional thinking that just because someone is helpful they should be immune to misbehavior.

Some people seem to feel worse about themselves or lose self confidence when anyone does too much for them -- doing good for certain people makes them feel bad about themselves because they doubt their own abilities or competency.  Shielding people from the pain of their consequences or from their struggles too much can handicap them mentally & emotionally which is a hard lesson for people who feel the need to rescue or protect the people they care about most.  

How can helpers find a better balance in their efforts to be supportive without harming those in need or risk being hurt in the process themselves? If someone focuses on the bad they become bitter, if they focus on the good they do for others they might come to expect more than they should, but if helpers focus on their responsibilities and what they are able to do right they might just find satisfaction — maybe this is partially what Jesus had in mind when Jesus said something about not letting your left hand know what your right hand is doing when helping the needy? 

This fine line between helping and harming those we care about feels like trying to paint a portrait on the surface of a running creek.  When you help people who don’t really want to be helped, when you want better results for them than they want for themselves, or if you want their healing more than they want it, then it becomes unhealthy and it backfires.  

None of us want to feel like we are takers, so being more proactive in expressing our own gratitude to those who help us out in our times of need is vital and certainly we all at one time or another need help.  Recognize, we are responsible to other people but we are not responsible for other people, so assist those who want a hand up not a hand out, the ones who want to become more capable but not to be coddled, support the ones who with the right help can go on to helping others themselves when the time comes.   

Pressure

 

Not that being understood is the goal to pursue in life, but few people will ever understand the pressure of pumping concrete.  It's better to understand than to be understood, so pumpers know what I'm talking about.  How could the typical person wrap their mind around what we do, how could you explain it in a way they could possibly comprehend it and not sound insane?  

Every day has the potential to destroy you in the world of concrete pumping, and not just physically.  From hidden hydraulic leaks to clogged hoses plugged with who knows what and who knows where, from recirculating hot loads while worrying about concrete flashing in your hopper to waiting on a balance/call back truck, from scheduling and rescheduling with contractors who are poor managers of their time and based off of their poor planning who think nothing of wasting your time, from trying to get to the second or third job on time, from dealing with extreme weather conditions, from finding the jobsite in the dark and then finding somewhere to washout and hoping you have enough water, to the actual physical exertion and strain on our bodies, we work under so much pressure it's no mystery why self-harm haunts our industry.  

Who else risks life and limb every time they walk out the front door the way we do?  Pumping can leave you bruised, bloodied, and broken on any given day, you'll learn quickly to respect the high pressure of the hoses long before you recognize the toll the pressure can take on you.  We operate expensive equipment that takes an immense amount of common sense and knowhow to run, and it is far from safe nor is it easy.  Learning to prime out, maintain, clean out, understanding mix designs, while managing the dangers of the job, and how to set up & break down your system efficiently and be effective is no easy task.

The responsibilities, problems, and challenges of pumping are wholistic, involving the entire mind, body, and soul.  It's a daily gamble that we take, hoping and praying that all will go well and we will return home at the end of the day just to hit the bed so we can get up early and work the crazy hours we do, all over again.  

The scars of our fathers

 

I don't post a lot of material on my parents, but today would've been my dad's 86th birthday and it got me to thinking.  My dad was masterful at allowing people see what he wanted them to see in him.  He wanted people to think he was successful and that he was a good person.  He was a personality that loved telling big stories and he thrived on getting attention from his audiences, which is probably why I never acknowledged his passing in 2019 on social media and told very few people of his death.  As petty as it sounds, I simply didn't want any more of his lust for attentions to be fed, even after the grave.  

So why am I talking about him now?  Bear with me.

While my dad erected a fancy facade fabricated on fantasy, portraying himself as a committed family man and an expert on relationships, the the reality was he prone to wander.  Dad was very worried about appearances and did his best to impress his friends and extended family, but the depth of his concern on home front was another story.  

He would go away for months at a time and leave us to fend for ourselves, it was common for him to leave on the road driving his semi for several weeks in a row without returning home or sending any money home, once he was gone for a three month stint.  He would simply park his truck, whenever he felt like it and live his carefree life.  For example he would visit ranches, end up staying there for weeks helping them bring in their herds for brandings or to go to auction.  He did what he wanted when he wanted, and apparently forgot about his family at home.  Once he joined up with a documentary production crew to film wild mustangs in the desert, again while we sat back home with no groceries in the house or money to pay our bills.

It stings to this day, and I can see now that much of the acting out I did in school and the trouble I got into, and my run-ins with the law were a direct result of my father's distance, not being there when I needed him to be, to hear him say that he loved us but then to neglect us. 

