Why do bad things happen…

 

Like a one-two knockout combo punch, recent events have floored me.  First, a hugely influential mentor I once depended heavily on for guidance left his family in disgrace, and secondly and even worse, a cherished friend who suffered years of estrangement from his children after his divorce just lost his 18 year old son in a tragic motorcycle accident.  I have plenty of tears, but I have no words.

Many years ago I suffered through deep perplexing questions I couldn’t answer.  That existential crisis led me to pursue my first graduate degree where I studied Christian Apologetics. Apologetics isn’t about saying you’re sorry, it’s from the Greek word “apologia” meaning “defence,” it’s the word we see in I Pet 3:15, “always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you...”

Yet, after years of listening to lectures, reading books, and writing papers, I still hadn’t found a satisfactory silver bullet to explain all the evil and suffering in the world.  I re-read the Book of Job sometime after graduation and though it offers no explanation, I thought to myself, its conclusion sufficed.    

I am still at a loss to explain away “why” bad things happen but I still see the value in my studies.  It was one of the best courses of action I took, Seminary was life changing, it opened my eyes and expanded my mind on so many levels and I am extremely grateful for the experience, but the fact that I can’t explain away the evil that pervades this world doesn’t disprove God’s existence or His love, instead it points out in my mind our limitations.  

Whether you subscribe to the idea it’s from our misuse of our free-will or that it is built into the fabric of the cosmos to teach some esoteric lesson, like C.S. Lewis thought with his “soul-building universe” where Lewis thought sufferings developed our character, we all demand answers.  In case you were wondering, “Theodicy” is the fancy theological word for the mental gymnastics we do to justify why God allows the worst to happen -- God doesn’t ask us to make excuses for Him, nor does He need us to.

It is humbling to admit we don’t know, we don’t have an answer, we can’t explain it away.  God has His reasons, and we simply can’t comprehend those reasons.  To say God is all-loving and all-powerful yet the world is filled with evil, suffering, and a lot of pain seems like a contradiction or the ultimate cliché.  Understandably so, many people walk away from the faith or flat out reject faith based on this problem.  

You might find this interesting though.  The brightest contemporary atheists who study philosophy and debate these abstract intellectual ideas have abandoned the argument of evil to support their views, giving up on that line they themselves have concluded that pointing out ultimate evil required admitting there was a standard for ultimate good.  

Once I proudly thought I could rationalize, explain, and then offer wise words to comfort or heal pretty much any situation.  No longer.  These days I find it’s better to listen than to try to talk.  Asking those devastated “How are you doing?” is, well, not always helpful -- obviously the folks who are suffering are in pain, so that nervously asked question is more for us than for them.  Maybe instead ask, “What can I do/how should I pray -- for you?” 

Selective “do you remember when…?”

 

You already know we form better bonds with friends, quality relationships that can be closer & stronger than with those we have with people who share our DNA, folks we pick up with where we left off with even after decades apart, people who feel closer to us than our own siblings.  People who welcome us, accept us, and authentically love us for who we are — yes it’s the heart of camaraderie that beats best.  What you might not have considered, is that even people who share our last name or who know us well won’t understand us in the way some-certain friends do. 

I’ll go even further, there are stories we are part of that many people will through no fault of their own misunderstand, they simply can’t comprehend us or where we are coming from.  You will enjoy sharing certain stories only with the people who were part of the experience or who have endured similar struggles.

Our “brothers in arms” can relate when our relatives can’t.   There is something hollow in the retelling of a personal story when your audience operates from an alien perspective.   Something feels lost in the translation. You will have a greater sense of satisfaction keeping your story to yourself when you feel prompted to share it with strangers you know, they being strangers to your circumstances that is.  If you tell someone about a situation and they have no actual context to draw from or connection to the situation, you as the storyteller will feel empty and let down afterwards.  

People who have never sailed out of sight of the visible shoreline will never appreciate the tragedy of being shipwrecked. It is self-delusional to assume that our story is interesting or entertaining to those without a proper point of reference. 

This is why it is more gratifying when we start out with “do you remember when…?” with old friends. Shared stories are more satisfying when we share them with the ones who were there.   Why?  Because the struggle of the situation formed them as well.   Similarly, if I share a tough time I went through in ministry with someone who has never been in ministry, they can’t connect with me, but if I’m sharing the same story with someone who has been in ministry elsewhere , they know what I’m talking about.   

