How to Stop School shootings

Shame on us all for risking the wellbeing of our school aged children, essentially our society has done nothing to protect them. We can’t hide behind our good intentions or political platitudes -- as the old saying goes, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

Should we arm all of the school teachers or disarm our citizens? Neither extreme would work.

The despicable politicizing of mass shootings by both liberals and conservatives is beyond counterproductive, it is repugnant. Seemingly, Gun control is the quintessential Lightning-Rod topic of our age, but sadly while we were championing our positions on gun control we all have perpetually failed to protect our children.

We need more compassion and less condemnation from each other when we are on opposite sides of gun control debates. Is it plausible to think we can alleviate our suffering? Not if we keep fighting each other (left vs right, conservative vs liberal) instead of addressing the actual problem.

We all need to ask: What if gun laws aren’t enough to stem the horrific monstrosity of slaughtering school children? Our children deserve to live secure lives without the fear of being killed in class. While we all agree the safety of our youth is vital, sadly because we are so polarized we refuse to agree on how to keep our children safe.

The missing piece from our not so nuanced National conversation is the fact that slaughtering anyone is a matter of the heart, not of the courthouse. Would you kill children if it were legalized -- of course not, therefore you know in your heart of hearts killing children is not simply a matter of legality.

On a mission trip in the 1990’s my wife and I noticed an absence of garbage cans on the city streets of London. When I asked why there were no garbage cans I was told that the IRA placed bombs in the cans. Maybe you remember the Boston Marathon bombing of 2013, when the bombers used a crockpot or a pressure cooker to construct/conceal their bomb.

Can you imagine a world without a pocket knife of your choice? Today in London it’s illegal to carry a pocket knife over 3 inches long, all locking blades are all illegal, and absolutely no fixed blades are allowed because determined evil people have slashed their way through crowded spaces aiming to kill as many Westerners as possible.

People with the intent to destroy large numbers of others will poison, blow up, bludgeon, stab, derail trains, they will do whatever it takes to wreak havoc. Regulating sane people will not stop insane people from attacking innocent bystanders -- any monster can weaponize a minivan and mow down pedestrians, anywhere anytime.

We have hundreds of mass-shootings every year and there are people who should never own a gun, that is a fact. It’s also factual that sane, upstanding, law-abiding citizens are not responsible for the violent acts of sociopaths.

Sane people do not go around killing innocent people, only sociopathic monsters do. School shootings, church shootings, shootings in shopping malls, theaters, shootings anywhere are driven by deranged people and I’ll add, demonic forces too. Consider I JN 5:19, “We know that we are from God, and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one.”

Heaven help us on the day we are persuaded politicians have penned laws that will penetrate the hearts of people. Even ardent atheists will acknowledge, it’s nearly impossible to legislate morality. Laws don’t protect people any more than locking your front door does to keep out burglars.

Once we realize that the killing of other people is a spiritual problem and a mental health issue and not a legal problem, maybe then we can focus on possible solutions to stem the bloodshed. Capitol Hill will never provide the solution for mass murders -- a solution to our national crisis will only be a result of purposefully keeping our children secure.

Our too frequent inexcusable school shootings are a spiritual matter -- the sooner society sees school shootings as spiritual issues the sooner safety solutions may surface. As long as we treat slaughtering children merely as a crime issue that laws could regulate instead of seeing the taking of life as a spiritual problem and start treating life as sacred, we will keep losing precious lives to evil people.

It’s tough to legislate morality but since it’s easier to argue about unenforceable laws than it is to change the hearts of people, we keep on wasting time arguing. We have a killing problem on this planet and in our country not a method problem; take away all the guns and evil people will resort to some other method, as the old saying goes, “If you outlaw guns, then only the outlaws will have guns.” Guns are a smokescreen, they aren’t the problem -- we the people are.

My opinion is simple: Restricting rational people will never deter deranged people from harming us. Crazed, evil, malicious people will stop at nothing from harming others once they have decided to. Lawless, demonic, sociopaths will not be swayed by any laws. We need to stop pointing fingers, quit blaming each other, and acknowledge a painful reality: When our children are in danger, no one in society is safe.

