Talking about the taboo topic the church is silent on: Suicide

I didn’t sulk under my own broom tree until my late-30’s, the idea of taking my own life hadn’t ever occurred to me before then -- life gets hard when some of the people you minister to work against you. It wasn’t that I was ignorant regarding the topic, when I was in the 5th grade a neighbor-dad left his car running in the garage with the door closed, a casualty of a painful divorce.

I think suicide is like the Covid-19, in that we are tired of hearing about both; we’ve become callous and numb to the topics. I felt led to address suicide here, earlier this month, the day I heard about the news of  Darrin Patrick's suicide -- I cried and spent the rest of that day in a funk, emotionally drained. Even though we are victors in Christ and God will ultimately win the war, we don’t win every battle. Darrin is another tragic example of pastors who end their own life.

There are countless celebrities who have done so too, and don’t forget our military veterans either. We have numerous suicide attempts daily -- the next time you scour the obits, read between the lines, you’ll see local people who succeed as well. By the way, the patriarch of Kingsport George Eastman himself ended his own life.

And while it’s not healthy to obsess over suicide, it’s not healthy to ignore it either. Worst of all, churches are mostly silent on the topic -- when was the last time your church offered a sermon or seminar about it? It’s sad that shows on Netflix like “13 Reasons” or “After Life” can be more open about a disturbing subject than we are.

Suicide might seem strange to you, it’s counter-intuitive to most people, I think about doing it myself from time to time. At times life can feel pointless, the pressure to succeed in ministry is always there, and sadness and despair can descend like a stormcloud -- but there are a thousand tentacles and webs that keep me from the brink of oblivion. I think about how it would affect my wife, children and grandchildren, and the handful of reasons I have for ending this life seem different then.

People who think about killing themselves aren’t being morbid or romanticizing the great beyond, they simply find it hard to go on living, whether it is pain, pressure, feelings of failure, regrets, chemical imbalances, debt, or conflict. My mom was rather melancholy, and we have a loved one who battles depression, so perhaps the darkness I periodically struggle with is genetic. No matter what the reasons may be, if suicide is foreign to you, you probably don’t understand the shame and guilt people who consider suicide carry with them either.

When it comes to finding help in our region, it is a hell-hole for people who struggle with opioid addiction, meth, or mental health. For all that is good here, we have pitiful resources in our region for people who are overwhelmed and stressed out. You’ll wait several months for an evaluation or to get in to see a qualified professional here. That needs to change!

Nationwide suicide rates have been rising dramatically for years now, and with the massive unemployment our country is presently experiencing decimating our economy, experts tell us we can expect a spike in suicide. Maybe you’ll never understand something that seems so irrational, but hopefully you’ll be empathetic and thoughtful, considerate of those who do struggle with this. I believe Jesus would want us to restrict our judgment and release a little more grace when it comes to a taboo topic, because really, people who think about killing themselves need a safe place and safe people to talk to.

When you or a loved one is hospitalized:

A couple of days ago I was in the driveway talking “over the fence” with our next door neighbor. He’s trained as a medical professional, and myself being in ministry, we naturally discussed the current state of hospitalizations. We were talking about the complexity of navigating the medical world when a loved one is hospitalized -- we agreed, it isn’t easy for the average person who has no real experience in the otherworldly space of organized hospitals.

Presently, most everyone is thinking about their health or the well-being of their families. There's a good possibility you or yours will need to visit a hospital in your lifetime. Are you prepared?

After decades of being in ministry, my wife and I have made countless visits to the bedside of hospital patients. Our family has learned a few valuable lessons over the years about interacting in the strange world of hospitals. I’d like to pass on a few ideas that might be helpful as you or your loved ones face the intimidating prospect of staying in the hospital.

Discover the names of those in charge like the head nurse at the nurse’s station, the hospitalist, and any attending physicians. Any of their phone numbers you can acquire, add them to your phone’s contacts ASAP. Also, find out which pharmacy your medical staff has the best working relationship with. I find that our “mom & pop’s” pharmacies work harder for local people than anyone else, and perhaps your doctors share this belief.