Properly understood, “inside jokes” are not engineered to alienate outsiders, inside jokes align or of you will, realign old friendships, cementing the bonds.  These days I’m choosing to be more selective with “did I ever tell you about the time…?” and instead I’m cherishing the “do you remember the time…?”

We might not be able to understand or appreciate everyone else’s struggles and the stories they tell, but we can all relate to this passage, Proverbs 14:10, “The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy.”  

“Handcrafting hope: Fired up Healing after Helene” & A craft as old as civilization itself

Five weeks after Helene dumped an unprecedented amount of rain in our region, we were grateful for the reopened lane on HWY 26 crossing the Nolichucky river on our side of Sam’s gap. Why were we crossing the one lane bridge Friday night? My wife and I made our annual pilgrimage to the WNC pottery festival.

It’s on the first Saturday in November, and each year thousands of people gather to witness an art as old as civilization itself. Handcrafted clay and ceramic, pieces of pottery of every shape imaginable, ranging from $3.00 to $3000.00 are all on display and available to purchase.

If you can envision an outdoor art studio in one of the most scenic settings imaginable, then you get the picture. Situated in Sylva, artisans from near and far trickled in and set up Friday evening in a dull cool drizzle. The festival is held just across the train-tracks from the cinematic backdrop scene that locals will cheerfully tell you made it the movie “Deliverance” starring Burt Reynolds.

The autumn foliage is barely past its zenith for peak colors, but the setting is breathtaking. It’s the type of place you picture in your mind when listening to an old Tom T. Hall song, where shop owners still play Loretta Lynn on their CD players and can be seen shamelessly smoking, standing out on the sidewalk while they watch cars and people pass them by.

Under the shadow of the iconic Jackson County Courthouse, these days it’s their public library, stationed majestically on its hillside, you’ll experience the same idyllic Mayberry feel that draws tourists to many of the towns throughout rural North Carolina. Quaint is an understatement and Sylva feels like a town almost captured in a time capsule.

Saturday morning started off foggy but by noon it was as warm as a summer afternoon. If you look closely enough at the festival’s banner just outside Bridge Park, you can still see Dillsboro faintly in its background; these days Dillsboro is covered over by Sylva. Because of its popularity, I imagine this change of venue is disheartening for the folks in Dillsboro.

By chance, my wife and I have received what’s called a Golden ticket, this allows us with a few others to enter the festival 30 minutes before they open it to the public to get the first glimpses and opportunities to snatch up our choices of pottery. Reminiscent of the old saying like a bull in a China shop, the ticket booth has a polite sign saying no pets please, and for good reason, there is valuable handcrafted pottery stacked precariously on tables and shelving units throughout the festival.

The traffic through the ticket booth remained steady, all through the morning the festival swelled in attendance until the crowded booths overflowed with people. In the recent wake of hurricane Helene, the region's worst catastrophe in recent memory, instead of the vibe you’d expect like the desperation of a neighborhood rummage sale, there’s an air of optimism among the vendors.

There’s good reason to be hopeful and positive even in the midst of the unresolved chaos, it’s not just the huge crowds that continue to gather, it’s their bonds as potters that ties them together. Pockets of people and potters are constantly chattering about their flooded basement or a barn that washed away, and in somber tones they discuss the ongoing cleanup and loss. Clearly, there is nothing like a crisis to cement the bonds of a community.

The ratio of those gray haired to college recruits was hard to miss. The overwhelming majority of the people and the potters appear to have graduated from high school when Nixon was still in office. There were a few younger folks mingled in, but not many.

Much like baring your soul at an AA meeting, to set up a booth here requires a certain depth of vulnerability.  It’s hard to know how much time they spend preparing for these shows and then the time to setup and breakdown afterwards.  These vendors have to possess a special type of bravery and be able to handle the uncertainty of the crowd’s fickle tastes and receptivity to their wares, besides the intimidation of being stationed alongside the best of the best.

Looking around from booth to booth you will discover an extravagant assortment of glazes, shapes, and colors. There is pottery that is functional and decorative, providing everyone with a difficult decision on where to spend their discretionary dollars. The pottery offerings are both wonderful and whimsical.

There is everything you can think of that could be made out of pottery, from Appalachian bread warmers, to French butter bells, to the plain bizarre. From sensational ascetics to the abstract art of Steampunk, from candleholders to clocks, from jewelry to ornaments, from pie-plates to casserole dishes, an absolutely amazing display of imagination and creativity surrounds you. From water pitchers to flower planters, coffee mugs to soup bowls, from birdhouses to hummingbird feeders, from the complex to the simple, this festival offers a cornucopia of creative brilliance.

