When your happiest day leads to your biggest heartache

Strangely, our happiest day can be inseparable from our greatest grief.  Our highest peaks of joy begin the path that to our deepest valleys. What do we do with these feelings and emotions?  I’ve found writing a poem helps, call it therapy without a therapist, but I’ve found poetry to be helpful and therapeutic on life’s journeys.

I have written poems that are special to me, they have a significance that mere words cannot convey accurately, not without the art of poetry at least.  Poems help me understand and process and even appreciate the intensity of the experience.

Sometimes a poem simply hits you out of nowhere, with a jolt, some inspiration from an experience, an insight, what have you, it comes instantly and you ride the wave as you quickly try to write down your thoughts before they evaporate.  Other poems need time to simmer.  

You think the theme over.  Then, like the example of a poem you’ll find below, there are times when a poem is years in the making.  Here’s a poem that I wrote in over the course of about a month but it was 15 years of life and living that inspired & influenced this poem. You can’t simply make up or create a poem like this one from imagination alone, you live through the joys and the sorrows, you watch a child grow over the years into a man as his best friend lives and dies in real time.  When you give a puppy to a son who is a preteen and then you sit by his side many years later as the veterinary helps the old dog cross the rainbow, it hurts and you feel guilty for causing the pain.  The discovery of how significant the relationship is and that life can deliver pain through love is a difficult topic and the power of poetry is that poems are the best way to express this emotion and sensation. 

 Click here for the poem

When is it time to hold other people accountable to our standards?

 

Since when do we have to agree with someone fully and when do they have to live perfect lives before we can celebrate the good that is within them?  I’m not making excuses for anyone or defending the worst of the worst, I’m asking us to reflect on ourselves because somehow it is culturally appropriate to demonize accomplished or successful people over their failings and it is taboo to mention any positive contributions these people have made because of a past inappropriate behavior, attitude or action.

Thanks to the internet, nothing you say or do ever disappears and it can come back and bite you in the rear at any time, a powerful example of this would be the folks in the crosshairs of the never-ending-ever-evolving Epstein files.  Up until last month Peter Attia was revered, he influenced politicians, movie stars, and all sorts of celebrities through his popular podcast and bestselling book, now this disgraced longevity expert is banished from the airwaves after his emails with Epstein came to light, ask yourself if this is fair and accurate?

I’m concerned we’ve raised a bar we ourselves can’t live up to, which of us is qualified to throw the first stone, who among us has removed the oversized log out of our own eye, and when do our terrible mistakes invalidate the excellent contributions we have made in this life?  Does our worst day eliminate our best contributions and are you personally mature enough to distinguish between the personality quirks or the stains of someone’s mistakes from their overall beneficial good which they have brought to the table?  

Imagine holding people to the standard of 100% perfection before we can acknowledge a single good accomplishment of theirs, then ask yourself what does it say about us personally when we criticize people over their mistakes yet we refuse to praise anything correct in others simply because they are fallible -- who among us can live up to this type of scrutiny?  Why should you imagine holding yourself to the same exacting standard of perfection you hold others to, because Jesus explained in MT 7:2, “For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.”

We are so quick to hold others to a level of accountability we ourselves are unable to reach while we ignore all of the offences we ourselves are guilty of.  This type of hypocrisy, when our expectations of others exceeds a realistic view of our own inability to carry the weight we place on their shoulders, ruins relationships, fractures families, and corrodes a sense of community.

Our judgmental stereotyping is polarizing and poisoning us, perhaps we should temper our outrage, frustration, and disgust over the imperfections in others with an acknowledgment of our own limitations to attain perfection.  If we would dish out the same portion of grace we ourselves could appreciate and hope to receive, maybe we can heal our fragmented relationships. 

Psychopaths are incapable of feeling regret, remorse, guilt or shame, so unless you are a psychopath or a narcissist you can admit you have mistakes in your past you are ashamed of.  We shouldn't excuse the inexcusable when other people stubble, fail, or fall but we do need to balance our disappointment in them with an honest look in the mirror.  

