Ditching, scrapping & quitting Church

People quit “going to” church, I get it. Actually, I really get it, I've felt like throwing in the towel before. Not all of our children participate in a local church, not all of the time. I’ve seen the dark side of church politics & abuses of power, of church rivalries, of squabbles over gray areas, and I’ve been on the brunt end of churchy--elitist’s snubs. I've also read the stories of churches that embarrass their communities.

In case you don’t read any further, please remember, none of that really matters since the “church” didn’t die to save your soul. Jesus did.

My guess is, you aren’t happy with how Washington DC is run, regardless of your political position or party affiliation. I’ll take another guess, even though you aren’t happy with our government, you still vote, still pay your taxes, still obey the law. I’ll even go a step further, I’m guessing you haven’t relinquished your US citizenship. Here’s where my analogy probably breaks down, because you can break the law and you don’t really have to participate much in your country to remain a citizen. But then again, we have a different view of citizens who disregard our laws, take advantage of our nation, and never contribute to the greater good.

Flawed systems do not give us an excuse to quit. Jesus is, was, and always will be perfect. The church? She is a work in progress. When we confuse the two, then there are problems.

Some of our actions as Christians have tarnished the image of the church -- the reputation of the church suffers from our poor choices and bad behavior. There are plenty of good reasons why so many unbelievers have a tainted view of the church. On the flipside, there are a lot of good and healthy churches out there, and, some people might just be looking for an excuse to discard the entire notion of church participation no matter how good or bad their local churches are.

On top of that, faithful attendance in a local church is not the equivalent of faithful allegiance to Christ. Even though I think a lack of participation in the Body which He died for might show a lack of faith in the Jesus who shed His blood for the church.

So, do you have to “go” to church and participate to “get into” heaven? After all, Hebrews 10:24-25 seems to indicate we shouldn’t neglect gathering together: “Consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” The word in that passage for “meeting together” in the Greek is different from the typical Greek word for “church” or “assembly.” The word in Hebrews 10:25 isn’t the word for the assembly, it is more aligned with the idea for being synchronized and bonded together in commonality. I like that a lot. Gathering together, not just for a worship service, but to be joined together and living in christian community. It’s a beautiful notion. It’s easier said than done.

On the note of “not forsaking the assembly” we need to keep in mind, we don’t “go” to church. We, the people, we are the church. Jesus didn’t die for a building, or for a denomination. He died for the souls of sinful people. Church is when we gather together, wherever, and we celebrate the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus, church is when we gather with the purpose of making disciples and sharing the Gospel with a lost world. Maybe if we hadn’t lost sight of the Great commission, maybe we wouldn't be in the mess we are in now.

It’s not my place to say your soul is in jeopardy if you don’t belong to a local church. It is my responsibility to encourage you. I want to encourage you, please don’t give up on the Body of Christ. She fights over stupid issues. She makes a mess of things. She doesn’t always get along. She’s probably similar to a few of our family reunions through the years... She’s still the Bride of Christ. And, at times she needs you probably more than you need her.

What a dying friend taught me about hospitality

I thought I had a pretty good grasp on the topic of hospitality. I’ve known for years and I have preached about how hospitality is essential for strengthening Christian communities; nothing bonds people more than sharing time around a table. Our door at home is an open door and our adult children have carried on themselves, what we have modeled for them their whole life. We’ve hosted small groups in our home over the years -- more times than I can count. I’ve trained church leaders in hosting groups in their homes. I even helped put a book together on hospitality several years ago. But unexpectedly tonight, I learned something new about hospitality.

Even after all of these years of practicing the habit of hospitality I discovered something I hadn’t considered. How did I learn this? Sandy taught me. Sandy who? Sandy is a member of our church, but you may know her as well as a local hairdresser; she owns Attitudes Salon on Center street. The ever fashionable and cheery Sandy taught me something valuable about hospitality and I’ll never forget her lesson.

You see, my wife and I have enjoyed having a hospitable home for as long as I can remember, but, I’ve kind seen hospitality as a one-way blessing and somewhat as a chore -- yes a labor of love is probably a better term. But still, being hospitable requires some work, or so I thought. And, I’ve thought about all of the people “we’ve” blessed by opening our home to them. By work, I mean I have thought in terms of all of the meals we’ve prepared, and then the dishes to be done, and of course the prerequisite vacuuming and dusting before everyone arrives, whew. As for the directional-blessing, I have always thought about how the folks who received the gift of your hospitality are, well, they are the ones being blessed by you.

