The powerful gift of the pencil

Not all pencils are created equal, and now I'm pickier than ever when it comes to my pencil of choice.  Why?  Our youngest son has forever ruined me when it comes to pencils.  

Whenever I write, it helps my creativity and thought process when I first write by hand and then type on my laptop.  I typically hand write my first drafts with paper and pencil.  I've always been a Ticonderoga pencil fan, and as bougie/bougee as it sounds, there's something to be said for the texture and the feel of writing in pencil on Moleskine paper.  I know it sounds geeky, nerdy, weird, but trust me it is true.

Since Klay already knew of my writing preferences and methods, he gifted me with a nice 2025 Moleskine planner and a set of Blackwing pencils.

Blackwing pencils collaborated with Moleskine, and it is pure tactile delight merging the two to write.  After a week or so of writing with the Blackwings, Tammy found they had their own line of pencil sharpeners and she surprised me with one.  I didn't even know about Blackwing a month ago, and now I have their complete set.  

Knowing your family/loved ones well enough to know what gifts to give them is a blessing in itself, like a recent gift our oldest gave us of a birdfeeder with a camera in it -- in our old age Tammy and I love to sit and watch the wild birds eat...  It might be a gift of your favorite beverage, or a gift card to your go-to restaurant, or a simple tee shirt or even a useful tool.  The value in the gift is the joy it brings and significance it holds for the receiver, not the price tag.

Yes, this all sounds a dorky as it can be enjoying pencils and paper and such, but it is the "little things in life" that sometimes make the best gifts.  Tammy is a gift-giver, it is her love language and she has passed this on to our four sons, because of her influence our boys are kind, generous, and thoughtful.  

Why are we so different than our families?

 

John Hurley and Ronnie Wilkins wrote a popular song about (what is perhaps the greatest church cliché ever), a wild preacher’s son. After Aretha Franklin originally turned it down, Dusty Springfield was the first artist to record it. Growing up as a preacher’s daughter, Franklin thought the song was disrespectful. After “Son of a Preacher Man” became a huge hit Franklin released her own version. The rest is, as they say, history.

Politics aside, a question we rarely ask is why do children often grow up to be completely different than their parents? Instead we are more interested in a corollary question: Why do people growing up in the same home with the same parents, in the same neighborhood, attending the same primary schools, receiving the same ethical instructions and values, turn out to be very different adults?

How can the same household simultaneously produce an atheist, an agnostic and a believer? What causes family members living under the same roof their entire childhood to grow up to be police officers, others pastors, while some end up as prison inmates? Why do some children grow up to be pacifists while their siblings retire from the armed forces? How can the same family produce a scholar and then a salesman, with an artistic child seated at the table with their analytic sibling?

Why, for example, did my wife and I get married as teenagers, but my only sibling, my older brother, wait until he was 33 to get married? How is it, of our four sons, one was completely disinterested in college, two started but left, and only one son graduated?

Can you think of anything more puzzling in this life than the question of sibling diversity? This question is probably as old as Cain and Abel. It seems like a combination of nature and nurture must play a role in developing our individualism. After all, it is within our human nature to seek out our independence and a desire to create our own unique identity. It also seems like the harder children are forced into a certain mold, the more they rebel against their parents.

What shapes our disposition and character more than our upbringing? Yet, children with the same upbringing are so different, what accounts for these changes?

Hopefully with a few years under their belt, parents adapt their parenting styles and gain better parenting skills. So yes, we parent our children differently over our years of parenting. Also as the years pass, different siblings in any given family are also exposed to a variety of cultural influences, a multitude of opportunities, and unexpected choices.

Then again, there is a lot of unanticipated envy and resentment when our children perceive favoritism among their siblings. Children can rebel out of spite, feeling their siblings were pampered while they themselves were overly punished. Other children happen to fall in with the wrong crowd.

Some are rescued by a godsend of a spouse.

Other than our parents, our friend circles are probably the strongest influence on our personal development. Consider Paul’s powerful warning in I Corinthians 15:33, “Do not be deceived, bad company corrupts good character/morals.” Yes birds of a feather do flock together.

The reality is, there are no carbon copies when it comes to our children — the same home that raised an addict can turn out doctors or school teachers. Also, there is no such thing as a foolproof formula for child rearing. We need to tread cautiously when we try to encourage other frustrated parents with the old “Train up a child in the way they should go...” phrase. Proverbs 22:6 isn’t a guarantee that if we parent properly our children will make all the best choices in life. Proverbs 22:6 is a principle for parenting, not a promise of perfection.

