Selective “do you remember when…?”

 

You already know we form better bonds with friends, quality relationships that can be closer & stronger than with those we have with people who share our DNA, folks we pick up with where we left off with even after decades apart, people who feel closer to us than our own siblings.  People who welcome us, accept us, and authentically love us for who we are — yes it’s the heart of camaraderie that beats best.  What you might not have considered, is that even people who share our last name or who know us well won’t understand us in the way some-certain friends do. 

I’ll go even further, there are stories we are part of that many people will through no fault of their own misunderstand, they simply can’t comprehend us or where we are coming from.  You will enjoy sharing certain stories only with the people who were part of the experience or who have endured similar struggles.

Our “brothers in arms” can relate when our relatives can’t.   There is something hollow in the retelling of a personal story when your audience operates from an alien perspective.   Something feels lost in the translation. You will have a greater sense of satisfaction keeping your story to yourself when you feel prompted to share it with strangers you know, they being strangers to your circumstances that is.  If you tell someone about a situation and they have no actual context to draw from or connection to the situation, you as the storyteller will feel empty and let down afterwards.  

People who have never sailed out of sight of the visible shoreline will never appreciate the tragedy of being shipwrecked. It is self-delusional to assume that our story is interesting or entertaining to those without a proper point of reference. 

This is why it is more gratifying when we start out with “do you remember when…?” with old friends. Shared stories are more satisfying when we share them with the ones who were there.   Why?  Because the struggle of the situation formed them as well.   Similarly, if I share a tough time I went through in ministry with someone who has never been in ministry, they can’t connect with me, but if I’m sharing the same story with someone who has been in ministry elsewhere , they know what I’m talking about.   

Properly understood, “inside jokes” are not engineered to alienate outsiders, inside jokes align or of you will, realign old friendships, cementing the bonds.  These days I’m choosing to be more selective with “did I ever tell you about the time…?” and instead I’m cherishing the “do you remember the time…?”

We might not be able to understand or appreciate everyone else’s struggles and the stories they tell, but we can all relate to this passage, Proverbs 14:10, “The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy.”