Why Asking for & Giving grace more is truly influential

There's an overlooked element to grace, i.e., "what is the goal" of grace. There's more to grace than we give it credit for. Before I share the goal of grace, let's state the obvious: No one is perfect; we all make mistakes, we all frustrate others. 

In that moment when someone points out our need for improvement, have you ever stopped and asked, "Why can't people just give me a little more grace?" It seems like some people will never be satisfied and it feels like they will never accept us for who we are. But, would they be doing us any favors if they treated us the way we wanted to be treated by asking them to turn a blind eye to our faults? 

No one should ever belittle us, demean us, put us down, or humiliate us.  If we aren't careful though, we lie to ourselves and twist every negative sounding comment we hear about ourselves into something it isn't.  That's not very inspirational, it's not even spiritual.

Yes it feels discouraging when someone expresses their disappointment in any of our patterns, it's almost insulting, but is this their fault or is this ours? Perhaps we should rephrase the question, "Why can't you give me a little more grace." What would be a better question to ask?  How about asking for their help. Ask for their advice on how you can grow. Once we get to the goal of grace, this line of questioning might make more sense.

Think of what it's like to have a supervisor train us in a new position, a sport's coach pushing us, or anyone who strives to help us reach our potential -- motivation, correction, and direction doesn't always come with warm fuzzies. Yet, if you've ever started a new job, tried a new activity, or attempted to gain any new skills, you know it's impossible to grow without a mentor. 

 If we shield ourselves from feedback or advice, how will we ever grow?

Grace is unconditional, it takes us where we are, accepts us for who we are, but true grace refuses to leave us where it finds us. Grace wants more for us than mediocrity or immaturity. 

So what is the goal of Grace? The goal of grace isn't to hinder or stifle our personal growth, the goal of grace is to make us mature and carry us far past the arrested development we've come to enjoy. Complacency kills. Apathy is the enemy, not your "critic."

Grace isn't the removal of standards or expectations. The opposite of grace says, let's leave the training wheels on a little longer. The opposite of grace is, please keep your suggestions, expectations, and disappointments to yourself.  It's not unloving sharing your frustrations, withholding frustration is deceptive. Would you rather people lied to you?  Only liars tell you what you want to hear all the time.  Are those the people you want to surround yourself with?  

Grace is nothing if it isn't transformational. The goal of grace is change. 

Grace expects growth: "But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen." (II Pet 3:18) Also, Grace isn't about excuses to continue in bad behavior: "What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?" (Rom 6:1-3)

The next time someone cares enough about you to point out a flaw, shortcoming, or anything that is interfering with you having healthier relationships, don't fall into the temptation to manipulate them by misusing the word grace and cry out, "I just need a little grace here." Instead, ask for real grace, and ask for some guidance. If you really want to be happy and have enjoyable relationships, learn to accept feedback.

In the end, you have to ask yourself: Is it narcissism, arrogance, or pride that causes me to reject, resent, and resist advice? It might simply be your desire to control others and every situation, but you need to confront the reason you oppose the standards others have. Would you rather they lower their standards and expectations and leave you to wither away in your comfort zone, or would you rather grow? It's your choice, and while we can't change anyone else, we ourselves can change -- but not on our own.

Fiction for When Masculinity is on the line: The three books all men should read at least once in their lifetime

There are three older books which I believe all men should read, and the sooner the better.  I really don't know how many times I've read and reread them, but I can't encourage these books enough.  Any of these three books can be read in one sitting, they are surprisingly short, concise & compact, captivating tales and they are extremely engaging.

 Before I share the titles, I'll share the "why."

Men, in case you haven't noticed, masculinity and manhood are under attack -- continually.  If masculinity isn't what's on the line, manhood is often misunderstood, and this deficit has left a generation of men confused and wounded.  In fact, I would not be surprised if these book I'm recommending were banned in the very near future. 

The themes in these books fill in the blanks where today's society has left a void.  These books correct the cultural-emasculation of men and they celebrate what makes manhood special.  Men, we are being shamed & bullied into thinking some of the primal instincts God endowed us with are criminal or corrupt. 