Originally published in the Times News 4/28/23 

 

Finally feasted on my dream dish

If you know me, you know how much I love food, grilling, cooking, eating, I love food.  I've read Hemingway's memoir "Movable feast" at least two times, and parts of the book caught my attention and stirred within me a dull curiosity about French cuisine.  But, instead of EH, it was Bourdain who started me off on a French themed quest that would take years to find its destination.  

Thanks to Bourdain, for several years now I have wanted to try a French fare called foie gras. As a foodie, it became my Holy Grail. When I stumbled across foie gras for the very first time in the writings of Anthony Bourdain I assumed it was some type of collard greens from the name/spelling of it. 

So, I googled it.  It's not a green.  

Foie gras, pronounced “fuwa gra” is typically goose liver though duck is used too.  The only restaurants to serve this dish to my knowledge are French.   Therefore when Tammy and I were planning a visit with good friends near a French restaurant, we made reservations at the Maison Blanche

I made the reservations two weeks beforehand.  To say I was anxiously anticipating our meal would be an understatement. I love liver sausage, liverwurst, beef liver, chicken liver, so I knew that the fattened goose liver had to be great as well.  But, could it turn out like Turkish delight?

I remember reading in “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” where C. S. Lewis wrote about Turkish delight, and it was supposed to be so good when the White witch offers it to Edmund, it’s irresistible. Well, when Tammy and I visited England, that wasn’t my experience with Turkish delight at all. 

I’m not embarrassed, I’ll admit it, foie gras became an obsession for me, it became my ambrosia.  I talked about it often, I asked questions of those who were familiar with it, and eagerly sought it out.  For years.  

The big night finally came, but the Maison Blanche (White mansion in French) wasn’t much to look at from the street. In fact, it is adjoining a lackluster looking hotel. Once you enter, there’s an absence of artwork, windows, or any attractive décor. There are white curtains from floor to ceiling throughout. You can’t see into the kitchen. The hostess station looked more like one for a hair salon than a restaurant.  The tables were slightly smaller than I expected. 

Your elementary school teacher was right, don’t ever judge a book by its cover.  Clearly the chef wants no distractions from the real reason you come to his restaurant, you are there for the gourmet food, not the decorations.  

The entire evening at the Maison Blanche was amazing, absolutely exceeding my expectations.  Each course was excellent. We all enjoyed our food, and yes, the foie gras which is served as an appetizer was beyond delicious.  

Tasting the foie gras for the first time was to me like a combination of one's first flight in a jet and watching a sunset over the south rim of the Grand Canyon.  To say it was nearly a mystical experience for me personally wouldn't be an exaggeration.  

The portion was not much more than a morsel, yet it had more flavor packed in it than an entire slab of meat.  The chef drizzled a flavorful reduction sauce on the liver, and the liver was resting on a bed of risotto.  

The delicate, tender, and flavorful liver was nut-brown on the outside, the inside held a pale tone that was as soft in color as it was in texture while the outer part had a wonderful firm pleasurable texture from being seared.  The inside was nearly moist, much more fragile and frail than the exterior.  

Unlike what you might expect from liver there was no bitterness nor strong scent at all, it tasted fantastic, slightly buttery, deeply flavorful.  It was extremely delicious and eating it was the most delightful meal I've ever experienced at the table.  

I had never eaten French food or even been in a French restaurant before, I didn't really know what to expect.  Maison Blanche exposed me to a standard of service like I've never experienced in my entire life.  I have never been so well attended to. The silverware was small but the superb service wasn't. 

I will say this: A night out at the Maison Blanche isn't one you do alone.  It's best experienced with good friends and loved ones.  Like most of the best times in life, it's better when you share those special experiences together. 

A final word on foie gras, I'm slowly building up the courage to one day prepare foie gras myself.  I've reached out to a culinary friend for advice on where to get it, and how to cook it --actually, I reached out to him before we ate at Maison Blanche.  I'm quite sure there will be pictures to follow when that day comes, but until then I'll relish this memory.  

Yes, a night like that is pricey.  Without hesitation I would do it again, Lord willing we will next time we are in town.  Tammy and I enjoy gathering fresh and memorable experiences more so than accumulating possessions.  

