Before you use this common phrase think again

  

I've seen several friends all across the spectrum of conservative-liberal/spiritual-secular post the above phrase, and after giving it much thought, I want to share my opinion about the deeper meaning I think I see in this phrase without offending the folks who have shared the phrase.  Just because I don't like this phrase doesn't mean I don't like you.  

A popular, rather cute & clever saying parading about under the guise of being the bigger person, is actually, in my opinion, one of the most condescending, judgmental, critical statements floating around the internet these days, again in my opinion.  Basically what the statement (pictured above) is asserting, while masked in politeness, is that you are above the other person, you are far superior to them, they are really just a mouth breather, MAGA supporter, right-winger, degenerate, liberal, ignorant, backwards, whatever you disagree with person. 

The main problem I see with this phrase: How arrogant to assume you can assess their ability to engage in an argument before you have heard them out?  The statement asserts you know their mind better than they do, before you even try to resolve an issue you get the privilege of determining if they are "mature" enough to grapple with your point of view.  .  

The self-righteous statement is completely disingenuous, you get to pretend that your debate opponent is unworthy of your time because they are simply not as smart as you, they do not represent the same views that rebound and resound throughout your echo-chamber.  I cannot imagine anyone who is confident in their convictions, relying on such a phrase as this.

This cute catchphrase becomes an excuse to discontinue dialogue because you have already devalued the other person's opinion. Obviously, if they were a mature person, they would already believe what you have believed and would repeat what you say and agreed with you, but now thanks to this clever phrase, you no longer have to give them the dignity or validate their opinion. 

It is an easy out, commonly a cowardly excuse to disengage from a discussion from which you are not able to actually defend your own weak position. You pretend to have a position of superiority and pretend that the other person simply is not mature enough to accept or able to comprehend your lofty ideals. 

It is a stance that reeks of the stench of smugness, to me.  This immature phrase has the illusion of maturity, but really once you dig down deep and unpack the sentiment of this phrase, it becomes clear that it is no more than an excuse to avoid dialogue with people who strongly disagree with your perspective.

It is actually very degrading to the other person. To use this phrase is like having the monopoly game get out of jail free card, and you simply look at the other person who is beneath you and say "oh I can’t have this discussion with you because you have strong opinions, which, by the way are offensive."  This petty phase simply illustrates the fact that you are just not ready to have difficult conversations. 

This phrase works well because as an ace in the hole-trumps all phrase, if they shared your perspectives after all, there would be no disagreement or discussion. Therefore, since they do not share your perspective, the question of are they mature enough to have the conversation goes straight out the window. 

Actually, the fact is before you ask questions about other people's depth of maturity and capacity to dialogue civilly, before entering into the discussion, you need to ask questions about your own self, some deep questions. Namely, are you able to entertain the idea that you might be wrong about the topic, or, are you open to changing your own opinion, or are you flexible? If you are not willing to change what you think and believe, it is hypocritical to enter into a conversation that attempts to persuade someone else to change their view and expect them to move into an alignment with your own ideas or with your own views.

So yes, I'm tired of the way people have used/misused this phrase, it may have been well intentioned by the one who coined it and even by some of the people who have shared it, but I have seen it misused more often than not.  A better phrase which might be less euphonic is: Look first at your own motivations and agendas before you question someone else's ability to have a tough conversation.  

Mutuality makes the marriage

 

In one of his best known songs, Elvis sang, “We’re caught in a trap, and I can’t walk out.”  If you’re stuck in a miserable marriage, maybe you are missing out on the miracle of mutuality.  Mature marriages make room for intimacy, encouragement, and celebrating each other’s victories — they also know about the secrets of grace & mercy, therefore the more mutuality you experience, the more enjoyable your marriage becomes.  

Mutuality is actually a Biblical concept.  Paul wrote in I Cor 7:3-4, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.  For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”  And Paul also wrote in I Cor 11:11, “Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman...” 

My wife has an almost instinctive capability to encourage me in my pursuits.  She knows I enjoy writing, for example, and whenever I have a new piece published she instantly shares it on social media and she brags on me, she hugs me and tells me how happy she is for me.  I try to reciprocate, but honestly she outdoes me at every turn.  It’s a gift and she shares it without measure.  

