Why people without self control try to control you

There’s a tremendous difference between feeling powerful and actually being powerful, for example, some people childishly confuse cutting down or cutting-off others with having power.  Real power is unrelated to inhibiting others.  How so? 

Authentic power minimally includes, letting your guard down, empowering others & building them up, blessing them, and giving them what they couldn’t achieve on their own.  Yet, true power incorporates more than exhibiting vulnerability or edifying others.

So, what is power?  Power is controlling yourself, not others.  

Who are truly powerful people?  Not tyrants, but folks who practice self-control, as we read in Prov 16:32, “Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.”

Powerful people are reserved, humble, grateful, as well as confident, and they do not believe that anyone owes them anything.  Powerless people with their fragile egos are rash, arrogant, rarely satisfied, and lacking in confidence they always feel slighted by the world.   

At the negotiating table of life it is the unconfident ones who resort to threats, steamrolling you by shunning & shaming you, not the confident people.  Weak people seek to discourage and dominate while the strong prefer to encourage and liberate.  In our desperation to feel more powerful we try harder to control others around us by withholding our affections, our compliments, even access to our very selves, but again, these pitiful efforts aren’t actual power.  

The more we feel the need to constrain others, the greater the depth of our own felt-weakness is magnified.  The weaker we feel, the stronger our struggle to appear powerful becomes -- think of bullies and how they suppress others out of a sense of ineptness, frailty, and self-loathing.  

Sadly, our culture encourages us to disregard self-control, instead to overeat, overspend, overextend, over-do-it and to ignore the consequences.  Consider the fallout resulting from the counterfeit feeling of power that high interest credit cards entice us with, and then the predatory title-loan institutions lurking in the shadows waiting to exploit those already buried in debt.  These corollary disastrous financial examples often pale in comparison to the pain we inflict on each other.

Weak people lash out at those who anger them or stand in their way while powerful people try to help people -- that’s the main outward/visible difference between weak and powerful people.  And, our actual strength or lack thereof comes down to embracing self-control.  Therefore, the most important people-skill we can instill in our children is exhibiting self-control, and as adults it might be our most important continuing endeavor as well.  

Rewriting history doesn’t really change the past, and moving the field goal when others are trying to accommodate your needs doesn’t really improve any relationship.  Perhaps the more we want to change others only amplifies how poorly we fail to personally change ourselves.  In the end, ignoring our own need for greater self-control hurts us more than we’d like to admit.  

Unapologetic attempt to address the attitude that ails us

I think a better title would've been "Embrace people with differing points of view" but I still see the value in my editor's choice of wording.  It's hard to get people to open up to our ideas when we closed to their ideas and closed to them.  Before I share the text of the column, below, I think many people feel subjugated and experience too much suppression when it comes to talking, which is an unsuccessful way for us as a society to bridge our differences, and if we continue to alienate ourselves from those we disagree with our results will remain unsatisfactory if we ever want to grow and mature.  Enough of the rant, here is today's religion column original published in the Kingsport Times News:  

Our contemporary quandary about discussing anything remotely controversial without difficulty isn’t healthy, but it obviously isn’t new either.   As Einstein observed, “Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. The mediocre mind is incapable of understanding the man who refuses to bow blindly to conventional prejudices and chooses instead to express his opinions courageously and honestly.”

Consider how C.S. Lewis saw this dilemma, “When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind.”  Contemplate George Orwell’s similar insight, “In times of universal deceit, telling the truth will be a revolutionary act.”  Perhaps Thomas Paine put it best, “He who dares not offend cannot be honest.”

Circumstances may have changed since those great thinkers were around, but sadly today Trump, Fauci, Covid vaccines & Big Pharma, transgenderism, wars in Israel and Ukraine, money, the climate & energy, and a host of other interesting & worthwhile topics are suddenly off limits because they seemingly separate us from those we care about.  Without even being forcefully censored, many of us feel coerced to remain silent for fear of rejection or retaliation.  

