Raising A culture of Unruly Rudeness: At what cost?

Without trying to sound like the prophet of doom, we aren’t preparing our children for independence, we are preparing them for incarceration. Everyone pays the price when we devalue discipline. 

Certainly not every child these days is a hellion, so at the risk of sounding like a crotchety old curmudgeon, the problem of disrespectful children is out of control. To be clear, I’m talking about poor attitudes, troublemaking, and the rejection of respect that is rampant today, not rambunctious children simply being innocent kids.

People are fed up with ill-mannered children, not energetic kids. For example, school is back in session but we never seem to have enough bus drivers. But this perennial issue isn’t because we’re lacking qualified drivers as a society; few people are willing to tolerate contemptuous children or the lack of support when it comes to disciplining them.

The difficulty in recruiting/retaining bus drivers (or substitute teachers) highlights how malignant our problem with disrespect has become. Somehow we’ve managed to raise a generation of punks who our own grandparents would be ashamed of and no one seems to bat an eye.

Why have school districts across the country abolished disciplining students? As a child if I misbehaved at school, I could expect to be disciplined at school and then again at home. Maybe schools have backed off on correction because they have lost parental support, fearing the wrath of helicopter and bulldozer parents.

On top of that, we’ve nurtured a generation of entitled “adults” who’ve never quite grown up. Man, I do sound like a grumpy old man but I’m tired of our cultural immaturity and the fact that we are ignoring it. This problem isn’t going to fix itself and it is only going to get worse -- we are on a dangerous trajectory which won’t end well without a course correction.

Do manners really matter? Is being polite a virtuous trait? How have we failed as a culture to instill courteousness and consideration in our youth?

What has corrupted our uncivilized youth? Like Dennis Rodman's disclaimer nearly 30 years ago, “I’m no role model,” we can’t blame it on Homer & Bart Simpson’s influence either, even if the Simpsons is the longest running TV series, racking up the most seasons and episodes of any show in history. Perhaps prioritizing etiquette, values, and ethics are all on a downward spiral because of our decline in church attendance?

Where does the societal responsibility lay for rearing respectful young adults? At our feet, we can’t expect our schools or our churches to raise our kids for us. Respect begins in the home.

Many parents struggle with actually parenting, because they are tempted to be their child’s friends instead, but these “cool” parents aren’t doing their children any favors. “Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death. A man of great wrath will pay the penalty, for if you deliver him, you will only have to do it again. Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.” (Prov 19:18-20)

Not many people “like” discipline, self-discipline is a struggle. Proper diet and exercise are fundamental to our wellbeing, yet why do people often pay for personal trainers and coaches? Because they want someone to do the discipline for them, but others can’t discipline for us, it has to be us.

We will either endure the pain of discipline, or the pain of regret -- one is beneficial and one is not, you decide which is best. Hebrews 12:11, “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

When parents raise ill-mannered disrespectful children, we all suffer. Prov 29:15-17, “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. When the wicked increase, transgression increases, but the righteous will look upon their downfall. Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.”


The deeper problem contributing to the rise of rude children might not be poor family dynamics, a lack of leadership in our schools, or people neglecting church attendance. Instead the real bedrock issue is, to our own detriment, no one believes in consequences anymore.

The disheartening rage over "Rich men north of Richmond"

 

The internet has exploded once again.  Beware of the right-wingers! is the mantra of every liberal outlet this weekend.  Why are they in an uproar? Everyone that works for a living is posting Oliver Anthony's anthem, "Rich men north of Richmond" 

Obviously the location north of Richmond is Washing DC.  Who can argue with Anthony that the Swamp is corrupt and the politicians we voted in are loathsome scum?  Not me.  He's hit a nerve and everyone's feeling the pain.  

What we do with the pain is vital for our mental and emotional wellbeing. 

It’s easier to criticize a creative work of art than it is to create something yourself, the song is catchy it’s well written and performed flawlessly, it's very well done.  My goal isn't to critique the music.  The problem seems to be a cultural bait & switch:  Bad men in DC, to unfair wages, to woe is me.  

My overall guess is Anthony wants to motivate us, but to what and how to?  He probably doesn't know the answers to get us out of our problems anymore than any of us know how.   He's fed up like the rest of us.  

