A few years ago I saw a movie where two grandparents were at
the dinner table talking with a confused grandchild. Their grandchild
shocked them by saying it's impossible and unreasonable to think that you could
have sex with the same person all your life, to just have one lover, to just be
happy with only person all your life.
As I think about that movie scene, I want to scream
"That is bunk!" It's not only possible to be monogamous for
life, it's what brings the most satisfaction!
I'm blessed. No doubt about it, I'm a lucky guy.
My wife Tammy and I have been married for over 26 years now, and for some
reason, I'm drawn to her more now than ever. It's hard to explain, and
I'll try to unpack this, but I find Tammy more attractive and more desirable
sexually as the years go by. It's as if I'm seeing her for the first time
as the years pass. She keeps getting more beautiful and more desirable to
me, and I think it's because of the keys I'll share here.
And, in case you are nervous, I'll keep this post G rated.
You would think getting married as teenagers, that our
sexual peak would've come and gone by now. Or, you might think that as
the years transform our appearance, with my young bride now in her mid-40's she
would no longer "do it" for me, and I would not find her as
attractive as when we met. You'd be dead wrong to think so. She is
drop dead gorgeous to me.
I find myself continually daydreaming about Tammy, and when
we are together I can't keep my eyes off of her. She is hotter than ever
in my eyes. I can't keep my hands off her if we walk past each other in
the kitchen. If I leave the living room, I want to go past her and kiss
her, or squeeze her... I simply can't get enough of her.
Before I go much further, let me clarify an important point.
You might wonder, does this mean we never have arguments or get angry
with each other? Are we in some Utopian parallel universe? No, we
live in the real world, and we have arguments. We disagree like every
other couple. We frustrate each other from time to time too.
So, what's the key to finding a fulfilling sex life?
How do you continually fall in love with the same person
over a lifetime? Certainly relationship studies show that infatuation fades
over time, usually within the 1st 2 years of a relationship. You might
think by now that I'm crazy; after all, most marriages end in divorce and many
marriages suffer frustration. Being satisfied and fulfilled by your
spouse is a series of choices you make.
For starters, don't complain about your spouse to your
friends. I have never complained about Tammy to any of my friends.
Again, we do have normal and healthy arguments. We are not always
happy with each other every second of the day. But I do not critique and
talk trash about Tammy when I'm upset. Don't dwell on the negative, or
soon that's all you'll see. Once you start talking negatively about your
spouse to others, you begin to reinforce within your psyche your
spouse is inferior, and you deserve better... Deal with your conflicts,
handle your problems, and work things out with your spouse without smearing
their reputation amongst your friends.
It's not hard to find your spouse irresistible, when you
think about it, it's fairly simple. Job said, “I have made a
covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin?" (Job 31:1) This
means you purposely don't stare at the opposite sex. If you allow
yourself to lust over someone other than your spouse,
you sabotage your own satisfaction in your bedroom.
Don't look at porn. Men, don't pick up the swimsuit issue of
Sports Illustrated. Once you go down the path of looking at someone
other than your spouse to arouse yourself, you forfeit the satisfaction
the God intended for you by blessing you with your spouse.
This isn't a post on porn, but I will say if you are into porn, you only hurt yourself and hurt the chances of being satisfied with your spouse. Take this to heart too, "Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love." (Proverbs 5:18-19 ESV) I like that, be "drunk" with your wife's body.
Another key ingredient to having a great sex life is having
a mutual desire to please each other, in and out of the bedroom. If you
can't be courteous and do nice things, or offer compliments to your spouse
throughout the day, you shouldn't be surprised if your sex life is mediocre.
I try everyday to tell Tammy she looks good or tell her how what she is
wearing looks good, and I try everyday to thank her for even the small things.
We also share life's responsibilities together. If I grill dinner,
and she prepares the sides, I try to thank her. This spills over into the
bedroom too. We actually like to please each other, neither of us are
"selfish lovers" as the saying goes. If you want a great sex
life, it starts with wanting to please your spouse, over fulfilling your own
needs.
Once you aim for pleasing your spouse, like magic, you find
deeper satisfaction than ever. And, you need to be behind closed doors as
often as possible with your spouse. Consider what Paul wrote, "Now
concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man
not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to
sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own
husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise
the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her
own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority
over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except
perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to
prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because
of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:1-5 ESV)
Another important key to a great sex life is having fun, yes
in and out of the bedroom. Laugh together. Tammy and I laugh
together so hard at times we cry. When I say have fun in the bedroom, I'm
not simply talking about the mechanics of the act itself, I mean actually learn
to laugh when something comical happens.
And realize sex is a gift. It is meant to be enjoyed.
I couldn't narrow down the Song of Solomon to just one quote here, though
I'll share a quote in the end. God has a plan for marriage, and if you've ever
read the Song of Solomon, you know that a steamy bedroom is part of the
magic... There are so many verses in the Song of Solomon illuminating the
pleasures of sex, I will just recommend you read it in its entirety to gain a
better understanding that sex is meant to be enjoyed.
A great sex life requires a lot of communication. It
requires a little coaching too. You'd be amazed the doors you can open
when you mutually express what you enjoy. Don't be shy with your spouse,
you are married after all :-) I'd add to this too, text messages
throughout the day about how you miss each other and how you are looking
forward to reconnecting that night can really fan the flames!
A great sex life is built on a balance of spending time
together and time apart. Growing up, our next door neighbors were postal
workers. They had the same shift at the post office. They were
together all day, every day. They divorced after about 10 years because
they got sick of each other. We need to be together with our spouses as
often as possible, but we also need time apart. Too much time apart opens
you up for temptations (look back up at the I Cor 7 passage), but the proper
amount of time apart builds anticipation and you can't wait to be back in each
other's arms. When I miss Tammy, because one of us are out of town, I go
crazy thinking about her.
A spicy sex life really begins when we follow God's plan,
and that might sound strange to some reading this. God gave us the gift
of sex to be enjoyed. It bonds us to our spouses, and brings unlimited pleasures
to life. Pursue your spouse with a deep passion, and crowd out of your
mind any thoughts that don't have anything to do with your spouse's
satisfaction. We are living proof that two people can be together (going
on three decades now) and stay madly in love, in and out of the bedroom.
I want to encourage you, if your marriage is stagnant or stale, or you've
slipped up, God is a God of 2nd chances. Maybe try reading the Song Of
Solomon to your spouse, pray for God's blessings, and purposely reignite that
spark that first set your heart on fire.
“Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are
flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD. Many waters cannot
quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the
wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised.” (Song of Solomon
8:6-7 ESV)
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