I’ve been in echochamber churches before and I’ve experienced shallow friendships where it’s okay to take your ball and go home when things don’t go your way.  Their unwritten creed dictated complete agreement of every doctrine, theological stance, opinion, and divergent views were intolerable, yet I’ve come to appreciate the fact that spiritually mature people go beyond simply tolerating opposing views, they invite people not to acquiesce but to think for themselves and to actually express their views openly.  How else can we grow?

Where am I coming up with these radical ideas?  This extremist position on exchanging ideas with the goal of overall personal improvement comes from Scripture:

Prov 12:15, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes,

    but a wise man listens to advice.”

Prov 18:2, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding,

    but only in expressing his opinion.”

Prov 27:6, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend;

    profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

Prov 27:17, “Iron sharpens iron,

    and one man sharpens another.”

Somehow we have corrupted the quality of our relationships by characterizing anyone who contradicts us as combative.  Hogwash.  True friends are vital because they care enough to disagree -- confident people refuse to allow their differences to dissolve their bonds of community.  

Shutting down and devaluing differing points of view lacks integrity, lowers the standard of authentic friendships, corrodes community, and it weakens us intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.  Biblical relationships value debate and dialogue -- just because someone disagrees with you it doesn't mean they have attacked or victimized you nor are they inherently evil.  We gain little by prohibiting differences of opinions and surrounding ourselves with people who only reinforce every opinion we have.  

Courageous relationships are risky -- sharing your thoughts requires vulnerability but mature people know how to disagree with others without feeling the need to demonize them.  It is okay to disagree with or dislike the content of what someone says but it is immature to dislike & distance yourself from them just for what they think. 

Before you use this common phrase think again

  

I've seen several friends all across the spectrum of conservative-liberal/spiritual-secular post the above phrase, and after giving it much thought, I want to share my opinion about the deeper meaning I think I see in this phrase without offending the folks who have shared the phrase.  Just because I don't like this phrase doesn't mean I don't like you.  

A popular, rather cute & clever saying parading about under the guise of being the bigger person, is actually, in my opinion, one of the most condescending, judgmental, critical statements floating around the internet these days, again in my opinion.  Basically what the statement (pictured above) is asserting, while masked in politeness, is that you are above the other person, you are far superior to them, they are really just a mouth breather, MAGA supporter, right-winger, degenerate, liberal, ignorant, backwards, whatever you disagree with person. 

The main problem I see with this phrase: How arrogant to assume you can assess their ability to engage in an argument before you have heard them out?  The statement asserts you know their mind better than they do, before you even try to resolve an issue you get the privilege of determining if they are "mature" enough to grapple with your point of view.  .  

The self-righteous statement is completely disingenuous, you get to pretend that your debate opponent is unworthy of your time because they are simply not as smart as you, they do not represent the same views that rebound and resound throughout your echo-chamber.  I cannot imagine anyone who is confident in their convictions, relying on such a phrase as this.

This cute catchphrase becomes an excuse to discontinue dialogue because you have already devalued the other person's opinion. Obviously, if they were a mature person, they would already believe what you have believed and would repeat what you say and agreed with you, but now thanks to this clever phrase, you no longer have to give them the dignity or validate their opinion. 

It is an easy out, commonly a cowardly excuse to disengage from a discussion from which you are not able to actually defend your own weak position. You pretend to have a position of superiority and pretend that the other person simply is not mature enough to accept or able to comprehend your lofty ideals. 

It is a stance that reeks of the stench of smugness, to me.  This immature phrase has the illusion of maturity, but really once you dig down deep and unpack the sentiment of this phrase, it becomes clear that it is no more than an excuse to avoid dialogue with people who strongly disagree with your perspective.

It is actually very degrading to the other person. To use this phrase is like having the monopoly game get out of jail free card, and you simply look at the other person who is beneath you and say "oh I can’t have this discussion with you because you have strong opinions, which, by the way are offensive."  This petty phase simply illustrates the fact that you are just not ready to have difficult conversations. 

This phrase works well because as an ace in the hole-trumps all phrase, if they shared your perspectives after all, there would be no disagreement or discussion. Therefore, since they do not share your perspective, the question of are they mature enough to have the conversation goes straight out the window. 