The potters themselves are an inspiration to watch in action as well. All day long they are constantly engaging with and encouraging their customers to handle their wares while they field all sorts of questions. “Yes it’s microwave and dishwasher safe, yes it works, no that was the last one.” and on and on it goes.

These potters patiently practiced a unique type of customer service. Like Old World shopkeepers with dirt under their fingernails, they maintain a pleasant attitude while trying to give each customer their full attention while they attempt to exchange money with the previous customer. There’s an art to juggling the centrifugal force of a crowd of customers and I imagine it is emotionally exhausting to try to keep a smile and to genuinely thank dozens of people and exchange money over the shoulder with one person and carry on a conversation with another, all without employees to help run the cash register.

From the subdued and subtle to the interactive, there’s a variety of potters participating in the festival’s live demonstrations. On the clock there are seasoned potters scheduled to sit at the wheel, throwing all day long and offering titbits of advice for the novices who watch. Of all of those scheduled, none of the events gather a crowd like Joe’s raku firing. 

 

Part of Joe Frank McKee’s charm is his shtick that octogenarian women swoon over. He carries himself like the cool uncle who takes you to get your first tattoo. His personality is a clever combination of wit and wisdom.

He dresses the part, he wears shorts no matter the weather, his shirts always have ragged sleeves, I’ve never seen him without his worn out Crocs, but his mischievous eyes are the most outstanding of his grizzled features. Bearing a slight resemblance to Timothy Leary in the eyes, hands down, Joe steals the show every year. I know from experience because my wife and I have come for well over a decade and we’ve seen him enthrall many an audience.

Joe’s showmanship is a blend of part guru, part hippie, and part stand-up comedian. If you close your eyes and just listen to him, the cadence of Joe’s voice almost sounds like Bill Murray. Watching his ever present smile behind his gray, nicotine stained beard leaves the impression he either enjoyed reading Salinger or watching Belushi on SNL when he snuck his first sip of beer.

It is obvious Joe is loving the interaction with his mesmerized crowd, He is energized by their interaction and as he pulls a previously bisque fired piece of pottery out of an insulated garbage can that is heated by propane to around 1500 degrees Fahrenheit, he sprays alcohol on the hot pottery and lights his raku piece like a chef working the hibachi grill, cracking jokes the entire time.

The raku firing creates such a draw because the pottery pieces somehow undergo a metamorphosis through oxidation, leaving them with a metallic appearance. With a faint hint of Southwestern artwork, creating colors similar to a cloudy sunset drenched in a rainbow, even the smallest of these pieces of raku pottery easily fetches a few hundred dollars.

With a gardener’s spray jug, Joe pumps up the air pressure and saturates the heated piece of clay with alcohol, he ignites the piece of pottery while rotating it on a spinning wheel, then carefully choosing the sprayer with water and douses it. Then, he hoists the hot pottery from the wheel, places it in a bed of sand, lays a piece of paper on top of the piece of pottery for the carbon process (sometimes he will sprinkle sweeteners or even place horsehair on the pottery) and he quickly covers the scorched pot with a glass bowl creating an instant vacuum.

To build even more suspense, Joe announces that one of his groupies has a stopwatch and is giving Joe a four minute countdown. Embracing his celebrity status, Joe generates a Mystic’s type of drama for his audience as he explains in great detail the unpredictable and capricious nature of raku. Joe brags about his “Pottery groupies” seated at his feet like disciples in their folding camp chairs, telling the rest of us they are a faithful group that has followed him for 15 years and running.

During Joe’s demonstration he fumbles his second pot he pulled from the heated garbage can, nearly dropping it on the ground as the crowd gasped in unison “oooohhhhhhh no!” Like a lion tamer saving the crowd from being maimed or eaten, Joe quickly recovered both the pottery and his composure.

Even though Helene ravaged this region merely 5 weeks ago, there is ongoing damage beyond the destruction. For the folks who set up here, this is not a hobby for them, it’s how they earn their livelihood. Life has gone on for many people in the region, but there’s a ripple effect from the disaster, with many of the bridges and roads still out multiple craft fairs have unfortunately been canceled all across the region for the foreseeable future. Yet, these potters rely on these festivals to earn their money.

Clearly, these potters do not see each other as competition, there is definitely a palpable sense of community. I overhear a couple of potters even talking about a ceramics charitable fund that’s being started for the Flood.

