Changing Habits/New Year's resolutions the right way

 

“Tis the season” for fantasizing about New Year’s resolutions. Contemplating a gym membership yet? Beyond slimming down your waistline, consider also beefing up your biblical core. “For while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.” (I Timothy 4:8).

Major lifestyle changes not only intimidate us, they also fall under the frustrating “easier said than done” category. How will you reach your resolutions? Will you follow a fad, pop a miracle pill, plaster a poster on the wall? There’s a multibillion-dollar “self-help” industry for a reason, right?

Impatience interferes with changing our habits. We expect instantaneous results, while ignoring how our habits were formed over a lifetime, and we get discouraged if we don’t somehow change overnight.

We hate feeling enslaved to any habit, for example, like being hooked on tobacco. It took time, but I quit chewing 30 years ago when I was up to two tins a day — change is hard, but hard doesn’t mean impossible.

One school of thought states that our habits follow a cue, a routine and a reward. The cue is what triggers your actions, the routine is the behavior, then the reward is the sense of satisfaction you feel from the experience — just tweak those and voila...

So, how do we really change our habits? Good intentions alone will fail to transform us. Motivation is necessary, but it’s insufficient. What we need is someone cheering us on.

New Year’s resolutions often flounder because they’re just swayed by seasonal influences. Worse yet, they rely on willpower — whatever area of life you want to change, forget trying it by yourself. Whether you want to kick bad habits or kickstart good ones, lean into our faith of “one anothers.” Christianity is about transformation through fellowship. If you have one person in your corner rooting for you, you are more likely to succeed.

It’s true for folks who want to eat healthier, exercise more or simply take steps toward bettering their life. If you want to read your Bible more and watch less TV, get back into a church, be present for your family more, or simply go walking after supper every evening. It’s harder going solo. Just read Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 and see.

So yes, plan to lose weight, quit smoking, eat better, pay off your credit card debt, get on a budget, whatever else you can think of to be healthier and happier — just not alone. We think we are stronger than we are. Perhaps we are when it comes to facing challenges, perhaps not when it comes to change.

It’s difficult to overcome our dependence, independently. Embracing our weakness sounds counterproductive, yet the way of the Cross is surrender and submission. It’s about death to self, it’s about His strength being sufficient, it’s about obedience to the Holy Spirit, and it’s about encouraging fellow believers. The key to successfully changing is mutual interdependence, in any and every season.

First published in the TimesNews click here

Oh, you showed me

 

To all who made it a point to teach me a lesson and who “showed me” I say thank you. 

You showed me, those who wanted to punish or alienate me that I was stronger than my fears.  You taught me how to overcome and that feeling sorry for myself isn’t necessary.  You gave me the courage to face even greater challenges.

To those who showed me, unconditional love, thank you for showing me I am worthy of love and fellowship.  You taught me the value of acceptance and the joy of receiving grace.  I didn’t deserve your kindness and yet you blessed me anyway.

To those who somehow saw talent, ability, and strengthens within me, thank you for the courage to invest your time in me.  You taught me the importance of mentoring and the rewards of edification.  I could never have reached my potential without you.

Whether they wanted to hurt me or help many people have shown me truths about myself I would never have imagined possible myself.  People who sought to enrage me or encourage me have all played a vital role in shaping me into the person I am.  So, I say thank you to you who “showed” me.  

Spend time with Amish people

Tammy and I stopped at the Powell mountain overlook on the way to the Amish Fellowship 

 Over the last few years we have pumped concrete for Amish contractors in our region, and it has been a great blessing. In fact this year I pumped concrete for them at their community center, it happened to be on my birthday. Tammy told them it was my birthday, so they sang happy birthday to me, they had the little children sing hymns, and they made coffee and donuts for me. I cried.  It will forever be etched in my heart and my mind, that day was truly special.  

Tonight, Tammy and I were invited to that same community center for a fellowship meal. It was delicious.  They slaughtered two hogs yesterday, cooked them in the ground the old fashioned way, and had all the sides. Their apple Pie was the best we’ve ever had. 

I share all this to say, you really should spend time with Amish people. I’ve spent a good bit of time with them over the last few years working, and I believe you’d be enriched by knowing the Amish too. 

You probably think of their clothing and culture and think, Why? Why get to know them and why are they so different?