Actually, the fact is before you ask questions about other people's depth of maturity and capacity to dialogue civilly, before entering into the discussion, you need to ask questions about your own self, some deep questions. Namely, are you able to entertain the idea that you might be wrong about the topic, or, are you open to changing your own opinion, or are you flexible? If you are not willing to change what you think and believe, it is hypocritical to enter into a conversation that attempts to persuade someone else to change their view and expect them to move into an alignment with your own ideas or with your own views.

So yes, I'm tired of the way people have used/misused this phrase, it may have been well intentioned by the one who coined it and even by some of the people who have shared it, but I have seen it misused more often than not.  A better phrase which might be less euphonic is: Look first at your own motivations and agendas before you question someone else's ability to have a tough conversation.  

Violence is always the answer

It comes as no surprise that sometimes tragedies bring out the worst in us.  Take for example the attempt on Trump's life this weekend.  It is impossible to ignore the event, yet for many it is too tempting not to capitalize on the crisis.  Both sides of the spectrum have their spin, but come Monday everyone will head to work and life will go on as normal.

When a 20 year old civilian from the Midwest can reach out and touch one of the most powerful and highly protected people on the planet, how should we all respond?  It should be shocking, not politized.  We should recognize the vulnerability of human life, and we should morn the loss of the innocent bystanders, but we certainly should not celebrate this inexcusable act.  

We are so used to division in our nation that it seems appropriate take sides over this.  What we should ask is why would anyone feel so much hatred and feel so powerless that they could stoop to a cowardly attack like this?  We as humans do this because violence comes natural and it is easy.  

We have since the time of Cain and Able resorted to violence to solve our problems, it seems like violence is always the answer to our problems.  Look at road rage, bar brawls, or any altercation, it is the lazy to handle your problems, it takes very little skill or knowledge or effort.  

Mankind takes the path of least resistance, so violence comes as no surprise.  Solving our differences and resolving our conflict takes effort and creativity.  Most people have little energy or creativity when it comes to resolving their differences.  

It is always easier to demonize your adversary than it is to listen to what they really have to say.  It is easier to bicker with your rivals and defend your position than it is to try to understand or consider the validity of your opponent.  Until we value other people more than we treasure being right, we will argue, and arguing eventually escalates, sometimes even to extreme measures. 

The problem isn't the violence, that is a symptom of the problem.  More so is the fact that we are ignoring our inability to unite despite our differences.  We have lost our ability to disagree without being angry.  We have forgotten the art of public discourse and civil debate.  We have become a combative and argumentative society.  Until, if it is even possible to, until we learn how to settle our differences, we will always resort to violence in our efforts to settle the score.   

When to burn the ships or our bridges...

 

What’s the difference between burning ships or burning bridges? Understanding the difference not only is a sign of maturity, it defines the health of your relationships.

In A.D. 1519, Cortez was concerned his crew could find the New World too difficult, possibly becoming so overwhelmed they might mutiny. So upon landing he burned 10 of his 11 ships, saving one to send gold back to the monarchy — a shrewd sign of dedication and commitment. Further back, the ancient Roman armies were the first ones to burn bridges in combat — cutting off their enemies, preventing their past problems from pestering their future.

These days, metaphorically, burning our ships is about destroying whatever prevents us from progressing. Burning our bridges is about distancing ourselves from whoever threatens us with regressing. When it comes to conflict, which one is best?

Regardless if you are arguing for a raise at work or embroiled in a custody battle with your ex, it is as difficult for the “other side” to see your side as it is for you to see theirs. Perhaps this is why arguing our sides is ineffective. We think that logic and reason will prevail, but many disagreements are emotionally charged, and the truth rarely matters in an argument. Too often we value being right more than we do the relationship.

