Can you afford the high-price of fitting in? The real cost of peer pressure

Peer pressure. Remember how we used to warn our children about its dangers or how we’d scold them for caving to peer pressure? Just look at us now.

The ugly truth is, peer pressure is pervasive. Actually, most churches aren’t free from its entanglements either. For example, while churches certainly depend on your generosity, passing an offering plate during the worship service sure feels like peer pressure. This is benign compared to what else is going on these days.

Consider the depths to which peer pressure has influenced us over the past few years: Which comedians you can/cannot laugh at. Which musicians you can/cannot listen to. Which actors and actresses are/are not acceptable. Which candidate you should/shouldn’t vote for. Which scientists you can/cannot challenge/question.

We are seeing too many people stigmatized simply because they disagree with whatever is culturally acceptable for the day, while others who are grasping for power are forbidding discussions over several vital contemporary topics. If this goes on much further, I literally see book burnings in our future.

The problem with caving to peer pressure is that we begin to parrot positions we actually distrust or disagree with. Like the old saying, “All it takes for evil to win is for good people to do nothing,” we find ourselves complicit in perpetuating deception. We are allowing dishonesty to rule the day if we comply with positions we never actually agreed with. This seems to break one of the Ten Commandments, something about “Thou shalt not lie ...”

Truth, facts, rational/logical thinking, these all go by the wayside whenever we allow peer pressure and groupthink to rule over us. We are allowing the loudest voices to steamroll over our better judgments. Somehow, a minority has been allowed to amplify their message, and in order to experience unity or gain acceptance, many of us have complied with ideas that deep down inside we disagree with.

Why? Many of us are scared. We are afraid to offend. We are afraid of conflict. We are afraid to rock the boat. Most of all, we fear retribution. This isn’t how we were meant to live.

We are to live courageously. “Do not fear” is the most repeated phrase in the Bible — it’s recorded at least 365 times in Scripture. How does peer pressure work? Mainly though fear. Fear of being left out. Fear of humiliation. Fear of rejection. Therefore, whenever fear is the driving factor, as believers we ought to be suspicious, take notice, and be cautious. This is especially true when fear is what’s driving the peer pressure itself.

It is unhealthy to shame and bully people into submission. Guilt, shame and embarrassment are horrible motivators. Action based on the goal of avoiding the judgmental misgivings of others is what textbook manipulation looks like, but that’s how peer pressure operates.

What is on the line, presently? For starters we are in danger of arrested development — no one grows or matures in an echo chamber. Also, many of our freedoms — the freedom of expression, the freedom to choose for ourselves and our freedom to express our individual identities — are all at risk.

Worst of all, we are at risk of losing our integrity.

Dear friends, we serve a mighty God. Let us start this New Year with integrity and may we live courageously.

  Published in the Kingsport Times-News: https://www.timesnews.net/news/faith/peer-pressure-is-pervasive-even-in-churches/article_89816122-5916-11ec-8dc2-1bc4e50fadcd.html

When we are hurt by the church

 

For everyone who has ever been disappointed by, discouraged or disillusioned by church, I am sorry you were wounded by the very people who were supposed to represent Jesus. It is shameful and unacceptable. There are no excuses for churches hurting those entrusted to their care. Hang with me for a moment while I unpack the ugly side of church, but there is hope.

Here’s the sad reality: Evil gravitates toward good like a cancer latching onto its host. Churches can attract people to leadership positions who want to exercise power and control over other people, and typically these power-hungry people are individuals who feel absolutely powerless at home or at work. They line up to join church committees, they love long unproductive meetings, they become territorial, and they enjoy issuing orders for which they will neither commit to helping with nor funding themselves personally. These types of people have missed the value of transformation — they only know how to tally up “nickels and noses,” i.e., when it comes to “church” the contribution and attendance are all they care about.