Here are some reasons I think it’s in our interest to mingle with the Amish:

They model modesty. Our over sexualized world could uses a dose of sensible sensory stimulation, or more accurately non-stimulation. Obviously they know about intimacy, they seem to have 6 to 8 children in each household. 

They are family centered people. Who you marry matters to them.  The children and their rearing are a priority.  They have established families and bonds that many of us could learn from.

The have great moral bearings. We live in a world where we lack trust in our government, schools, and scientists.  Ethics and morality seem to be neglected by and large, mostly ignored by nearly everyone it seems, and it’s good to be around a community of people like the Amish who value wholesomeness. 

They live simply. They make their own clothes, raise their own food. Educate their own children.  There’s something to be said for the independence they have, their self sufficient lifestyle. None of their kids had their noses glued to a screen. The 10 year olds carried on their hips the infants. The adolescent ones listened to adults in conversation.  The teens acted like young adults, mature and friendly and polite and respectful.  

They have traditions that ground them. Do I agree with them and long for the traditions they have, some yes others no. The tradition of their ancestors and culture isn’t the important reason or the draw, the tradition and their ability to pass on their heritage and traditions and the inter generational cohesion is admirable. You have to witness it for yourself perhaps to appreciate the beauty and impact.  

They are people of the earth, you could say the salt of the earth. They follow the seasonal pattern of planting and harvesting, they care for the livestock. They enjoy an abundance of blessings living an agricultural existence, one that most Americans have run away from. Less than 6% of us live on a farm anymore, we might have traded off more of the good life then we bargained for when we “advanced” our standard of living.  

They’ve also made a habit of centering their communities around worship.  The majority of people claim some sort of religious belief, but less than 40% of Americans attend church. The Amish have built their world around their faith, while many of us build our faith around the world. 

It’s pure escapism to fantasize about shirking our worldly responsibilities or living off the grid and getting back to nature. We are too addicted to technology and comfort. Which I’m part of. I’d be a hypocrite to say otherwise.  I’m not advocating that you ditch your job in the city and move into the Amish paradise nearest you. And yet. 

And yet, I believe it would do our souls, all of us, good to spend time with humbly-minded, loving, trustworthy people who champion a healthy lifestyle that deserves more respect and appreciation from us. I consider the Amish I know to be genuine friends. They make me laugh, have made me cry. They make me feel welcome. And I feel better about this world and my life whenever I’m around them. 

Appreciation for those who rescue us

On Friday the 13th it’s simply superstitious to be afraid of experiencing an unlucky tragedy.  As silly and spiritually-unhealthy as this sounds people seem to be more in tune to potential calamities, tending to worry more about their safety today than on other days.   But have you considered, saving others from danger is rarely safe?

Too often we take for granted the heroic people who serve our community, brave people who step in and save us from all sorts of dangers, our police, EMTs, and firefighters deserve our respect.  I’m reminded of John 15:13 whenever I think of people who risk their safety to rescue us: “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”

Saving others from danger is rarely safe, yet for some placing themselves in harm's way comes through a personal sacrifice.  There are people who actually relinquish their vacation time and days off to free up their time to serve Kingsport -- a group most of us mistakenly think are on the city’s payroll.  They not only volunteer their time to rescue us from every type of catastrophic incident imaginable, but astonishingly these folks actually raise the money themselves to purchase the expensive vehicles and lifesaving equipment that are required to rescue us.  (See their website here: Kingsport Lifesaving Crew)

Whether it’s a natural disaster or an industrial accident, from cave and trench rescues, to swift-water and remote rescues, to extracting victims from demolished vehicles, to many other dangerous scenarios (you have seen their heavy-crash truck which looks much like a fire department vehicle and their light rescue vehicle which looks like an ambulance) these highly trained folks with specialized skills are on call 24/7/365.  Not only do they donate their time, they completely depend on grants and charitable contributions to outfit the organization.  

Until recently, I had no idea the Kingsport Lifesaving crew operated as a volunteer organization, or that they raised their funding.  Just because this knowledge increases my appreciation for the folks on the Kingsport Lifesaving Crew, this doesn’t lessen my respect or appreciation for those on the city’s payroll who place themselves in danger to rescue us as well; it is simply a different type of appreciation.  

