Mutuality makes the marriage

 

In one of his best known songs, Elvis sang, “We’re caught in a trap, and I can’t walk out.”  If you’re stuck in a miserable marriage, maybe you are missing out on the miracle of mutuality.  Mature marriages make room for intimacy, encouragement, and celebrating each other’s victories — they also know about the secrets of grace & mercy, therefore the more mutuality you experience, the more enjoyable your marriage becomes.  

Mutuality is actually a Biblical concept.  Paul wrote in I Cor 7:3-4, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.  For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”  And Paul also wrote in I Cor 11:11, “Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman...” 

My wife has an almost instinctive capability to encourage me in my pursuits.  She knows I enjoy writing, for example, and whenever I have a new piece published she instantly shares it on social media and she brags on me, she hugs me and tells me how happy she is for me.  I try to reciprocate, but honestly she outdoes me at every turn.  It’s a gift and she shares it without measure.  

I like to joke and tell her I’m her trophy husband or her eye-candy whenever we have an event we attend with her work; she’s a grant-chair for a local charitable foundation and I’m proud of the work she does.  But, I fuss and pout like an adolescent when I have to “dress up” for those events which I always enjoy -- I get to meet interesting people and whenever there’s food involved it’s always amazing!  

Even though I throw a fit about dressing up, I’m 100% there for my wife and we have a great time.  In fact we pretty much have a great time together whether it’s a night of rubbing shoulders or running errands. Why? Because we enjoy our time together and we want to see each other win.  

It’s not just about you, we all owe it to our children and grandchildren to have the best marriages we possibly can.  Why?  When adults bicker and feud all the time and fail to model mutuality for their children, they set the next generation up for failure and present them with difficult challenges for bonding.  It cannot be overemphasized enough the importance of a strong marriage for building confidence and security in future generations.  

Sometimes we lead best by example.  When was the last time you complimented your spouse, supported them, or bragged on them to others?   The good news is if you’ve lost those traits in your marriage, it is your choice to renew or reverse or revitalize or do whatever you need to do to improve the relationship.  Otherwise, if you’ve lost all of your optimism, what’s the point?  

We have found in over 35 years of marriage that being there for each other and being best friends makes all the difference in the world.  We support each other in our work, our dreams, and our personal goals -- we actually enjoy cooking together, traveling together, and living life together.  Mutuality is the magic ingredient of marriage, I know firsthand and I hope the same for you too.  

Blowout to burgers: merging several loves

Early one morning on the way to pump concrete I had a blowout on the pump, the durable trailer tire is rated for 10,000 pounds and when I pulled over to look, the remaining tire looked like a shredded sunflower hanging on the rim.

More challenges immediately followed.  I had to drop the pump and run home to grab the spare, when I got back, I tried to start the pump so I could lower its outriggers to raise up the rear to change the flat.  My battery was dead on the pump.  I pulled the truck around to the pump to jump start the pump, either my cables were bad or the truck battery wasn't strong enough to start the pump.

I called the contractor I was pumping for, explained through my embarrassment the situation and asked if his crew could try with their work truck to jump the pump.  They drove from the jobsite to me quickly.  

A momentary victory was short-lived.  We succeeded in jumping our pump with their truck, changed the flat, but then on the way to their job the pump died again.  I apologized once more, pushed back concrete at the plant once again, and ran to the parts-store for a new battery, which was out of stock.  

I went to the next parts-store, who had our battery, and when it came time to remove the old battery, we couldn't budge it.  I called our salesman who talked me through it, it required loosing the cold air return lines, which I didn't tighten the rubber boots back properly after we reinstalled the battery and each time the pump switched strokes the return lines on the diesel motor whistled loudly.  I texted the mechanic at the pump factory in California and asked him about the whistling, he texted "That is bad, you have to fix that immediately!"  I wiggled the rubber boot that goes on the metal pipe of the cold air return and readjusted the clamps and solved that dilemma.  

Of course at this point, it had to rain  We were pumping three sets of footers on the same street on adjoining lots.  When I say rain, I don't mean sprinkle.  It was a deluge.

  In my haste to get loaded up and strap down the hoses, I forgot to pick up the wooden blocks I set under the outriggers, these blocks we have had on the truck since our second job, I know it sounds silly to be attached to theses scrap 4x4 blocks, but they held a special memory too, I salvaged those blocks the day we pumped the wrong mix and it took two hours to prime out and another 7 hours to beat out the plugged up hoses.  Lessons were learned that day!

I decided quickly that I would not waste the challenging experience of the day I had a major blowout.  You've heard the old saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."  When a concrete pumper has a major blowout that ruins the rim, instead of lemons to lemonade, I say "Blowouts to burgers!"  

This project is meaningful to me because it brings several of my loves together, woven like a quilt, first, the spare parts for making this grill are from the pump, namely the bent rim but the post for this grill is an old reducer.  For those who don't pump, the reducer attaches to the outlet on the pump where the concrete initially is discharged from the pump.    Concrete is what I set the grill in, in the backyard.