But, tonight I saw hospitality through the eyes of Sandy, Sandy who has inspired my wife and me for quite awhile as we have watched Sandy face health battles that would've left me crying in a corner and probably grumpy and not very nice. Tonight, Sandy was resting comfortably in her living room, in a hospital bed.

Pouty, whiny, cranky? Not Sandy. She remains steadfastly cheerful, optimistic, strong, and she has the most positive outlook I’ve ever seen anyone have. Quick-witted and funny as ever, she said a few things tonight that opened my eyes to a deeper truth about hospitality.

Here’s what Sandy taught me, hospitality doesn't merely bless the visitor, it blesses the host. Sandy shared how much she loves people and how she loves having company over. I know that doesn't sound profound or earth-shattering, but the more I thought about her words, the more I saw how much I’ve misunderstood the topic.

We enjoy having people over and sharing meals, sure. Also, I never took myself for a Martha (she’s the one who is complaining to Jesus about all the hard work & preparation she was doing, in Luke 10:38-42), I love to cook, especially grilling, and while I’ve never been bitter about having houseguests, I have always seen hospitality as hard work. More importantly though, I really hadn’t understood how much of a blessing having company over can be for some people.

I’m not recommending you invite yourself over to someone else’s house just so you can bless them, though that occurs to me that’s kind of a funny thought, “Hey I’m coming over, just wanted to bless your day...” I am saying, when you offer to host a meal you’ll be blessed and when you receive an invitation into someone’s home, you might brighten their day and bless them more than you knew you could.

What do you look for in a church and what are churches "selling"?

There’s an adage from a former generation that I can remember my old fuddy-duddy Bible professors quoting often, it went something like this, “What you win people with, is what you win them to.” Their point was, if you entice people to come to church, for example by inviting teenagers to “church” pizza parties and ski trips, you’ve won them over to those events -- but that is all. Their lives aren’t any different, they aren’t any different as a result of those events.

My question to you is, if you are church shopping, what do you look for, or, if you are trying to bring people to church, what reasons do you offer them? In other words, what role do preferences, comfort-zones, and tastes play in these decisions for you?

Most likely if you are attending worship services somewhere regularly, you feel pretty comfortable there and the church you participate with suits your tastes. It probably attracts people much like you, there’s not a lot of diversity, I’m guessing. I’ll take another stab in the dark and guess the church doesn’t stretch you too far, challenge you too much, nor does it expect too much from you. Does that sound like an opportunity for you to take up your cross, die to yourself, and give everything up and follow Jesus or does it seem like we’re missing the point of it all?

Churches today seem to focus more attention and energy on attracting people with inflatable castles and concerts while grasping at ways to retain the temporarily gathered crowds, than on helping people experience transformation. It seems like we’re catering to the shallow consumerism, the type that offers a major production on Sunday mornings but leaves people unchanged on Monday mornings.

It’s kind of like a refurbished college campus with big shiny new dorms, a Chick Fillet in their food court, and well manicured lawns -- but with a poor curriculum and sleazy professors. Would you really want to send your kids there...?

On the other hand, the church in the Book of Acts was focused on devotion, commitment, community, and changed lives through submission to the Holy Spirit and depending on the Scriptures. The church in the Bible way back then freely used terms like sin, repentance, and she had the audacity to tell people to “Be born again.” The church then wasn’t worried about offending sensitive people nor was she interested in wowing people with an on stage performance or helping a crowd feel “moved, stirred, or fed.” Nor did she employee mood-lighting and emotional music from the worship/praise team during the collection...

Before I’m misunderstood, let’s not confuse our mission with our methods here. Our mandate according to Jesus (Matt 28:18-20) is to develop followers of Jesus, “18 And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” The way we disciple people Jesus was fairly silent on. So I do not have a problem with being creative in how we reach & teach people.

But let’s face it, in reality, we’ve followed the marketing pattern of Starbucks, big business CEOs, and major advertisers more than we have embraced the simplicity of discipleship. Discipleship isn’t sexy or flashy, so it doesn’t really seem like it will work. Have we really changed, has human nature really changed in the last 2000 years or what’s going on? Sadly, we’ve given into the idolatrousness of celebrating our own accomplishments while neglecting the “great” commission.