Click here for the original article in the Kingsport Timesnews

What if Christians could quit fighting each other?

 

Thankfully not all churches are territorial, yet the devil is, I imagine, awfully delighted whenever we allow our doctrinal differences to divide us.  Does doctrine matter? Absolutely, but just think of what we could accomplish for God if we looked past the pride and smugness of those Bible believing brethren down the pew or down the road who disregard our perfect interpretation of the Bible and what if we chose to cooperate instead of debate?

Like leftovers forgotten deep in the back of the fridge, somehow we’ve overlooked this: As followers of Jesus we are only Christians, but we are not the only Christians.  Instead, to “prove” our authenticity what we’ve settled for is bickering about form over function, perpetuated infighting by pitting traditional & contemporary folks against each other over worship styles, arguing over which is the authorized translation of the Bible, fighting over whether God finished creation in 6 literal days and rested on the 7th or took millions of years, squabbling over women’s roles, quarreling about the role of the Holy Spirit, clashing over the name over the door, and of course locking horns over our favorite hobbyhorse theological preferences like our battle-royales concerning pre-post-amillinalism/endtimes.  

Instead of contending for the faith, we’ve become contentious about the faith.  Not so with Jesus, He said there was one way the world could spot an authentic Christian if they ever chanced upon one, “[34] A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. [35] By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:34-35 ESV)

But shouldn’t we correct them for their own good?  “[38] John said to him, “Teacher, we saw someone casting out demons in your name, and we tried to stop him, because he was not following us.” [39] But Jesus said, “Do not stop him, for no one who does a mighty work in my name will be able soon afterward to speak evil of me. [40] For the one who is not against us is for us.” (Mark 9:38-40)

In what amounts to pettifogging, our antagonistic approach is counterproductive — we’re losing the lost and we are not winning the won with our argumentative, arrogant, judgmental attitudes and our habit of labeling & insulting each other.  Like an undertaker in a spaghetti Western sizing-up the doomed gunfighter with his cloth tape measure as the gunslinger saunters out the Saloon’s swinging doors, Americans are unsuspectingly passing through the same portal as Europe, once a stronghold of faith but now they are nearly completely secular.  

While not all, many have traded in the Kingdom of Christ for conflict and chaos -- you can either row the boat or rock the boat, but you can’t do both at the same time.  Rodney King famously asked after the 1991 race riots, “Can’t we all get along…?” Well, what if we as believers could…, just get along? 

Originally published in the Kingsport Timesnews 8/16/25

Drama causes trauma

 

Drama causes trauma.  Our worst emotional wounds oftentimes are the result of a chaotic upbringing — which is why adults should learn how to discuss their disagreements without being combative.

Chronic stress releases a continual flow of cortisol in our bloodstream, this hormone is beneficial in a spur of the moment crisis (think of a jolt of adrenaline to jar you into action), but prolonged exposure is detrimental to our physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing — I encourage you to look further into the startling subject of the harmful effects of stress & cortisol and its links to fatigue, depression, cancer, high blood pressure, and heart disease.  

Having differences is a normal part of all relationships, but the vulnerable youth suffer when the adults are inconsiderate. We selfishly cause more damage to their psyche than we realize when we focus on fault finding, blame, or neglect to reign in our tongue, temper, ego, and pride in the midst of terrible arguments.  

When it comes to settling our differences we need to and we can set a better example for the next generation.  It’s worth noting we can experience anger but we should still maintain self control and resolve our problems quickly, as Paul wrote in Eph 4:26-27 & :31-32,  “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil... 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Too often we confuse winning an argument with the real goal, like coming to a common understanding, together.  We mistakenly think dominating the conversation, winning the case to “prove our point” is the primary objective.  Demonizing our partners or seeing them as adversaries and demoralizing them might put points on a scoreboard but it doesn’t achieve success in what counts most, our actual priority should be protecting the relationship, not being the one who is “right” all the time.  

Hitting a pothole knocks our vehicle out of alignment, relationships need to be realigned after a rough patch too and it begins by appreciating our mutuality, 1st Cor 11:11, “Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman.” Respecting our interdependence is necessary for healthy marriages.