So far pumping and concrete, two of my great loves have been involved in creating a grill, and of course grilling is one of my loves, and then another love of mine is welding.  I took four years of welding in high school and had ambitions of welding as a career in my teens.

I can’t think of anything more rewarding than to recreate creatively taking ruin, salvaging the chaos and then utilize and cause something useful and productive from a discouraging situation.  I love this homemade grill that transformed an experience of being stranded to solving the solution of when we are starving!

A new addition to the homemade grill, a concrete table:

Star Spangled Success story

 

Here's a powerful story of overcoming the odds.  Two brothers who were orphaned when their parents overdosed, their grandfather took them in but he soon passed away, their high school teacher took custody, they have build a successful business from the ground up, there is a lot packed into this story:

Click here to read the full article

Violence is always the answer

It comes as no surprise that sometimes tragedies bring out the worst in us.  Take for example the attempt on Trump's life this weekend.  It is impossible to ignore the event, yet for many it is too tempting not to capitalize on the crisis.  Both sides of the spectrum have their spin, but come Monday everyone will head to work and life will go on as normal.

When a 20 year old civilian from the Midwest can reach out and touch one of the most powerful and highly protected people on the planet, how should we all respond?  It should be shocking, not politized.  We should recognize the vulnerability of human life, and we should morn the loss of the innocent bystanders, but we certainly should not celebrate this inexcusable act.  

We are so used to division in our nation that it seems appropriate take sides over this.  What we should ask is why would anyone feel so much hatred and feel so powerless that they could stoop to a cowardly attack like this?  We as humans do this because violence comes natural and it is easy.  

We have since the time of Cain and Able resorted to violence to solve our problems, it seems like violence is always the answer to our problems.  Look at road rage, bar brawls, or any altercation, it is the lazy to handle your problems, it takes very little skill or knowledge or effort.  

Mankind takes the path of least resistance, so violence comes as no surprise.  Solving our differences and resolving our conflict takes effort and creativity.  Most people have little energy or creativity when it comes to resolving their differences.  

It is always easier to demonize your adversary than it is to listen to what they really have to say.  It is easier to bicker with your rivals and defend your position than it is to try to understand or consider the validity of your opponent.  Until we value other people more than we treasure being right, we will argue, and arguing eventually escalates, sometimes even to extreme measures. 

The problem isn't the violence, that is a symptom of the problem.  More so is the fact that we are ignoring our inability to unite despite our differences.  We have lost our ability to disagree without being angry.  We have forgotten the art of public discourse and civil debate.  We have become a combative and argumentative society.  Until, if it is even possible to, until we learn how to settle our differences, we will always resort to violence in our efforts to settle the score.   

Dumb things we do

Jesus wasn’t crucified debating the age of the earth, but surprisingly this has become the hill to die on for some. If our goal is to persuade people to accept the validity of the Bible and believe in Jesus, I’m unconvinced that arguing about the age of the earth is productive -- we need to ask ourselves, do we want to lead people to Jesus or do we want to drive them away?

The argument over the age of the earth is pointless, in fact it is counterproductive to stubbornly insist we know better. We risk too much credibility when we stake our identity on asserting a definitive date and we ruin our reputation by trying to manipulate this inconsequential topic into something spiritual.

The Bible is inerrant and trustworthy. It has insights on nature, weather, nautical patterns, agriculture, ancient geography, and astronomy, yet the Bible is not a science textbook — therefore when we demand people agree to a specific age of the earth (which is immaterial to salvation) we do not draw people to the cross, we drive them away.

We need to remember the Bible is an inspired book, mainly about theology and worship. The Old Testament foretold, but withheld a specific date for “when” the Messiah would arrive. The New Testament predicts Jesus will return, without offering the exact date of “when.” A similar consideration is applicable regarding our opinion on the age of the universe.

Skeptics are right to dismiss us as anti-intellectuals when we misuse the Bible to make the case the universe is around 10,000 years old. The argument that the earth is only between 6000-10,000 years old seems disingenuous to me, I doubt our true motives; instead of proving the earth is young what we are really attempting to say is, “See, the earth is too young for evolution to be true.” Ouch.

Science isn’t the enemy of faith, agreeing the earth could be older isn’t heretical, instead believers become the enemy of faith when we make unsubstantiated conjectures about irrelevant topics that the Bible is silent on. It’s possible to disprove Darwinism, we don’t need to concern ourselves with guesstimating the irrelevant age of the world to address misguided and flawed evolutionary theories.

Instead of speculating on the age of the earth we should be asking non-believers, “Why is there a universe rather than nothing?” Why did life randomly “appear” and where are the supposed transitional fossils bridging the species?

We could also ask, why is DNA so complex and deeply encrypted with information, it obviously required intelligence in its design. We could also ask, why do we possess an overabundance of imagination & intelligence? Comprehending trigonometry or quantum physics doesn’t help us gather food, reproduce, or avoid the saber-tooth tiger. Our breadth of brainpower is unnecessary in the race for survival of the fittest.

Who really cares how old the universe is -- it’s not an ethical, moral, or legal matter and we are not defending the integrity of the Bible when we argue for something the Bible is silent on. That there is a universe which began with all the laws of physics instantaneously in place reveals a conscious choice was made to begin the cosmos, requiring a Creator.

