Mutuality makes the marriage

 

In one of his best known songs, Elvis sang, “We’re caught in a trap, and I can’t walk out.”  If you’re stuck in a miserable marriage, maybe you are missing out on the miracle of mutuality.  Mature marriages make room for intimacy, encouragement, and celebrating each other’s victories — they also know about the secrets of grace & mercy, therefore the more mutuality you experience, the more enjoyable your marriage becomes.  

Mutuality is actually a Biblical concept.  Paul wrote in I Cor 7:3-4, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.  For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”  And Paul also wrote in I Cor 11:11, “Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman...” 

My wife has an almost instinctive capability to encourage me in my pursuits.  She knows I enjoy writing, for example, and whenever I have a new piece published she instantly shares it on social media and she brags on me, she hugs me and tells me how happy she is for me.  I try to reciprocate, but honestly she outdoes me at every turn.  It’s a gift and she shares it without measure.  

I like to joke and tell her I’m her trophy husband or her eye-candy whenever we have an event we attend with her work; she’s a grant-chair for a local charitable foundation and I’m proud of the work she does.  But, I fuss and pout like an adolescent when I have to “dress up” for those events which I always enjoy -- I get to meet interesting people and whenever there’s food involved it’s always amazing!  

Even though I throw a fit about dressing up, I’m 100% there for my wife and we have a great time.  In fact we pretty much have a great time together whether it’s a night of rubbing shoulders or running errands. Why? Because we enjoy our time together and we want to see each other win.  

It’s not just about you, we all owe it to our children and grandchildren to have the best marriages we possibly can.  Why?  When adults bicker and feud all the time and fail to model mutuality for their children, they set the next generation up for failure and present them with difficult challenges for bonding.  It cannot be overemphasized enough the importance of a strong marriage for building confidence and security in future generations.  

Sometimes we lead best by example.  When was the last time you complimented your spouse, supported them, or bragged on them to others?   The good news is if you’ve lost those traits in your marriage, it is your choice to renew or reverse or revitalize or do whatever you need to do to improve the relationship.  Otherwise, if you’ve lost all of your optimism, what’s the point?  

We have found in over 35 years of marriage that being there for each other and being best friends makes all the difference in the world.  We support each other in our work, our dreams, and our personal goals -- we actually enjoy cooking together, traveling together, and living life together.  Mutuality is the magic ingredient of marriage, I know firsthand and I hope the same for you too.  

They can’t give you what they don’t have

 Quit crawling to an empty well to satisfy what your soul thirsts for, since certain people simply lack the ability to express what you long to hear, continually seeking from them what they are incapable of giving you is like drinking saltwater.  Anyone can offer an eloquent eulogy after it’s too late, but only truly confident people know how to compliment you and express their appreciation in the here & now.   

Perhaps they are resentful or envious of you, regardless, hoarding their affirmation probably gives them a sense of power and control over you.  It’s simple to say “I’m proud of you” or “thank you for all that you do” or “wow, you are really good at what you do.” But they can’t relinquish their hold on your validation, because withholding it gives these weak people the feeling they crave most, dominance.  

Rejoicing with you when you “win” in life seems impossible for them.  If they were to uplift you, they feel like losers because in their emotional economy the transaction goes something like this: Encouragement gives you more quality leaving less for me, while discouragement takes value away from you leaving me with more.  

Actually you do give something of yourself when you elevate others, an insight into the quality of your character.  And, while discouraging you takes joy away from you, subjugators give you an insight into their heart -- their discouragement is not a true reflection of you but it is an accurate account of their wounded-brokenness.  

What is a more mature path to pursue than seeking their affirmation?  Shake off their dark cloud of disappointment and move on with your life.  While we do not earn God’s love, He already loves us, hopefully knowing He loves us will motivate us to live in a way that pleases God, so our goal should be to seek God’s approval.  

For a healthier perspective about proper ambitions, forget about those emotional bullies and consider these passages: 

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”  (Gal 1:10)

“But just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts.” (I Thess 2:4)

Don’t despair when dishonorable people neglect to compliment you or express their gratitude.  Reinforcing their rejection, these pathetic people will never be happy for you, they won’t celebrate your victories, and at best they will rob you of whatever joy they can.  People who lack empathy are incapable of edifying others, so don’t dwell on their discouragement or you’ll be miserable just like they are.  

Of course this exact principle regarding encouragement applies to us all.  It’s a good idea then to ask yourself, when was the last time you praised anyone around you, honestly, how frequently do you freely cheer others on?