His vocals are amazing, the main point of the song is spot on, so I'm not criticizing Anthony, I'm raising an awareness that’s obviously missing in the conversation over capitalism and the fact for a lot of people hard work doesn't seem to payoff.  I am a capitalist, but I'm also a realist and I'm keenly tuned into the feelings I hear expressed every day.  

Life is hard.  The system is rigged.  There are no easy answers and I can't pretend to have the answers to the problems with getting ahead in life.  The song  "Rich men north of Richmond" is just one example of the angst that everyone is feeling these days.  My goal here is to address my fears and concerns for the mental & emotional wellbeing that come along when we feel powerless and oppressed.  

Any advice I could offer always can be labeled as "that's easier said than done" or looked upon as "who are you to say?"   There are no easy answers to the problems we all face these days.  But I worry about how we are making matters worse for ourselves when we don't ask deeper questions or analyze how our rage without action consumes us then cripples us.  

I believe Anthony is well-intentioned and has every right to voice his well thought out and accurate opinion.  But if nothing changes for you after you digest the song, you'll be in a worse headspace than you were before you memorized the song, and that worries me.  

I’m not interested in fault finding or finding flaws in the song or the musician, it’s concern for the audience I'm take issue with. Compliance, is still compliance even if you complain about it, but are we hurting ourselves further by our reactions to the situation while we are at a loss for a response?  

There is no call to action, not anywhere it seems.  I love Tucker Carlson, he raises these same issues we hear in this song and more, but I have yet to hear words to live by from Tucker or anyone.  I do not know what is the best course of action to take to fix the system, but I do know we are crippling ourselves as a culture emotionally by our woundedness coupled to our inaction. 

I have a high tolerance for other people's pain on most issues, but not so much on this issue.  I feel anxious and worried for the young people just getting started, and it hurts to see people I know and love trapped in the quicksand of misery.  My fear and concern for everyone is that if his message doesn't inspire anyone to action then the inaction that follows the rage truly is more demoralizing than the situation itself.  

There’s a world of difference between sounding like an angry teenager who’s mad at mom and dad and a mature adult who takes responsibility for their life, and here again I'm taking about the audience not the musician.  The resulting problem with songs like this is they typically leave the crowd in a victim mentality, mentally & emotionally immobilized.  

Please ask yourself: What changes when you feel fed up with the man keeping you down?  Nothing. You’ll still clock in Monday morning, only angrier and more fed up.  But how does that help you?

The weekend will pass, your paycheck half gone to taxes and you feel helpless. Feeling worse about your situation isn't healthy.  Failure to take a risk to is a failure to reap the rewards. Over time, enviously stewing in feelings of weakness instead of being defiant against the problems or The Man, begins to leave one feeling defeated.  

My criticism isn’t leveled at the musician, and it's not meant to be harsh.  When we jump on the bandwagon “the man is keeping me down” it only seems to increase our emotional suffering.  Pouting about the Man feels good over the weekend but then Monday comes and that pouting turns to self-loathing, and you begin to hate yourself for you've let the Man do to you. 

I wish it was as easy as saying "Toss your tea in the harbor, refuse to participate in a system that you sustain, start your own company, stand together and make a difference." But I know those words ring empty and smack of pride.  

Whatever you choose, to do something different or not on Monday morning, I know that wallowing in self-misery isn't what anyone wants for themself.  All I want to do here is ask that everyone sees the personal harm we do to ourselves when we only look at our problems and we don't look for solutions.  

When they talk about you/How to sift through petty conversations & be a better friend

 

It’s slightly ironic that people in our region are more likely to believe you if you say you spotted a Bigfoot than if you claim to have seen a mountain lion.  I actually saw a mountain lion here in Kingsport, it ran out right in front of me while I was driving, plain as day, yet one of the neighbors asked if I also saw a unicorn as well.  

Which is easier for us to see in others, the good or the bad? Somehow we’ve unwisely come to the point in our culture where we eagerly accept bad news about others and we tend to see the worst in people immediately. Conversely, we tirelessly wait for their “true colors” to come out if they seem to be behaving nicely. 