Honestly, who is unbiased and able to see both sides of any argument? For example, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” (Proverbs 18:2)

When it becomes too heated, our temper gets the best of us. In the heat of the moment we immaturely say things in anger, burning our bridges. “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.” (Proverbs 15:18)

Often it’s better to control our tongue instead. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) So know when to take a break from talking. “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.” (Proverbs 17:14)

When we are entangled in a heated argument, sometimes it’s best to not argue but to patiently trust that the consequences will prove our side is correct. Arguing in a healthy way requires that we listen as much or more so than we speak. “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15)

Therefore, self-control is our most effective, productive and powerful tool when it comes to having a healthy argument. “Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” (Proverbs 16:32)

Too often we are afraid to let go of what’s personally holding us back and we hesitate to make healthy changes and burn our ships. Instead we are too quick to burn bridges with people we might need to reconnect with in the future. Next time you find yourself in a disagreement, keep this in mind: “Scoffers set a city aflame, but the wise turn away wrath. If a wise man has an argument with a fool, the fool only rages and laughs, and there is no quiet.” (Proverbs 29:8-9)

Click here: Published first in the Timesnew 3/3/23

Why it's best to just speak your mind

 

One of the biggest paradoxes ever is the excitement of the holidays along with the sadness that accompanies the holidays. The holidays can be joyful and festive, but this season can also be rough on all of us. Some of us will go to the cemetery and sweep leaves off of our loved ones’ headstones, wishing we had one more day to spend with them.

Maybe we will look around the table during this holiday season, missing loved ones who have moved away, passed away, or who simply have decided to stay away.

Seemingly, to make it rougher during the holidays, they say that we shouldn’t talk about “religion or politics” when we gather together to celebrate. If you can’t talk about subjects you’re faithful to or passionate about with people who share the same last name as you, perhaps these relationships were too fragile in the first place.

If you have to pretend you are something you are not to maintain any relationship, then I doubt there is much of a relationship worth maintaining. I am not advocating “stirring the pot” or purposely riling people up just to be irritating. I am saying, it’s time to be yourself.

So, to be clear, the holidays can be a gloomy time and yes family gatherings are ripe for conflict — but who wants to walk on eggshells their entire life?

Now is the season to celebrate faith and family, but if you can’t express yourself freely, within reason, you’ll not only resent your family, you’ll despise yourself for being a phony.

The same can be said of your relationships at church or work.

It’s a lose-lose situation to pretend to be someone who you are not. Biting your tongue only serves to suppress what you really think, believe or stand for. When you go against yourself long enough, you slowly erode your soul.

When we pretend to be someone we aren’t to simply gain the acceptance of others, they aren’t really accepting a true version of us. So we not only deceive those around us, we senselessly censor and suppress ourselves. This isn’t healthy. The end result is, not only won’t we like those we are trying to impress, we will eventually hate ourselves for carrying on the charade.

Jesus says in John, Chapter 8 that the devil is the father of lies. Why would we want to perpetuate a false persona to those around us? That’s the biggest lie ever told!

So perhaps the best gift that you can give yourself this holiday season is the permission to be yourself. It’s honest and true, and it’s the best you that you have to offer.

Therefore, when you get together with your family and friends, talk about politics, talk about religion, share your true opinions on whatever subject comes up — don’t let anyone bully you or shame you into silence.

This holiday season, as you reminisce with your loved ones make sure you are there with them fully, but make sure it is actually the real you who is present. Not half of you, not part of you, not a fake version of what you think they want to see so they can accept you — be the real you. The reality is, if you can’t be true to yourself, you can’t be true to others.

Of course, you can already guess what the flip side of this coin is, can’t you? The same grace you hope to receive from those around you so that you can truly be yourself, you’ll need to extend to those around the table as well.

Originally published in the Kingsport TimesNews:

https://www.timesnews.net/news/faith/its-time-to-be-yourself/article_8db9df74-2a92-11ec-bdf7-bf3ee684f91c.html

The Solutions to your problems

Have you been dissatisfied with how your church has handled a particular problem or problem person, wondering to yourself why church politics failed to fix our problems? It’s because Satan is busier in the church boardroom than he is in the barroom.

I frequently hear from different people about the problems in their churches or from others about the problems with how poorly the city and county handle their responsibilities. My questions then become, how can you contribute to solving this problem you’re so troubled about, what’s the best solution, and how will you help out? Because if you’re passionate about a problem you see, it’s better to work toward being part of the solution than it is to gripe about it.