Because of these power brokers, pastors and congregants alike have left their churches in droves — this possibly includes you as well. Statistics show that many ministers suffer intense burnout rates, and the average preacher will spend more time earning their seminary degrees than they ever will serving in church. Many, actually most, teenagers will become collateral damage, themselves fleeing from church as adults after a lifetime of listening to their grumbling parents struggle with the volunteer leaders in their local church. And, as you may have noticed, countless churches are closing their doors, shuttering their windows, and simply vanishing.

Why shouldn’t we simply give up on the idea of church, since there are so many problems within her walls? Not to mention, it seems like “celebrity pastors” are falling like dominoes to one scandal or another all too often. Why? Because the church isn’t limited by “four walls,” and it doesn’t have to be run like a business, driven by a consumer mentality, or feel like a major theater production.

Churches can focus on serving Jesus, and caring for His flock. When you get away from the bright stage lights and “organized Christianity” and attempt to follow the Bible instead of Robert’s Rule of Order, church becomes more organic, more wholesome. It becomes real. Will you still have problems? Certainly, since none of us are perfect, but considering the alternatives it’s worth it.

There will always be parasitical, argumentative, hypocritical powermongers attempting to leech off of the goodwill of believers, which neither nullifies the work Jesus sets before us nor does it excuse us from serving.

You can find a church (or plant one) that is focused on transforming lives through the power of the Cross, the moving of the Spirit, and through the enrichment of the Scriptures.

There are loving and welcoming, non-judgmental, life-changing churches focused on changing lives. They might not have a steeple on their roof. In fact they might not even have a building to their name to put a steeple on, but they have what matters — the heart of Jesus.

Originally published in the Kingsport Timesnews:

https://www.timesnews.net/news/faith/why-you-shouldnt-give-up-on-church/article_9ed03c8a-4307-11ec-936b-b33f3bfce420.html

Why it's best to just speak your mind

 

One of the biggest paradoxes ever is the excitement of the holidays along with the sadness that accompanies the holidays. The holidays can be joyful and festive, but this season can also be rough on all of us. Some of us will go to the cemetery and sweep leaves off of our loved ones’ headstones, wishing we had one more day to spend with them.

Maybe we will look around the table during this holiday season, missing loved ones who have moved away, passed away, or who simply have decided to stay away.

Seemingly, to make it rougher during the holidays, they say that we shouldn’t talk about “religion or politics” when we gather together to celebrate. If you can’t talk about subjects you’re faithful to or passionate about with people who share the same last name as you, perhaps these relationships were too fragile in the first place.

If you have to pretend you are something you are not to maintain any relationship, then I doubt there is much of a relationship worth maintaining. I am not advocating “stirring the pot” or purposely riling people up just to be irritating. I am saying, it’s time to be yourself.

So, to be clear, the holidays can be a gloomy time and yes family gatherings are ripe for conflict — but who wants to walk on eggshells their entire life?

Now is the season to celebrate faith and family, but if you can’t express yourself freely, within reason, you’ll not only resent your family, you’ll despise yourself for being a phony.

The same can be said of your relationships at church or work.

It’s a lose-lose situation to pretend to be someone who you are not. Biting your tongue only serves to suppress what you really think, believe or stand for. When you go against yourself long enough, you slowly erode your soul.

When we pretend to be someone we aren’t to simply gain the acceptance of others, they aren’t really accepting a true version of us. So we not only deceive those around us, we senselessly censor and suppress ourselves. This isn’t healthy. The end result is, not only won’t we like those we are trying to impress, we will eventually hate ourselves for carrying on the charade.

Jesus says in John, Chapter 8 that the devil is the father of lies. Why would we want to perpetuate a false persona to those around us? That’s the biggest lie ever told!

So perhaps the best gift that you can give yourself this holiday season is the permission to be yourself. It’s honest and true, and it’s the best you that you have to offer.

Therefore, when you get together with your family and friends, talk about politics, talk about religion, share your true opinions on whatever subject comes up — don’t let anyone bully you or shame you into silence.

This holiday season, as you reminisce with your loved ones make sure you are there with them fully, but make sure it is actually the real you who is present. Not half of you, not part of you, not a fake version of what you think they want to see so they can accept you — be the real you. The reality is, if you can’t be true to yourself, you can’t be true to others.