We are taking a philosophy or approach to living that memories fill our life better than gathering that which would clutter.  While we never stop improving our home and creating a space we don't need a vacation from, as the saying goes, lately in this phase of life we are enjoying traveling and sharing good meals together more than pursuing collections. 

Food, fun, fellowship, and time with people who love you for who you are, I highly recommend it.  

What I've learned over the last 36 years of April Fools' days

 

           (My 19th birthday, Tammy's treat at Benihanas, and the oldest picture of us that I know of)

I suppose it sounds a bit like cosmic comedy to say you met your spouse for the first time on April Fools' day, but 36 years ago on this day today I met the love of my life Tammy.  April 1st, 1987 I was hanging out with Pete Tunk, a friend since kindergarten and still is to this day, and that night he invited Tammy and friend over to hang out with us. 

Tammy had on a black shirt, khaki colored pants, and her radiant red hair was up in a ponytail, an image forever woven into my favorite memories.  The rest is, as they say, history.

That night, staring at Tammy I was mesmerized, enchanted, captivated, I was in love, and I knew she was the one, that she was going to be my future wife and barley over a year later she became my bride. So yes there is a "love at first sight" that lasts.  

Together we have brought children into this world, seen parents leave this world, and we have built a life together that is beyond blessed.  We've lived in different towns and states over the last three-plus decades, and no matter the distances we've traveled from our hometowns, we've only grown closer over the years  

We have an enduring love, a relationship that works, and we are happy together.  It's no cliché, we are actually best friends.

It sounds amazing, but true love grows closer over the years, I love Tammy more and more as each day goes by, as each month ends, as the years continue and as one decade blurs into the next.  I can't see myself ever not as a couple, never as just Craig, it will always be "Craig & Tammy"  or "Tammy and Craig"  but it never be just me.

What I've learned after all these years is that for love to work, yes God has to be at the center.  No surprise there.  We don't rush each other, we don't bully or pressure each other, we know how to cooperate.  We know how to be mutually supportive and work together.

Tammy has at every step of the way supported me.  Whether it was going back to school, being in ministry or starting our business, she has never doubted me or my abilities.  When I need time to write, she protects that time for me, and she is my greatest encourager.  She sees the best in me, even when I can't see it.  Especially when I can't.

We never talk poorly of each other to our friends, even on those days if we disagree.  We work through our problems.  We know how to argue without being combative.  We know how to complement and compliment each other.  We've learned the art of healthy relationships and how to be a buffer or to be buffered.  How & why?  Because we've made a choice to be there for each other and we know a solid relationship is worth it.

You can choose to love your spouse and to make their world a little better on a daily basis.  It is more rewarding to build your spouse up than to tear them down, or worse yet to simply ignore them or their needs.  Lots of love, lots of intimacy, lots of kind words, lots of affirmation builds for an exciting and enduring love-life.  

What else can I say?  Prioritize your spouse.  Support your spouse.  Encourage your spouse.  See the potential in your spouse.  Nurture your relationship, spend time together, learn to be less selfish and more thoughtful.  It's worth it.

So, after 36 years of knowing Tammy I have learned that life with your best friend is the best type of life.  I've learned that couples can thrive together through the ups & downs of life.  I've learned that "Till death do we part" is more than possible, it is paradise here on earth.  

When to burn the ships or our bridges...

 

What’s the difference between burning ships or burning bridges? Understanding the difference not only is a sign of maturity, it defines the health of your relationships.

In A.D. 1519, Cortez was concerned his crew could find the New World too difficult, possibly becoming so overwhelmed they might mutiny. So upon landing he burned 10 of his 11 ships, saving one to send gold back to the monarchy — a shrewd sign of dedication and commitment. Further back, the ancient Roman armies were the first ones to burn bridges in combat — cutting off their enemies, preventing their past problems from pestering their future.

These days, metaphorically, burning our ships is about destroying whatever prevents us from progressing. Burning our bridges is about distancing ourselves from whoever threatens us with regressing. When it comes to conflict, which one is best?

