How can we better support grieving people

When terrible times hit you the hardest, you won’t need anyone to tell you to grieve or how to grieve, we don’t need to be taught that. But, I do think we can all learn how to better support other people while they are grieving. 

I’m amazed at the dumb things that can come out of our well-intentioned mouths. We shouldn’t feel like we have to have the perfect explanation or the just-perfect words to comfort people who are agonizing over a death, loss, or tragedy. When anyone, for example, suffers the loss of a loved one we feel a bit anxious and we try our best to comfort them. Unintentionally, we often say things that are either callous or that possibly makes matters worse.

Yes, people who experience the loss of a loved one want to make sense of their suffering and they wonder how long their pain will last. But, they really don’t expect you to explain away or solve their problem.

People who grieve do not need to ever hear, “God needed another Angel,” “They’re in a better place now/they aren’t suffering anymore,” “Everything happens for a reason,” “God never puts more on you than you can handle,” or maybe the worst phrase we can offer, “I know exactly how you feel.” Instead, what they really need, most often, is a gentle hug and a listening ear.

Those in the midst of suffering aren’t expecting you to solve their problems or provide answers to the hard questions. Sometimes they simply need to know you are praying for them and you are there for them.

My dad passed away last week and I’m still getting a lot of support from our church, friends, and family. When my mom recently passed away in September, I received comforting calls and cards and messages from people far and wide. One of the kindest gestures that truly touched me was a card informing me that Jeff Fleming sponsored a tree for the Keep Kingsport Beautiful Tree Fund in honor of my mom -- it sent an emotional message that resonates deep within my soul to this day. My mother would’ve appreciated Jeff’s kind act and it meant a lot to me too. Any act of kindness and support goes much further than some of the silly phrases we fumble through when we don’t know what to say.

Being present for someone while they are hurting, offering your help through small acts of kindness, listening to them or simply sitting silently and crying together without trying to fix the situation is more powerful and convincing than sharing a silly canned speech about pain and suffering. Again, save your pearls of wisdom for another time because a warm hug and a listening ear will do them more good than our words ever will.