If you are waiting for your church leaders or your local politicians to make bad situations better, I feel sorry for you. Most of the people we are waiting for to make the desired improvements are more concerned with their position/office and with preserving their organization/institution than they are with whatever problems you worry about. If you are disappointed with the state of affairs you see, you probably have misplaced your faith and trust. I hate to break it to you, but most decisions are not made in “formal” meetings. They are decided in the “informal” meetings out in the parking lot before the meeting even happens.

What are some positive steps you can take toward resolving problems? You can draft up a plan, offer resources, put in the effort, and volunteer to work on it. This is as true for your church as it is for your city.

If you are upset with your neighborhood, ask a police officer what you can do to help make a difference and how you can make our city a better place. Or take a drive out to the old Sam’s Club and volunteer at the Second Harvest Food Bank. Or go talk to a school principal and offer to help tutor at-risk kids. There’s no lack of opportunities for you to make a positive difference.

Do you know what the difference is between being frustrated about a problem and simply grumbling about it? Most people like to criticize and fault-find a lot more than they like participating in the solution.

For example, it’s easy to sit in your armchair and take a potshot at the potholes on our roads, though you never hear a follow- up from those critics on how to best repair our roads. It’s the same thing when your church isn’t “growing.”

You don’t have to be special or smart to point out problems. Thanks to Facebook, we no longer have to submit a “letter to the editor” to air our contempt. It’s easy to hide bravely behind our keyboards and smartphones and lambaste those “in charge.” Social media has emboldened us, but the fact is, truly courageous people don’t have the time to be critical of others because they are too busy making a difference.

If you think you’re too weak and powerless to make a difference, then you see yourself as a victim. And let me tell you what, the world will eat you alive — in that case you’re better off keeping your opinion to yourself if you don’t think you can help fix it. All you are doing at that point is wasting a lot of emotional energy, and no one likes sour grapes. Like the old impolite saying goes, “put up or shut up...”

Maybe the deeper problem is we as people are addicted to complaining. Complaining isn’t a spiritual gift, it isn’t a sign of compassion, and it doesn’t indicate you care. Complaining all the time is evidence of a critical heart. Fault-finding is straight-up hypocrisy. It’s not insightful or profound to point out what’s wrong with the world without participating in the solution.

What if we as believers hounded lost souls about their need for Jesus with half as much zeal as we pestered people about COVID, masks and vaccines — whichever side of that debate you landed on. If your concern is legitimate, do something more productive than complaining. If God lays a burden on your heart, it’s not for the purpose of whining about it. Whether it’s the poor condition of our roads, the homeless, COVID, racism, inequality, drugs — whatever it is, no one wants to hear what the problem is without hearing your solutions. In other words: What are you doing to fix the problems besides complaining, worrying or blaming?

Watch your words and compliment more than you complain. Then and only then will people listen and begin to take you more seriously. Don’t complain about City Hall until you hitch up and haul your fair share of the burdens in our community.

Don’t wait around for your church leaders or your politicians to fix the problems that trouble you most. Take responsibility, roll up your sleeves and get to work — you’ll never need permission to do the right thing.

Originally published on Oct 15th 2021 in the Kingsport TimesNews:

https://www.timesnews.net/news/faith/stop-complaining-and-be-part-of-the-solution/article_b0edcef6-1700-11ec-a74f-9fd25d8fd231.html

What's wrong with this world & how to fix it

Power and authority should not be confused with each other (The corollary to these ideas are submission and obedience).  Power, the ability or resource for action, and authority, having the right to enforce or exercise the power.  Our understanding, or better yet our misunderstanding of these ideas are at the root of much of what's wrong with this world.  This leaves us in perpetual tension.  Why?  Everyone wants to be the one in charge wielding their power while no one seems to appreciate the need to obey or be submissive.  

Families all across the land are divided and they are being ripped apart over arguing about who is to blame for our Nation’s problems and how do we as a people unite and move forward.  We don’t just segregate our communities by skin color, we separate by political affiliations, social status, occupations and economic diversities.  

With a culture that is obsessed with competition, from tee ball to professional Sports, campaigners trying to beat their Political opponents, to your kid’s dance or debate team -- is it any wonder we have such a division at every level in our country?  This isn’t new.  All the way back to Cain & Able we’ve had rivalries.  