Keep a notebook by the hospital bedside. Have family members take turns keeping notes so that there’s always someone in the room. Ask the names of nurses and doctors who check in, ask the medicines that they administer and the amounts, then record the time & dates. It doesn’t matter whether you recognize the medicines or if you can even pronounce the words. This small step helps the medical professionals stay on their toes, they will double check their work, and it reminds them you care too.

You’d be surprised at how many people who need a knee replacement wake up to find out the wrong knee was operated on. Don’t be bashful, remind your medical team what you are in need of or why. You have to advocate for your loved ones, or in some cases yourself. Most nurses and doctors are caring people, otherwise they wouldn’t be the medical field in the first place. But. There is a lot of “compassion fatigue” they have to overcome and deal with. Never forget they are by and large on your side, but they are overwhelmed with too many cases and they work long hours. A little reminder or some extra gentle nudging on your part might go further than you realize.

Ask for prayers. Yes our health is personal, but the prayers of the righteous are effective. When you are sick it feels natural to pull away, but this is a time when you need your faith community more than ever.

Most people have no idea how long it takes to be processed, to get a room, or even what it means to be discharged when your time is over -- it often takes a few hours to be released once you are discharged. Being patient as a patient is extremely difficult. Bring books, magazines, crosswords, or other items to help pass the time. I’ve found some people enjoy listening to music while they recuperate but most hospital rooms aren’t equipped with radios, so download an app on your phone.

There are times when you or a loved one simply will not recover, and the next move is hospice. As fatal as this sounds, this is a time when you really need someone to talk to. There are hospice chaplains as well as nurses, ask them how hospice works, what your role is, and what you should expect. No, things won’t just fall into place and it often won’t make sense, this is why you need to ask how it works from those who have dedicated their lives to hospice.

In the end, when it comes to navigating the medical world, having a good attitude is one of your best tools. Yes this crisis might be the biggest challenge you or your family has ever faced, and yes we have incredible technology and advanced medicines, but nothing can compete with matters of the heart. Write this verse on a sticky note and post in your room next time you or a loved one is in need, and reflect on it often, “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” (Prov 17:22)

May God renew your hope and may He bless you with healing whenever dark days descend on you or your loved ones. May God bless you with peace of mind, and may His Spirit bring you comfort always.

How is the Coronavirus impacting Christian Communion:

Are you missing the communion Table yet? I guess it depends on the frequency you celebrate communion in your church.  For us, we normally share the bread & cup weekly. 

You might miss communion, also, based on how you practice it.  One of our members bakes the bread fresh, each week.  I feel a little spoiled just thinking about how good we have it in our church...  We don't "pass the plate" where we worship either.  We have a table in the rear of the room in which we gather, and we walk back to the table to celebrate communion together.  We have some people who quietly stay in their seat and reflect, we have others who walk around and talk with others, others will hug or laugh together, basically we experience a lot of freedom in how we practice communion. 

BTW: Even though we are streaming our sermons live on Facebook each Sunday for the time being, I will say, how we share communion at New Song is what makes our experience on Sundays unique and memorable. 

In my over two and half decades of practicing Christianity, thanks to the coronavirus, this is the longest I've gone without participating in communion.  Which leads me to point out, if your tradition or heritage practices weekly communion, but you are sheltering in place, what should you do about taking communion? 

The simple answer is, follow your conscience, which hopefully is being led by the Spirit.  Whatever you decide, it shouldn't be led by guilt, shame, or fear. 

I believe that communion, celebrating the Body & the Blood of Jesus is best shared in a community setting.  I think we have to have a community present to share communion, kind of like how you can't baptize yourself.  I don't think experiencing the Table is the same if you are alone.  I would say it would be like ordering your steak to go, but with all of the restaurants being closed these days and only offering take out... 

The legalistic voice in our heads might claim you "have" to observe communion no matter what, but is that really the heart of the matter?  If communion is about unity, about communing, about being the Body, then wouldn't that require a gathering of believers? 

But what if I'm "stuck" at home with my family, isn't that enough?  Sure, it certainly is, and I wouldn't take away from the value of a family devotional time.  I would ask though, are we taking communion in that context to follow the "letter of the Law" more so than taking it to celebrate the idea of community? 