Life is unpredictable. Perhaps there is no satisfactory answer as to why one child grows up to be cowardly while the other is courageous or why one child is an athlete and the other is a bookworm. But I’m not sure the deepest mystery of the universe is “why” do our children grow up to be so different, compared to a much greater mystery to me. Namely, why does God give us free will in the first place?

Originally published here: https://www.timesnews.net/living/features/craig-cottongim-why-are-siblings-so-different/article_a2cc657e-770f-11ed-b4d9-43ba86d2d2f5.html?fbclid=IwAR3tQ1xdUwadnFoTiax828i6fsbIHnPEjhQ-oMgIc0kuZUvrHyh0SJhHah8

When you or a loved one is hospitalized:

A couple of days ago I was in the driveway talking “over the fence” with our next door neighbor. He’s trained as a medical professional, and myself being in ministry, we naturally discussed the current state of hospitalizations. We were talking about the complexity of navigating the medical world when a loved one is hospitalized -- we agreed, it isn’t easy for the average person who has no real experience in the otherworldly space of organized hospitals.

Presently, most everyone is thinking about their health or the well-being of their families. There's a good possibility you or yours will need to visit a hospital in your lifetime. Are you prepared?

After decades of being in ministry, my wife and I have made countless visits to the bedside of hospital patients. Our family has learned a few valuable lessons over the years about interacting in the strange world of hospitals. I’d like to pass on a few ideas that might be helpful as you or your loved ones face the intimidating prospect of staying in the hospital.

Discover the names of those in charge like the head nurse at the nurse’s station, the hospitalist, and any attending physicians. Any of their phone numbers you can acquire, add them to your phone’s contacts ASAP. Also, find out which pharmacy your medical staff has the best working relationship with. I find that our “mom & pop’s” pharmacies work harder for local people than anyone else, and perhaps your doctors share this belief.

Keep a notebook by the hospital bedside. Have family members take turns keeping notes so that there’s always someone in the room. Ask the names of nurses and doctors who check in, ask the medicines that they administer and the amounts, then record the time & dates. It doesn’t matter whether you recognize the medicines or if you can even pronounce the words. This small step helps the medical professionals stay on their toes, they will double check their work, and it reminds them you care too.

You’d be surprised at how many people who need a knee replacement wake up to find out the wrong knee was operated on. Don’t be bashful, remind your medical team what you are in need of or why. You have to advocate for your loved ones, or in some cases yourself. Most nurses and doctors are caring people, otherwise they wouldn’t be the medical field in the first place. But. There is a lot of “compassion fatigue” they have to overcome and deal with. Never forget they are by and large on your side, but they are overwhelmed with too many cases and they work long hours. A little reminder or some extra gentle nudging on your part might go further than you realize.

Ask for prayers. Yes our health is personal, but the prayers of the righteous are effective. When you are sick it feels natural to pull away, but this is a time when you need your faith community more than ever.

Most people have no idea how long it takes to be processed, to get a room, or even what it means to be discharged when your time is over -- it often takes a few hours to be released once you are discharged. Being patient as a patient is extremely difficult. Bring books, magazines, crosswords, or other items to help pass the time. I’ve found some people enjoy listening to music while they recuperate but most hospital rooms aren’t equipped with radios, so download an app on your phone.

There are times when you or a loved one simply will not recover, and the next move is hospice. As fatal as this sounds, this is a time when you really need someone to talk to. There are hospice chaplains as well as nurses, ask them how hospice works, what your role is, and what you should expect. No, things won’t just fall into place and it often won’t make sense, this is why you need to ask how it works from those who have dedicated their lives to hospice.

In the end, when it comes to navigating the medical world, having a good attitude is one of your best tools. Yes this crisis might be the biggest challenge you or your family has ever faced, and yes we have incredible technology and advanced medicines, but nothing can compete with matters of the heart. Write this verse on a sticky note and post in your room next time you or a loved one is in need, and reflect on it often, “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” (Prov 17:22)

May God renew your hope and may He bless you with healing whenever dark days descend on you or your loved ones. May God bless you with peace of mind, and may His Spirit bring you comfort always.

Demystifying the myth of the perfect family

We love them, we brag on them, we get frustrated and embarrassed by them, we go to bat for them and we go a little batty because of them. Families, we are all a part of one, even the ones that are coming apart.

Do you really know of anyone with a perfect family? You probably know a few people who try to portray the “picture perfect family” in public -- I can only guess how exhausting carrying on that charade is.