The process of College entrance is competitive, applying for a job is competitive, getting your parent’s attention is competitive, keeping your attention here on this page or when you sit in a pew competes with technology and social media/the entertainment industry.  You know who doesn't compete?  God.

It’s clear to nearly everyone we need change.  Whatever it is we’ve been doing, it isn’t working.  Change is incredibly difficult, and we can see this playing out in our culture right now.  Think of how many churches fizzle out by fighting over change.  How can we call people to action?

Maybe we just need a “better pitch” to energize people?  Clever slogans like Nancy Reagan’s “just say no” campaign (drug abuse has risen exponentially since her plea) or the “WWJD” bracelets we wore in the 1990’s seem ineffective to spark real change.  Slogans rarely mobilize people, instead they seemingly initiate fads that fade from memory quickly.  

Perhaps we need stricter criminal & civil laws, ones regulating speech, gatherings, and actions that make people fairer.  If the laws don’t work, let’s break those laws or similar ones and make sure our voices are heard.  Well.  It’s hard to legislate morality.  And fairness & equality are moral issues -- matters of the heart.  

Laws will not change the heart or the attitude of divisive people.  Neither protests nor riots will change the hearts or culture that they infiltrate either.  

We’re now seeing a different competition for the direction or the focus of our national conversation.  As long as we compete and see this as an “Us versus them” issue, we will lose ground.  We need to mutually support each other as much as possible.  Support has to be authentic and genuine.  Not everyone will feel the same as you or share your approach to bridging the gaps that exist in our nation, and instead of resisting or resenting, we need to learn to cooperate.  

How do we cooperate towards a common good?  We must see others as allies instead of demonizing them as enemies and we must obediently submit to the right authority, yes, we need to yield to God’s will -- especially in how we treat each other.

Consider what Paul wrote in Romans 13:8-10, “8 Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. 9 For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 10 Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.”  And ultimately, it’s time for us to take the words of Jesus seriously, especially what He says in Matthew 7:12, “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”

 

Avoiding Toxic people

The paradox of community (as well as with many of our core relations) is that in order to have stronger, truly authentic bonds we find it is necessary to separate ourselves occasionally from specific people. The Bible lists several types of people who are toxic and should be avoided for our own spiritual health.

For example, Romans 16:17 says to avoid divisive people. I Cor 15:33 says bad company corrupts good character. The book of Proverbs has several people we are told to avoid, even drive away, such as fools and scoffers. Somewhere Jesus said something about shaking the dust off... So yes, we find a litany of certain quarrelsome, wicked, strifeful characters in Scripture of whom we are told to steer clear of -- but it’s not always easy defending yourself from hurtful people, especially when you lack cooperation from people who do not respect your stance.

For instance, I’m sure when I say we need distance from some within our circle of relationships, the question pops up, “But isn’t this judgmental, not allowing these people in our lives?” No, it’s not. Actually, it is being wise and obedient. Besides, judging is about assigning eternal punishment or reward, like determining where someone’s soul goes after death. But, when you see someone who is toxic, you aren’t judging their soul, you are making a judgment call about their constitution which is based on the fruit they bear. You can’t protect yourself or identify a wolf otherwise.

“Where is the grace in this?” is another perplexing question. Distributing grace never requires placing yourself in harms way to gratuitously allow evil to thrive. If someone is harming you, emotionally wounding you, shaming you, blaming you, bullying you, etc., you don’t have to be a doormat to practice the Christian faith. Like Eccl 3:5 clarifies, there is, “a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing...”

I’m a firm believer we should own our feelings. I also believe it’s fair to articulate your feelings. Expressing your feelings should never be mistaken for an entitlement to wound others around you. And, whenever you attempt to establish healthy boundaries, I promise you, you will meet resistance, often in the form of hurt feelings, brash feelings that will sting your ears.

You see, the problem with some people who take liberties with everyone else’s emotions, the “takers” want to control you, and when they can’t, like the old adage says, when they can’t control you they’ll try to control how others see you. They’ll demonize you and paint you out as the villain. Sadly, some people will push you too far, and when they see an “ugly side” to you, then they portray themselves as a victim to anyone who will listen.

