What people really want

One of the best gifts I've received in this life has come my way twice.  First, during the formational years of my childhood and then again throughout adulthood.  As I observe people and relationships, I see clearly I've been gifted with an extremely rare prize.

Growing up my mother had the unique ability to allow me to pursue whatever path I would chose.  Looking back, I know I was a weird kid; when I pretended to be Tarzan, Robin Hood, or Conan the Barbarian, she never blinked an eye.  My mom never tried to shape me or fashion me into anything other than what I wanted, she allowed me to read freely and she provided me with money to buy books.  She let me roam freely and explore the world around me without unnecessary restrictions.  I credit my mom for my creative side and my self-confidence.

As a young adult, very young, I was blessed to marry my wife Tammy.  Tammy has always supported me in whatever career choice, ambitions, or direction I've felt led towards.  She encourages me and complements me, and she stands beside me in the work I do -- she sees potential in me when I don't.  No matter what the form or expression of my work (while putting up with my personal quirky side) Tammy is more than supportive and she is absolutely the best fit for me.  Not only is Tammy beautiful and thrilling to be with, I couldn't do what I do without her.  I credit Tammy with any of my accomplishments in this life.

Where am I going with this?
What I'm trying to communicate is the power of acceptance.

People do not want to be forced to conform to what the world or others want, people want to be accepted for who they are.  But, you ask, "What if they are on an unhealthy path?" The paradox is, we can only influence people when we let them be themselves.

And, all people have an instinctual reflex that kicks in when you try to manipulate them or coerce them, and it naturally causes distance.  So, if you want to grow close to others you must love them and accept them for who they are, and you'll be surprised who they can become by giving them the freedom we all want -- but most rarely give.

Why people we can't stand are so popular

If the research can be trusted, and I see no reason not to believe what is being published in this case, one of greatest regrets people voiced on their deathbeds was: I wish I had been more courageous and expressed myself.

Think about this, of the deepest regrets people have at the end of their lives, at the top of the list was the disappointment of not speaking up in life.  Ranking higher than wishing they had worked less and spent more time with their families was this nagging agony from not having shared their opinions more often.

Which leads me to this conclusion, blowhards who are often viewed as obnoxious or belligerent are wildly popular simply because they do speak their mind.  In a sense, I think many people are living boldly, however vicariously, through the opinionated talking heads they watch on TV.

Many media sensations are frustratingly unoriginal and lack tact or intelligence.  Yet, they have an audience who sits there quietly thinking, "I wish I could say that too, you're my hero..."

I for one was never impressed with the Duck Dynasty series.  I applaud them for their wonderful family values and strong faith.  I believe they are genuinely good people.  But still.  I have redneck family members who could run circles around the Robertson family with saying it how they see it.  The show's popularity and the speaking engagements they have landed stem mainly from Phil shooting straight from the hip and saying whatever he thinks, minus any novelty.
  
I guess the takeaway here is this: Speak your mind while you still have time and don't lose your mind over the people you can't stand in the media -- they have everyone's ear who wishes they could only open their mouths too.

When it's okay to be needy...

The term, "Needy," carries such negative connotations.  When we hear the phrase, "You are so needy," it sounds like a hateful criticism.  Plants need sunlight to thrive, but no one faults a flower for its needs.  Babies need milk to grow.  In fact we come into this life kicking and screaming, and we are very adept at letting our needs be known before we can even talk.

Perhaps this whole subject is a sore spot because we don't understand, in some sense, we are all needy.  More to the point, the confusion sets in as we mismanage our neediness.

Let's be honest, brutally honest.  Needy people can be exhausting and we feel drained just at the mention of their name.  Sadly, some people do not want to be healthy, and they will gladly go along sucking the life out anyone who will let them.  Don't.  Don't give into codependency.  You won't help them or yourself.

Part of the problem with needy people is they can become takers.  They only call when they are in an emergency.  They only have one topic to discuss, ever, and it's some void they want you to fill.  They never give back.  They are a demanding victim who expects you to rescue them, over & over again.

The more you give into a needy person, the more they will take from you, until soon there's nothing left of you for yourself.  It's tiresome to constantly be meeting the needs of others.  But the other end of the spectrum isn't the answer though.  We don't want to go through life as constantly feeling dependent upon others.

On the other hand, there are people who are so desperate to be needed, they create circumstances to manipulate others into depending on them.  They don't realize how needy they are -- they need to be needed.  These people need to be your champion and to have as many people as possible lean on them, in order for them to feel whole.