Most people will blindly listen to someone slam us and they will carelessly deem we are guilty instantly-- much quicker than they will ever believe our success stories.   I’m not sure I understand why we struggle with this willfully, but if someone tells us the preacher’s teenage daughter is pregnant, unthinkingly we don’t question it, but if we hear the child was an honor roll student, suddenly we are skeptical.  

It’s bad enough when immature people spread trash-talk like politicians poisoning the well and slinging mud in a primary debate, it’s worse when we hastily entertain these accusations. Without even analyzing what we’ve heard or “going to the source” we often pass on this embarrassing information so others can “pray more intelligently.”  Remember James 1:26 and the warning to control what we say, “If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.”

We are quick to gossip, judge, and quick to scandalize -- like we read in Prov 16:28, “A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.”  Shame on us when we recklessly ruin other people’s reputations.   

Mature people, on the other hand, know how to ask the right questions when they hear something troubling and they know how to practice discretion.  Mature people also have enough common sense and integrity to steer clear of toxic conversations.  Proverbs 27:6, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”

You already wonder what slanderous people say about you when you are absent, but ask yourself when someone is sharing scandalous information about a common companion with you, why are they telling me this bit about this other person and why at this time?  Why would they try to smear this other person’s reputation now? Also it’s good to ask yourself, does this bad report match up with what you’ve personally experienced over the long run with the person in question?  

A mature person knows how to filter through what they hear and they know how to interpret motives.  Therefore, pause and think about it the next time someone starts talking poorly about other people you know because you will see what you want to see in others, if you want it long enough.  

There's a popular meme that summarizes the ease at which people will spread false information about us, and how we can respond as mature adults: 

Finally Finding out who really fathered me

 

(Left to right, me, Ken, Virgil, Cecil Cottongim.  It was the last time the three brothers saw each other)

For the life of me I'll never know why or understand Cecil, my dad, told me at the age of 11 that my mom had an affair with one of his brothers.  True or not, why would any adult tell their child about such a scandalous event, so close to home?  It seems demented to me to burden a child with this information.  Cecil didn't stop with that story either, he went on with countless stories of my mom's infidelity.  

Soon as an 11 year old I started doing the math, and the timing seemed awfully close to when the stork delivered me.  For over 40 years the question hung out there for me, who actually was my biological father, Cecil or his brother?  If you've known me long or well at all, you've heard me joke about this with phrases like "My uncle-daddy" and not being sure which one was my dad, the guy who raised me or his sinister brother who Cecil demonized till the day he died.  

Thanks to modern technology and the wonders of DNA, the big mystery is finally solved, Tammy gifted me with the 23 & me DNA test and tonight we read the results for the first time.  It's somewhat anticlimactic, after all I'm 55 years old, Cecil is dead, the living brother is in his 80's, and what would it really change if Cecil wasn't my "real" father?  

It turns out, all that awkwardness and questioning and curiosity I carried with me over the decades like a wooden-nickel was useless.  Cecil is my dad and his brother came out on the DNA test as "Uncle," it didn't read "Daddy-uncle" or anything close to daddy, much like my uncle said all of the many years, all along.  My uncle is my uncle and no more.  If you read this uncle, sorry I doubted you.  

Knowing the truth now feels weird.  I'm not happy or sad, nor disappointed or elated.  I didn't know what to expect, I didn't really consider how I would feel, one way or the other.  It just feels, weird.  Almost numb, but yes tonight, weird.   Maybe a little disoriented?

It is rather strange in a sense after these years of wondering about it to finally have a definitive answer, and I suppose you could say to have closure now too.  I guess I should feel embarrassed for considering, contemplating, or entertaining the idea that my uncle could've fathered me.  I need to forgive the 11 year old Craig who tried to make sense of a completely messed up situation.  Honestly, instead of feeling embarrassed, I'm more disappointed in Cecil for sharing the ugly family secret that my mom was unfaithful and for causing me so much self-doubt throughout my childhood and adult life.  

By no sense was I traumatized by this, it's dysfunctional but not detrimental, but the burden of carrying this question for so long and the tension and the fracture/division this caused ruptures family dynamics and has had ripple effects.  It caused me trust-issues with female relationships as a young adult, and it certainly disrupted family ties along the way.     