Why is it that the bully gets more of an audience, why do people usually sympathize with the problem person instead of the mistreated one? Because after we take a stand for health and stability, it makes the rest of our circle uncomfortable, even nervous. Why? Because they feel weak for not calling out the problem themselves, and, if you can stand up to the buzzsaw-bulldozer-intimidator, you won’t have any problem defending yourself from them should they ever try to push you around. In other words, by your actions, you've shown a certain strength they are envious of.

Has someone unapologetically wronged you? Are you hurt, even mad? That’s understandable. Consider Eph 4:26, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,....” Do not allow the hurtful person to rob you of your sleep or to occupy too much space in your heart and mind or to tempt you to vengeance. Try to resolve your anger, pray for that person, and if and when they repent and become healthier, be open to possibly restoring the relationship -- if that is best. If they refuse to be rational, repent or grow, remember what Frost penned, “Good fences make good neighbors.”

You can only change yourself, you can’t change the toxic person and they might never decide to be a person who is able to enjoy a healthy relationship with you -- but that’s their choice. Moving forward with your life after you’ve been wounded, your relationship will look different, and it might not ever be the same. That’s okay. You can love and forgive people without opening yourself up to further pain or whatever mistreatment they might want to inflict on you.

Antisocial media

Certainly we are not the first generation of people to disagree with each other.  I'm sure we are not the first to have strong opinions, and we are not the first to stoop down to name-calling with those who hold different views.  But it does seem with the advent of social media, the ease in which we condescendingly attack other people and the aggressive way we attack them personally, not just their ideas/views, has exploded. 

What doesn't make sense to me, lately, is how we jump to character assassination these days.  The force of the vitriolic and bombastic language across social media between people who are basically the same in most ways, save their views on certain topics, is deeply disturbing. 

Sadly, Social media has become an Antisocial outlet for mean-spirited and hateful people. 

Basically, what we're becoming is a culture of super-critical people who hide behind our keyboards or smartphone screens, practicing emotional drive-by-shootings.  I have no idea what people think they are accomplishing when they slam other people so harshly on social media? 

If you disagree strongly with someone on politics, religion, or what-have you, insulting them and attempting to degrade them on social media doesn't actually address the subject you disagree on.  Instead, it makes you look insecure, highly negative, less credible, and rather immature.  Trying to get your point across doesn't have to be a competition of who whines & cries the loudest, or who has the best put-downs. 

I have no problem with dialog or debate, and I'm not even proposing that people can't voice disagreements on social media, I'm not the Facebook Police...  The only way we become certain of what we believe and the best way to learn, is to compare and contrast our ideas.  I can get along with people who hold different views and I try hard not to base my friendships or my civility on the opinions of other people.  We don't have to see everything the same or agree on everything, but we should learn to agree to disagree with a little less mudslinging and a lot more honor and integrity. 

Is there a Brain Drain in the churches of Christ and is it being led by ministers?

I want to start this post by sharing a screen shot of Rich Little's FB status, as a way to introduce my thoughts:

(Facebook post from Rich Little) 

If you pause to consider it, ministers are called to think, a lot.  We think about sermons we are writing, future classes we are preparing, personal studies with others, how to address challenges within our congregations, what to do when counseling people, etc. So, basically we should spend much of our workweek in thought.  What happens though, when a movement or denomination discourages their ministers from thinking, or from expanding their thinking?

When I was a Bible major at Harding, F. Lagard Smith’s book “Who is my Brother?” was hot off the press. It was also a time when some within our brotherhood wrestled with questions over our identity. Particularly, are we “evangelicals,” and if not, what are we? I also remember during this period Flavil Yeakley warning our class, unless trends in attendance improved, the church of Christ could be nearly nonexistent by the year 2020.

Along this same time, over hushed cups of coffee shared in closed quarters, preaching students and Bible professors discreetly talked about our longings to be able to think freely, to rethink some of our methods of Biblical interpretation, and how to implement change in church settings while remaining faithful to our heritage. But dim clouds hovered over us, for our concerns were not merely of being ostracized, but of being dismissed and becoming unemployable.