We have to be proactive to be productive, until we admit to ourselves during the times of aggravation that “I might be wrong” or we both might be mistaken, then we will struggle to make any headway, but the effort is worthwhile because our children deserve strong families, stability, and a peaceful sense of security.  Sadly for too many marriages, our fighting shatters the security of the sweet wee little people we say we love and they end up as collateral damage in our battles of will.  

If as a couple you lecture more than you laugh together, scowl more than you smile, and you feel like you are on trial, please consider getting professional help. If you are less than satisfied, make it your mission to mend your miserable marriage, we owe it to the next generation to model healthy & happy homes.  

Recipe for real relationships

 

Tammy and I have been married for nearly four decades, and I believe one of the reasons our marriage is so strong is because we actually enjoy being together.  As elementary as that sounds, enjoying time with your spouse is essential for a strong, healthy, and vibrant relationship -- unfortunately too many couples miss this basic fact.   

Sadly, many couples seem distant and dissatisfied in their marriages.  One of the first questions that comes to my mind when I hear that a couple is struggling or they seem like strangers living separate lives together is how often do they cook together?  There is a powerful pleasurable transformation that relationships benefit from whenever you cook together.  

Yes we enjoy traveling together, going to a show or a host of other "fun and exciting" things couples do, but we also derive a lot of enjoyment in the mundane chores of life.  Like cooking together.  We really like to cook together; I can't recommend this enough to you.  

We like to eat at home since it's healthier and more economical, though we don't mind going out too, but going out to eat oftentimes seems disappointing when we compare the meal out to our own excellent cooking.  I think couples do need to go out on date nights, but there's more bonding that takes place in your own kitchen in my opinion; you learn more about each other and fall deeper in love over the oven than in a restaurant booth, I think.  

You share an equality as you learn together a new recipe and as you choose the menu.  As you share the workload of the prep and actual cooking, you feel closer and again experience an equality.  Cooking together provides an excellent opportunity for drawing closer to each other through more authentic one on one time.  

Tammy and I laugh together, relax, share our day, tell stories, grow closer together and communicate a lot while we are in the kitchen.  I am convinced that cooking together deepens, builds, and reenforces the foundation of your marriage.  And, together you experience the unique sense of satisfaction which accompanies the sense of accomplishment together of a well planed and well prepared tasty meal, together.   

My folks fought all the time and they were always miserable, I can't remember my parents ever cooking together.  I hope the opposite for my children and grandchildren, I hope they can't remember a time when Tammy I weren't cooking together and that they will remember us a happy couple.

If you want other parts of your relationship to sizzle instead of fizzle, I don't know all of the reasons why cooking together strengthens your relationships, but it really is a recipe for better relationships.  As you contemplate cooking together more often, I'll leave you with this, here's a recent meal we cooked together. 

Selective “do you remember when…?”

 

You already know we form better bonds with friends, quality relationships that can be closer & stronger than with those we have with people who share our DNA, folks we pick up with where we left off with even after decades apart, people who feel closer to us than our own siblings.  People who welcome us, accept us, and authentically love us for who we are — yes it’s the heart of camaraderie that beats best.  What you might not have considered, is that even people who share our last name or who know us well won’t understand us in the way some-certain friends do. 

I’ll go even further, there are stories we are part of that many people will through no fault of their own misunderstand, they simply can’t comprehend us or where we are coming from.  You will enjoy sharing certain stories only with the people who were part of the experience or who have endured similar struggles.

Our “brothers in arms” can relate when our relatives can’t.   There is something hollow in the retelling of a personal story when your audience operates from an alien perspective.   Something feels lost in the translation. You will have a greater sense of satisfaction keeping your story to yourself when you feel prompted to share it with strangers you know, they being strangers to your circumstances that is.  If you tell someone about a situation and they have no actual context to draw from or connection to the situation, you as the storyteller will feel empty and let down afterwards.  

People who have never sailed out of sight of the visible shoreline will never appreciate the tragedy of being shipwrecked. It is self-delusional to assume that our story is interesting or entertaining to those without a proper point of reference. 