Joe confides in me that they have a conclave of around 24 fellow potters who were planning another festival, but 14 of their friends are missing, they have not been able to make contact with the 14 potters since the hurricane. Joe averts his eyes and fidgets with some of his pieces and shares with me that when the festival is over and all of the potters have packed up, he and his colleagues will drive the back roads until they find their 14 missing friends who are still unaccounted for.

Here’s a time Tammy and I had another memorable pottery experience https://www.citizen-times.com/story/life/2014/09/15/visiting-pottery-gods-ashevilles-highwater-clays/15693869/

The blind ignorance of virtue signaling

 

A popular (stale I should say) meme that flows like leftover gravy this time of year that is meant to shame you if you are in favor of securing our southern border, building the wall, or simply enforcing our immigration laws. Many who think this worn-out meme backs up their views on laxer immigration laws might be missing the point of it all. 

Or there’s this meme of Shame:

Somehow you are not a good Christian if you think immigration laws exist for a reason, and you shamefully have disowned your faith because you have hardened your heart to wandering alien.   

Hogwash.  

The native Americans didn't have a written constitution like we have, or any written laws pertaining to immigration, and, they were very territorial themselves with the differing tribes.  The Bible implies God established kingdoms and their rulers, and those living in the land need to obey the law of the land.  Therefore, people who desire to live here need to follow the laws applied to U.S. citizenship.

Thankfully, the pilgrims received the hospitality they did.  If you want to shame Americans today into opening our borders, Thanksgiving isn't the way.  The native Americans were not natives to this hemisphere.  They themselves traveled here, some from Asia, some from northeastern Europe.  

There is irrefutable historical evidence Egyptians, Mediterranean sailors, and Mideasterners all traveled and traded with the people living in the Western Hemisphere as early as 7000 BC.  So the pilgrims were not the first white people to try to settle here.  And, the chances are that the Indians who hosted the pilgrims on the first thanksgiving more than likely wrested their chunk of land away from a previous occupant.

To make matters worse, people try to tie Bible passages in with this meme, as if defending your country's borders is anti-Christian.  Paul observed, respected, and obeyed Roman laws pertaining to his status as a citizen, and invoked those privileges when it benefited him.  Both the Old and New Testament have instruction on obeying the laws of the land, respecting authorities, and the value boundaries.  

I have no idea what the agenda is of people who think this meme and what it represents somehow diminishes the necessity of proper immigration statuses.  It is not callous or ungracious to expect people to enter our country legally and follow the proper channels to attain citizenship.  It is fair and kind, we are not closed to the world, we have reasons to ask people to respect our path to citizenship.   It’s not much different locking your front door at night or your car, you do not let just anyone drive your car or take up residence in your home without your permission.  

It is civilized to follow the laws of the land you seek to belong to.  And contrary to this virtue signaling meme, each and every country requires defined boundaries and borders to be recognized as a country, disrespecting this basic principle erodes the very foundation of civilization and that would be unchristian. 

Solving Homelessness

 

Homelessness carries a certain type of stigma and we shy away from anything that causes us to cringe; we also feel powerless to solve this complex situation even if we feel like we are experts on any issue.  We like to believe we are generous and we like to feel good about ourselves, so at least if we are not negative about the homeless maybe we can congratulate ourselves on being nice, but being nice requires action since attitude alone is insufficient.

Do we really want a tent-city sprouting up like a patch of weeds in a sidewalk crack in our downtown?  Are there homeless people choosing to be homeless, can they really-truly be helped with their drug addictions or mental health issues or multitude of other struggles, and what will we do with the words of Jesus in Matthew 25:34-46? 

We can all agree that a safer, cleaner, healthier Kingsport is best for us all.  But, is there even a solution that we can all agree on, get on board with, and cooperate with?      

It’s convenient to have someone to point to and blame and then have someone to look to who can fix the problems but who is responsible for the homeless dilemma or for solving it?  Housing costs money, but it’s hard to find employment without a drivers license or an address to write down on your application.  Can the city simply throw money at the problem to solve it or is this a spiritual matter for the church to resolve?  

It is a lose-lose situation from the looks of it on social media; any observations are deemed judgmental and callous, any suggestions are shot down as pipe dreams and unrealistic.  The Monarchs of the monitor, the Knights of the keyboards, the brave warriors of social media who spew their worthless wealth of wisdom from the comfort of their couches or from their exalted porcelain thrones while mindlessly scrolling through their phones, they like to wound with words and only seem to know how to criticize and complain, to shame and to blame, while never ever lifting a finger to fix the problems they point out so freely in their fault finding crusades.  