Both the paid professionals and the highly trained volunteers serve us in times of great need, and we would be in dire straits without these brave individuals.  I doubt our police and firefighters show up just for a paycheck, it is in a sense a ministry when you think about it -- when you combine their efforts with a volunteer organization dependent upon donations, our admiration naturally increases as well.  

Paul wrote in Romans 13:7, “Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed.”  I hope as a community we honor and appreciate these brave folks who stare down danger and step in to save us.  Thank you to everyone who forfeits their comfort, risks their personal safety, and who stands in the way of danger to rescue us -- I don’t believe in luck, but I do believe in you.

Originally published in Kingsport Times News:

Click here for the newspaper version

 

Should you read “Tucker”?

 

Without glossing over his mistakes and freely sharing his regrets, Tucker shares his thoughts and feelings openly, these often feeling like stream of consciousness ideas are woven throughout as Moore brings out tidbits of information and background on Tucker throughout the entire book.  It was a somewhat bittersweet read, I’ve been a huge fan for years, but there’s a sophomoric side to Tucker that lacked class and was disappointing as well.  

Whether you think Tucker Carlson is brilliant or a bombastic buffoon, scholar or showman, insightful iconoclast or shortsighted grifter, you might consider reading Moore’s biography.  Will this book help you determine if Tucker is sincere or a snake oil salesman, a sage or simpleton?    The book is an opportunity to form a better informed opinion of one of the most influential people in today’s marketplace of ideas.  

Carlson has been labeled a racist, bigot, and homophobe.  It could be a calculated ploy or something otherwise, but it’s telling that Tucker allowed Chadwick Moore the opportunity to write this bio considering Moore is an openly gay man.  Tucker's longtime TV producer, Wells, also is gay, and the book goes to great lengths to expound on Well's "marriage" and the close working relationship Tucker shares with Wells.  

To have an honest critique of the man, don’t just hate a caricatures of Tucker, that is immature.  Moore is no Walter Isaacson or Ron Chernow but he’s good enough for what he does here.

What Moore does here is give a background into Tucker you probably haven’t been exposed to.  Charmed or privileged, you decide.  He definitely had opportunities many do not, but he also worked hard to make the most of the advantages he received.

You learn about Carlson and the life that shaped him. From his mother abandoning him at a young age, to being raised by his permissive father, to growing up in California, to his educational background, you get an inside look at Tucker you won’t find anywhere else. 

You might be surprised to read about his close friendship with Hunter Biden.  His continued admiration of Rachel Maddow.  Or his stint working at PBS. Or how he failed to graduate from college. Or his decision to abstain from alcohol after years of functional alcoholism.  Or, that he doesn’t own a TV, wear deodorant, or socks.  

Why should we all read this book? Carlson held record ratings on Fox, and his Twitter/X videos have had hundreds or millions of views. He is a lightning rod controversial subject, but he’s not without influence. Cultural differences aside, anyone with the audience capacity Carlson has should be looked into beyond one’s personal preferences. 

Tucker Carlson is just about as polarizing is Donald Trump, but he seems to be way more interesting. As with any celebrity or public figure, you see a side of them they want you to see. I don’t doubt this book is promotional for the author and the subject, and you have to filter what you read, but even so I think this book holds value.  

Fortunately the book isn’t presented as an idyllic gushy “oh look at perfect me” by any stretch.  Even though I appreciated learning more about him, I lost some respect for Tucker while reading the book.  

His gratuitous swearing seems juvenal.  For someone who makes his living in communication, he should know swearing is lazy.  I cringed at the repeated F bombs, not because I’m a prude but the repeated swearing felt so tacky, tasteless, and it simply lacked class. It seemed like a huge contradiction to the persona he tires to portray.  

In the end, the book left me with mixed feelings.  I like Tucker and his approach to current events.  I didn't like everything he had to say or how he said it when he was being quoted in the book, which I guess is healthy, I'm a fan (still) but I'm not a follower.  

Why travel: The magic of the moment

Tammy and I just returned from the U.P of Michigan.  It is a land of birch trees, hardwood-forests, lakes, and friendly people.  Very friendly!  My eyes were opened to more than just God's beautiful creation as we sat alongside Lake Superior at the uppermost tip of the U.P.  