This is why it is more gratifying when we start out with “do you remember when…?” with old friends. Shared stories are more satisfying when we share them with the ones who were there.   Why?  Because the struggle of the situation formed them as well.   Similarly, if I share a tough time I went through in ministry with someone who has never been in ministry, they can’t connect with me, but if I’m sharing the same story with someone who has been in ministry elsewhere , they know what I’m talking about.   

Properly understood, “inside jokes” are not engineered to alienate outsiders, inside jokes align or of you will, realign old friendships, cementing the bonds.  These days I’m choosing to be more selective with “did I ever tell you about the time…?” and instead I’m cherishing the “do you remember the time…?”

We might not be able to understand or appreciate everyone else’s struggles and the stories they tell, but we can all relate to this passage, Proverbs 14:10, “The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy.”  

Frenemies

One of my favorite lines from Bob Seger's song "Against the Wind" is when he sings, "The years rolled slowly past, And I found myself alone, Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends, I found myself further and further from my home, and I Guess I lost my way..." Sadly in life, posers parade as your friend, but they are not.

As a parent and now a grandparent, there's not much more that can break your heart than seeing your child/grandchild struggle to have genuine friends. The older I get, the tighter my circle gets, and the less tolerance I have for frenemies.

How do we know who our "real" friends are? It's amazing that you could spend decades thinking your friendship was real, but with some shallow people they are more shadow than substance.

Frenemies base the strength of their fragile relationships on the depth of how well you agree with them, they are unable to form relationships with people who think differently than they do, your opinion easily offends them when it contradicts their views on any subject, politics, religion or what have you.  Real friends on the other hand, value the benefit of dialogue and appreciate sharing differing views, consider Prov 27:17 for example, "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."  

Sometimes it's easier to spot fake friends than true ones. One red flag is when a “friend” talks condescendingly to you about a mutual friend you have in common. Remember, people who gossip to you will gossip about you. They are incapable of being vulnerable with you. They are more interested in digging into your family & work problems than divulging any personal dirt on themselves; they themselves are always guarded about their own personal life, but they are eager to hear your problems, pretending they care about you but really they have ulterior motives.  Since they can't control you, they want to control how others see you.  

Some people are great at asking for favors, but somehow they struggle to express their appreciation.  It almost makes you feel like you’re being used, well, because you are.  They use you to feel better about themselves, it is a one sided relationship based on their terms. They almost treat their relationships like a rivalry or competition, not to mention the relationships of shallow people are always transactional.

Keep an eye out and pay attention to the folks who will either distance themselves or draw closer to you whenever you improve yourself personally or your circumstances. The folks who withdraw from you when you grow are envious and they can't celebrate your victories, the ones who can celebrate with you are free of jealousy and are genuinely happy for you.

Beyond all what sounds like a lot of gloom & doom here, there’s actually some good that comes from realizing not everyone who acts like they’re your friend isn’t. The best friendships are the ones that stand the test of time, you always pick up right where you left off, there's a mutual respect and appreciation for each other, and a genuine depth of joy whenever either of you does well in life and a shoulder to lean on when life doesn't.

We will be like the people we surround ourselves with, so being selective is important, like Paul wrote in I Cor 15:33, "Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”  The more you surround yourself with people who can cheer you on and rejoice when you achieve your goals, who can sincerely be empathic in tough times, and who can lightheartedly banter with you over the trivial things in life, the more satisfactory relationships you will enjoy.

How to "Happily ever-after"

In the early 1970’s with their marriage in shambles, my parents somehow thought their solution was to uproot our family and move out west. For most of my kindergarten year, we lived in Phoenix during the week and spent the weekends on a ranch.

That experience created the habit of shaking out my boots before I put them on, even to this day. Why? The cabin we stayed in had scorpions, the desert seemed overrun with them. I have never seen a scorpion in Tennessee, but old habits...

I loved the desert and hold fond memories of watching hang-gliders coasting off of Arizona’s iconic mesas, of living like carefree nomads, and of enjoying campfires under the stars. Soaking up all the splendor of the southwest was extremely idyllic, but our time there was as short lived as a mirage.