Again, before I’m misunderstood, we don’t have to forfeit an invigorating worship service for transformation -- this isn’t an either/or issue as in you are either relevant and lively or you are truly a follower of Jesus. That’s not my point at all. Yet, church leaders who cave to the pressure to “perform” and dazzle the masses never experience true peace. They are constantly worried a more attractive, interesting, hipper congregation will steal their flock. Here’s a little secret, a more exciting church is always on the horizon, just waiting to launch.

Where’s the fruit though? I’m all for being excited about church and for having enthusiasm in all we do, but I’d prefer to see it paired with sustainability.

There’s a difference that’s seemingly lost on many church-goers, and this is my point: There’s a difference between an experience and an encounter. Too many churches are “selling” an “experience” these days and the sheep are missing an encounter or mistaking that experience as an encounter with the living God of the Bible. I know our churches are well-intentioned and do so without malicious intent, yet we are perpetuating a malnutritioned, self-centered church-culture that does what feels good but misses out on what’s actually best.

Do we really practice what we preach?

Recently I had a conversation with someone who was recently divorced. Their marriage was in rough shape for many years, and regrettably, there were many mistakes made by both spouses. The person I spoke with said, “You probably think I’m a horrible person. I know what people are saying about me.” I assured them even though I had heard the stories going round, I didn’t think they were a bad person.

I shared that after all of my many years of being in ministry and after thousands of hours of counseling people, I know that in those situations no one is fully to blame and no one is fully innocent. I responded that I have the ability to withhold judgment and that I can form my own opinions. I referenced the woman caught in adultery in John chapter 8 and pointed out the way Jesus handled that situation.

The whole conversation got me thinking. Are we truly like Jesus or do we lean towards being more like the Pharisees, who we can’t stand? After reflecting on that long conversation, I wondered: How well do our churches welcome spiritually wounded people? Would we accept the woman the crowd wanted to stone, or would we have judged her? How do we view and respond to people who blatantly sin?

Could your church really embrace someone with a tainted reputation? What about you, personally, could you? How do you view people who stumble and fall? Do you look down on them harshly, feel superior to them, or simply shake your head in disgust? Or, can you truly love on them the way they need to be loved?

It’s easy to deceive yourself, assuming to yourself that you offer grace as much as you believe in grace. And it’s easy to say you are non-judgmental. It’s another story to practice all of that. Almost everyone thinks they are more grace-centered than they are. So, how can you tell if you really are a person who extends more grace than criticism?

For starters, grace oriented people do not see the world in terms of “Us and them.” It’s all “Us.” We are all basically the same, despite our many differences. The moment you begin the separate yourself mentally from the riffraff and the more you see the faults in others, the less grace is truly reigning in your heart. Have you ever asked yourself, how was Jesus mistaken for a drunkard and glutton and are people ever confused about you because of the people you associate with? Jesus never loved from a distance, why do we think we can?

Also, people who have more grace than others do not feel the need to correct other people. If your first thought when you see someone struggling is to think through what advice you could offer, you probably are unintentionally judging them. People need acceptance more often than they need advice. Is there a place for advice and correction? Sure. But your advice is not a starting point when others are down. A listening ear, a warm hug, and friendly smile can often do more than all of the “right answers” we might offer.

In the story of the prodigal son, do you know what the real difference was between the father and the older brother? The older brother was more interested in comparing while the dad was deeply interested in connecting. The telltale sign of the judgmental person who thinks they are grace-centered is how often they compare others to themselves and them feel better about themselves afterwards.

I feel a bit jaded by most church-goers. We can quote the Bible, have a ready answer, and basically be know it alls -- while doing very little. And when it comes to being able to help people who have been drug down by sin, we keep our hands as clean as we keep our distance. In other words, we know all about how Jesus ministered, in our head, but our hearts are hard. I wonder what would happen if we let Jesus swing the gavel or wear the judge’s robe for awhile and we just picked up the servant’s towel for now?

Demystifying the myth of the perfect family

We love them, we brag on them, we get frustrated and embarrassed by them, we go to bat for them and we go a little batty because of them. Families, we are all a part of one, even the ones that are coming apart.

Do you really know of anyone with a perfect family? You probably know a few people who try to portray the “picture perfect family” in public -- I can only guess how exhausting carrying on that charade is.