Twice a year the homeless population is on everyone’s radar -- when the weather warms up and transient people seem everywhere all at once and then again when the weather turns cold.  As the flowers bloom many complain about the homeless people, what a nuisance and eyesore they are, how they smell, they look shabby, they are downtrodden, but then as the leaves turn and the first frost hits suddenly our community gains a little compassion and we feel obligated to shelter our less fortunate. 

Unless you have spent extensive time with the homeless, your opinion is uninformed and it carries very little credibility -- we need to stop feeling pressured by uninvolved citizens who try to silence you on social media who only know how to manipulate feelings but who have never applied any elbow grease to solve the homeless situation.  We can either continue to enable or we can begin to equip the homeless -- if you want to be part of the solution, call and offer to help serve, donate, or participate with one of the many organizations already at work on this but please do your due diligence and make sure their values and longterm goals align with yours.  

Mature perspectives need to prevail for Christians and election results: Responding to the 47th president

I stayed up until after 2:00 in the morning watching the results come in, it was a stressful evening to say the least.  I have friends and family members on both sides of the political divide, I'm seeing some rejoice and celebrate today, and others lament the election results, some flaunting and rubbing it in, others deeply grieved, I am not seeing a lot of balance on social media and that is the goal of this post, to bring some balance into perspective... 

When one pollical party takes power and one loses power, there is a shift in attitude and an exaggeration of jeopardizing democracy and liberty, this pendulum swings back and forth every time.  Mature believers will abstain from demoralizing language, regardless if their choice won or lost, and this should be true in each and every election we participate in.   

Why? Because of God’s role in setting up world-leaders. According to the Bible, “He changes times and seasons; he removes kings and sets up kings; he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding.” (Daniel 2:21 ESV). And who is front and center on Daniel’s mind as he says this? Nebuchadnezzar, the same one who ordered the destruction of Jerusalem and subsequently exiled God’s people. In Jeremiah 25:9 & 27:6, Jeremiah said Nebuchadnezzar was God’s servant!

Nebuchadnezzar was an idolatrous-bloodthirsty dictator, and paradoxically God handed the world to him on a silver platter, Dan 2:37-38, "37 You, O king, the king of kings, to whom the God of heaven has given the kingdom, the power, and the might, and the glory, 38 and into whose hand he has given, wherever they dwell, the children of man, the beasts of the field, and the birds of the heavens, making you rule over them all—you are the head of gold."

Every election cycle is portrayed as the most vital one to date; each new election cycle is hyped-up more than the last one. Americans are constantly being told that this is “the most important election ever in our Nation’s history.” We are cautioned, our “Liberty is at stake,” we are warned our “freedoms and way of life” are on the line -- this hyperbolic propaganda is repeated around the clock, all the while ignoring God's role in assigning positions of authority.

Our way of voting is rather new. The Bible was written in the historical context of monarchies and Theocratic imperialism. If you search your Bible forever you won’t find the words “Democratic elections” or “Voters rights.” Instead, we read: “First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, 2 for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way.” (I Timothy 2:1-2)

“Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. 2 Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment.” (Romans 13:1-2)

“Be subject for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, 14 or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good. 15 For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people. 16 Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. 17 Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.” (I Peter 2:13-17)

In other words, from these three passages, it is not up to us to establish the political leadership. It is our obligation to be submissive to political leaders and to pray for them, regardless of whether we agree or disagree with them.

Further yet, consider Jesus’ response to Pilate’s interrogation in John 18:36-37, “36 Jesus answered, “My kingdom is not of this world. If my kingdom were of this world, my servants would have been fighting, that I might not be delivered over to the Jews. But my kingdom is not from the world.” 37 Then Pilate said to him, “So you are a king?” Jesus answered, “You say that I am a king. For this purpose I was born and for this purpose I have come into the world—to bear witness to the truth. Everyone who is of the truth listens to my voice.”

As the church we have an obligation to live faithfully, even in a world rife with political corruption -- we are blessed today with unimaginable freedoms that allow us to participate in our elections, this serious obligation is not to be taken lightly. Ultimately, as we participate in and observe political results we must consider, our kingdom isn't of this world, “But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ...” (Philippians 3:20)

Satisfaction as "second Fiddle"???