Eventually my parents divorced after years of continually clashing -- their marriage limped along after Arizona, but no matter where they went, friction followed. Unwilling to admit their own faults or accept the need to change, their troubles remained regardless of their address.

The emotional damage from their decades of hateful bickering was far greater than if they simply had called it quits earlier on, the sting of their feuding left me cynical and jaded as a young adult. I have concluded after much thought that a broken home is better for the kids than an endlessly-breaking-home.

I’m not endorsing carelessly divorcing. People should exhaust every resource and work on their marriages like their life depended on it, but if you think you can fight and argue and treat your spouse spitefully yet you want to stay together “for the children,” think again -- it’s not “for the children” if it’s toxic.

We deceive ourselves often by thinking we can escape our problems by relocating, by pointing fingers, or by separating ourselves from the “problem” person. Self-examination is painful, owning our problems is difficult too, but taking responsibility and actually doing the hard work to become healthier is more mature and rewarding.

Marriages succeed when both people put in the effort. Sadly, giving up seems easier. These days I halfway joke that I only want to officiate funerals and not marry anymore couples. Why? After a funeral the deceased stays buried, unlike many couples who get married.

Even so, I am a firm believer couples can work through any problem no matter how big, if they want to they can redeem any rocky relationship. If it’s true that challenge and adversity develop the quality of our personal character, why would we expect that relationships would be immune to this metamorphology as well? What if rocky relationships, like broken bones, once restored are stronger than they were before?

There are no problems too big for God to mend whenever we can acknowledge we personally have room for growth and we are willing to be transformed. I am completely optimistic on this, if we are willing to shake the scorpions out of our soul and form better habits, we might just live happily ever after -- together.

Good times -- great memories!

 

I read somewhere, “the world is a book, if you never leave home then you only read one page.” I would argue the point that it’s not just nice to get away once in a while, it’s necessary to get away and travel. This week Tammy and traveled and “read a new chapter” and it was good for the soul. 

Some of the best therapy is food & fun in the sun.  We had a wonderful visit with close friends, soaked up some sun, and ate lusciously! 

I honestly never imagined we would sample Japanese wagyu, but when our host took us to the Hyde Park steakhouse and ordered the A-5 for our table to share, we did and it literally melted in our mouth, much like the banana’s foster we had for dessert.  That was an emotional experience, the food was delicious and eating the wagyu nearly brought tears to my eyes.  The hype is real, there is no other piece of meat that is so succulent, tender, and flavorful.    

The night before that we ate at the local French restaurant and once again I ate the butter-flavored favorite of mine, foie gras for an appetizer and had lamb saddle for an entree with a chocolate soufflé, while Tammy enjoyed the mushroom ravioli with a foie gras sauce for an appetizer, beef short ribs for her entree, with a beautiful strawberry dessert 

Between several amazing entrées and beautiful walks on the beach with sand so white you needed sunglasses, time with good friends, this week flew by.  The weather could not have been more perfect, daily the breeze was heavenly, it was paradise on earth.  We saw dolphins the first and last day of our trip and we actually found a couple of live conch on the shore, that was a first! 

The sunsets? Don’t ask.  They were out of this world. 

This week was another reminder of how blessed we are.  Time away from home is good, and it's good to be back home.  There are so many things we take for granted in this life, simple things.  I hope I never take these trips and experiences for granted. 

When they talk about you/How to sift through petty conversations & be a better friend

 

It’s slightly ironic that people in our region are more likely to believe you if you say you spotted a Bigfoot than if you claim to have seen a mountain lion.  I actually saw a mountain lion here in Kingsport, it ran out right in front of me while I was driving, plain as day, yet one of the neighbors asked if I also saw a unicorn as well.  

Which is easier for us to see in others, the good or the bad? Somehow we’ve unwisely come to the point in our culture where we eagerly accept bad news about others and we tend to see the worst in people immediately. Conversely, we tirelessly wait for their “true colors” to come out if they seem to be behaving nicely. 