Regardless if you are arguing for a raise at work or embroiled in a custody battle with your ex, it is as difficult for the “other side” to see your side as it is for you to see theirs. Perhaps this is why arguing our sides is ineffective. We think that logic and reason will prevail, but many disagreements are emotionally charged, and the truth rarely matters in an argument. Too often we value being right more than we do the relationship.

Honestly, who is unbiased and able to see both sides of any argument? For example, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” (Proverbs 18:2)

When it becomes too heated, our temper gets the best of us. In the heat of the moment we immaturely say things in anger, burning our bridges. “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.” (Proverbs 15:18)

Often it’s better to control our tongue instead. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) So know when to take a break from talking. “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.” (Proverbs 17:14)

When we are entangled in a heated argument, sometimes it’s best to not argue but to patiently trust that the consequences will prove our side is correct. Arguing in a healthy way requires that we listen as much or more so than we speak. “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15)

Therefore, self-control is our most effective, productive and powerful tool when it comes to having a healthy argument. “Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” (Proverbs 16:32)

Too often we are afraid to let go of what’s personally holding us back and we hesitate to make healthy changes and burn our ships. Instead we are too quick to burn bridges with people we might need to reconnect with in the future. Next time you find yourself in a disagreement, keep this in mind: “Scoffers set a city aflame, but the wise turn away wrath. If a wise man has an argument with a fool, the fool only rages and laughs, and there is no quiet.” (Proverbs 29:8-9)

Click here: Published first in the Timesnew 3/3/23

Motivating yourself to Work

 If you don't ever catch yourself ever thinking, "I can't believe they're really paying me to do this" or if on occasion you don't feel guilty for getting paid to do your job, you're probably in the wrong line of work.  You should work in a field that you believe in, that gives you purpose, and that you find meaning in beyond the money, otherwise search elsewhere for "gainful employment."  

I'm getting pretty tired of hearing toxic platitudes about doing the least you can at work, like, "Normalize doing the bare minimum at work" or "Beware of working too hard, they punish the performers by giving them more of a work load."  If you love your vocation, you will devote yourself to it regardless of what your co-workers do or don't do -- if you don't love it, you'll end being miserable no matter how well you are compensated or how little effort you or anyone else puts in.

Poor management and overbearing leadership are not excuses for you to do less while you're on the clock.  In fact, doing less and whining about work equally brings down morale.  

I'm a capitalist, I do not think either socialism or communism works, so do not misunderstand me but you should work with all of your heart when you are on the job without thinking about the money.  Yes, yes, yes we should be compensated well for our efforts, but expending our energy and putting in our time has to be about more than the money or the boss or the coworkers or the clients or the customers, it should be about the fact that our vocation is what gets our feet out of the bed in the morning and we can't fall asleep the night before because we are so excited about our work.

Your vocation/occupation should thrill you and excite you to the point that even when you are vacation you look forward to getting back to work.  If your work doesn't captivate your heart & soul to the point you are almost consumed by it, you are missing out in life.  Think about it, we spend most of our adult life working, so it only makes sense to find a job we love.  

If your work doesn't motivate you based on its own merits, please find something more fulfilling, for yourself and those around you.  If you do a job you hate and it's making you miserable, you'll never be happy on your off hours.  Find work you enjoy and life becomes more enjoyable.  

 

Suicidal? you're never alone

I know this time of year isn't easy for many people.  If you are, and this isn't to be morbid, feeling less than positive about life, please know you are never alone.  Never.  

I felt like this was a good time to share my personal struggles again, not that I'm sad or struggling today.  But it came to my attention that it might be helpful to be vulnerable and share what goes on in my own mind.

Recently I had a conversation with a good friend I've known since grade-school, this friend confessed their dark struggles and thought I couldn't possible understand.  I shared how periodically there are times I ask Tammy to hide my guns for a while.  

My friend said they had no idea about my own dark struggles, after all it seems like I have "it all together."  I do have a great marriage.  We have great friends who love us.  We live in a beautiful home.   We are doing good.  We have a successful business.  I preach in a loving church.  On the outside my life looks pretty good, and it truly is.  I'm extremally blessed, far beyond what I deserve.  

That doesn't change what goes on, on the inside.  There really is no rhyme or reason, no tangible triggers to depression and suicidal thoughts, at least in my experience.   