 Two songs I love deeply were made famous by artists other than the writer and original performer of the songs.  Years would go by before the videos were shot of the "new" renditions, and the song-writers made "cameo" appearances in the videos and most people have no clue.  I wonder how the creators of the great content felt playing "second fiddle" to the more popular musicians?  

First example: The guy on the slide guitar off to the right of your screen is Darrel Scott, he wrote "never leave Harlan alive" but most people who know the song have no idea.  

The same is true for "Poncho & Lefty"  Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard made it poplar, but Townes Van Zandt wrote it, and most people do not know that either.   Van Zandt makes a modest cameo in the video for the first time a 1:01 in the video, he's seated a table: 

I think most of us struggle for recognition and we crave receiving credit where credit is due.  I think for Darrel Scott and Townes Van Zandt, it had to be tough to see someone else in the spotlight getting all the attention for their hard work, but neither seems to struggle with it from all outward appearances.  

I think the lesson here is that seeing your efforts and creations go further than you ever took them or further than your capability to carry them is rewarding in itself.  If we have the proper attitude, we can find satisfaction without the spotlight.   

Frenemies

One of my favorite lines from Bob Seger's song "Against the Wind" is when he sings, "The years rolled slowly past, And I found myself alone, Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends, I found myself further and further from my home, and I Guess I lost my way..." Sadly in life, posers parade as your friend, but they are not.

As a parent and now a grandparent, there's not much more that can break your heart than seeing your child/grandchild struggle to have genuine friends. The older I get, the tighter my circle gets, and the less tolerance I have for frenemies.

How do we know who our "real" friends are? It's amazing that you could spend decades thinking your friendship was real, but with some shallow people they are more shadow than substance.

Frenemies base the strength of their fragile relationships on the depth of how well you agree with them, they are unable to form relationships with people who think differently than they do, your opinion easily offends them when it contradicts their views on any subject, politics, religion or what have you.  Real friends on the other hand, value the benefit of dialogue and appreciate sharing differing views, consider Prov 27:17 for example, "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."  

Sometimes it's easier to spot fake friends than true ones. One red flag is when a “friend” talks condescendingly to you about a mutual friend you have in common. Remember, people who gossip to you will gossip about you. They are incapable of being vulnerable with you. They are more interested in digging into your family & work problems than divulging any personal dirt on themselves; they themselves are always guarded about their own personal life, but they are eager to hear your problems, pretending they care about you but really they have ulterior motives.  Since they can't control you, they want to control how others see you.  

Some people are great at asking for favors, but somehow they struggle to express their appreciation.  It almost makes you feel like you’re being used, well, because you are.  They use you to feel better about themselves, it is a one sided relationship based on their terms. They almost treat their relationships like a rivalry or competition, not to mention the relationships of shallow people are always transactional.

Keep an eye out and pay attention to the folks who will either distance themselves or draw closer to you whenever you improve yourself personally or your circumstances. The folks who withdraw from you when you grow are envious and they can't celebrate your victories, the ones who can celebrate with you are free of jealousy and are genuinely happy for you.

Beyond all what sounds like a lot of gloom & doom here, there’s actually some good that comes from realizing not everyone who acts like they’re your friend isn’t. The best friendships are the ones that stand the test of time, you always pick up right where you left off, there's a mutual respect and appreciation for each other, and a genuine depth of joy whenever either of you does well in life and a shoulder to lean on when life doesn't.

We will be like the people we surround ourselves with, so being selective is important, like Paul wrote in I Cor 15:33, "Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”  The more you surround yourself with people who can cheer you on and rejoice when you achieve your goals, who can sincerely be empathic in tough times, and who can lightheartedly banter with you over the trivial things in life, the more satisfactory relationships you will enjoy.

What you need to know Before you express your appreciation during Pastor's appreciation month:

 

This is pastor appreciation month and I am treated better than I deserve; I feel blessed to be part of a church that loves my family and encourages us, so no sour grapes here from me! I can’t complain about the church we minister with — instead I simply want to lift the curtain and allow you a sneak peek into a world you think you know but you really don’t.

Certainly every profession has its challenges that most outsiders, through no fault of their own, fail to comprehend. Nurses carry heavy workloads enduring long hours and often are unfairly pitted between patients and doctors. School administrators learn early on you will never please everyone. Police officers, often disrespected and challenged by the public they serve and protect, risk their lives to maintain law and order. Serving others is uniquely difficult and feels thankless at times.