I like to joke and tell her I’m her trophy husband or her eye-candy whenever we have an event we attend with her work; she’s a grant-chair for a local charitable foundation and I’m proud of the work she does.  But, I fuss and pout like an adolescent when I have to “dress up” for those events which I always enjoy -- I get to meet interesting people and whenever there’s food involved it’s always amazing!  

Even though I throw a fit about dressing up, I’m 100% there for my wife and we have a great time.  In fact we pretty much have a great time together whether it’s a night of rubbing shoulders or running errands. Why? Because we enjoy our time together and we want to see each other win.  

It’s not just about you, we all owe it to our children and grandchildren to have the best marriages we possibly can.  Why?  When adults bicker and feud all the time and fail to model mutuality for their children, they set the next generation up for failure and present them with difficult challenges for bonding.  It cannot be overemphasized enough the importance of a strong marriage for building confidence and security in future generations.  

Sometimes we lead best by example.  When was the last time you complimented your spouse, supported them, or bragged on them to others?   The good news is if you’ve lost those traits in your marriage, it is your choice to renew or reverse or revitalize or do whatever you need to do to improve the relationship.  Otherwise, if you’ve lost all of your optimism, what’s the point?  

We have found in over 35 years of marriage that being there for each other and being best friends makes all the difference in the world.  We support each other in our work, our dreams, and our personal goals -- we actually enjoy cooking together, traveling together, and living life together.  Mutuality is the magic ingredient of marriage, I know firsthand and I hope the same for you too.  

Blowout to burgers: merging several loves

Early one morning on the way to pump concrete I had a blowout on the pump, the durable trailer tire is rated for 10,000 pounds and when I pulled over to look, the remaining tire looked like a shredded sunflower hanging on the rim.

More challenges immediately followed.  I had to drop the pump and run home to grab the spare, when I got back, I tried to start the pump so I could lower its outriggers to raise up the rear to change the flat.  My battery was dead on the pump.  I pulled the truck around to the pump to jump start the pump, either my cables were bad or the truck battery wasn't strong enough to start the pump.

I called the contractor I was pumping for, explained through my embarrassment the situation and asked if his crew could try with their work truck to jump the pump.  They drove from the jobsite to me quickly.  

A momentary victory was short-lived.  We succeeded in jumping our pump with their truck, changed the flat, but then on the way to their job the pump died again.  I apologized once more, pushed back concrete at the plant once again, and ran to the parts-store for a new battery, which was out of stock.  

I went to the next parts-store, who had our battery, and when it came time to remove the old battery, we couldn't budge it.  I called our salesman who talked me through it, it required loosing the cold air return lines, which I didn't tighten the rubber boots back properly after we reinstalled the battery and each time the pump switched strokes the return lines on the diesel motor whistled loudly.  I texted the mechanic at the pump factory in California and asked him about the whistling, he texted "That is bad, you have to fix that immediately!"  I wiggled the rubber boot that goes on the metal pipe of the cold air return and readjusted the clamps and solved that dilemma.  

Of course at this point, it had to rain  We were pumping three sets of footers on the same street on adjoining lots.  When I say rain, I don't mean sprinkle.  It was a deluge.

  In my haste to get loaded up and strap down the hoses, I forgot to pick up the wooden blocks I set under the outriggers, these blocks we have had on the truck since our second job, I know it sounds silly to be attached to theses scrap 4x4 blocks, but they held a special memory too, I salvaged those blocks the day we pumped the wrong mix and it took two hours to prime out and another 7 hours to beat out the plugged up hoses.  Lessons were learned that day!

I decided quickly that I would not waste the challenging experience of the day I had a major blowout.  You've heard the old saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."  When a concrete pumper has a major blowout that ruins the rim, instead of lemons to lemonade, I say "Blowouts to burgers!"  

This project is meaningful to me because it brings several of my loves together, woven like a quilt, first, the spare parts for making this grill are from the pump, namely the bent rim but the post for this grill is an old reducer.  For those who don't pump, the reducer attaches to the outlet on the pump where the concrete initially is discharged from the pump.    Concrete is what I set the grill in, in the backyard.

So far pumping and concrete, two of my great loves have been involved in creating a grill, and of course grilling is one of my loves, and then another love of mine is welding.  I took four years of welding in high school and had ambitions of welding as a career in my teens.

I can’t think of anything more rewarding than to recreate creatively taking ruin, salvaging the chaos and then utilize and cause something useful and productive from a discouraging situation.  I love this homemade grill that transformed an experience of being stranded to solving the solution of when we are starving!