And, it's hard for some people to admit they have needs that can only be met by other people.  People who feel smug and think they are far superior to the rest are no more healthy than the person who latches on to your leg and leaches the life out of you... through a slow miserable death.

So what's the difference between having needs and being a needy person?  In other words, Why are we all needy?  We are all needy because we aren't made to be independent.  We have to partner with other people -- we need others to enter into this life and to navigate this life.  In other words, we are healthiest when we are interdependent.

Is there anyway out of this bleak situation?  How can we manage our actual needs without allowing our weaknesses to become our identity?  It's perfectly fine to voice your needs to those who can and want to meet your needs, those with whom you have a reciprocal relationship.

The best way I know to manage our needs is to become someone who establish healthy boundaries with others.  If you want to gauge how healthy another person is emotionally, watch how well they respond to your boundaries.  Just like a border between cities or states, it's important to know where you begin and where others end.

Therefore, the starting point is recognizing we all do have needs that we can't meet alone, but we don't have to succumb to being a needy person.  Secondly, work to collaborate with others so we can mutually meet each other's needs in the healthiest way possible.  Finally, establish and maintain healthy boundaries.

The ABC’s of gossip

It’s true for many of us, our ears perk up whenever we hear the soft-spoken phrase, “Did you hear about...?” Yet, while this conversation is going on, no one is feeling guilty -- even though we are whispering and looking over our shoulders the whole time. Why? Gossip often feels innocent in the moment, since we aren’t spreading lies after all. Which of course is why we include, “Bless their heart...” just to be on the safe side.

Still, whether or not the information being shared is accurate, gossip damages the heart of community more than just about any other misbehavior people become involved in together. I believe a church or group of people can survive most any setback, but once gossip becomes part of their culture, that congregation or team of people is doomed. It doesn’t matter if you are gathered around the office water-cooler or handing out church bulletins in the foyer, there’s nothing worse for your organization or assembly than to have people gossiping.

Gossip spreads faster than athlete's feet in a locker room, but in case you haven’t given the topic much thought before, for your consideration I’ll share the “ABC’s” of gossip with you. But please don’t tell anyone where you heard about this. Let’s just keep this between the two of us, okay?

A: Gossip Alienates people. Whenever we are involved in gossiping, there’s at least one victim. The victim is the one we are talking about behind their back, and we’ve purposely cut them out of the conversation for obvious reasons. Remember, nothing cuts a conversation shorter than the arrival of the person you were just gossiping about. Furthermore, we usually keep our distance after we’ve talked about someone else -- it is very uncomfortable to make eye-contact with someone we’ve just drug through the mud.

Consider this as you think about how gossip alienates people, “A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends.” (Prov 16:28 NLT)

Many warped people spread gossip to feel better about themselves, true. But remember this fact: Anyone who will gossip to you, will gossip about you. You might think the of you two are bonding while you share secrets, but really, you are alienating others and yourself.

B: Gossip is a Betrayal. We break people’s confidence whenever we gossip. We betray their trust, no matter how we rationalize it. When you know sensitive information about someone and you share it with others for sensational motives, you’ve dissolved the glue that holds all relationships together, you’ve destroyed their trust. For example, “A gossip goes around telling secrets, but those who are trustworthy can keep a confidence.” (Prov 11:13 NLT)

Face it, the only gossip that gains traction is gossip that includes sensitive or embarrassing information. People don’t gossip about the weather. People like to talk about the elder’s children who are involved in some type of inappropriate and reckless behavior -- probably because they were hanging out with the deacon’s kids....

And finally, C: Gossip is ultimately about Control. This is the sickest part of gossiping. We exert control over who gets to hear the information, when they hear it, the flow of information, and how we leverage the gossip, all to give ourselves a sense of power. We even try to bind the people we gossip to when we say, “No, don’t tell anyone, especially don’t say you heard this from me.” That puts people in an awkward situation, every time.

Having “juicy info” gives some people a demented sense of power over others, but it’s not just unhealthy, it’s wicked. People like to be “in the know,” and they like the feeling of having knowledge others do not have, but others they wish they had. The whole thing is messed up.

Basically, gossip is conversational adultery and it often ruins the reputation of innocent people. Sadly, many Christians who would like to “pray more intelligently” about others also like to share slander under the guise of faithfulness. Remember this, your kids hear every word you don’t want them to, outsiders will rightful avoid judgmental believers, and gossip might be socially acceptable but it’s destructive to society.

Gossip, while it gives some people a rush, erodes the integrity of a community just like a landslide. Scripture is clear, we should avoid people who gossip, “A gossip goes around telling secrets, so don’t hang around with chatterers.” (Prov 20:19 NLT). Gossip is impure and destructive, so guard your heart and your mouth and you’ll safeguard your community.