At this same time, several established and trustworthy leaders voiced concerns in the classroom and in chapel over a potential division brewing on the horizon: Would the controversies over women’s roles cause a great schism in the churches of Christ as we entered the 21st century? Some predicted a fourth branch of the Restoration Movement was imminent.

Meanwhile, a slow but budding exodus populated by people who weren’t worried about those questions would gain momentum. As ministers and then a new generation of believers, believers who grew up going to VBS, Winterfest, Bible camp, and Lads to Leaders & LTC gradually disengaged from their congregations. Yet, no one seemed alarmed.

The tension that we face over losing some of our best and brightest minds isn’t unique to us alone. Searching articles in the Washington Post, the Huffington post, and other major news outlets will reveal many articles which highlight the slow attrition of ministers and the siphoning off of the Millennial generation from churches in general. The Pew Forum on Religion & Public life, and the Barna Group have both shared startling statistics detailing the loss of faith many young people experience as well. What I think is missing from the analysis of this trend is the disillusionment people feel when they can’t be transparent or vulnerable with the people they break bread with and when “questions” are discouraged.

Young people today aren’t looking for laser light shows, lattes, or laid-back worship services, and, our preachers aren’t interested in these “church fads” either. Attempts at being “cool” will not recruit Millennials to our pews. This generation of young people in their 20’s & 30’s seek significance from their faith and the freedom grow intellectually and experientially. If they can’t find this freedom from within our heritage, they are going to continue to look elsewhere for substance-- far from what they perceive as closed-minded or sectarian churches.

For too long, we asked question about how to keep certain people happy, how to not rock the boat, and how to make sure no one was ever offended. Are we facing consequences for worrying more about not disrupting the way things have always been done than over worrying about being led by God? Our younger generation doesn’t see the relevance of fighting old battles which were initially proposed by people long dead, and our ministers are suffering burnout over fighting for ideas they don’t personally embrace. But I do not think all is lost.

Even though the vast majority of my college classmates have abandoned full time ministry, and I’ve seen countless young people walk away from church, I’m hopeful for our future when I see the lineups at events like the Tulsa Soul Winning Workshop and at some of our Bible lectureships. As we invite in solid intellectuals who are deep thinkers, like N.T. Wright and Scot McKnight, and as we host events where passionate speakers like Francis Chan and Bob Goff can speak to our people, I see hope for our ability to integrate into their ideas into our theological framework.

A recently released movie, “Concussion,” is based on the true story of NFL players who suffered major brain damage from multiple head traumas they received playing football. The tension in the plot is over the fact NFL leaders knew about the dangers to the players, but they were afraid to reveal the truth. Could someone write a script for our circumstance, “Concession?” If we continue to discourage our preachers from stretching the comfort zone of the congregations they serve, if we do not find resolution for the stereotypical confrontations between elderships and their preachers, and if we do not find ways to help our young people transition into adulthood with their faith in tact, Flavil Yeakley’s prediction might come true for the church of Christ.


End-note:

The above picture up top is a screenshot of Rich Little's Facebook post where he shared his exit from ministry.  I met Rich in the late '90s when the word on the street was he was being groomed to replace Dr. Burkes as the next president of Harding University; Rich was a student at Trinity and he was preaching at the Naperville church of Christ at that time.  After Rich defended his PhD., instead of returning to Harding as planned, the Naperville church brokered a deal with Harding to keep Rich on staff in Naperville, and then eventually Rich left Naperville and went to Malibu Ca.   I really don't know why he choose to leave vocational ministry, I would say though that his leaving ministry illustrates the struggle I'm describing well, that of thinking-intellectuals wrestling with finding a place in some of the churches of Christ.

Presently, I myself preach in a non-denominational church, New Song, and we are heavily influenced by the Restoration Movement.  I found salvation in a loving mainline church of Christ, actually the Naperville Church of Christ.  I have no ill-will towards the churches of Christ, and if the right fit were possible & if God someday led us in that direction, I would one day gladly preach in a church of Christ again.  I'm saddened that people with such great potential have these struggles, but I'm sure this isn't unique only to them.  I'm guessing many congregations of many stripes are suffering from this brain-drain too; I'm afraid these are simply the consequences and the fruition of sectarianism.