When they talk about you/How to sift through petty conversations & be a better friend

 

It’s slightly ironic that people in our region are more likely to believe you if you say you spotted a Bigfoot than if you claim to have seen a mountain lion.  I actually saw a mountain lion here in Kingsport, it ran out right in front of me while I was driving, plain as day, yet one of the neighbors asked if I also saw a unicorn as well.  

Which is easier for us to see in others, the good or the bad? Somehow we’ve unwisely come to the point in our culture where we eagerly accept bad news about others and we tend to see the worst in people immediately. Conversely, we tirelessly wait for their “true colors” to come out if they seem to be behaving nicely. 

Most people will blindly listen to someone slam us and they will carelessly deem we are guilty instantly-- much quicker than they will ever believe our success stories.   I’m not sure I understand why we struggle with this willfully, but if someone tells us the preacher’s teenage daughter is pregnant, unthinkingly we don’t question it, but if we hear the child was an honor roll student, suddenly we are skeptical.  

It’s bad enough when immature people spread trash-talk like politicians poisoning the well and slinging mud in a primary debate, it’s worse when we hastily entertain these accusations. Without even analyzing what we’ve heard or “going to the source” we often pass on this embarrassing information so others can “pray more intelligently.”  Remember James 1:26 and the warning to control what we say, “If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.”

We are quick to gossip, judge, and quick to scandalize -- like we read in Prov 16:28, “A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.”  Shame on us when we recklessly ruin other people’s reputations.   

Mature people, on the other hand, know how to ask the right questions when they hear something troubling and they know how to practice discretion.  Mature people also have enough common sense and integrity to steer clear of toxic conversations.  Proverbs 27:6, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”

You already wonder what slanderous people say about you when you are absent, but ask yourself when someone is sharing scandalous information about a common companion with you, why are they telling me this bit about this other person and why at this time?  Why would they try to smear this other person’s reputation now? Also it’s good to ask yourself, does this bad report match up with what you’ve personally experienced over the long run with the person in question?  

A mature person knows how to filter through what they hear and they know how to interpret motives.  Therefore, pause and think about it the next time someone starts talking poorly about other people you know because you will see what you want to see in others, if you want it long enough.  

There's a popular meme that summarizes the ease at which people will spread false information about us, and how we can respond as mature adults: 

Finally Finding out who really fathered me

 

(Left to right, me, Ken, Virgil, Cecil Cottongim.  It was the last time the three brothers saw each other)

For the life of me I'll never know why or understand Cecil, my dad, told me at the age of 11 that my mom had an affair with one of his brothers.  True or not, why would any adult tell their child about such a scandalous event, so close to home?  It seems demented to me to burden a child with this information.  Cecil didn't stop with that story either, he went on with countless stories of my mom's infidelity.  

Soon as an 11 year old I started doing the math, and the timing seemed awfully close to when the stork delivered me.  For over 40 years the question hung out there for me, who actually was my biological father, Cecil or his brother?  If you've known me long or well at all, you've heard me joke about this with phrases like "My uncle-daddy" and not being sure which one was my dad, the guy who raised me or his sinister brother who Cecil demonized till the day he died.  

Thanks to modern technology and the wonders of DNA, the big mystery is finally solved, Tammy gifted me with the 23 & me DNA test and tonight we read the results for the first time.  It's somewhat anticlimactic, after all I'm 55 years old, Cecil is dead, the living brother is in his 80's, and what would it really change if Cecil wasn't my "real" father?  

It turns out, all that awkwardness and questioning and curiosity I carried with me over the decades like a wooden-nickel was useless.  Cecil is my dad and his brother came out on the DNA test as "Uncle," it didn't read "Daddy-uncle" or anything close to daddy, much like my uncle said all of the many years, all along.  My uncle is my uncle and no more.  If you read this uncle, sorry I doubted you.  

Knowing the truth now feels weird.  I'm not happy or sad, nor disappointed or elated.  I didn't know what to expect, I didn't really consider how I would feel, one way or the other.  It just feels, weird.  Almost numb, but yes tonight, weird.   Maybe a little disoriented?

It is rather strange in a sense after these years of wondering about it to finally have a definitive answer, and I suppose you could say to have closure now too.  I guess I should feel embarrassed for considering, contemplating, or entertaining the idea that my uncle could've fathered me.  I need to forgive the 11 year old Craig who tried to make sense of a completely messed up situation.  Honestly, instead of feeling embarrassed, I'm more disappointed in Cecil for sharing the ugly family secret that my mom was unfaithful and for causing me so much self-doubt throughout my childhood and adult life.  

By no sense was I traumatized by this, it's dysfunctional but not detrimental, but the burden of carrying this question for so long and the tension and the fracture/division this caused ruptures family dynamics and has had ripple effects.  It caused me trust-issues with female relationships as a young adult, and it certainly disrupted family ties along the way.     

If there's a lesson to be learned here, some piece of wisdom I could distill and syphon off for you, I'm not aware of it yet.  I guess at this point I'd say, be cautious with what you burden your offspring with, be attentive to your spouses, and be willing to be proved wrong about ideas you hold to.