Why Asking for & Giving grace more is truly influential

There's an overlooked element to grace, i.e., "what is the goal" of grace. There's more to grace than we give it credit for. Before I share the goal of grace, let's state the obvious: No one is perfect; we all make mistakes, we all frustrate others. 

In that moment when someone points out our need for improvement, have you ever stopped and asked, "Why can't people just give me a little more grace?" It seems like some people will never be satisfied and it feels like they will never accept us for who we are. But, would they be doing us any favors if they treated us the way we wanted to be treated by asking them to turn a blind eye to our faults? 

No one should ever belittle us, demean us, put us down, or humiliate us.  If we aren't careful though, we lie to ourselves and twist every negative sounding comment we hear about ourselves into something it isn't.  That's not very inspirational, it's not even spiritual.

Yes it feels discouraging when someone expresses their disappointment in any of our patterns, it's almost insulting, but is this their fault or is this ours? Perhaps we should rephrase the question, "Why can't you give me a little more grace." What would be a better question to ask?  How about asking for their help. Ask for their advice on how you can grow. Once we get to the goal of grace, this line of questioning might make more sense.

Think of what it's like to have a supervisor train us in a new position, a sport's coach pushing us, or anyone who strives to help us reach our potential -- motivation, correction, and direction doesn't always come with warm fuzzies. Yet, if you've ever started a new job, tried a new activity, or attempted to gain any new skills, you know it's impossible to grow without a mentor. 

 If we shield ourselves from feedback or advice, how will we ever grow?

Grace is unconditional, it takes us where we are, accepts us for who we are, but true grace refuses to leave us where it finds us. Grace wants more for us than mediocrity or immaturity. 

So what is the goal of Grace? The goal of grace isn't to hinder or stifle our personal growth, the goal of grace is to make us mature and carry us far past the arrested development we've come to enjoy. Complacency kills. Apathy is the enemy, not your "critic."

Grace isn't the removal of standards or expectations. The opposite of grace says, let's leave the training wheels on a little longer. The opposite of grace is, please keep your suggestions, expectations, and disappointments to yourself.  It's not unloving sharing your frustrations, withholding frustration is deceptive. Would you rather people lied to you?  Only liars tell you what you want to hear all the time.  Are those the people you want to surround yourself with?  

Grace is nothing if it isn't transformational. The goal of grace is change. 

Grace expects growth: "But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen." (II Pet 3:18) Also, Grace isn't about excuses to continue in bad behavior: "What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?" (Rom 6:1-3)

The next time someone cares enough about you to point out a flaw, shortcoming, or anything that is interfering with you having healthier relationships, don't fall into the temptation to manipulate them by misusing the word grace and cry out, "I just need a little grace here." Instead, ask for real grace, and ask for some guidance. If you really want to be happy and have enjoyable relationships, learn to accept feedback.

In the end, you have to ask yourself: Is it narcissism, arrogance, or pride that causes me to reject, resent, and resist advice? It might simply be your desire to control others and every situation, but you need to confront the reason you oppose the standards others have. Would you rather they lower their standards and expectations and leave you to wither away in your comfort zone, or would you rather grow? It's your choice, and while we can't change anyone else, we ourselves can change -- but not on our own.

Fiction for When Masculinity is on the line: The three books all men should read at least once in their lifetime

There are three older books which I believe all men should read, and the sooner the better.  I really don't know how many times I've read and reread them, but I can't encourage these books enough.  Any of these three books can be read in one sitting, they are surprisingly short, concise & compact, captivating tales and they are extremely engaging.

 Before I share the titles, I'll share the "why."

Men, in case you haven't noticed, masculinity and manhood are under attack -- continually.  If masculinity isn't what's on the line, manhood is often misunderstood, and this deficit has left a generation of men confused and wounded.  In fact, I would not be surprised if these book I'm recommending were banned in the very near future. 

The themes in these books fill in the blanks where today's society has left a void.  These books correct the cultural-emasculation of men and they celebrate what makes manhood special.  Men, we are being shamed & bullied into thinking some of the primal instincts God endowed us with are criminal or corrupt. 

These books will inspire because these books overlap essential topics & themes regarding what being a healthy man who is confident and capable feels like.  Topics are what make men strong and confident, topics like the value of mentoring (Santiago), the value of true male companionship (George & Lenny), and knowing full and well men have what it takes -- we have the ability to endure any challenge life throws our way despite harsh climates or nearly being crushed by brutal oppression (Denisovich).