Is it possible to be too accepting?

It seems as if we are no longer entitled to hold up our own individual standards anymore.  Instead, it seems like alternative lifestyles and cultures and beliefs are being forced on us from all fronts, but we aren't allowed to say a thing about it.

I find intolerance, discrimination, and rudeness distasteful and unacceptable, but let's grow up and realize that to dislike or disapprove of another's opinion or choice is not equal to hatred.  The current circumstance we find ourselves in feels like some sort of meta-cultural peer-pressure where everyone is expected to accept every choice as being fully equal, and to be quiet about it all.

Rejecting a choice someone else makes, or not accepting their preference, doesn't equate to rejecting that person.  Certainly common sense tells us we don't have to see everything all the same, and to disagree isn't one and the same as hatred or rejection.

In fact, we are being sold a lie -- if we reject the person's preferences, we reject the person.  Similarly, if we reject another's lifestyle, we have supposedly committed evil acts of racism, bigotry, and discrimination.  The false claim of some people is that rejecting the choices other people make is the full equivalent of breaking their civil rights for the people you disagree with.  That's insanity!

For a free-market of ideas to thrive, there has to be an exchange of contrary and opposing ideas.  For our own intellectual growth to flourish, we have to express ourselves when we disagree.  But currently, to hold to certain morals and political stances results in being bullied into silence, or being labeled with a shame-laden derogatory "ism" meant to stifle your voice.

It is impossible for all of the contradictory views to all be right.  Yet, no one is allowed to speak up and say someone else's ideas are wrong anymore.  That's crazy.  This cultural censorship is slowly choking out clear thinking.

The suppression of opinions that are different from the latest fad or the hippest marginalized group is the path to stifle the freedom of expression.   To say any particular group or ideology is misguided or wrong will be hate-speech, punishable by fines or lawsuits.  To ensure that no one is ever offended is to prevent the personal growth of any society, and, it will eliminate the ability to have a healthy exchange of ideas.  This all sounds like the subplot of a dystopian narrative where the fascist leaders enact a totalitarian regime to suppress the masses...  and their new uniform is fashioned from the "Emperor's new clothes," but who will speak up about the wardrobe?

Squelching dialogue is the least wise move our culture can make.  Dialogue means we speak up, we share ideas that are dissimilar, and we all learn from the process.  Instead, we remain enslaved by feeling embarrassed to speak up, because if we do speak up we are labeled as hatemongers or dogmatic anti-intellectuals who are just plain cruel.  We are afraid to speak out against the things we once saw as embarrassing.  We are devolving into invertebrates.  

To claim all ideas are equally valid means that none of the ideas being presented are wrong, which means we've reached perfection in our understanding of reality.  I personally see a lot of room for improvement from humanity.  For diversity to exist and be profitable to our personal development, means we have to speak up, debate, disagree, and state our opinions.

We can include everyone and accept everyone based on the common-ground we share and through authentic tolerance and respect, but if we silence people through intimidation and coercion simply because they disagree with the lifestyle choices of the furthest fringes of our society, then our civilization is no longer civilized, it is just part of the animal kingdom and nothing is off limits...

Are we setting ourselves up for violence as Transgender & traditional culture clashes:

                                                                          


I have yet to meet anyone who claims to be disgusted by Bruce Jenner's transformation (pictured above) who doesn't enjoy music by Elton John (Gay), Freddie Mercury (Bi) or David Bowie (Trans). Ironic or hypocritical?

What muddies the water even further are the many heterosexuals who judge the LGBT community, yet have extramarital-affairs or are addicted to pornography. My Judaeo-Christian values indicate there's no distinction in sexual sins, whatever way you define them.

Recent news reveals Bruce Springsteen, Paypal, Michel Moore, and others are taking a stance over recent laws which have not favored the choices of transgender individuals, laws dealing with discrimination, and these celebrities and corporations are basically boycotting certain States to show their allegiance with the LGBT community.

Some parts of the laws being debated are controversial, since these laws would allow a physiological male to use a women's restroom or locker room if that supposed male-embodied-individual wanted to identify as a female. Again, is it ironic or hypocritical on their part as corporations or entertainers to boycott those states they disagree with?

This whole subject raises all kinds of questions for me. Since the most recent and available data suggests that only around .03% of the population identifies as transgender, and only around 4% claim to be homosexual or bisexual -- how has this issue drawn so much attention to itself? Also, why has this transgender issue become so polarizing? And why is it so politicized today?

I'm left asking myself, are we setting ourselves up for a violent resolution to this whole subject?

