Demystifying the myth of the perfect family

We love them, we brag on them, we get frustrated and embarrassed by them, we go to bat for them and we go a little batty because of them. Families, we are all a part of one, even the ones that are coming apart.

Do you really know of anyone with a perfect family? You probably know a few people who try to portray the “picture perfect family” in public -- I can only guess how exhausting carrying on that charade is.

I like to joke that our family-tree is a stump. My great-grandfather was illegitimate, which back then was quite a scandal, but he kept his mother’s maiden name so really I don't know what our last name should be. Over the years we’ve lost relatives to AIDS and others to pills -- I could go on, but the dysfunction certainly didn’t end with my great-grandfather's upbringing. It’s funny how every family has the punk with a chip on their shoulder, a crazy uncle or the loony aunt or the cantankerous grandparent, though no one ever sees themselves personally as the weak-link. Even still, we typically have a difficult time admitting our family’s imperfections to others.

So much of our identity is wrapped up in our family of origin, maybe that’s why we struggle with being more transparent about the skeletons in our closet. I’m at peace with being part of an imperfect family and I hope to help you, here, come to grips with your family as well.

What’s wrong with masking our problems anyhow? Shouldn’t we portray strength and vitality? Isn’t that how we find love and acceptance from others? The only problem here is, being hypocritical is not how we receive those traits, and, if we are selling a lie we will always doubt the authenticity/integrity of the relationships we have others who we’ve been misleading about ourselves. Talk about a vicious cycle.

Besides, imagine you are an unchurched person or maybe you have been out of church for a while and you are getting back into the swing of things, either way, imagine you begin to participate with a church where everyone seems just so perfect. How well do you feel like you fit in at that point? The same could be said of the pastor. If your church leadership pretends they have a perfect family, how will those in the church (in the real world) ever be able to relate to you?

Also, imagine the embarrassment when your “perfect” family does something that goes public. In our age of social media, pretty much everything is eventually public. By the way parents, I highly encourage you to keep abreast of your children’s social media posts. There are plenty of things your kids post on Twitter and Facebook that need your attention ASAP.

At this point, the temptation is to cocoon yourself and cut off contact with the outside world. That’s fine, except you’ve just cut yourself off from your source of help. Yes God is the ultimate help and His Spirit is our ultimate comfort, but how do you think He most often ministers to us? It’s usually through others.

There are plenty of Biblical passages about how we should treat each other and interact within our families. Still, there is not a single example that I can find in the Bible of a perfect family. That’s not an excuse for any of us to mess up, it’s simply the truth that families are made up of imperfect people and we all could benefit from a little extra grace. Having high standards about family is good, but don’t confuse having standards with our ability to live them out perfectly.

To keep your sanity and be spiritually healthy, maybe consider admitting to your family’s inconsistencies. Reach out to others and ask for help. Somewhere between arrested development, teen-rebellion, mental health issues, addictions, infidelities, and criminal activity, we all share more in common than we let on.

I want to encourage you if you feel like your family is in a mess or is a mess: You are not alone, no one has a perfect family! You’re not alone, so please don’t alienate yourself either -- ask for prayers, advice, counsel, accountability, or whatever else might help. Please, please, please do not feel embarrassed by your situation and don’t allow any embarrassment to immobilize you or separate you from your friends, those fears come from satan and not from God.

Avoiding Toxic people

The paradox of community (as well as with many of our core relations) is that in order to have stronger, truly authentic bonds we find it is necessary to separate ourselves occasionally from specific people. The Bible lists several types of people who are toxic and should be avoided for our own spiritual health.

For example, Romans 16:17 says to avoid divisive people. I Cor 15:33 says bad company corrupts good character. The book of Proverbs has several people we are told to avoid, even drive away, such as fools and scoffers. Somewhere Jesus said something about shaking the dust off... So yes, we find a litany of certain quarrelsome, wicked, strifeful characters in Scripture of whom we are told to steer clear of -- but it’s not always easy defending yourself from hurtful people, especially when you lack cooperation from people who do not respect your stance.

For instance, I’m sure when I say we need distance from some within our circle of relationships, the question pops up, “But isn’t this judgmental, not allowing these people in our lives?” No, it’s not. Actually, it is being wise and obedient. Besides, judging is about assigning eternal punishment or reward, like determining where someone’s soul goes after death. But, when you see someone who is toxic, you aren’t judging their soul, you are making a judgment call about their constitution which is based on the fruit they bear. You can’t protect yourself or identify a wolf otherwise.

“Where is the grace in this?” is another perplexing question. Distributing grace never requires placing yourself in harms way to gratuitously allow evil to thrive. If someone is harming you, emotionally wounding you, shaming you, blaming you, bullying you, etc., you don’t have to be a doormat to practice the Christian faith. Like Eccl 3:5 clarifies, there is, “a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing...”

I’m a firm believer we should own our feelings. I also believe it’s fair to articulate your feelings. Expressing your feelings should never be mistaken for an entitlement to wound others around you. And, whenever you attempt to establish healthy boundaries, I promise you, you will meet resistance, often in the form of hurt feelings, brash feelings that will sting your ears.

You see, the problem with some people who take liberties with everyone else’s emotions, the “takers” want to control you, and when they can’t, like the old adage says, when they can’t control you they’ll try to control how others see you. They’ll demonize you and paint you out as the villain. Sadly, some people will push you too far, and when they see an “ugly side” to you, then they portray themselves as a victim to anyone who will listen.

Why is it that the bully gets more of an audience, why do people usually sympathize with the problem person instead of the mistreated one? Because after we take a stand for health and stability, it makes the rest of our circle uncomfortable, even nervous. Why? Because they feel weak for not calling out the problem themselves, and, if you can stand up to the buzzsaw-bulldozer-intimidator, you won’t have any problem defending yourself from them should they ever try to push you around. In other words, by your actions, you've shown a certain strength they are envious of.

Has someone unapologetically wronged you? Are you hurt, even mad? That’s understandable. Consider Eph 4:26, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,....” Do not allow the hurtful person to rob you of your sleep or to occupy too much space in your heart and mind or to tempt you to vengeance. Try to resolve your anger, pray for that person, and if and when they repent and become healthier, be open to possibly restoring the relationship -- if that is best. If they refuse to be rational, repent or grow, remember what Frost penned, “Good fences make good neighbors.”

You can only change yourself, you can’t change the toxic person and they might never decide to be a person who is able to enjoy a healthy relationship with you -- but that’s their choice. Moving forward with your life after you’ve been wounded, your relationship will look different, and it might not ever be the same. That’s okay. You can love and forgive people without opening yourself up to further pain or whatever mistreatment they might want to inflict on you.