Here are my suggested titles:
"The old man and the sea" Ernest Hemingway.
"Mice & men" John Steinbeck
"One day in the life of Ivan Denisovich" Alexander Solzhenitsyn

In a day & age that leaves men feeling inadequate and confused, these books are like road-maps for those who have lost their way in their quest to becoming men. These old books celebrate embracing some of the essential masculine traits that have been suppressed for too long. 

It's hard to be good husbands & fathers when we are confused about what being a man is all about.  When men lose their ability to express and develop the traits that strengthen and embolden us, when masculinity is obliterated, it's not just "men" who will suffer, I believe the family-unit will collapse and then society's destruction will follow shortly after.

When we only talk with people who already agree with us

Have you noticed how difficult it has become to disagree with other people? Trump is a great example, he gets everyone talking -- we’re just not talking with the right people. How so? People on one side think that he can do no wrong, while other people believe he can’t do anything right. You either have a zealot-like loyalty to him, or you find him utterly loathsome. Just like the topic of abortion, there is no middle ground when it comes to talking about Trump.

The same could be said for discussing transgender people teaching sex-ed to preschoolers, current events in the Middle East, or immigration. We are too polarized these days. Worse yet, we can’t even seem to have a civil conversation with people “on the other” side of any issue.

FYI: It is okay to be neutral on the topic of the President, and, not every discourse is “hate speech” simply based on the fact you that disagree. You are not homophobic or Islamophobic whenever you voice a different view than what is held on the TV talk-shows. Yet, our culture has bullied us into silence when it comes to speaking up in the public square whenever we voice our conscience about the moral decline we see daily.

I find it ironic when a relativistic culture that on the one hand claims “what’s true for you isn’t true for me” (discarding logic and reason) wants to set a standard for diversity that is dependent on the stipulation that you can speak up only as long as you are in complete agreement with their views. There really isn’t room for exchanging ideas within this false diversity when their standard tells the other side to be quiet or acquiesce because you are hateful whenever you disagree with them.

How has our culture kept you quiet? They shame you and guilt you into silence, as they marginalize your mainstream-traditional virtues, claiming you are “intolerant.” And you probably think that you should remain quiet, since that’s the polite thing to do. The people who would suppress your voice, they are banking on you to be polite. And it works after-all, since all good Christians are polite like Jesus was.

Forget the fact Jesus braided a whip and drove out the money changers. Ignore the disciples asking Him in Matthew 15:12, “Don’t you realize the Pharisees were offended...?” by what He said. Jesus wasn’t killed for being polite. We somehow imagine Jesus to be charming and witty, almost like a candidate running for office or a TV game-show host, all the while forgetting He was killed for speaking the truth which offended people.

Jesus wasn’t combative, critical, or judgmental when He disagreed or when He voiced His unpopular ideas. He was confident, compassionate, creative, and caring when He shared the truth. Unfortunately, we as believers don’t even practice Jesus’ example on dialoguing with other Christians. Until we can do a better job of disagreeing amongst “ourselves” over the gray areas of theology or faith, are we really in a place to correct the world? It doesn’t have to be an either or, i.e., either we finally achieve unity or we can’t reach out period. But, we certainly need to avoid hypocrisy. And, we need to do whatever we are going to to improve our ability to dialogue soon.

When it comes to discussing our differences in the public square, it seems like both sides are merely perpetuating echo-chambers where all we are doing is sharing our opinions with other people who already hold the same views which we do. Sure, it’s comfortable, but it’s also catastrophic. Revolts, riots, and revolutions happen when you suppress people. There’s a reason Proverbs 27:17, “As Iron sharpens iron” is in your Bible. It’s healthy to respectfully disagree and to challenge each other.

The only way we will grow and mature as people is through comparing and contrasting ideas and through open dialogue. When we lose our way in this matter, the church becomes irrelevant and we are lost as a civilization.

Which is worse, the wrong church or quitting church:

I suppose it’s only natural to think “all” of our perspectives are “always” right. This has to be so, otherwise we would change our minds so we could then have the more correct point of view. This idea becomes interesting to me, especially when it concerns religion. Not all churches are on the same page theologically or doctrinally, so while we might disagree with certain churches, let me ask you: Would or wouldn’t it be better for people to attend the “wrong” church than to not attend church at all?

For example, your children might not attend the same church they did growing up under your roof, but wouldn't you rather they worshiped with a different church than not at all? How you respond to this question says a lot more about you than you might think.

This topic is not in the realm of the theoretical for me personally. Our oldest son and his family joined the Anglican Church and our newlywed youngest son and his wife are members at a Baptist Church. We raised our children in churches associated with the American Restoration Movement.

I am happy that our children in these different congregations are active and participating on a weekly basis. I am of the opinion that the church isn't the building, the church is the people. Church isn't tied to an address or a location.