I like to joke that our family-tree is a stump. My great-grandfather was illegitimate, which back then was quite a scandal, but he kept his mother’s maiden name so really I don't know what our last name should be. Over the years we’ve lost relatives to AIDS and others to pills -- I could go on, but the dysfunction certainly didn’t end with my great-grandfather's upbringing. It’s funny how every family has the punk with a chip on their shoulder, a crazy uncle or the loony aunt or the cantankerous grandparent, though no one ever sees themselves personally as the weak-link. Even still, we typically have a difficult time admitting our family’s imperfections to others.

So much of our identity is wrapped up in our family of origin, maybe that’s why we struggle with being more transparent about the skeletons in our closet. I’m at peace with being part of an imperfect family and I hope to help you, here, come to grips with your family as well.

What’s wrong with masking our problems anyhow? Shouldn’t we portray strength and vitality? Isn’t that how we find love and acceptance from others? The only problem here is, being hypocritical is not how we receive those traits, and, if we are selling a lie we will always doubt the authenticity/integrity of the relationships we have others who we’ve been misleading about ourselves. Talk about a vicious cycle.

Besides, imagine you are an unchurched person or maybe you have been out of church for a while and you are getting back into the swing of things, either way, imagine you begin to participate with a church where everyone seems just so perfect. How well do you feel like you fit in at that point? The same could be said of the pastor. If your church leadership pretends they have a perfect family, how will those in the church (in the real world) ever be able to relate to you?

Also, imagine the embarrassment when your “perfect” family does something that goes public. In our age of social media, pretty much everything is eventually public. By the way parents, I highly encourage you to keep abreast of your children’s social media posts. There are plenty of things your kids post on Twitter and Facebook that need your attention ASAP.

At this point, the temptation is to cocoon yourself and cut off contact with the outside world. That’s fine, except you’ve just cut yourself off from your source of help. Yes God is the ultimate help and His Spirit is our ultimate comfort, but how do you think He most often ministers to us? It’s usually through others.

There are plenty of Biblical passages about how we should treat each other and interact within our families. Still, there is not a single example that I can find in the Bible of a perfect family. That’s not an excuse for any of us to mess up, it’s simply the truth that families are made up of imperfect people and we all could benefit from a little extra grace. Having high standards about family is good, but don’t confuse having standards with our ability to live them out perfectly.

To keep your sanity and be spiritually healthy, maybe consider admitting to your family’s inconsistencies. Reach out to others and ask for help. Somewhere between arrested development, teen-rebellion, mental health issues, addictions, infidelities, and criminal activity, we all share more in common than we let on.

I want to encourage you if you feel like your family is in a mess or is a mess: You are not alone, no one has a perfect family! You’re not alone, so please don’t alienate yourself either -- ask for prayers, advice, counsel, accountability, or whatever else might help. Please, please, please do not feel embarrassed by your situation and don’t allow any embarrassment to immobilize you or separate you from your friends, those fears come from satan and not from God.

We will thrive when

We live in strange times.  Though I imagine every generation thinks theirs is special, ours seems unique.  With all that’s going on these days, what could be missing?

Not long ago scientists discovered a tiny lizard, a chameleon, the size of an ant.  I can now browse the internet and “cast” a movie from my phone straight to my television, without using any wires.  Certain laws protect the speech of hate-mongers, but as we recently observed, instead of confronting racism our culture politicizes it without really improving the situation.  Meanwhile, across the pacific ocean there’s a dictator ruling a slim peninsula of land who is threatening our nation with nuclear destruction, but no one here seems to have a good way to handle him.  And earlier this week, millions of “eclipse tourists” traveled to watch the sun disappear in the middle of the day while a handful of others predicted these astronomical events were ushering in the Apocalypse.  

What’s going on?  With all of our advances and discoveries, life should be improving both in quality and satisfaction -- instead it seems like while we have more opportunities, we express less optimism.  We have so much potential, yet we seem fearful of the future.  

Perhaps too many people are living for “today” with no thought for tomorrow.   We live in the present, which in a sense is healthy, but being obsessed with the present isn’t.  Lately, we’ve attempted to rewrite our history in many circles while we’ve forgotten about our future in others.  

With all of the uncertainty that accompanies our global turmoil and the craziness that captures our nation as well, how are we supposed to move forward and keep our heads on straight?  It comes down to perspective.  It rests in being firmly rooted.  It depends on being anchored to something solid.    