Most people will blindly listen to someone slam us and they will carelessly deem we are guilty instantly-- much quicker than they will ever believe our success stories.   I’m not sure I understand why we struggle with this willfully, but if someone tells us the preacher’s teenage daughter is pregnant, unthinkingly we don’t question it, but if we hear the child was an honor roll student, suddenly we are skeptical.  

It’s bad enough when immature people spread trash-talk like politicians poisoning the well and slinging mud in a primary debate, it’s worse when we hastily entertain these accusations. Without even analyzing what we’ve heard or “going to the source” we often pass on this embarrassing information so others can “pray more intelligently.”  Remember James 1:26 and the warning to control what we say, “If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.”

We are quick to gossip, judge, and quick to scandalize -- like we read in Prov 16:28, “A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.”  Shame on us when we recklessly ruin other people’s reputations.   

Mature people, on the other hand, know how to ask the right questions when they hear something troubling and they know how to practice discretion.  Mature people also have enough common sense and integrity to steer clear of toxic conversations.  Proverbs 27:6, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”

You already wonder what slanderous people say about you when you are absent, but ask yourself when someone is sharing scandalous information about a common companion with you, why are they telling me this bit about this other person and why at this time?  Why would they try to smear this other person’s reputation now? Also it’s good to ask yourself, does this bad report match up with what you’ve personally experienced over the long run with the person in question?  

A mature person knows how to filter through what they hear and they know how to interpret motives.  Therefore, pause and think about it the next time someone starts talking poorly about other people you know because you will see what you want to see in others, if you want it long enough.  

There's a popular meme that summarizes the ease at which people will spread false information about us, and how we can respond as mature adults: 

What I've learned over the last 36 years of April Fools' days

 

           (My 19th birthday, Tammy's treat at Benihanas, and the oldest picture of us that I know of)

I suppose it sounds a bit like cosmic comedy to say you met your spouse for the first time on April Fools' day, but 36 years ago on this day today I met the love of my life Tammy.  April 1st, 1987 I was hanging out with Pete Tunk, a friend since kindergarten and still is to this day, and that night he invited Tammy and friend over to hang out with us. 

Tammy had on a black shirt, khaki colored pants, and her radiant red hair was up in a ponytail, an image forever woven into my favorite memories.  The rest is, as they say, history.

That night, staring at Tammy I was mesmerized, enchanted, captivated, I was in love, and I knew she was the one, that she was going to be my future wife and barley over a year later she became my bride. So yes there is a "love at first sight" that lasts.  

Together we have brought children into this world, seen parents leave this world, and we have built a life together that is beyond blessed.  We've lived in different towns and states over the last three-plus decades, and no matter the distances we've traveled from our hometowns, we've only grown closer over the years  

We have an enduring love, a relationship that works, and we are happy together.  It's no cliché, we are actually best friends.

It sounds amazing, but true love grows closer over the years, I love Tammy more and more as each day goes by, as each month ends, as the years continue and as one decade blurs into the next.  I can't see myself ever not as a couple, never as just Craig, it will always be "Craig & Tammy"  or "Tammy and Craig"  but it never be just me.

What I've learned after all these years is that for love to work, yes God has to be at the center.  No surprise there.  We don't rush each other, we don't bully or pressure each other, we know how to cooperate.  We know how to be mutually supportive and work together.

Tammy has at every step of the way supported me.  Whether it was going back to school, being in ministry or starting our business, she has never doubted me or my abilities.  When I need time to write, she protects that time for me, and she is my greatest encourager.  She sees the best in me, even when I can't see it.  Especially when I can't.

We never talk poorly of each other to our friends, even on those days if we disagree.  We work through our problems.  We know how to argue without being combative.  We know how to complement and compliment each other.  We've learned the art of healthy relationships and how to be a buffer or to be buffered.  How & why?  Because we've made a choice to be there for each other and we know a solid relationship is worth it.

You can choose to love your spouse and to make their world a little better on a daily basis.  It is more rewarding to build your spouse up than to tear them down, or worse yet to simply ignore them or their needs.  Lots of love, lots of intimacy, lots of kind words, lots of affirmation builds for an exciting and enduring love-life.  