These books will inspire because these books overlap essential topics & themes regarding what being a healthy man who is confident and capable feels like.  Topics are what make men strong and confident, topics like the value of mentoring (Santiago), the value of true male companionship (George & Lenny), and knowing full and well men have what it takes -- we have the ability to endure any challenge life throws our way despite harsh climates or nearly being crushed by brutal oppression (Denisovich).

Here are my suggested titles:
"The old man and the sea" Ernest Hemingway.
"Mice & men" John Steinbeck
"One day in the life of Ivan Denisovich" Alexander Solzhenitsyn

In a day & age that leaves men feeling inadequate and confused, these books are like road-maps for those who have lost their way in their quest to becoming men. These old books celebrate embracing some of the essential masculine traits that have been suppressed for too long. 

It's hard to be good husbands & fathers when we are confused about what being a man is all about.  When men lose their ability to express and develop the traits that strengthen and embolden us, when masculinity is obliterated, it's not just "men" who will suffer, I believe the family-unit will collapse and then society's destruction will follow shortly after.

When we only talk with people who already agree with us

Have you noticed how difficult it has become to disagree with other people? Trump is a great example, he gets everyone talking -- we’re just not talking with the right people. How so? People on one side think that he can do no wrong, while other people believe he can’t do anything right. You either have a zealot-like loyalty to him, or you find him utterly loathsome. Just like the topic of abortion, there is no middle ground when it comes to talking about Trump.

The same could be said for discussing transgender people teaching sex-ed to preschoolers, current events in the Middle East, or immigration. We are too polarized these days. Worse yet, we can’t even seem to have a civil conversation with people “on the other” side of any issue.

FYI: It is okay to be neutral on the topic of the President, and, not every discourse is “hate speech” simply based on the fact you that disagree. You are not homophobic or Islamophobic whenever you voice a different view than what is held on the TV talk-shows. Yet, our culture has bullied us into silence when it comes to speaking up in the public square whenever we voice our conscience about the moral decline we see daily.

I find it ironic when a relativistic culture that on the one hand claims “what’s true for you isn’t true for me” (discarding logic and reason) wants to set a standard for diversity that is dependent on the stipulation that you can speak up only as long as you are in complete agreement with their views. There really isn’t room for exchanging ideas within this false diversity when their standard tells the other side to be quiet or acquiesce because you are hateful whenever you disagree with them.

How has our culture kept you quiet? They shame you and guilt you into silence, as they marginalize your mainstream-traditional virtues, claiming you are “intolerant.” And you probably think that you should remain quiet, since that’s the polite thing to do. The people who would suppress your voice, they are banking on you to be polite. And it works after-all, since all good Christians are polite like Jesus was.

Forget the fact Jesus braided a whip and drove out the money changers. Ignore the disciples asking Him in Matthew 15:12, “Don’t you realize the Pharisees were offended...?” by what He said. Jesus wasn’t killed for being polite. We somehow imagine Jesus to be charming and witty, almost like a candidate running for office or a TV game-show host, all the while forgetting He was killed for speaking the truth which offended people.

Jesus wasn’t combative, critical, or judgmental when He disagreed or when He voiced His unpopular ideas. He was confident, compassionate, creative, and caring when He shared the truth. Unfortunately, we as believers don’t even practice Jesus’ example on dialoguing with other Christians. Until we can do a better job of disagreeing amongst “ourselves” over the gray areas of theology or faith, are we really in a place to correct the world? It doesn’t have to be an either or, i.e., either we finally achieve unity or we can’t reach out period. But, we certainly need to avoid hypocrisy. And, we need to do whatever we are going to to improve our ability to dialogue soon.

When it comes to discussing our differences in the public square, it seems like both sides are merely perpetuating echo-chambers where all we are doing is sharing our opinions with other people who already hold the same views which we do. Sure, it’s comfortable, but it’s also catastrophic. Revolts, riots, and revolutions happen when you suppress people. There’s a reason Proverbs 27:17, “As Iron sharpens iron” is in your Bible. It’s healthy to respectfully disagree and to challenge each other.

The only way we will grow and mature as people is through comparing and contrasting ideas and through open dialogue. When we lose our way in this matter, the church becomes irrelevant and we are lost as a civilization.