I know you’re expecting me to say something about how we sharpen and perfect our perspective by focusing more on God.  While that’s true, the context in which God most often nurtures our lives is through family.   It’s not impossible, but it can be harder to stay devoted to God when we are disconnected from our families.  

Spiritually speaking, there seems to be a symbiotic relationship between how we understand/experience God and how we function as a family.  Honor your father and mother is in the same paragraph as don’t take the Lord’s name in vain.  God never said He hated divorced people, but He said He hated divorce because of its negative impact on the spiritual development of children (see Malachi 2:13-16).

Without being too simplistic, our fractured family structure is probably to blame for many if not most of our current woes.  Our culture experiences too much crime and when we’re not dealing with crime, it struggles with welfare concerns; these are easily traced to a breakdown in the home.  

There’s probably nothing more detrimental to our development than an absentee-father.  We can’t blame this poor estate of the modern family on a lack of education, we have more access to learning than at any other time in human history.  So is the church to blame?  

We are, by and large, products of our families.  Family can be messy, they can embarrass us, they can drain us, and they can wound us like no one else can.  Family also can be one of the greatest blessings this life has to offer.  

When was the last time you went to a family reunion?  When was the last time you enjoyed any inter-generational activity with family?  A meal with family members of different ages, or even a game night?  Family reminds us of where we have come from, what’s truly important today, and why our future is so special it deserves to be protected.

Does this mean that if I have the perfect family, my life will be perfect?  No.  But common sense tells us when we are more secure in our home we are more confident out in the world around us.  Perhaps, the best gift you can give your children might not be a good college education or a new car, it just might be the example you set for them on how you treat each other.   

If you have a healthy family, thank the good Lord above regularly and take some time to share your love and experience with those less fortunate.  If your family isn’t all it could be, pray for your family and purposefully spend more time with godly families who can help yours grow.  Families only thrive when family is a priority.  

Not everyone is smiling with you, but those who do count most

I can't believe it took me nearly 50 years to figure this out, but not everyone will celebrate your accomplishments with you.  In fact, some of the people you spend quite a lot of time with will take offense at your progress and they actually would like to hold you back.  Therefore, limit your exposure to those who don't want you to shine too brightly.

Unfortunately, not everyone is happy for you when you strive to improve yourself or your station in life, they can even get jealous or become envious.  Therefore, don't let the limitations others impose on you determine your goals, dreams, or ambitions.

Sadly, some people will distance themselves from you or become cold when you begin to advance yourself.  Not everyone thinks you should make your life better or that you should reach your goals.  Therefore, don't let others articulate for you what success is or dictate to you what's fair.

I'm blessed to enjoy the love & support of a great wife, I have the respect & encouragement of our sons, and we have some pretty solid rock'n friends who stand behind us.  Be cautious and selective with who you share life with, who you let your guard down with, and who's perspectives you embrace.

What to do when the holidays + family = stress

Family? You know, that group with whom you possibly share some DNA. They mostly consist of people you didn’t choose, but folks you are kind of stuck with all the same. If you’ve never had a major blowout, or wished you could avoid a family member who broke your heart, or you don’t have have an embarrassing relative, you don't need to read any further.

I truly love my wife and kids (along with their significant others), and our grandchildren -- but once you begin to widen that circle to include the rest, well, some of them drive me a little crazy. I imagine with the holidays now in full swing, you might be experiencing more family-time yourself, and this extra exposure can be slightly stressful for some of us. What can we do?

For starters, let’s all just be honest. Admitting that our families stress us out isn’t necessarily bad. You aren’t evil because you struggle with putting on a happy face over sharing a meal, or cringe at the thought of spending time with certain relatives. There’s so much sibling rivalry and family strife these days, it’s almost as if the label “dysfunctional” is moot. So, you don’t have to pretend to be something you aren’t.

How could this be? How could the people we are supposedly closest to, hurt us the most? How could loved ones wound us the deepest? I heard a fancy philosophical phrase that explains this whole thing: It is, what it is.

There’s probably more to it than that, but simply put, this is the way it is. Cain killed Abel. Joseph’s brothers tossed him in an empty well then quickly sold him into slavery, soaked his clothes in blood, and told their father he was probably gored by a wild animal. The Bible is filled with stories of families feuding with each other, and yet God continually fellowships with and uses fallible people to accomplish His will.