Of course, you can already guess what the flip side of this coin is, can’t you? The same grace you hope to receive from those around you so that you can truly be yourself, you’ll need to extend to those around the table as well.

Originally published in the Kingsport TimesNews:

https://www.timesnews.net/news/faith/its-time-to-be-yourself/article_8db9df74-2a92-11ec-bdf7-bf3ee684f91c.html

The Solutions to your problems

Have you been dissatisfied with how your church has handled a particular problem or problem person, wondering to yourself why church politics failed to fix our problems? It’s because Satan is busier in the church boardroom than he is in the barroom.

I frequently hear from different people about the problems in their churches or from others about the problems with how poorly the city and county handle their responsibilities. My questions then become, how can you contribute to solving this problem you’re so troubled about, what’s the best solution, and how will you help out? Because if you’re passionate about a problem you see, it’s better to work toward being part of the solution than it is to gripe about it.

If you are waiting for your church leaders or your local politicians to make bad situations better, I feel sorry for you. Most of the people we are waiting for to make the desired improvements are more concerned with their position/office and with preserving their organization/institution than they are with whatever problems you worry about. If you are disappointed with the state of affairs you see, you probably have misplaced your faith and trust. I hate to break it to you, but most decisions are not made in “formal” meetings. They are decided in the “informal” meetings out in the parking lot before the meeting even happens.

What are some positive steps you can take toward resolving problems? You can draft up a plan, offer resources, put in the effort, and volunteer to work on it. This is as true for your church as it is for your city.

If you are upset with your neighborhood, ask a police officer what you can do to help make a difference and how you can make our city a better place. Or take a drive out to the old Sam’s Club and volunteer at the Second Harvest Food Bank. Or go talk to a school principal and offer to help tutor at-risk kids. There’s no lack of opportunities for you to make a positive difference.

Do you know what the difference is between being frustrated about a problem and simply grumbling about it? Most people like to criticize and fault-find a lot more than they like participating in the solution.

For example, it’s easy to sit in your armchair and take a potshot at the potholes on our roads, though you never hear a follow- up from those critics on how to best repair our roads. It’s the same thing when your church isn’t “growing.”

You don’t have to be special or smart to point out problems. Thanks to Facebook, we no longer have to submit a “letter to the editor” to air our contempt. It’s easy to hide bravely behind our keyboards and smartphones and lambaste those “in charge.” Social media has emboldened us, but the fact is, truly courageous people don’t have the time to be critical of others because they are too busy making a difference.

If you think you’re too weak and powerless to make a difference, then you see yourself as a victim. And let me tell you what, the world will eat you alive — in that case you’re better off keeping your opinion to yourself if you don’t think you can help fix it. All you are doing at that point is wasting a lot of emotional energy, and no one likes sour grapes. Like the old impolite saying goes, “put up or shut up...”

Maybe the deeper problem is we as people are addicted to complaining. Complaining isn’t a spiritual gift, it isn’t a sign of compassion, and it doesn’t indicate you care. Complaining all the time is evidence of a critical heart. Fault-finding is straight-up hypocrisy. It’s not insightful or profound to point out what’s wrong with the world without participating in the solution.

What if we as believers hounded lost souls about their need for Jesus with half as much zeal as we pestered people about COVID, masks and vaccines — whichever side of that debate you landed on. If your concern is legitimate, do something more productive than complaining. If God lays a burden on your heart, it’s not for the purpose of whining about it. Whether it’s the poor condition of our roads, the homeless, COVID, racism, inequality, drugs — whatever it is, no one wants to hear what the problem is without hearing your solutions. In other words: What are you doing to fix the problems besides complaining, worrying or blaming?

Watch your words and compliment more than you complain. Then and only then will people listen and begin to take you more seriously. Don’t complain about City Hall until you hitch up and haul your fair share of the burdens in our community.

Don’t wait around for your church leaders or your politicians to fix the problems that trouble you most. Take responsibility, roll up your sleeves and get to work — you’ll never need permission to do the right thing.