If there's a lesson to be learned here, some piece of wisdom I could distill and syphon off for you, I'm not aware of it yet.  I guess at this point I'd say, be cautious with what you burden your offspring with, be attentive to your spouses, and be willing to be proved wrong about ideas you hold to.    

Don't be blinded by the light

 Recently some wiseguy behind me had his bright lights on during my entire drive down 11W, and honestly, I couldn’t wait for my turn to brightlight him.  All I could think about for ten solid minutes was that once he passed me, I’d show him how it felt...  Then he suddenly changed lanes, finally, only to enter the Pinnacle -- robbing me of my chance to get even!

Then it hit me.  While I was irritated, obsessing over “my turn” to brightlight him, I spoiled God’s blessings surrounding me.  The drive from Kingsport to Bristol on 11W is pleasant, not to mention the sunrise I completely ignored while being consumed with the situation.  I allowed myself to be preoccupied with getting even, ruining the beauty of that morning.  

Sadly, I gave up control.  I could’ve slowed down or pulled over and let the guy with the bright lights pass me.  I could’ve increased my speed slightly and instead of self-righteously using my cruise control, move along a little quicker and escape his bright lights.  

When we are offended we assume we know the other person’s motivations, but the chances are there are circumstances we’ve no clue about.  The guy following me might not have realized his brights were on, or maybe his headlights needed repairing and only worked on bright.  Instead of looking for the best in people (like we all want for ourselves) the lens of vengeance blinds us, it distorts reality by showing us people in the worst possible light.  

Seeking vengeance not only ignores God’s command to let Him take care of it, we neglect God’s command to love others, to treat others how we want to be treated, and we forget about not judging others by a higher standard.  Vengeance (which can’t undo the past) doesn’t bring out the best in us, it brings out our worst -- reducing us even lower than our “villain’s” own character, maybe that’s why Prov 19:11 says, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”

Vengeance robs us of enjoying our blessings, it dehumanizes the people we hope to punish, it steals God’s role of administering justice properly all the while pretending we are the only important person in the universe.  Whenever we withhold grace for whatever reasons, we forfeit the foundation of our faith -- demonizing others is destructive to our souls.  

Vengeance is problematic, namely, we can’t control it once we unleash it.  We hear too often of how drive-by shootings turn out -- think about the toddler in a highchair or kindergartner watching TV on the couch caught in the crossfire.  

Most of the time, our motivations are petty/immature because vengeance deceives us into believing we are all-powerful but instead it reveals just how weak we really are.  Worst of all, the desire for revenge becomes our god because we practically worship it, giving it all of our attention, allowing it to dominate us, freely giving it our strongest devotion possible.

Originally published in the Kingsport Times News 6/23/23

https://www.timesnews.net/living/features/craig-cottongim-dont-let-vengeance-blind-you/article_c162fdfe-fb1c-11ed-a129-f333e5b8879a.html?fbclid=IwAR1Y_6OdMBNn6qC-qDHocpPZZlbU3_55yRHnw25iV2GL6hP9UiXWySeSyI0

The key to succeed in Concrete Construction

Concrete is one of the toughest and most rewarding jobs on the planet, not everyone who starts out working concrete finishes strong.  What is the determining factor that separates those who make it from those who fail in our industry?

Being a second generation concrete tradesman, I'm of the opinion that the number one indicator of your  success is beyond your personal talent, drive, ambition, skill, or opportunity.  Success comes down to having a supportive spouse, one that understands the nature of our industry, and can be understanding of its demands.  

I have worked concrete in several different states and I've been involved in several different areas of concrete, from footing crews, foundations crews, flatwork crews, both residential and commercial, I have worked in both union and non-union, I had the blessing of writing for Concrete Construction for seven years while they were still operational, and these days we own our own concrete pumping business (Our pumping website).  In all the years and in all of the different experiences, for me personally and from what I've observed in others, having a spouse that is behind you, supports you, believes in you, and can work with you in whatever their capacity is, that is the key to succeeding in concrete. 