So if we disagree with a certain denomination/non-denominational church, what happens in that congregation might be more beneficial for your loved one than you know. Your loved one attending the church you don’t approve of will more than likely be singing songs to God, hearing Godly messages, and reading Scriptures. They might even be praying for all we know? I’m guessing there might even be a sense of community they experience there too?

But, you say, they are “being led astray by a false doctrine!” And, that church does “it” wrong, whatever “it” is, you fill in the blank. Perhaps, or maybe not. Maybe they are reading their Bible for themselves for the first time in their life, and comparing the Bible with what they hear weekly or with what they’ve been taught all their lives.

Unless we are a cult leader, we should never be afraid of people searching for the truth on their own, without us, or without our help. Children and people we care for or mentor need to have an ownership of their faith. They need to be able to defend what they believe, not because of what we say or think or because of what “our church” stands for, but because of the conclusions they draw from their own study and worship.

Who are we to limit how the Spirit moves within any congregation, or in the lives of our loved ones? Just because we are uncomfortable with it, or it’s too liberal/too conservative, it might be just where God wants your loved one. There’s no telling what they bring to the table from your tradition that can help that other church, just like there’s no telling how that loved one can grow in a different setting.

If someone leaves the congregation you worship with, this does not mean they have betrayed their faith or the Lord. Christians have gone in different directions over disagreements since the beginning, and God worked through those separations as well, consider Acts 15:36-41 "36 And after some days Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us return and visit the brothers in every city where we proclaimed the word of the Lord, and see how they are.” 37 Now Barnabas wanted to take with them John called Mark. 38 But Paul thought best not to take with them one who had withdrawn from them in Pamphylia and had not gone with them to the work. 39 And there arose a sharp disagreement, so that they separated from each other. Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus, 40 but Paul chose Silas and departed, having been commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord. 41 And he went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches."

Pray more than you pester. Scratch that, don’t pester at all, start to pray more. Ask nicer questions that show you are interested, instead of voicing harsh assumptions. Express your love more than your hatred or fears you’ve shared through the years. And, and this one is big, trust God more than you trust yourself to guide that other person you are so worried about.

What should we make of Christianity Today Magazine Calling for Trump's removal?

This morning I unfollowed the Twitter account of Christianity Today. 
The reason?  Their piece on removing Trump was nothing less than hypocritical on their part: https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2019/december-web-only/trump-should-be-removed-from-office.html

Why do I think CT magazine is hypocritical and a bit insincere in their proposition that Trump needs to step down?  Even if they are right about Trump's presidency being compromised, the magazine has reached a new, low level of hypocrisy. 

Time and again the CT piece points to the moral problems they see with Trump.  Why are they suddenly the moral police for politicians, and why have they remained silent in regards to so many other politicians, especially the previous administration? 

I cannot recall the magazine ever recommending the Obama administration remove themselves.  For example:  #1, Joe Biden under the Obama administration certainly went further than Trump ever did with the Ukrainians in Biden's threats to withhold American dollars unless Biden got his way:  https://www.wsj.com/video/opinion-joe-biden-forced-ukraine-to-fire-prosecutor-for-aid-money/C1C51BB8-3988-4070-869F-CAD3CA0E81D8.html

 #2, Have we ever had a more pro-LGBT, pro-Abortion, pro-Planned Parenthood president than Obama?  If Trump's character/morals disqualifies him from office, what about the stances Obama took? 

I do not like a lot of what Trump's past holds.  Yet, since taking office, he has done quite a bit for Christianity and people of faith.  I cannot say how sincere he is in his faith or what his position with God is, that's not for me to judge.  I also do not feel I need to defend Trump.  That's not what this is about.  This is about a "Christian" magazine that is not about politics but is supposedly about faith, misspeaking in complete error (Technically Trump is not impeached until the House delivers the articles of impeachment to the Senate, which they so far have not delivered) and hypocrisy. 

CT magazine has the right to whatever stance they think is correct, but for me, I think they have lost their way.  My guess is they are attempting to be hip and relevant, and perhaps reach a new audience to boost their sales?  I'm no longer interested in their perspectives, and I'd say they will lose more of whatever influence they had due to this blunder of theirs. 

How can we better support grieving people

When terrible times hit you the hardest, you won’t need anyone to tell you to grieve or how to grieve, we don’t need to be taught that. But, I do think we can all learn how to better support other people while they are grieving. 

I’m amazed at the dumb things that can come out of our well-intentioned mouths. We shouldn’t feel like we have to have the perfect explanation or the just-perfect words to comfort people who are agonizing over a death, loss, or tragedy. When anyone, for example, suffers the loss of a loved one we feel a bit anxious and we try our best to comfort them. Unintentionally, we often say things that are either callous or that possibly makes matters worse.