Maybe some of our strife stems from our selfishness; maybe there’s some blame to be laid at the feet of our fragmented society, I don't know why for sure. Pointing fingers probably won’t make anyone feel any better. Besides, only the people who have the greatest potential to bring us the most joy can truly hold the unique position in our hearts which can also bring us the greatest pain. Strangers might be able to lie to us, but we only feel betrayed by someone who is close to us.

Families disappoint us, they wound and they hurt each other. Some families simply fight and no amount of therapy or counseling seems to help fix them. They lash out at each other, they are mean & hateful, yet they are bound together all the same. Therefore, we as individuals need to be as healthy as possible.

Being a healing presence might just be the best present you can give your family this season.

You don’t have to repeat the same unhealthy patterns that have been modeled for you by people who share your last name. You don’t have to retaliate or payback family members who have mistreated you. You can be liberated, you can be free, you can choose to love and to bless despite the mess. You are not a prisoner of your heritage, you are someone who is promised full redemption and complete transformation as a child of God.

Taking a break from certain parts of your family for a season of life isn’t wrong, in fact sometimes it's necessary. Still, remember, this life is short. None of us are promised a tomorrow. Once a loved one is gone, it’s too late to tell them how much you loved them regardless of the problems you’ve shared.

This is a great time of year to reflect and to consider how you might rebuild some broken relationships, since the holidays make for a great excuse to reconnect -- if you so choose. These days can provide a safe way to reach out to those who we miss or we know we’ll miss once they are gone. And remember, if you aren’t sure who the wacky one in your family is, it might just be you.

Feeling blessed

Dash holding Evelyn Kay Cottongim for the 1st time

I know I should go straight to bed now, it's almost midnight and we are pouring 60 yards of concrete at 7:00 in the morning.  This past Friday evening, Tammy and I drove through the night arriving in Little Rock around 6:30 a.m., which meant we were up for over 24 hours.  We made it in plenty of time; Evelyn Kay Cottongim arrived healthy and whole Saturday at 5:32 p.m.  Today, I drove back home.  By time the week is out, I'll be needing to change the oil in our car again.

I'm tired, but I'm feeling rather blessed.  Being a grandparent is nothing new to mankind, but it surprising how joyful it is.  While Tammy and I took care of Dash for a little while this weekend, he told me to tickle him and he ran around their house giggling, wanting to be chased.  Evelyn is a beautiful baby girl, and thankfully Laura and Evelyn are both 100% healthy after a lonnnngggg labor.  And, I'm so proud of our son Drew, he's now going experience something I never have, raising a daughter.  I can't wait to see how this baby girl will transform our entire family.  

God is good.  We know God is good, but it's times like this as we celebrate a newborn's arrival that we are reminded of the gift of family, life, and love.  All I can really say is, I'm so thankful to be part of this -- so blessed to be able to see & experience this wonderful gift.  I could say so much more, but I think the picture above is worth more than a thousand words.

The "Intern" sells Success at what cost?

This past week I went to see the Intern with two of our sons.  It was a good movie, even though the underlying message which came through wasn't so great.  There were many worthwhile leadership/mentoring lessons in the movie, along with highlighting the need for intergenerational relationships, and the plot was well written.

De Niro's character is a retired widower who experienced a long career, goes to a lot of funerals, who after he has traveled the world in his retirement, he is so bored and unfulfilled he longs to be back (at age 70) in the office once more.  Hathaway's character is a Thirty-something career-driven mom, with a stay at home dad.  She neglects sleeping and eating, and her family.  

In the end, the Intern glosses over the sacrifices people make to achieve success, even though the damage to Hathaway's life isn't marginalized in the plot.  De Niro who "fathers" Hathaway and encourages her to eat well and sleep more, still tells her in the end she should pursue her path and not feel guilty about it or take the blame for the fallout in her marriage.  And there's the catch.

Had the screenplay been written with the roles reversed, or even if it portrayed an all male cast, people wouldn't have blinked an eye.  But, they placed Hathaway's role as a wife & mom who seeks to run a successful startup online company.  This was all done to disguise the movie's moral code.  In other words, the audience risks feeling sexist if we deny Hathaway her shot at glory.  But the point isn't about gender.

In reality, the trade off De Niro admires which Hathaway embraces -- where you sacrifice personal and more so family health for work, comes up short.  I believe in hard work, and having a strong work ethic.  On the surface, this movie seems to promote this too, claiming the seductive lure of hard work always leads to success.  

Really though, afterwards, I questioned the lack of valuing "balance" in the plot, that balance between work and life which helps us enjoy the fruit of our labors... and the need for our culture to redefine success.