In fact, when Tammy and I were getting married, dad was living in California with another woman while he was still married to my mom.  I called and asked him to come to the wedding, and to be my best man.  Why?  I still loved him, nearly idolized him.  He was my childhood hero, he could do no wrong, as a child I chalked up his absenteeism as part of the deal.  I didn't realize the void he would leave, the insecurity, the bitterness, the resentment he was generating in my soul, the scars he was leaving on my heart and soul.

My guess is he never realized his selfish nature or the damage he unintentionally inflicted.  Today there's a popular word for his personality type, a narcissist.  

The scars of my father made me want to be a more conscientious parent, I won't claim to be perfect, but I can claim I tried to be present and purposeful.  My dad missed Christmases, holidays, and major blocks of time with us, I wanted to be different.  Actually he never changed even into his latter years he even neglected to attend our oldest son's wedding.  I'm sure my children and grandchildren will judge me based on how well I lived up to my commitments, I hope not too harshly, and I hope the scars I leave behind will be thinner and smaller than those I have.  

We can hope to be better than our upbringing and we can talk a big talk, but it is our actions that will speak louder than our words.   Why bring up my disappointments with my dad?  There is a cautionary tale in the old song, Cat's in the cradle, hopefully more people will heed its warning, there is no rewind on the clock and the time flies by quicker than we realize.  Our kids deserve to be hugged, loved on, encouraged, uplifted, shaped, guided and developed, and to receive quality time from us, not just when it's convenient for us as parents.  

 

When life feels unfair

 

We rarely pause to think about fairness when life goes well, we assume we deserve/have earned our happiness, yet the moment there’s bad call against our team (I guess since I don’t watch sports), or a loved one receives a discouraging diagnosis, or we feel betrayed, we all say, “that’s not fair!”  Here’s a little secret we don’t like, life isn’t fair.  

When catastrophe strikes, we’d like to place blame somewhere.  Horrible situations worsen if we think we have “done everything right” and we are innocent -- an entitlement mentality only deepens our disappointments and the delusion that we are immune to suffering creates even more misery.   

As these unprovoked troubles develop we struggle with an inescapable sorrow, eventually we face extreme emotional exhaustion from these traumatic experiences.  Solely focused on the problems, stymied and unable to envision any solution, losing hope we ask correctly, “Now what?”

Our downward spiral into despair drains us and we obsess over questions like: “Why” is this happening to me, “What” went wrong, “How” will we get through this?  As a host of other perturbing ideas torment our mind, being overwhelmed, we often neglect to ask “Who” do we turn to?  

Why not turn to God?  Are we mad because He didn’t prevent the problem, is He to blame?

The Bible is filled with passages of people raging at God, complaining about the injustice they were experiencing.  Read Psalm 73 and Job chapter 21 where the age-old criticism is raised, challenging God for allowing the wicked to prosper, enjoying the pleasures of life, while escaping the pain we are suffering from.  Yet Jesus says everyone receives blessings,  “But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.” (Matt 5:44-45)

God has big shoulders and I don’t think He punishes us for our questions.  If I understand it correctly, Ps 10:1 offers an example for when we have questions that it is appropriate to be vulnerable with God and voice our frustrations, “Why, O Lord, do you stand far away?  Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?” 

Life is unfair, it is very temporary, and death is the great equalizer.  As Job points out, “Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped.  And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:20-21)

Is there a way to find comfort when life is unfair and we feel stigmatized?  We know we need a better perspective, but at the time how do we develop spiritual maturity, wisdom, or patience in the midst of the traumatic pain?  Soaking up Scripture, praying, and accepting the comforts of our community are essential.  

……..

https://www.timesnews.net/living/faith/craig-cottongim-here-s-a-little-secret-we-don-t-like-life-isn-t-fair/article_99aaf465-1f22-498f-9c82-0187b092e64e.html

Surprised by what you didn't know about Keto

It’s counterintuitive but true, a high fat diet can help on weight loss, I’ve lost over 50 pounds eating as much as I want, Tammy has lost 45 pounds, and we do not count calories or practice portion control, and most of our calories come from fat.  It’s called the keto diet.  Pictured above is one of our favorite dishes we enjoy at home, Greek flaming cheese, saganaki.  Cheese is very keto!

I go through almost two sticks of butter every week just in my coffee. “Bulletproof coffee” is where you put butter and coconut oil in your coffee, and it sets the tone for the day.  Your body learns to shed fat and burn fat instead of storing fat and burning carbs or sugar.  

Most people think the Keto diet is about losing weight, and they think the diet is relatively new.  Ketogenic, a diet that burns ketone acids from the liver instead of sugars and carbs, was originally designed in 1920 by Dr Wilder at the Mayo clinic to help with epilepsy.  When people fast their seizures typically stop, so the keto diet mimics fasting.