Yes, people who experience the loss of a loved one want to make sense of their suffering and they wonder how long their pain will last. But, they really don’t expect you to explain away or solve their problem.

People who grieve do not need to ever hear, “God needed another Angel,” “They’re in a better place now/they aren’t suffering anymore,” “Everything happens for a reason,” “God never puts more on you than you can handle,” or maybe the worst phrase we can offer, “I know exactly how you feel.” Instead, what they really need, most often, is a gentle hug and a listening ear.

Those in the midst of suffering aren’t expecting you to solve their problems or provide answers to the hard questions. Sometimes they simply need to know you are praying for them and you are there for them.

My dad passed away last week and I’m still getting a lot of support from our church, friends, and family. When my mom recently passed away in September, I received comforting calls and cards and messages from people far and wide. One of the kindest gestures that truly touched me was a card informing me that Jeff Fleming sponsored a tree for the Keep Kingsport Beautiful Tree Fund in honor of my mom -- it sent an emotional message that resonates deep within my soul to this day. My mother would’ve appreciated Jeff’s kind act and it meant a lot to me too. Any act of kindness and support goes much further than some of the silly phrases we fumble through when we don’t know what to say.

Being present for someone while they are hurting, offering your help through small acts of kindness, listening to them or simply sitting silently and crying together without trying to fix the situation is more powerful and convincing than sharing a silly canned speech about pain and suffering. Again, save your pearls of wisdom for another time because a warm hug and a listening ear will do them more good than our words ever will.

Ditching, scrapping & quitting Church

People quit “going to” church, I get it. Actually, I really get it, I've felt like throwing in the towel before. Not all of our children participate in a local church, not all of the time. I’ve seen the dark side of church politics & abuses of power, of church rivalries, of squabbles over gray areas, and I’ve been on the brunt end of churchy--elitist’s snubs. I've also read the stories of churches that embarrass their communities.

In case you don’t read any further, please remember, none of that really matters since the “church” didn’t die to save your soul. Jesus did.

My guess is, you aren’t happy with how Washington DC is run, regardless of your political position or party affiliation. I’ll take another guess, even though you aren’t happy with our government, you still vote, still pay your taxes, still obey the law. I’ll even go a step further, I’m guessing you haven’t relinquished your US citizenship. Here’s where my analogy probably breaks down, because you can break the law and you don’t really have to participate much in your country to remain a citizen. But then again, we have a different view of citizens who disregard our laws, take advantage of our nation, and never contribute to the greater good.

Flawed systems do not give us an excuse to quit. Jesus is, was, and always will be perfect. The church? She is a work in progress. When we confuse the two, then there are problems.

Some of our actions as Christians have tarnished the image of the church -- the reputation of the church suffers from our poor choices and bad behavior. There are plenty of good reasons why so many unbelievers have a tainted view of the church. On the flipside, there are a lot of good and healthy churches out there, and, some people might just be looking for an excuse to discard the entire notion of church participation no matter how good or bad their local churches are.

On top of that, faithful attendance in a local church is not the equivalent of faithful allegiance to Christ. Even though I think a lack of participation in the Body which He died for might show a lack of faith in the Jesus who shed His blood for the church.

So, do you have to “go” to church and participate to “get into” heaven? After all, Hebrews 10:24-25 seems to indicate we shouldn’t neglect gathering together: “Consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” The word in that passage for “meeting together” in the Greek is different from the typical Greek word for “church” or “assembly.” The word in Hebrews 10:25 isn’t the word for the assembly, it is more aligned with the idea for being synchronized and bonded together in commonality. I like that a lot. Gathering together, not just for a worship service, but to be joined together and living in christian community. It’s a beautiful notion. It’s easier said than done.

On the note of “not forsaking the assembly” we need to keep in mind, we don’t “go” to church. We, the people, we are the church. Jesus didn’t die for a building, or for a denomination. He died for the souls of sinful people. Church is when we gather together, wherever, and we celebrate the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus, church is when we gather with the purpose of making disciples and sharing the Gospel with a lost world. Maybe if we hadn’t lost sight of the Great commission, maybe we wouldn't be in the mess we are in now.

It’s not my place to say your soul is in jeopardy if you don’t belong to a local church. It is my responsibility to encourage you. I want to encourage you, please don’t give up on the Body of Christ. She fights over stupid issues. She makes a mess of things. She doesn’t always get along. She’s probably similar to a few of our family reunions through the years... She’s still the Bride of Christ. And, at times she needs you probably more than you need her.