I personally feel like when we travel out of town as a family and we aren't able to attend a church worship service, it feels more like legalism than Christianity to get some crackers and grape juice and "have" communion.  I feel the same way about our present "sheltering in place" situation.  Therefore, I'm waiting until we are back together as a church until I take communion.   

You'll have to make your own call, and I'm sure you will do what you think is right.  I do not think how you handle this temporary situation is a salvational issue, but I do think there are a lot of people who usually take communion weekly who are grieving over this issue.  I hope these rambling thoughts I've shared here are somewhat helpful.  I think we can all agree, when the virus clears up and we all are able to gather again, the next time we share communion, it will be special and very much appreciated. 

How casinos are a sure bet for your church!

Please tell me you aren’t one of those Christians protesting the incoming casinos like some sort of fundamentalist? Quit sulking and wake up; you'd have to be crazy to reject venturing on these casinos. Now that they are fortuitously proposing a casino near the Pinnacle, as well as in the old Bristol mall, it almost feels like an old TV commercial, “But wait, there's more! Order now and you get two for the low cost of...” 

What could possibly go wrong? After all, who’s to say gambling is a sin? You can’t point to a book chapter and verse in the Bible that says, “Thou shalt not gamble...” And it’s not like some of you don’t buy and sell stocks or invest your money in an IRA... retirement is a real crapshoot if you ask me! Let’s not be too hypocritical -- let’s stop and speculate the golden opportunity these casinos will bring all the churches in our community.

I’d wager this might be the best opportunity in a century for our churches to serve the Tri Cities. Why? Think about how many dads will blow their entire paycheck, bankrupting their households. Think of the chance for your benevolence team to pony up here since mom won’t have grocery money or rent money now that dad hits the casino every payday. Talk about an exciting time for church-goers to be living in, seeing family after family in our community devastated and ravaged by the lure of easy money, only to see their finances ruined.

Quick thought: Perhaps your church can raffle off seats for your next financial seminar? Talk about our good fortune -- may Dave Ramsey save us all!

After dad destroys the family finances, you know mom & dad will need some marriage counseling. Think how your once idle pastoral staff can get in on the action now! Of course counselling won’t fix their problems, and they will more than likely divorce, but that’s okay, because now your youth ministry can be there for Johnny and Sally as they spiral into a deep depression because their folks split up. I really hope those kids don’t self-medicate or play Russian-Roulette because of this dark horse!

Man, can it get any better? You bet it can (as long as your good tithers don’t get cold feet and move away)! I know it feels like winning the lottery being the “chosen” site for this, but as the studies show every casino brings in a certain element to the community they infiltrate: The underbelly of the crime-world.

Forget hating the scumbags that run the “legal” title loan industry you love to loathe, save your judgement for the true sinners because we’ll get some real loan sharks in the hood now! Talk about a golden opportunity for your church to serve this community, once the criminal community moves in like the mafia descending on little Italy, your police will be overwhelmed trying to keep up with their new challenges: More prostitution, car-thefts, break-ins, and if we are lucky, maybe the news can finally show us some good old fashioned gangland shootings too.

If you play your cards right, hopefully your Pastor can do a “ride-along” with the deputies and just think of the sermon illustrations he’ll generate for Sunday morning! No more boring sermons here, thank the Lord for the end of sleepy-sermon time! I wonder if the pastor will make a cameo on “Southern Justice” once the TV networks realize they aren’t done here yet?

By the way, it’s not too late to set up a support group for the bail-bondsmen in your churches who will be working overtime now. Also, make sure the youth pastor draws the short straw and is the one setting up the chairs for dad’s Gambling Anonymous meeting that loiters here, I mean gathers here, later on this week.

The odds are in our favor that we’ll never need to search for opportunities to serve the community again. Talk about a trifecta, I’d venture the Gospel will become front and center in our crime-ridden, decimated family-unit, poverty-stricken region once the casinos bleed us dry. Let’s welcome and embrace the chance to get into the action and let our light shine in what’s a sure bet to become an even darker time. This is the chance you’ve waited for, though your foreign mission committee might be at risk because of the fires you're putting out in your own backyard, but don’t sweat it, that’s the price we pay to ante up in our community. Once you run the numbers, you’ll see these casinos are heaven-sent -- you can stake your church’s future on it.