What else can I say?  Prioritize your spouse.  Support your spouse.  Encourage your spouse.  See the potential in your spouse.  Nurture your relationship, spend time together, learn to be less selfish and more thoughtful.  It's worth it.

So, after 36 years of knowing Tammy I have learned that life with your best friend is the best type of life.  I've learned that couples can thrive together through the ups & downs of life.  I've learned that "Till death do we part" is more than possible, it is paradise here on earth.  

When to burn the ships or our bridges...

 

What’s the difference between burning ships or burning bridges? Understanding the difference not only is a sign of maturity, it defines the health of your relationships.

In A.D. 1519, Cortez was concerned his crew could find the New World too difficult, possibly becoming so overwhelmed they might mutiny. So upon landing he burned 10 of his 11 ships, saving one to send gold back to the monarchy — a shrewd sign of dedication and commitment. Further back, the ancient Roman armies were the first ones to burn bridges in combat — cutting off their enemies, preventing their past problems from pestering their future.

These days, metaphorically, burning our ships is about destroying whatever prevents us from progressing. Burning our bridges is about distancing ourselves from whoever threatens us with regressing. When it comes to conflict, which one is best?

Regardless if you are arguing for a raise at work or embroiled in a custody battle with your ex, it is as difficult for the “other side” to see your side as it is for you to see theirs. Perhaps this is why arguing our sides is ineffective. We think that logic and reason will prevail, but many disagreements are emotionally charged, and the truth rarely matters in an argument. Too often we value being right more than we do the relationship.

Honestly, who is unbiased and able to see both sides of any argument? For example, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” (Proverbs 18:2)

When it becomes too heated, our temper gets the best of us. In the heat of the moment we immaturely say things in anger, burning our bridges. “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.” (Proverbs 15:18)

Often it’s better to control our tongue instead. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) So know when to take a break from talking. “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.” (Proverbs 17:14)

When we are entangled in a heated argument, sometimes it’s best to not argue but to patiently trust that the consequences will prove our side is correct. Arguing in a healthy way requires that we listen as much or more so than we speak. “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15)

Therefore, self-control is our most effective, productive and powerful tool when it comes to having a healthy argument. “Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” (Proverbs 16:32)

Too often we are afraid to let go of what’s personally holding us back and we hesitate to make healthy changes and burn our ships. Instead we are too quick to burn bridges with people we might need to reconnect with in the future. Next time you find yourself in a disagreement, keep this in mind: “Scoffers set a city aflame, but the wise turn away wrath. If a wise man has an argument with a fool, the fool only rages and laughs, and there is no quiet.” (Proverbs 29:8-9)

Click here: Published first in the Timesnew 3/3/23

Fight for it

 

She was radiantly beautiful, and in that enchanting moment she literally was like a vision from a fairytale.  I was so honored to be officiating her marriage because she was the nearest thing to a daughter I ever had -- in fact for over 20 years I had hoped this special young woman would grow up one day to marry one of our sons.  And, when I saw her walking down the aisle as the audience stood in unison, I lost control.  

I’ve performed plenty of weddings but this was a first for me.  The preacher isn’t supposed to lose his composure and bawl like a baby at times like this.  But it was useless to fight the tears, I was so choked up I was powerless to continue.  I began to cry so hard that her mother beside me, her bridesmaid, handed me her handkerchief.  I turned my back, collected myself, and then turned back and haltingly I continued the wedding ceremony.  

Almost nothing can compare to the joy of such momentous days.  We still have their “save the date” magnet on our fridge.  Next month marks the two year anniversary of their special day.  But presently that young couple is completely separated and sadly they are preparing to get divorced.  

I’m not sure why, but around 50% of all marriages dissolve.  There are many factors and variables leading into a divorce, from career choices to our friend circles, to the input of key people in our lives.   

I heard long ago that going through a divorce is like “fighting a skunk in a phone booth.”  If divorce was categorized as a disease, it would be our greatest epidemic -- sadly, somehow we’ve normalized it.  