Originally published on Oct 15th 2021 in the Kingsport TimesNews:

https://www.timesnews.net/news/faith/stop-complaining-and-be-part-of-the-solution/article_b0edcef6-1700-11ec-a74f-9fd25d8fd231.html

Forgetting the forgotten no more

 

Today evoked an unexpected emotional experience for me as we pumped concrete for a bus driver, who happens to also be the Principal at his school.  By the way, his wife also drives a school bus on a different route, and she is the Science teacher at another rural school.  

I wonder why we never hear about servant-hearted people like this on CNN or Fox News?  After all, who would care about a family of educators in rural Southeast Kentucky, instead, the region is most likely thought of as the armpit of America by the TV elites, and simply forgotten about by most of us.  After today though, it will be a long time before I forget about this forgotten region again.  

To get to Lynch Kentucky, we crossed Black Mountain, at just over 4000 feet above sea level, it's the highest point in the state.  The deep forests and towering mountains enshrine the region like a fortress, keeping outsiders out, and insiders in.  The terrain was beyond rugged.  My picture of the sunrise does not do proper justice to the majestic beauty of the area.  The drive up and over the mountain was hair-raising at times.  Razor sharp switchbacks, sheer cliffs and straight drop-offs, the road was nothing short of the stuff legends are made of.  

The road going into Harlan County is so curvy, and the terrain so steep, it takes about a half an hour to go ten miles.  The rugged landscape is breathtaking, it's truly awe inspiring.  

I suppose today evoked so many emotions for me, not simply because I read Hillbilly Elegy, or before that, Night Comes to the Cumberlands, but because my family actually comes from this impoverished region.  My dad left Southeast Kentucky back in the early 60's with the largest migration of Americans in US history as many folks from the Appalachian area moved to the Great Lakes in hopes of escaping their bitter existence, looking for a better life.  I'm not sure if I'm supposed to feel gratitude or guilt about this.  

So today, I witnessed Lynch KY, a weary and worn-down town, buried and hidden within a wonderful wilderness.  Forgotten by most of America, forsaken and abandoned by the rest.  The lure of steady income from the coal giants having dried up mostly, it's only a shell of what it was 100 years ago.  Harlan County is ripe with rare beauty, a place resting in times gone by, quiet and tranquil.  Sadly, with no industry or any chance of a future for this or the next generation, it seems like intergenerational-welfare is the only hope for most of the folks around.   

The juxtaposition of the amazing views, the splendor of one of the most beautiful places on earth, the towering mountains capped with rich forests all being witnessed in real-time, contrasted to the hopelessness stemming from such extreme poverty and the bleak future for the folks there was deeply moving.  I left asking myself, what are the invisible chains shackling the people there?  Is it simply "acceptance" at their plight?  Are they victims of their circumstances?  What can be done to reinvigorate the region?  Clearly, coal wasn't the only precious resource extracted from there, something intangible has been taken as well.  Also, though, from the people I met today, I see there are people who stick around these dying towns not because they are stuck, they stay because they can make a difference, and they care. 

If you've never heard this song, you need to click on this link below :

You'll never leave Harlan Alive 

Truth about God: Book Review

At one time, it probably seemed like most of your family and everyone around you from your next-door neighbors to the mailman to the lunch lady knew and believed in God. Lately, it seems like less and less people are committed to a local church, and even less seem to be interested in a personal relationship with Jesus.

What complicates this bleak situation even further is the fact that people who resist committing to church/Jesus have begun to ask some fairly sophisticated questions — they raise serious objections to following Jesus, and many of us feel stumped, stumbling around searching for satisfactory answers.

In other words, it’s gotten harder to share our beliefs with the world around us. There are multiple challenges to sharing and defending our faith these days, and it only seems like our job is going to get harder as time goes on.


People frequently ask me for resources they can read up on to sharpen their understanding of difficult topics and hone their evangelistic skills. I’ll point you to a valuable resource with a powerful framework that helps us understand some of the contemporary threats to the Christian faith, a book that helps you comprehend the modern world, and will help you to communicate the timeless truths of Scripture.