Until you have entrusted your livelihood into the hands of volunteers who feel they hold a lot of sway over how you spend your money, where you live, what you drive, how you dress, what you can and cannot say, same for the movies you watch, not to mention decisions they want to make for your whole family, you will never know the stress and the anxiety of many pastors. Pocket-watchers are always curious wondering what pastors do all day -- they wouldn’t know how our time is spent because few pastors will toot their own horn.

Regardless of the size of the congregation, most pastors wake up thinking about their churches, and throughout the day are in prayer for their congregations, emailing or texting with or talking on the phone or in person, and this goes on until they hit their pillow, every single day of every week. This has nothing to do with the multitude of other responsibilities like writing bulletin articles, sermon preparations, organizing events, being a liaison with the community, or recruiting people to serve.

We are available and on call 24/7/365, we never shut our phones off in case of a crisis, we come home early from vacations and miss family meals often. We do not have regular hours, there can be a death, an ER visit to attend to, an emergency counseling session, or an impromptu Bible study -- all scheduling can go out the window without a moment’s notice.

As rewarding as ministry is, there are significant sacrifices and struggles within the home of pastors that many church members take for granted and are unaware of. We don’t clock out at the end of the day and disconnect from work. We don’t have a switch to flip or a conveyor belt to unplug. Our work goes everywhere we go.

Pastoral families forfeit much of their privacy. The pastor’s personal life is made more public than perhaps in any other profession, the church knows your income, your phone number, and much more than church-member’s co-workers know about each other. Often pastor’s children unfairly grow up in a fishbowl, those same kids who are criticized & judged for being wild at times because just like the old saying, “the cobbler’s kids go barefoot.”

Where do pastors find new ideas or the time to prepare “interesting” lessons that captivate everyone’s attention and apply to the whole age-range of the congregation, or even plan out a future sermon series? It’s hard to pump water from an empty well, yet there is precious little extra time to fill your mind and remain creative in this fast paced world. The demands of ministry can drain you spirituality, mentally, and emotionally, yet Sunday rolls around every week and the pulpit won’t wait.

There’s an insecurity many pastors hide deep within, worried they can fulfill their calling. Who could imagine they could stand in the gap between this world and the next, between the temporary and the eternal, and make a difference in the lives of people who treat church attendance as if it were optional?

Not feeling well? Beautiful weather and a good day to hit the lake? Long week and you want to catch up on your sleep Sunday morning? Pastors do not enjoy the luxury of skipping church on a whim.

The pressures real and perceived to deliver relevant, timely, and interesting messages over and over again, carrying the concern of your flock’s souls, worries about lost folks, dealing with antagonism & conflict, managing multiple expectations, planning worship services, balancing other responsibilities, these all can overwhelm anyone soon enough. Few people knock on the pastor’s door asking how they can help, they knock on the door and ask you for more -- if you wonder about pastoral burnout, you don’t have to ask if it’s real.

Ministry truly is a labor of love; it’s complex, demanding, draining, demoralizing at times, yet it’s wonderfully fulfilling and rewarding. Sadly not every pastorate is as wonderful as our family’s experience is these days, but now that you have a better glimpse into pastoral life, hopefully you will feel sincere in showing your pastors you appreciate them. Too many pastors only hear from those who express their disappointments, so if you have a pastor please prioritize telling them how much you appreciate all they and their family do.

Before you use this common phrase think again

  

I've seen several friends all across the spectrum of conservative-liberal/spiritual-secular post the above phrase, and after giving it much thought, I want to share my opinion about the deeper meaning I think I see in this phrase without offending the folks who have shared the phrase.  Just because I don't like this phrase doesn't mean I don't like you.  

A popular, rather cute & clever saying parading about under the guise of being the bigger person, is actually, in my opinion, one of the most condescending, judgmental, critical statements floating around the internet these days, again in my opinion.  Basically what the statement (pictured above) is asserting, while masked in politeness, is that you are above the other person, you are far superior to them, they are really just a mouth breather, MAGA supporter, right-winger, degenerate, liberal, ignorant, backwards, whatever you disagree with person. 

The main problem I see with this phrase: How arrogant to assume you can assess their ability to engage in an argument before you have heard them out?  The statement asserts you know their mind better than they do, before you even try to resolve an issue you get the privilege of determining if they are "mature" enough to grapple with your point of view.  .  

The self-righteous statement is completely disingenuous, you get to pretend that your debate opponent is unworthy of your time because they are simply not as smart as you, they do not represent the same views that rebound and resound throughout your echo-chamber.  I cannot imagine anyone who is confident in their convictions, relying on such a phrase as this.