Why Asking for & Giving grace more is truly influential

There's an overlooked element to grace, i.e., "what is the goal" of grace. There's more to grace than we give it credit for. Before I share the goal of grace, let's state the obvious: No one is perfect; we all make mistakes, we all frustrate others. 

In that moment when someone points out our need for improvement, have you ever stopped and asked, "Why can't people just give me a little more grace?" It seems like some people will never be satisfied and it feels like they will never accept us for who we are. But, would they be doing us any favors if they treated us the way we wanted to be treated by asking them to turn a blind eye to our faults? 

No one should ever belittle us, demean us, put us down, or humiliate us.  If we aren't careful though, we lie to ourselves and twist every negative sounding comment we hear about ourselves into something it isn't.  That's not very inspirational, it's not even spiritual.

Yes it feels discouraging when someone expresses their disappointment in any of our patterns, it's almost insulting, but is this their fault or is this ours? Perhaps we should rephrase the question, "Why can't you give me a little more grace." What would be a better question to ask?  How about asking for their help. Ask for their advice on how you can grow. Once we get to the goal of grace, this line of questioning might make more sense.

Think of what it's like to have a supervisor train us in a new position, a sport's coach pushing us, or anyone who strives to help us reach our potential -- motivation, correction, and direction doesn't always come with warm fuzzies. Yet, if you've ever started a new job, tried a new activity, or attempted to gain any new skills, you know it's impossible to grow without a mentor. 

 If we shield ourselves from feedback or advice, how will we ever grow?

Grace is unconditional, it takes us where we are, accepts us for who we are, but true grace refuses to leave us where it finds us. Grace wants more for us than mediocrity or immaturity. 

So what is the goal of Grace? The goal of grace isn't to hinder or stifle our personal growth, the goal of grace is to make us mature and carry us far past the arrested development we've come to enjoy. Complacency kills. Apathy is the enemy, not your "critic."

Grace isn't the removal of standards or expectations. The opposite of grace says, let's leave the training wheels on a little longer. The opposite of grace is, please keep your suggestions, expectations, and disappointments to yourself.  It's not unloving sharing your frustrations, withholding frustration is deceptive. Would you rather people lied to you?  Only liars tell you what you want to hear all the time.  Are those the people you want to surround yourself with?  

Grace is nothing if it isn't transformational. The goal of grace is change. 

Grace expects growth: "But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen." (II Pet 3:18) Also, Grace isn't about excuses to continue in bad behavior: "What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?" (Rom 6:1-3)

The next time someone cares enough about you to point out a flaw, shortcoming, or anything that is interfering with you having healthier relationships, don't fall into the temptation to manipulate them by misusing the word grace and cry out, "I just need a little grace here." Instead, ask for real grace, and ask for some guidance. If you really want to be happy and have enjoyable relationships, learn to accept feedback.

In the end, you have to ask yourself: Is it narcissism, arrogance, or pride that causes me to reject, resent, and resist advice? It might simply be your desire to control others and every situation, but you need to confront the reason you oppose the standards others have. Would you rather they lower their standards and expectations and leave you to wither away in your comfort zone, or would you rather grow? It's your choice, and while we can't change anyone else, we ourselves can change -- but not on our own.

Fiction for When Masculinity is on the line: The three books all men should read at least once in their lifetime

There are three older books which I believe all men should read, and the sooner the better.  I really don't know how many times I've read and reread them, but I can't encourage these books enough.  Any of these three books can be read in one sitting, they are surprisingly short, concise & compact, captivating tales and they are extremely engaging.

 Before I share the titles, I'll share the "why."

Men, in case you haven't noticed, masculinity and manhood are under attack -- continually.  If masculinity isn't what's on the line, manhood is often misunderstood, and this deficit has left a generation of men confused and wounded.  In fact, I would not be surprised if these book I'm recommending were banned in the very near future. 

The themes in these books fill in the blanks where today's society has left a void.  These books correct the cultural-emasculation of men and they celebrate what makes manhood special.  Men, we are being shamed & bullied into thinking some of the primal instincts God endowed us with are criminal or corrupt. 