Here’s one of the most helpful resources I can recommend to you if you are interested in defending your Christian faith and if you need some encouragement to be more evangelistic.

Richard Knopp’s “Truth About God: What We Can Know and How Can We Know It” is a book that draws on Scripture, history, tradition, ration/reason and experience, and it is full of useful information.


This book is appealing because it is very compact, and it’s written clearly and concisely. It addresses many of the concerns of doubters, skeptics and unbelievers that you might interact with. It is an exciting read that is insightful, helpful and thought provoking.

Knopp provides useful terminology. He unpacks philosophical terminology in plain, easily understandable language, offering wise direction couched in solid principles.

It’s rare to find such a book that not only addresses current challenges but is written with a respectable/considerate tone, and presents powerful propositions about an engaging topic: God. What the title promises, the book delivers on. It is written with intellectual integrity, and it’s reinforced with reflective discussion questions at the conclusion of each chapter, so you could read this alone or with your small group.

If we plan to fulfill the Great Commission, we need to take our own personal study seriously. Knopp’s book has many practical approaches that can be utilized by everyone, and it doesn’t require a graduate degree to understand it.

Apologetics, the defense of the Christian faith, isn’t an esoteric art reserved for an elite guild of cloistered monks — it’s part and parcel of experiencing Jesus as His disciples. This book instills confidence as it equips, educates and inspires.

I truly believe it can help you too, and I hope you’ll consider adding it to your personal library at home.

Originally published here: 

https://www.timesnews.net/news/faith/truth-about-god-is-a-valuable-resource/article_69cbe3e0-0103-11ec-9c42-db908737de5e.html

What does your marriage need to thrive?

Sadly, it seems like too many people married the wrong spouse. They act like they wish they had picked someone else or they make a mistake with someone they aren’t married to and they have to live with those painful consequences for the rest of their lives. Why are there so many unhappy married couples? It’s because, in a small sense, some married people tend to forget that healthy relationships are nurtured much like tending livestock.

My folks raised cattle on their small farm, deep down in the Ozarks. They mostly had black Angus, usually no more than 25 at a time, and while I can’t remember a single one of them, my dad had one animal I’ll never forget — he was a beautiful beast, a massive red Limousin bull. The only problem with this bull was, when he wanted to visit another herd, he just reared up in the air on his hind legs, placed his front hooves on the gate, pushed his 2,500 pounds forward, and off he went.

Typically, after the bull spent a few days in some other field, a local farmer (with his own herd of cows) would then call my dad and say, “Come and get your bull, he’s done making his rounds here ...” You see, once that Limousin bull realized he could leave whenever he pleased, no fence could ever hold him after that.

American farmers and ranchers have always struggled with corralling their livestock. It’s hard to keep your livestock on your property without a good stockade, unless you skip the fences like they do in other parts of the world. In other regions, they have found out what works better than building strong fences that eventually fail — they simply dig better wells.

It’s a simple solution to an age-old problem: Provide your livestock with their needs in an arid and desolate land, and they stick around the farm — cattle, horses or sheep won’t wander far from their feed and water in the wilderness. The same principle applies to our most intimate relationships.

What Paul says about maintaining a healthy sex life in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 has broader applications as well, “3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” In other words, provide each other’s mutual needs at home so your spouse won’t feel the need to stray from your farm.

If you aren’t providing for your spouse’s relationship needs, they will find their needs met elsewhere, and that’s when people experience hell on earth. All of the great marriages that you see share this common truth — spouses who strive to meet each other’s needs enjoy marriages that thrive. Whenever any marriage feels like it’s withering on the vine, someone in the relationship isn’t meeting their significant other’s needs.

You can’t keep your spouse cooped up, so make it so they don’t feel neglected and want to leave to have their needs met elsewhere. Or as my cousin, a Vietnam vet with a few Purple Hearts, likes to say about his marital relationship, “This dog don’t stray, because she (pointing to his wife) keeps him well-fed.”

Originally published here: Timesnews faith column