This cute catchphrase becomes an excuse to discontinue dialogue because you have already devalued the other person's opinion. Obviously, if they were a mature person, they would already believe what you have believed and would repeat what you say and agreed with you, but now thanks to this clever phrase, you no longer have to give them the dignity or validate their opinion. 

It is an easy out, commonly a cowardly excuse to disengage from a discussion from which you are not able to actually defend your own weak position. You pretend to have a position of superiority and pretend that the other person simply is not mature enough to accept or able to comprehend your lofty ideals. 

It is a stance that reeks of the stench of smugness, to me.  This immature phrase has the illusion of maturity, but really once you dig down deep and unpack the sentiment of this phrase, it becomes clear that it is no more than an excuse to avoid dialogue with people who strongly disagree with your perspective.

It is actually very degrading to the other person. To use this phrase is like having the monopoly game get out of jail free card, and you simply look at the other person who is beneath you and say "oh I can’t have this discussion with you because you have strong opinions, which, by the way are offensive."  This petty phase simply illustrates the fact that you are just not ready to have difficult conversations. 

This phrase works well because as an ace in the hole-trumps all phrase, if they shared your perspectives after all, there would be no disagreement or discussion. Therefore, since they do not share your perspective, the question of are they mature enough to have the conversation goes straight out the window. 

Actually, the fact is before you ask questions about other people's depth of maturity and capacity to dialogue civilly, before entering into the discussion, you need to ask questions about your own self, some deep questions. Namely, are you able to entertain the idea that you might be wrong about the topic, or, are you open to changing your own opinion, or are you flexible? If you are not willing to change what you think and believe, it is hypocritical to enter into a conversation that attempts to persuade someone else to change their view and expect them to move into an alignment with your own ideas or with your own views.

So yes, I'm tired of the way people have used/misused this phrase, it may have been well intentioned by the one who coined it and even by some of the people who have shared it, but I have seen it misused more often than not.  A better phrase which might be less euphonic is: Look first at your own motivations and agendas before you question someone else's ability to have a tough conversation.  

Mutuality makes the marriage

 

In one of his best known songs, Elvis sang, “We’re caught in a trap, and I can’t walk out.”  If you’re stuck in a miserable marriage, maybe you are missing out on the miracle of mutuality.  Mature marriages make room for intimacy, encouragement, and celebrating each other’s victories — they also know about the secrets of grace & mercy, therefore the more mutuality you experience, the more enjoyable your marriage becomes.  

Mutuality is actually a Biblical concept.  Paul wrote in I Cor 7:3-4, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.  For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”  And Paul also wrote in I Cor 11:11, “Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman...” 

My wife has an almost instinctive capability to encourage me in my pursuits.  She knows I enjoy writing, for example, and whenever I have a new piece published she instantly shares it on social media and she brags on me, she hugs me and tells me how happy she is for me.  I try to reciprocate, but honestly she outdoes me at every turn.  It’s a gift and she shares it without measure.  

I like to joke and tell her I’m her trophy husband or her eye-candy whenever we have an event we attend with her work; she’s a grant-chair for a local charitable foundation and I’m proud of the work she does.  But, I fuss and pout like an adolescent when I have to “dress up” for those events which I always enjoy -- I get to meet interesting people and whenever there’s food involved it’s always amazing!  

Even though I throw a fit about dressing up, I’m 100% there for my wife and we have a great time.  In fact we pretty much have a great time together whether it’s a night of rubbing shoulders or running errands. Why? Because we enjoy our time together and we want to see each other win.  

It’s not just about you, we all owe it to our children and grandchildren to have the best marriages we possibly can.  Why?  When adults bicker and feud all the time and fail to model mutuality for their children, they set the next generation up for failure and present them with difficult challenges for bonding.  It cannot be overemphasized enough the importance of a strong marriage for building confidence and security in future generations.  

Sometimes we lead best by example.  When was the last time you complimented your spouse, supported them, or bragged on them to others?   The good news is if you’ve lost those traits in your marriage, it is your choice to renew or reverse or revitalize or do whatever you need to do to improve the relationship.  Otherwise, if you’ve lost all of your optimism, what’s the point?  

We have found in over 35 years of marriage that being there for each other and being best friends makes all the difference in the world.  We support each other in our work, our dreams, and our personal goals -- we actually enjoy cooking together, traveling together, and living life together.  Mutuality is the magic ingredient of marriage, I know firsthand and I hope the same for you too.