Jesus seemed indifferent to the age of the world, nor did He compel us to debate it, instead He asked that we help Him save it. Arguing about the age of rocks doesn’t draw people to the Rock Of Ages.

Our visit to Normandy beaches: 80th anniversary of the D-Day landings

Tomorrow marks the 80th Anniversary of D Day.  I feel extremely fortunate and blessed because Tammy and I along with a couple of friends recently visited the D Day site in Normandy (we went to two of the beaches, Omaha and Utah a couple of weeks ago).  I can imagine military veterans would appreciate the gravity of Normandy much more than I as a civilian who has never served.  Still, the entire unique experience was more moving than I anticipated.  

I'll share a few pictures below and a couple of impressions I had.  I do not pretend to have any profound insights, I can only say the entire experience was personally moving for me.  

(notice the manikin of Private John Steele hanging from the roof of the church) 

Before we went to the actual beaches, we visited the church in Sainte-Mère-Église.  I would draw your attention to the stained glass images in the church.  There are inlays with paratroopers and images you wouldn't expect in a church.  The people of the town were and are still very grateful for the sacrifices our American soldiers paid for their liberation. 

The land for the cemetery was given over as sovereign American soil by the French and there are over 9000 soldiers buried there.  The grounds are manicured more immaculately than any country club golf course and the atmosphere offers more tranquility than any park.    

(The ceiling of the cemetery chapel in Normandy) 

(The monument atop of the cliff Army Ranger climbed to oust German cannons at POINTE-DU-HOC)

(You can see the preparations behind us on the beach for the 80th)

The trip to the beaches and the cemetery was greatly enhanced by our tour guide, a college history professor, if you ever get to go, I recommend you go with a guide.  I had unexpected reactions at Normandy.  At the cemetery I felt unworthy of all the peace and comforts I often take for granted and with more emotions than I anticipated and I cried as I looked over the perfectly aligned military headstones of the beautifully manicured cemetery.  On the beaches, I felt cowardly, doubting I could have had the depth of bravery our soldiers had to have to storm the beaches being fired upon the way they were.  

All the cliches like freedom isn't free or the land of the free because of the brave never crossed my mind while we were at Normandy.  Instead the landscape felt sacred, to me the space was almost holy, the carnage and destruction and the loss of life wasn't lost on me, all I can say with certainty was the experience was life-changing but only because of the magnitude of it all, seeing it firsthand and not through a movie or a book.  I feel I'm patriotic but I also realize there are truer patriots buried there.  

As a child I grew up watching WWII movies on WGN channel 9 in the Chicagoland area, and I realize most of the Hollywood influences on my childhood allowed me to romanticize Normandy, I have a better perspective and a deeper appreciation of the significance of the event today.  In the end, it is a very spiritual experience to walk those beaches and to stroll through the cemetery, and it is a memory I will always cherish and one I pray that as I reflect on it it helps me to appreciate more of this life God which has blessed me with, and that I appreciate the lives lost by those who willingly faced down tremendous evil.    

Critical Christians just leave the judging to Jesus

 

Whenever I find myself being critical of someone over an extended period of time it robs me of my ability to be introspective and in turn I forfeit a lot of personal peace.  Ignoring the dangers of being judgmental is risky, it can cripple our character. 

Why is it almost second nature for us to be judgmental?  For whatever reason, it is easier to obsess about the flaws in others than it is to acknowledge our own & to see ourselves as the hero while we tend to be more critical of people around us.  Judging is easy, unconsciously easy.  

The major difference between maturity and immaturity is the ability to see clearly.  Seeing ourselves and others realistically is hard, which is why so few people do.  

How do we accurately assess ourselves?  Asking for feedback from others is intimidating and it can make us defensive, but it’s hard to grow on our own.  Either way, focusing on the mistakes of others won’t build your character or develop your personality.  

Anyone can complain, it takes someone special who is proficient at recognizing their own weaknesses and isn’t troubled by the achievements and the strengths of others.  The need to feel confident is not wrong, as long as confidence isn’t confused with superiority.  

Instead of looking at others, look to others.  Find areas where you can improve, and allow others to influence you where they are stronger, anything less is hypocritical. 

Matthew 7:1-5, “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

We probably tend to see the petty flaws in others because it helps us to deflect the attention away from our need for growth. Focusing on their flaws isn’t the best way to develop oneself.  

Instead of shamefully pretending we have it all figured out and seeing other people as the villain when we are unhappy, look inward.  The less genuine we are, the less satisfied we are — the more we complain the more miserable we become.  Maybe this is why joy is so elusive.  

Somewhere between lying to yourself about how great you are and beating yourself up over your imperfections you can find peace.  It can be hard to be honest with yourself, but the happiest people seem to know that they aren’t perfect but they aren’t wretched either.  

Our challenge isn’t aging gracefully, keeping our mind intact, or being productive. Our challenge and task is to quit looking at everyone else’s mistakes, accept responsibility for our own, and offer the same grace to others that we would like to receive ourselves.