I like to joke that our family-tree is a stump. My great-grandfather was illegitimate, which back then was quite a scandal, but he kept his mother’s maiden name so really I don't know what our last name should be. Over the years we’ve lost relatives to AIDS and others to pills -- I could go on, but the dysfunction certainly didn’t end with my great-grandfather's upbringing. It’s funny how every family has the punk with a chip on their shoulder, a crazy uncle or the loony aunt or the cantankerous grandparent, though no one ever sees themselves personally as the weak-link. Even still, we typically have a difficult time admitting our family’s imperfections to others.

So much of our identity is wrapped up in our family of origin, maybe that’s why we struggle with being more transparent about the skeletons in our closet. I’m at peace with being part of an imperfect family and I hope to help you, here, come to grips with your family as well.

What’s wrong with masking our problems anyhow? Shouldn’t we portray strength and vitality? Isn’t that how we find love and acceptance from others? The only problem here is, being hypocritical is not how we receive those traits, and, if we are selling a lie we will always doubt the authenticity/integrity of the relationships we have others who we’ve been misleading about ourselves. Talk about a vicious cycle.

Besides, imagine you are an unchurched person or maybe you have been out of church for a while and you are getting back into the swing of things, either way, imagine you begin to participate with a church where everyone seems just so perfect. How well do you feel like you fit in at that point? The same could be said of the pastor. If your church leadership pretends they have a perfect family, how will those in the church (in the real world) ever be able to relate to you?

Also, imagine the embarrassment when your “perfect” family does something that goes public. In our age of social media, pretty much everything is eventually public. By the way parents, I highly encourage you to keep abreast of your children’s social media posts. There are plenty of things your kids post on Twitter and Facebook that need your attention ASAP.

At this point, the temptation is to cocoon yourself and cut off contact with the outside world. That’s fine, except you’ve just cut yourself off from your source of help. Yes God is the ultimate help and His Spirit is our ultimate comfort, but how do you think He most often ministers to us? It’s usually through others.

There are plenty of Biblical passages about how we should treat each other and interact within our families. Still, there is not a single example that I can find in the Bible of a perfect family. That’s not an excuse for any of us to mess up, it’s simply the truth that families are made up of imperfect people and we all could benefit from a little extra grace. Having high standards about family is good, but don’t confuse having standards with our ability to live them out perfectly.

To keep your sanity and be spiritually healthy, maybe consider admitting to your family’s inconsistencies. Reach out to others and ask for help. Somewhere between arrested development, teen-rebellion, mental health issues, addictions, infidelities, and criminal activity, we all share more in common than we let on.

I want to encourage you if you feel like your family is in a mess or is a mess: You are not alone, no one has a perfect family! You’re not alone, so please don’t alienate yourself either -- ask for prayers, advice, counsel, accountability, or whatever else might help. Please, please, please do not feel embarrassed by your situation and don’t allow any embarrassment to immobilize you or separate you from your friends, those fears come from satan and not from God.

Avoiding Toxic people

The paradox of community (as well as with many of our core relations) is that in order to have stronger, truly authentic bonds we find it is necessary to separate ourselves occasionally from specific people. The Bible lists several types of people who are toxic and should be avoided for our own spiritual health.

For example, Romans 16:17 says to avoid divisive people. I Cor 15:33 says bad company corrupts good character. The book of Proverbs has several people we are told to avoid, even drive away, such as fools and scoffers. Somewhere Jesus said something about shaking the dust off... So yes, we find a litany of certain quarrelsome, wicked, strifeful characters in Scripture of whom we are told to steer clear of -- but it’s not always easy defending yourself from hurtful people, especially when you lack cooperation from people who do not respect your stance.

For instance, I’m sure when I say we need distance from some within our circle of relationships, the question pops up, “But isn’t this judgmental, not allowing these people in our lives?” No, it’s not. Actually, it is being wise and obedient. Besides, judging is about assigning eternal punishment or reward, like determining where someone’s soul goes after death. But, when you see someone who is toxic, you aren’t judging their soul, you are making a judgment call about their constitution which is based on the fruit they bear. You can’t protect yourself or identify a wolf otherwise.

“Where is the grace in this?” is another perplexing question. Distributing grace never requires placing yourself in harms way to gratuitously allow evil to thrive. If someone is harming you, emotionally wounding you, shaming you, blaming you, bullying you, etc., you don’t have to be a doormat to practice the Christian faith. Like Eccl 3:5 clarifies, there is, “a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing...”