How do we develop a relationship with our spouse that leads towards their better understanding of what we do?  Communication is vital.  My wife and I talk about everything and the everyday stuff that happens on our jobs daily, and over the years she has gained invaluable insights into concrete.  She knows all the technical jargon as well as "how to" in most all areas of placing and finishing concrete.  She has helped me pump concrete multiple times as well as finish concrete over the years.  I can honestly say I couldn't do what I do without her and I wouldn't be where I am without her.

Also, to bring your spouse along with you, it is important to attend concrete centered events, together.  My wife and I have gone to the World of Concrete together a few times.  We have gone to other concrete seminars together, we enjoy growing and learning, together.  We have grown in our appreciation of our great industry together over the years.

Another way to partner with your spouse is to introduce your spouse to other contractors, other concrete folks, and this includes the sales-folks, dispatchers, and plant managers at the ready-mix plant.  When your spouse sees themselves on the same level relationship-wise as you are with other people in our industry, they have buy-in and they are as invested in the relationships as you are.  

Bounce ideas about concrete off of your spouse, bid jobs together, set prices together.  Include each other as much as possible.  The stronger your marriage is, the better headspace you occupy.  Think of all of the time lost when co-workers go through a divorce.  Think of how non-productive folks on the crew are when they are fighting with their spouse.  

No other earthly relationship you have will influence your work like that with your spouse (not to take away from your relationship spiritually with God).  Therefore, include your spouse and involve them as much as possible, and the more you grow together in our industry the more successful you'll be.  

Click here for a Great song on video about this very topic

The real problem with Tucker Carlson that no one talks about

 

The problem with Tucker Carlson, you say?  The problem with Tucker Carlson is obviously going to be different for many different people, yet there is one single problem nearly all people have with him be it friend or foe.  

If you are with Fox News the problem is, why won't he just go away? The problem with Tucker Carlson if you are in D.C. or the White House isn't is he right?  It's what if the people believe him?  But for the rest of us, what's the real problem?  And yes there is a problem.  

Some people will say the problem with Tucker Carlson is that he's just an entertainer and he takes no responsibility for what he has said, right or wrong.  He's not to be trusted, that's the consensus for many of Tucker's detractors.  But this isn't the real problem we have with Tucker.  There are plenty of talkingheads, politicians, and celebrities which people practically worship, yet we easily overlook their troublemaking, deceptions, their bending of truth, morals, or ethics, etc., so dependability or reliability isn't the real problem with Tucker Carlson.   If he was were merely a charlatan, you'd just ignore him like L. Ron Hubbard, but you can't because of the problem he poses to each of us.  

Nearly everyone has the same problem with Tucker, be it folks in politics, folks at Fox, folks at NPR or in the Cable News industry, and especially more than likely even his fans share.  The problem with Tucker Carlson in this day and age when we all have been bullied into submission, keeping our opinions to ourselves, the problem is, Tucker says what he thinks.  It should be refreshing, but it's not, it's infuriating to many of us.    

You think UFOS are real, there are some conspiracy theories that are in the realm of the possible, you don't like the LBGQ's militant agenda, you distrusted motivations of the people heading BLM, you question the last election, you don't think drag queens should read stories to kindergarteners, the list goes on, and even though you are in the majority, you are silenced by the fear of being censored or by offending someone.  Not Tucker.  Facebook jail will never deter him, nor will losing his job.  

Is he merely a provocateur?  Does he really believe the things he says?   Those questions don't matter, what troubles us is that he will say what he thinks, or for the benefit of those who doubt his sincerity, he says what he wants to say and he does it better than anyone else.  That's a problem, whether you believe him or not, he says whatever he wants to say and that makes everyone uncomfortable, it causes people to be resentful and bitter, because most everyone wishes they had the courage to say what was on their mind.

No one will have to forcefully take away our First Amendment rights if we allow peer pressure to rule over us and we keep our opinions to ourselves just so we can fit in or be accepted, or make complete strangers happy.  We all feel threatened by Tucker Carlson or challenged by him but for very different reasons.  Make no mistake about, there's a problem with Tucker Carlson, and that problem is that he reminds us of what dialogue and debate used to stand for, and how we all wish we could just "say it like it is."