Tammy wanted to start the diet years before I did, I didn’t think I could give up potatoes, pasta, or bread.   I’m glad we began this diet and I intend on staying on it for life. Why you might ask…

We began in March 2023, and since then as I have said I we’ve lost a lot of weight but I didn't start the keto regimen to lose weight, I did it for my mental health.  I had come to terms with my depression and my struggles with suicide and accepted that I would end my life, the struggle was so great and I had tried counseling and several mediations,  none of which helped me.  I felt the only relief would be to end it all.  

Then, I stumbled on a paragraph in a book on the brain that discussed the potential for the keto diet to help with depression and anxiety.  And I gave it a shot.

The keto diet has helped my mental health and it has resulted in greater mental clarity.  I used to experience a lot of brain fog and fatigue, the keto diet has transformed my brain quite a bit.  

In the two years running on being on this diet, my body and brain has changed.  No, there are no silver bullets for depression, and while I have greatly improved I occasionally have setbacks.  I went from considering suicide a few times a day, to then a few times a week, then to even further periods of time.  Overall my mental health is much improved, and I know it’s due to the keto diet, if go off the diet two or three days in a row I’m a wreck.

Beyond weight loss and mental health benefits, I have been surprised to discover how the keto diet changed my metabolism.  For my entire life I have wrestled with hypoglycemia, low blood sugar and extreme blood sugar crashes.  I used to wake up hungry and eat several times a day, never really satiated.   Now, on the keto diet, I go several months without blood sugar issues and while I eat as much food as I want, my appetite has decreased and I typically only eat once a day now.

Another discovery is also the strangest one of keto, I used to have gas all the time, I farted like crazy.  Since we started the keto, I hardly ever have gas.

Bacon wrapped meatloaf 

Stanford university has published studies on the effects of the keto diet indicating it helps with diabetes, mental health, schizophrenia and it might fight cancer and possibly help prevent or treat Alzheimer’s.  The hype is real whenever you hear about the benefits of the keto diet.

Without sounding melodramatic, I truly feel like the keto diet has saved my life. No one will be your health advocate, you have to decide what is best for you and decide if you want to be healthier.  The keto diet requires self-discipline, yet this diet is a proactive lifestyle choice that will improve your overall well-being, physically, mentally, and emotionally and you will experience immense benefits that are extremely rewarding and worthwhile.  So instead of waiting until your habits cause illness and disease have the fortitude and foresight to eat healthier and become healthier, this is a decision and choice that you will not regret.

Here’s a link to an article on the Stanford research:

Stanford keto-diet-mental-illness.html?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR0sEzdVcSbPKX9jDIel7UE7m03Nn8r8SCB0hSFs6BSrlsJyjX55stySjyM_aem_Bm0Yy09P5st5AvjxwiDSpw

Russia inside Ukraine: why historical facts matter

Social media has made a lot of people feel like political science and statesmanship experts, I claim to be neither but I am a lover of history.  I also have an emotional stake in this since my bloodline traces to this region, my ethnicity is 29% Eastern European.   

Here's what we think we know, Russia is the aggressor and unfairly invaded the country of Ukraine three years ago, and since that time America has incrementally backed and supported the Ukrainians with funding and military aid.    

Here's what we don't know, where has the money gone, what benefits have resulted from our US assistance, and what does the future hold or what is the best path forward to resolving this?  Who is the real villain in this, is it Putin, Trump, or Zelensky?  

If that question upsets you or offends you, who is the villain, then your bias has overruled your rational thought and critical thinking abilities.  

Now, why does history matter in this war?  In 1795 Imperial Russia began to rule in Ukraine and from 1917 to around 1990-91 Ukraine was part of the Soviet Union, in other words it wasn't Russia but it was under the Russian umbrella.   Ukraine was not an independent country after 1795 and for the greater part of a century and the people we under communism.  

More accurately, when the Russian empire fell in 1917, Ukraine fell into civil war in 1918 and becomes part of the Soviet Union after the Red army invades, somewhere around 1921-22.  Germany invades the Ukraine in WW2 and slaughters around five million Ukrainians and then after WW2 The Soviets reestablish order in the Ukraine.  

The Soviets saved the Ukrainian people twice, in 1921 they suffered from a drought and famine, with a population made up of 90% peasantry they submitted to the demands of Moscow and by 1937 they were well organized began to recover just in time for WW2 to devastate them, offering the Soviets a second chance to save them.  

Ukraine has always been the "bread basket" of that region and yes history judges the Soviets for high taxes and grain quotas.  There are many atrocities that took place from confiscations, restrictions, and uprisings.  Stalin was undoubtably a ruthless dictator who mistreated all of the countries in the region.  

What most of us in the West fail to realize is that after Stalin devastated the Ukrainians, he relocated or emigrated a large Russian population into the Ukraine in 1933.  In other words a huge effort was made and resulted in massive Russification of the region.  About 80% of the elite, educated, and influential Ukrainians were either killed, they killed themselves, or they were deported in the early 1930's.   