There's more heartache experienced through divorce than most any other monumental tragedy in life.  And if there are children, the heartaches continue -- custody issues, ball games, graduations, their marriages, arrival of grandchildren, holidays, the list goes on of where you are awkwardly in attendance with your Ex over and over again.  

And, on top of this pain which divorcees experience, there are too many judgmental churches who hypocritically stigmatize the divorced, treating those in failed marriages as if they are failures themselves.  Shame on us for making anyone feel ostracized -- talk about shooting your wounded!

As the church, we probably need to dedicate more time praying more for our families as a whole.  We are nothing if we are not Christians who nurture the family unit.  I don’t care how many needs we meet in our community, if we neglect our families our work is in vain.  

I believe that all married couples can realistically reconcile their differences and that if they want to strongly enough, they can avoid divorce and work through any struggles, but only if they want to.  I also know, if they don’t want to work out their problems, they won’t.   Marriage isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth fighting for.  It’s time for the church to stand up and fight.  

Originally printed in the Kingsport Times news 11/11/22

https://www.timesnews.net/living/features/craig-cottongim-marriage-is-worth-fighting-for/article_6674479a-4a5f-11ed-9aee-a3598401ba6f.html

 

Why it's best to just speak your mind

 

One of the biggest paradoxes ever is the excitement of the holidays along with the sadness that accompanies the holidays. The holidays can be joyful and festive, but this season can also be rough on all of us. Some of us will go to the cemetery and sweep leaves off of our loved ones’ headstones, wishing we had one more day to spend with them.

Maybe we will look around the table during this holiday season, missing loved ones who have moved away, passed away, or who simply have decided to stay away.

Seemingly, to make it rougher during the holidays, they say that we shouldn’t talk about “religion or politics” when we gather together to celebrate. If you can’t talk about subjects you’re faithful to or passionate about with people who share the same last name as you, perhaps these relationships were too fragile in the first place.

If you have to pretend you are something you are not to maintain any relationship, then I doubt there is much of a relationship worth maintaining. I am not advocating “stirring the pot” or purposely riling people up just to be irritating. I am saying, it’s time to be yourself.

So, to be clear, the holidays can be a gloomy time and yes family gatherings are ripe for conflict — but who wants to walk on eggshells their entire life?

Now is the season to celebrate faith and family, but if you can’t express yourself freely, within reason, you’ll not only resent your family, you’ll despise yourself for being a phony.

The same can be said of your relationships at church or work.

It’s a lose-lose situation to pretend to be someone who you are not. Biting your tongue only serves to suppress what you really think, believe or stand for. When you go against yourself long enough, you slowly erode your soul.

When we pretend to be someone we aren’t to simply gain the acceptance of others, they aren’t really accepting a true version of us. So we not only deceive those around us, we senselessly censor and suppress ourselves. This isn’t healthy. The end result is, not only won’t we like those we are trying to impress, we will eventually hate ourselves for carrying on the charade.

Jesus says in John, Chapter 8 that the devil is the father of lies. Why would we want to perpetuate a false persona to those around us? That’s the biggest lie ever told!

So perhaps the best gift that you can give yourself this holiday season is the permission to be yourself. It’s honest and true, and it’s the best you that you have to offer.

Therefore, when you get together with your family and friends, talk about politics, talk about religion, share your true opinions on whatever subject comes up — don’t let anyone bully you or shame you into silence.

This holiday season, as you reminisce with your loved ones make sure you are there with them fully, but make sure it is actually the real you who is present. Not half of you, not part of you, not a fake version of what you think they want to see so they can accept you — be the real you. The reality is, if you can’t be true to yourself, you can’t be true to others.

Of course, you can already guess what the flip side of this coin is, can’t you? The same grace you hope to receive from those around you so that you can truly be yourself, you’ll need to extend to those around the table as well.

Originally published in the Kingsport TimesNews:

https://www.timesnews.net/news/faith/its-time-to-be-yourself/article_8db9df74-2a92-11ec-bdf7-bf3ee684f91c.html