These books will inspire because these books overlap essential topics & themes regarding what being a healthy man who is confident and capable feels like.  Topics are what make men strong and confident, topics like the value of mentoring (Santiago), the value of true male companionship (George & Lenny), and knowing full and well men have what it takes -- we have the ability to endure any challenge life throws our way despite harsh climates or nearly being crushed by brutal oppression (Denisovich).

Here are my suggested titles:
"The old man and the sea" Ernest Hemingway.
"Mice & men" John Steinbeck
"One day in the life of Ivan Denisovich" Alexander Solzhenitsyn

In a day & age that leaves men feeling inadequate and confused, these books are like road-maps for those who have lost their way in their quest to becoming men. These old books celebrate embracing some of the essential masculine traits that have been suppressed for too long. 

It's hard to be good husbands & fathers when we are confused about what being a man is all about.  When men lose their ability to express and develop the traits that strengthen and embolden us, when masculinity is obliterated, it's not just "men" who will suffer, I believe the family-unit will collapse and then society's destruction will follow shortly after.

When we only talk with people who already agree with us

Have you noticed how difficult it has become to disagree with other people? Trump is a great example, he gets everyone talking -- we’re just not talking with the right people. How so? People on one side think that he can do no wrong, while other people believe he can’t do anything right. You either have a zealot-like loyalty to him, or you find him utterly loathsome. Just like the topic of abortion, there is no middle ground when it comes to talking about Trump.

The same could be said for discussing transgender people teaching sex-ed to preschoolers, current events in the Middle East, or immigration. We are too polarized these days. Worse yet, we can’t even seem to have a civil conversation with people “on the other” side of any issue.

FYI: It is okay to be neutral on the topic of the President, and, not every discourse is “hate speech” simply based on the fact you that disagree. You are not homophobic or Islamophobic whenever you voice a different view than what is held on the TV talk-shows. Yet, our culture has bullied us into silence when it comes to speaking up in the public square whenever we voice our conscience about the moral decline we see daily.

I find it ironic when a relativistic culture that on the one hand claims “what’s true for you isn’t true for me” (discarding logic and reason) wants to set a standard for diversity that is dependent on the stipulation that you can speak up only as long as you are in complete agreement with their views. There really isn’t room for exchanging ideas within this false diversity when their standard tells the other side to be quiet or acquiesce because you are hateful whenever you disagree with them.

How has our culture kept you quiet? They shame you and guilt you into silence, as they marginalize your mainstream-traditional virtues, claiming you are “intolerant.” And you probably think that you should remain quiet, since that’s the polite thing to do. The people who would suppress your voice, they are banking on you to be polite. And it works after-all, since all good Christians are polite like Jesus was.

Forget the fact Jesus braided a whip and drove out the money changers. Ignore the disciples asking Him in Matthew 15:12, “Don’t you realize the Pharisees were offended...?” by what He said. Jesus wasn’t killed for being polite. We somehow imagine Jesus to be charming and witty, almost like a candidate running for office or a TV game-show host, all the while forgetting He was killed for speaking the truth which offended people.

Jesus wasn’t combative, critical, or judgmental when He disagreed or when He voiced His unpopular ideas. He was confident, compassionate, creative, and caring when He shared the truth. Unfortunately, we as believers don’t even practice Jesus’ example on dialoguing with other Christians. Until we can do a better job of disagreeing amongst “ourselves” over the gray areas of theology or faith, are we really in a place to correct the world? It doesn’t have to be an either or, i.e., either we finally achieve unity or we can’t reach out period. But, we certainly need to avoid hypocrisy. And, we need to do whatever we are going to to improve our ability to dialogue soon.

When it comes to discussing our differences in the public square, it seems like both sides are merely perpetuating echo-chambers where all we are doing is sharing our opinions with other people who already hold the same views which we do. Sure, it’s comfortable, but it’s also catastrophic. Revolts, riots, and revolutions happen when you suppress people. There’s a reason Proverbs 27:17, “As Iron sharpens iron” is in your Bible. It’s healthy to respectfully disagree and to challenge each other.

The only way we will grow and mature as people is through comparing and contrasting ideas and through open dialogue. When we lose our way in this matter, the church becomes irrelevant and we are lost as a civilization.