Frenemies

One of my favorite lines from Bob Seger's song "Against the Wind" is when he sings, "The years rolled slowly past, And I found myself alone, Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends, I found myself further and further from my home, and I Guess I lost my way..." Sadly in life, posers parade as your friend, but they are not.

As a parent and now a grandparent, there's not much more that can break your heart than seeing your child/grandchild struggle to have genuine friends. The older I get, the tighter my circle gets, and the less tolerance I have for frenemies.

How do we know who our "real" friends are? It's amazing that you could spend decades thinking your friendship was real, but with some shallow people they are more shadow than substance.

Frenemies base the strength of their fragile relationships on the depth of how well you agree with them, they are unable to form relationships with people who think differently than they do, your opinion easily offends them when it contradicts their views on any subject, politics, religion or what have you.  Real friends on the other hand, value the benefit of dialogue and appreciate sharing differing views, consider Prov 27:17 for example, "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."  

Sometimes it's easier to spot fake friends than true ones. One red flag is when a “friend” talks condescendingly to you about a mutual friend you have in common. Remember, people who gossip to you will gossip about you. They are incapable of being vulnerable with you. They are more interested in digging into your family & work problems than divulging any personal dirt on themselves; they themselves are always guarded about their own personal life, but they are eager to hear your problems, pretending they care about you but really they have ulterior motives.  Since they can't control you, they want to control how others see you.  

Some people are great at asking for favors, but somehow they struggle to express their appreciation.  It almost makes you feel like you’re being used, well, because you are.  They use you to feel better about themselves, it is a one sided relationship based on their terms. They almost treat their relationships like a rivalry or competition, not to mention the relationships of shallow people are always transactional.

Keep an eye out and pay attention to the folks who will either distance themselves or draw closer to you whenever you improve yourself personally or your circumstances. The folks who withdraw from you when you grow are envious and they can't celebrate your victories, the ones who can celebrate with you are free of jealousy and are genuinely happy for you.

Beyond all what sounds like a lot of gloom & doom here, there’s actually some good that comes from realizing not everyone who acts like they’re your friend isn’t. The best friendships are the ones that stand the test of time, you always pick up right where you left off, there's a mutual respect and appreciation for each other, and a genuine depth of joy whenever either of you does well in life and a shoulder to lean on when life doesn't.

We will be like the people we surround ourselves with, so being selective is important, like Paul wrote in I Cor 15:33, "Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”  The more you surround yourself with people who can cheer you on and rejoice when you achieve your goals, who can sincerely be empathic in tough times, and who can lightheartedly banter with you over the trivial things in life, the more satisfactory relationships you will enjoy.

What you need to know Before you express your appreciation during Pastor's appreciation month:

 

This is pastor appreciation month and I am treated better than I deserve; I feel blessed to be part of a church that loves my family and encourages us, so no sour grapes here from me! I can’t complain about the church we minister with — instead I simply want to lift the curtain and allow you a sneak peek into a world you think you know but you really don’t.

Certainly every profession has its challenges that most outsiders, through no fault of their own, fail to comprehend. Nurses carry heavy workloads enduring long hours and often are unfairly pitted between patients and doctors. School administrators learn early on you will never please everyone. Police officers, often disrespected and challenged by the public they serve and protect, risk their lives to maintain law and order. Serving others is uniquely difficult and feels thankless at times.

Until you have entrusted your livelihood into the hands of volunteers who feel they hold a lot of sway over how you spend your money, where you live, what you drive, how you dress, what you can and cannot say, same for the movies you watch, not to mention decisions they want to make for your whole family, you will never know the stress and the anxiety of many pastors. Pocket-watchers are always curious wondering what pastors do all day -- they wouldn’t know how our time is spent because few pastors will toot their own horn.

Regardless of the size of the congregation, most pastors wake up thinking about their churches, and throughout the day are in prayer for their congregations, emailing or texting with or talking on the phone or in person, and this goes on until they hit their pillow, every single day of every week. This has nothing to do with the multitude of other responsibilities like writing bulletin articles, sermon preparations, organizing events, being a liaison with the community, or recruiting people to serve.

We are available and on call 24/7/365, we never shut our phones off in case of a crisis, we come home early from vacations and miss family meals often. We do not have regular hours, there can be a death, an ER visit to attend to, an emergency counseling session, or an impromptu Bible study -- all scheduling can go out the window without a moment’s notice.

As rewarding as ministry is, there are significant sacrifices and struggles within the home of pastors that many church members take for granted and are unaware of. We don’t clock out at the end of the day and disconnect from work. We don’t have a switch to flip or a conveyor belt to unplug. Our work goes everywhere we go.

Pastoral families forfeit much of their privacy. The pastor’s personal life is made more public than perhaps in any other profession, the church knows your income, your phone number, and much more than church-member’s co-workers know about each other. Often pastor’s children unfairly grow up in a fishbowl, those same kids who are criticized & judged for being wild at times because just like the old saying, “the cobbler’s kids go barefoot.”

Where do pastors find new ideas or the time to prepare “interesting” lessons that captivate everyone’s attention and apply to the whole age-range of the congregation, or even plan out a future sermon series? It’s hard to pump water from an empty well, yet there is precious little extra time to fill your mind and remain creative in this fast paced world. The demands of ministry can drain you spirituality, mentally, and emotionally, yet Sunday rolls around every week and the pulpit won’t wait.

There’s an insecurity many pastors hide deep within, worried they can fulfill their calling. Who could imagine they could stand in the gap between this world and the next, between the temporary and the eternal, and make a difference in the lives of people who treat church attendance as if it were optional?

Not feeling well? Beautiful weather and a good day to hit the lake? Long week and you want to catch up on your sleep Sunday morning? Pastors do not enjoy the luxury of skipping church on a whim.

The pressures real and perceived to deliver relevant, timely, and interesting messages over and over again, carrying the concern of your flock’s souls, worries about lost folks, dealing with antagonism & conflict, managing multiple expectations, planning worship services, balancing other responsibilities, these all can overwhelm anyone soon enough. Few people knock on the pastor’s door asking how they can help, they knock on the door and ask you for more -- if you wonder about pastoral burnout, you don’t have to ask if it’s real.

Ministry truly is a labor of love; it’s complex, demanding, draining, demoralizing at times, yet it’s wonderfully fulfilling and rewarding. Sadly not every pastorate is as wonderful as our family’s experience is these days, but now that you have a better glimpse into pastoral life, hopefully you will feel sincere in showing your pastors you appreciate them. Too many pastors only hear from those who express their disappointments, so if you have a pastor please prioritize telling them how much you appreciate all they and their family do.