If you doubt we resort to violence whenever we can't negotiate a peaceful resolution to a problem as a culture, then maybe you've forgotten we have four branches of our military to reinforce peace at the international level. Where do I see violence playing out in this situation? Parents protecting their children in public restrooms, for starters.

I know most people prefer to stay on the sidelines with this subject for fear of being labeled as intolerant. It's not my position to judge people who truly identify as transgender. Are transgender people nice, demented, perverted, confused, sincere, fearful, dangerous? That's not up to me to worry about.

While I disagree with the LGBT lifestyle based on my spiritual beliefs, I will say confidently, there's more to a person than their sexual identity, and, there will be some people who will abuse the supposed discrimination laws to prey on people of the opposite sex. And, while I disagree with the LGBT lifestyle, it's not my place to dictate to others how they live their life. And this is the crux of the matter, trying to enforce one's values on others vs. accepting people where they are while hoping for the best.

If you doubt these nondiscrimination laws will lead to abuse, think again.  Common sense tells us pedophiles and the such will use this new set of nondiscrimination laws to enter the restrooms of the opposite sex under the guise of being transgender for inappropriate reasons.  We've already seen news stories indicating this much is true.

Since many people don't know how be tolerant without feeling like they are endorsing a lifestyle they disagree with, many people will remain frustrated, frightened, and angry. It really comes down to respect and consistency. I think there are valid reasons to see how people make life choices regarding their sexuality based on how they were nurtured and not based on genetics. And I do think the direction our culture is heading is unhealthy. 

Still, I know it's not Christ-like to hate, judge, or abuse anyone that I disagree with or disapprove of.  I hope that the self-righteousness of the many doesn't sabotage the delivery of the Christian message to the few, or blind the world to the reality of Jesus.  

However we move forward, may we do so in love and in the spirit of Jesus without trying to intimidate anyone.  May we learn to accept the people we disagree with, and may our actions speak clearly, so clearly people will know who we are trying imitate.

“13 Then Jesus went out to the lakeshore again and taught the crowds that were coming to him. 14 As he walked along, he saw Levi son of Alphaeus sitting at his tax collector’s booth. “Follow me and be my disciple,” Jesus said to him. So Levi got up and followed him. 15 Later, Levi invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners. (There were many people of this kind among Jesus’ followers.) 16 But when the teachers of religious law who were Pharisees saw him eating with tax collectors and other sinners, they asked his disciples, “Why does he eat with such scum?” 17 When Jesus heard this, he told them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.” (Mark 2:13-17 New Living Translation)

Are we becoming desensitized to terrorism?

Yasser Arafat isn't a name that raises eyebrows these days.  Back in the '70s & '80s  he was on everyone's radar.  Arafat died over a decade ago, but he was masterful when it came to instilling sheer terror.

Today, a bomb in an airport in Brussels got the attention of most of the world.  It's apparently in retaliation for the capture of one of the terrorists from last year's attack in Paris.  Events like this will no doubt instill fear in innocent people and paralyze that region for days to come.

Unless you have friends or family on the ground in the midst of such a situation, I wonder how long until these senseless acts of violence no longer get our attention?  Sadly, politicians politicize these inexcusable actions, and Cable news sensationalize them as well.  And we the people who are bombarded with images and soundbites are left trying to process how these barbaric rampages could happen in the 21st Century.

Do you remember 9/11?  People were glued to their television sets.  Air traffic was halted.  People gathered in churches in record numbers.  Now?  Now, we remember San Bernardino as the FBI verses Apple more than we remember the victims.   The events in Paris are blurry.  And no one is even talking about Garland Texas.

What can we do to avoid becoming numb to the random acts of terrorism?  Maybe not much, or maybe a lot?  It all depends on how we choose to value life, liberty, freedom, and how well we can unite behind our fellow man.

I think the longer we as a culture are entertained by gore & violence in our video games and movies, the less chance we have of really feeling he impact of terrorism.  The longer we fuel our ethnocentrism, the harder it will be to feel true empathy for anyone who suffers an attack on foreign soil.  And, until we find a way to reach the hearts and minds of our enemies without resorting to blowing them up, then we will resign ourselves to simply accept terrorism as the new norm.


"Darkness cannot drive out darkness;
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate;
only love can do that.
Hate multiplies hate,
violence multiplies violence,
and toughness multiplies toughness
in a descending spiral of destruction....
The chain reaction of evil --
hate begetting hate,
wars producing more wars --
must be broken,
or we shall be plunged
into the dark abyss of annihilation."

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.Strength To Love, 1963