The composition and character of the Ukrainians was forcefully altered by Stalin.  This matters today, how?  Ethnically, culturally and civically, the region became for all practical purposes more aligned with Russia.  Ideologically, linguistically, and culturally, many people in the region were essentially Russians.  Right or wrong, you decide, they were converted by the sword so to say.

In 1954 Ukraine celebrated their 300th year, read that again 300th year anniversary of reunification with Russia.  If we think we can grasp the situation of the last 3 years of Putin's invasion without acknowledging the Russian ties and the cultural assimilation of the Ukrainians, then we are foolish and shortsighted.   

For nearly 400 years Ukrainian sovereignty has been under the thumb of Moscow, and today roughly 40% of their people speak Russian as their first language.   If you think that all of Ukraine loves the west, remember throughout the cold war they were the 3rd largest nuclear warhead superpower, and they weren't aiming their missiles at Moscow.  

Here's a piece of forgotten American Ukrainian history that is relevant for today.  In 1991 after the collapse of the USSR, Pres Bush visited Ukraine and begged them to remain part of Russia, he told them it would be suicidal on their part to seek independence from Moscow...   for more perspective, America refused to assist the Ukrainians after the collapse of the USSR until they agreed to our terms on nuclear disarmament.   

So, in summary, the US Ukrainian relationships have not always been stable, the Ukrainians after the collapse of the Soviet Union became a central hub for drug trafficking and organized crime, and a large portion of the people living there are Russophiles.  I have no idea what the solution is to the current crisis, but I have fairly good grasp on what has shaped the region over the last 400 years and what I glean is that the situation is not so cut and dry as we might think.  

Tariffs & deportations: what’s actually the core problem

 Thankfully someone kicked the hornet's nest confronting our views of tariffs and deportation.  Politicising these topics only camouflages their clarity, now it’s time to actually examine our ethical standards. 

Why did much of our manufacturing and agriculture relocate in the first place?  Canadian lumber isn’t straighter than Montana’s.  We don’t buy electronics from overseas because they are higher quality, yesterday it was transistor radios, today it’s big screen TVs.  South American beef or the frozen fish from Vietnam in our grocery store isn’t better than our domestic staples.  

Our imported gadgets, garments, and gym shoes are mostly manufactured in places like China, India, or Sri Lanka by people chained to a factory floor.  We’re enabling what essentially amounts to modern-day slavery; but our conscience is sheltered from our passive dehumanization by an ocean of separation while our insatiable appetite for toys and trinkets perpetuates a practice that is less than rewarding for the workers.

Additionally, we are too important for menial labor or to allow our children to be dishwashers or enter any of the service industries, so for a generation we have basically treated our goodhearted Hispanic neighbors like indentured servants.  We don’t habitually move into Hispanic neighborhoods, we move out when they move in and “white flight” takes place.  We aren’t hiring qualified Hispanic school teachers or police officers by the droves, we aren’t partnering with them in our small businesses, electing them as the Mayor, or having them over for supper either.

The rage over tariffs/deportations is only a symptom, we need to ask ourselves what is at stake and why the uproar now?  Our addiction to material goods and cheap labor that’s beneath us has blinded us and the outcry over tariffs and deporations feels disingenuous, something feels inconsistent within our character considering that what we’ve become accustomed to is now at risk of becoming inconvenient.

Again, our dependence on cheap labor & goods is blinding us while overseas manufacturing facilities function as a buffering agent shielding our conscience -- where has the authentic compassion for our Hispanics, disadvantaged Asians, and the dejected citizens in America’s farmlands & Rust Belt been for the last 40 years?  The sting of tariffs and deportation means higher prices for the consumer but what if instead of freaking out about higher prices we consider the mere possibility of how the American rancher and farmer might thrive and our folks in the Rust Belt might regain their dignity and become productive and prosperous once again if these proposed tariffs and stricter immigration policies are as dangerous as they appear to be.  

Here’s what we’ve perhaps lost sight of: “You shall not oppress a hired worker who is poor and needy, whether he is one of your brothers or one of the sojourners who are in your land within your towns.” (Deut 24:14) 

Consumerism is not a Red or Blue issue between the conservatives and progressives -- sadly we are too preoccupied with our own self interests as if tariffs and immigration were simply economic/social issues instead of seeing them for what they are at their core, spiritual conditions of the heart.  More to the point, what if we evaluated our purchasing habits and stopped taking advantage of foreigners, farmers, and factory workers, because that’s exactly what we are guilty of doing independently of whichever administration happens to occupy 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Originally published in the Kingsport Times News : https://www.timesnews.net/living/faith/craig-cottongim-its-time-to-examine-our-ethical-standards/article_457e694a-f533-11ef-8eea-d31641a92942.html