Drama causes trauma

 

Drama causes trauma.  Our worst emotional wounds oftentimes are the result of a chaotic upbringing — which is why adults should learn how to discuss their disagreements without being combative.

Chronic stress releases a continual flow of cortisol in our bloodstream, this hormone is beneficial in a spur of the moment crisis (think of a jolt of adrenaline to jar you into action), but prolonged exposure is detrimental to our physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing — I encourage you to look further into the startling subject of the harmful effects of stress & cortisol and its links to fatigue, depression, cancer, high blood pressure, and heart disease.  

Having differences is a normal part of all relationships, but the vulnerable youth suffer when the adults are inconsiderate. We selfishly cause more damage to their psyche than we realize when we focus on fault finding, blame, or neglect to reign in our tongue, temper, ego, and pride in the midst of terrible arguments.  

When it comes to settling our differences we need to and we can set a better example for the next generation.  It’s worth noting we can experience anger but we should still maintain self control and resolve our problems quickly, as Paul wrote in Eph 4:26-27 & :31-32,  “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil... 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Too often we confuse winning an argument with the real goal, like coming to a common understanding, together.  We mistakenly think dominating the conversation, winning the case to “prove our point” is the primary objective.  Demonizing our partners or seeing them as adversaries and demoralizing them might put points on a scoreboard but it doesn’t achieve success in what counts most, our actual priority should be protecting the relationship, not being the one who is “right” all the time.  

Hitting a pothole knocks our vehicle out of alignment, relationships need to be realigned after a rough patch too and it begins by appreciating our mutuality, 1st Cor 11:11, “Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman.” Respecting our interdependence is necessary for healthy marriages.

We have to be proactive to be productive, until we admit to ourselves during the times of aggravation that “I might be wrong” or we both might be mistaken, then we will struggle to make any headway, but the effort is worthwhile because our children deserve strong families, stability, and a peaceful sense of security.  Sadly for too many marriages, our fighting shatters the security of the sweet wee little people we say we love and they end up as collateral damage in our battles of will.  

If as a couple you lecture more than you laugh together, scowl more than you smile, and you feel like you are on trial, please consider getting professional help. If you are less than satisfied, make it your mission to mend your miserable marriage, we owe it to the next generation to model healthy & happy homes.  

Finally Finding out who really fathered me

 

(Left to right, me, Ken, Virgil, Cecil Cottongim.  It was the last time the three brothers saw each other)

For the life of me I'll never know why or understand Cecil, my dad, told me at the age of 11 that my mom had an affair with one of his brothers.  True or not, why would any adult tell their child about such a scandalous event, so close to home?  It seems demented to me to burden a child with this information.  Cecil didn't stop with that story either, he went on with countless stories of my mom's infidelity.  

Soon as an 11 year old I started doing the math, and the timing seemed awfully close to when the stork delivered me.  For over 40 years the question hung out there for me, who actually was my biological father, Cecil or his brother?  If you've known me long or well at all, you've heard me joke about this with phrases like "My uncle-daddy" and not being sure which one was my dad, the guy who raised me or his sinister brother who Cecil demonized till the day he died.  

Thanks to modern technology and the wonders of DNA, the big mystery is finally solved, Tammy gifted me with the 23 & me DNA test and tonight we read the results for the first time.  It's somewhat anticlimactic, after all I'm 55 years old, Cecil is dead, the living brother is in his 80's, and what would it really change if Cecil wasn't my "real" father?  

It turns out, all that awkwardness and questioning and curiosity I carried with me over the decades like a wooden-nickel was useless.  Cecil is my dad and his brother came out on the DNA test as "Uncle," it didn't read "Daddy-uncle" or anything close to daddy, much like my uncle said all of the many years, all along.  My uncle is my uncle and no more.  If you read this uncle, sorry I doubted you.  

Knowing the truth now feels weird.  I'm not happy or sad, nor disappointed or elated.  I didn't know what to expect, I didn't really consider how I would feel, one way or the other.  It just feels, weird.  Almost numb, but yes tonight, weird.   Maybe a little disoriented?

It is rather strange in a sense after these years of wondering about it to finally have a definitive answer, and I suppose you could say to have closure now too.  I guess I should feel embarrassed for considering, contemplating, or entertaining the idea that my uncle could've fathered me.  I need to forgive the 11 year old Craig who tried to make sense of a completely messed up situation.  Honestly, instead of feeling embarrassed, I'm more disappointed in Cecil for sharing the ugly family secret that my mom was unfaithful and for causing me so much self-doubt throughout my childhood and adult life.  

By no sense was I traumatized by this, it's dysfunctional but not detrimental, but the burden of carrying this question for so long and the tension and the fracture/division this caused ruptures family dynamics and has had ripple effects.  It caused me trust-issues with female relationships as a young adult, and it certainly disrupted family ties along the way.     

If there's a lesson to be learned here, some piece of wisdom I could distill and syphon off for you, I'm not aware of it yet.  I guess at this point I'd say, be cautious with what you burden your offspring with, be attentive to your spouses, and be willing to be proved wrong about ideas you hold to.