I’m a firm believer we should own our feelings. I also believe it’s fair to articulate your feelings. Expressing your feelings should never be mistaken for an entitlement to wound others around you. And, whenever you attempt to establish healthy boundaries, I promise you, you will meet resistance, often in the form of hurt feelings, brash feelings that will sting your ears.

You see, the problem with some people who take liberties with everyone else’s emotions, the “takers” want to control you, and when they can’t, like the old adage says, when they can’t control you they’ll try to control how others see you. They’ll demonize you and paint you out as the villain. Sadly, some people will push you too far, and when they see an “ugly side” to you, then they portray themselves as a victim to anyone who will listen.

Why is it that the bully gets more of an audience, why do people usually sympathize with the problem person instead of the mistreated one? Because after we take a stand for health and stability, it makes the rest of our circle uncomfortable, even nervous. Why? Because they feel weak for not calling out the problem themselves, and, if you can stand up to the buzzsaw-bulldozer-intimidator, you won’t have any problem defending yourself from them should they ever try to push you around. In other words, by your actions, you've shown a certain strength they are envious of.

Has someone unapologetically wronged you? Are you hurt, even mad? That’s understandable. Consider Eph 4:26, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,....” Do not allow the hurtful person to rob you of your sleep or to occupy too much space in your heart and mind or to tempt you to vengeance. Try to resolve your anger, pray for that person, and if and when they repent and become healthier, be open to possibly restoring the relationship -- if that is best. If they refuse to be rational, repent or grow, remember what Frost penned, “Good fences make good neighbors.”

You can only change yourself, you can’t change the toxic person and they might never decide to be a person who is able to enjoy a healthy relationship with you -- but that’s their choice. Moving forward with your life after you’ve been wounded, your relationship will look different, and it might not ever be the same. That’s okay. You can love and forgive people without opening yourself up to further pain or whatever mistreatment they might want to inflict on you.

Why are we jaded about "church" when it comes to the topic of money?

There are times when people are strangely transparent. Unsolicited, folks will frankly confess their infidelities, petty crimes, or simply share gory details about a recent illness (of which you’d rather not have heard about and you leave the conversation feeling rather awkward), but, just ask someone how much money they make or what they currently have in the bank and they will unravel like a cheap sweater.

If you don’t believe me that asking about money is offensive, just ask the next person you talk to. We are often scolded and told, “Don’t you dare talk about religion or politics...,” when you get together, “you’ll just upset everyone!” In reality, the real lightning rod topic is money.

Similarly, consider the uproar that ensues whenever a community has to set the town’s budget or they decide to build a new structure, like a school. Divers opinions clash, people get upset, and everyone knows how best the money should/shouldn’t be spent -- everyone apparently is an instant expert.

Everyone (also) gets embarrassed when it comes to disclosing their personal finances -- the key term here is “personal.” Think of people, other than those in your own household, and try to name a few of which you know their annual income. I can’t, after all, it’s none of my business, and the point is, we don’t divulge this kind of information to each other regardless of how close we are.

On a related note, why is it that most churches have enough “Jesus” but never enough money? I rarely preach about “giving” for a few reasons. Maybe this brief vignette will help illustrate why:

I recently heard about a married person who had been trying hard for over 20 years to get their spouse to join them at church on a Sunday morning. “Well,” the other one said, “the only thing churches are really interested in is my money, so no thank you.” Over time though the “faithful” one finally wore the other one down, and the invited one acquiesced and agreed to go with. Putting on their “Sunday best” even though a non-member, the other went along. I bet you can guess what the pastor happened to preach on that Sunday. That spouse left church that Sunday, and poor excuse or not, hasn’t darkened the doors since. I doubt they will ever again, until their funeral that is.

So does this mean churches shouldn’t ever broach the subject of money? After all, Jesus talked about money and the Bible has many passages dedicated to the subject.

I think money, tithing, and how we treat our resources are spiritual matters. But, for our churches, they are probably best addressed over a cup of coffee, in a small group study, or some other informal/relaxed setting besides on a Sunday morning. Unfortunately, our congregations weekly send the message to “visitors” we are more interested in their money than any other topic every week when we pass “the plate” every Sunday and “take up” the offering, or when we dedicate an entire month of sermons to next year’s budget.

We already have enough obstacles to evangelism these days, so let’s not put up another costly roadblock when it comes to reaching people who are already (rightfully so) cynical or jaded. Yes money is a matter of spiritual maturity and we need to be honest and open about our church’s fiscal needs as well as the snares of money, but not at the expense of alienating lost souls.