My friend who shared they were hurting asked me to promise that before I doing anything permanently fatal that I reach out them and talk.  I promised I would.  It's comforting to know others also grapple or battle with similar demons, and they care enough to say, "hey let me know before you do anything..." 

I don't have any answers or solutions to the problem of suicide.  Yet, for those who like me who walk a fine line between this life and the next, I really just wanted to encourage you, you really aren't alone in the struggle.  There are more people who understand your struggle than perhaps you know.  You aren't alone. 

 https://youtu.be/D9F244ztjxA (this is a song I resonate with when life seems bleaker than I'd like)  

Why are we so different than our families?

 

John Hurley and Ronnie Wilkins wrote a popular song about (what is perhaps the greatest church cliché ever), a wild preacher’s son. After Aretha Franklin originally turned it down, Dusty Springfield was the first artist to record it. Growing up as a preacher’s daughter, Franklin thought the song was disrespectful. After “Son of a Preacher Man” became a huge hit Franklin released her own version. The rest is, as they say, history.

Politics aside, a question we rarely ask is why do children often grow up to be completely different than their parents? Instead we are more interested in a corollary question: Why do people growing up in the same home with the same parents, in the same neighborhood, attending the same primary schools, receiving the same ethical instructions and values, turn out to be very different adults?

How can the same household simultaneously produce an atheist, an agnostic and a believer? What causes family members living under the same roof their entire childhood to grow up to be police officers, others pastors, while some end up as prison inmates? Why do some children grow up to be pacifists while their siblings retire from the armed forces? How can the same family produce a scholar and then a salesman, with an artistic child seated at the table with their analytic sibling?

Why, for example, did my wife and I get married as teenagers, but my only sibling, my older brother, wait until he was 33 to get married? How is it, of our four sons, one was completely disinterested in college, two started but left, and only one son graduated?

Can you think of anything more puzzling in this life than the question of sibling diversity? This question is probably as old as Cain and Abel. It seems like a combination of nature and nurture must play a role in developing our individualism. After all, it is within our human nature to seek out our independence and a desire to create our own unique identity. It also seems like the harder children are forced into a certain mold, the more they rebel against their parents.

What shapes our disposition and character more than our upbringing? Yet, children with the same upbringing are so different, what accounts for these changes?

Hopefully with a few years under their belt, parents adapt their parenting styles and gain better parenting skills. So yes, we parent our children differently over our years of parenting. Also as the years pass, different siblings in any given family are also exposed to a variety of cultural influences, a multitude of opportunities, and unexpected choices.

Then again, there is a lot of unanticipated envy and resentment when our children perceive favoritism among their siblings. Children can rebel out of spite, feeling their siblings were pampered while they themselves were overly punished. Other children happen to fall in with the wrong crowd.

Some are rescued by a godsend of a spouse.

Other than our parents, our friend circles are probably the strongest influence on our personal development. Consider Paul’s powerful warning in I Corinthians 15:33, “Do not be deceived, bad company corrupts good character/morals.” Yes birds of a feather do flock together.

The reality is, there are no carbon copies when it comes to our children — the same home that raised an addict can turn out doctors or school teachers. Also, there is no such thing as a foolproof formula for child rearing. We need to tread cautiously when we try to encourage other frustrated parents with the old “Train up a child in the way they should go...” phrase. Proverbs 22:6 isn’t a guarantee that if we parent properly our children will make all the best choices in life. Proverbs 22:6 is a principle for parenting, not a promise of perfection.

Life is unpredictable. Perhaps there is no satisfactory answer as to why one child grows up to be cowardly while the other is courageous or why one child is an athlete and the other is a bookworm. But I’m not sure the deepest mystery of the universe is “why” do our children grow up to be so different, compared to a much greater mystery to me. Namely, why does God give us free will in the first place?

Originally published here: https://www.timesnews.net/living/features/craig-cottongim-why-are-siblings-so-different/article_a2cc657e-770f-11ed-b4d9-43ba86d2d2f5.html?fbclid=IwAR3tQ1xdUwadnFoTiax828i6fsbIHnPEjhQ-oMgIc0kuZUvrHyh0SJhHah8