I had an epiphany of sorts as we lazily strolled along the rocky shoreline of a lake that looks ocean-like when you try to take it all in.  For the first time in my life, I feel like I finally found the truest value in traveling.  I was so inspired by the sensation, I sat down at a beachside picnic table and tried desperately to capture thoughts that were rushing a thousand miles an hour through my brain.  

If asked to choose between buying a new car or an equally expensive trip, the practical side of us logically would lean towards getting a car.  The practical side of us would practically scream, "buy the car!"  You can't keep the trip or the travel, so why spend the money, time and effort to travel?  What if instead of seeing traveling as an optional luxury, we saw it as an activity that needs to be prioritized? 

 

Traveling might just be the best way we refresh and relax, but that is a paradox because, traveling is expensive, inconvenient, it's down right exhausting.  Booking flights only to zip though the terminal hoping you are on time.  Renting rooms that are less than spotless, at times.  You miss your own pillow, the comforts of home, and the ability to raid your own fridge anytime you want to.  

So with all the hazards and hassles, why travel?  Or better yet, why is travel good for your soul?

A change of scenery is good from time to time, even though it comes at a cost.  What is about travel that makes it so beneficial and therapeutic? 

Yes, new and different sights stimulate our minds, causing us to see life in a new way, to think new thoughts, but more than these, travel causes us to grapple with time.  Specifically, to wrestle with the here and now.  

It is difficult to be present in the moment, and to be aware of being present in the here and now.  Travel is an intangible gift, you can't hold onto it, but you enjoy it all the more because it is passing, but you are in the moment, present, and alive.  

We can't keep anything of traveling.  Souvenirs are merely talisman, miserable ones at that lacking any magic at all -- they are keepsakes, touchstones, but in the end just mere reminders.  Travel itself, the eating foreign foods, seeing the unfamiliar, meeting people who speak-think-act-sound differently, you can't package up those experiences at a roadside tourist trap.  

Travel reminds us of the transient nature of life.  Visiting, journeying, the pilgrimage -- the act of traveling itself is so beneficial and necessary for our wellbeing because it is perhaps the one time in our lives we are attentive to "the moment."  Yes, the trip is stored in our memories, but what is in our mind isn't transferable with an exchange of currency, it can't be mounted on the wall, frozen in place, or saved for later.  

Travel is about "now."  It is exciting, stimulating, interesting, entertaining, only as it happens.  

We live in the now but our minds are perpetually shifting elsewhere, ebbing and flowing like the tide, drifting to the past or obsessing about the future, or daydreaming about how "if only..."  It is while we travel we are sensitive or perhaps more sensitized to the present.  

Throughout life, most of the time we either grieve past loses, or anticipate a better future.  We stay consumed with a past we can't change and a future we aren't promised.  Travel has the element of the red dot on every map in every rest area that declares, "You are Here"  We only savor this "You are Here" element in transit, in the movement of travel.

Whether it's the sand between our toes, or trying to see all of an unending forest, or to take in all of the strange and delightful tastes, sights, smells, or to feel the warm caress of the ocean breeze on your entire body, to pause for the musical sound of a roadside waterfall, these all cease when the trip ends.  Try as we might, we can't recreate these experiences at home.   

We can try to re-live these wonderous experiences in our memories, but we never seem to be able to duplicate the pure joy of the moment, of the discovery, the exploration, or the amazement we experience while we travel.  That experience we long to embrace eternally is too temporary.    

To pause and reflect on being in the here and now, to actually enjoy the day for what it is, to take a break from the daily grind of chores, responsibilities, and the other obligations of life and to really enjoy the moment.  To do otherwise would be like farming the land in season and out, but never harvesting the crops.  

This is the gift travel imparts, it is harvesting the fruits of our labors.  Maybe this is why traveling together multiplies the joy of travel.  You witness the smile, see the relaxation, experience the satisfaction together -- you know what you have in the moment is special yet now there is an external confirmation to let you know this moment is real.

You'll remember the moment better, together, with more clarity and celebration as together you reflect on the trip.  There's always more fun & laughter traveling with your ever-after.

Appreciating what the locals take for granted daily, soaking it all in, knowing more than likely you'll never be here again, this sensation is invaluable, maybe worth more than getting this year's newest gadget of the day.  This gift of travel is priceless for our personal growth and development, it helps us appreciate the here and now.  

The mysterious rapture we feel as we travel enriches our souls like nothing else on earth.  Our eyes eagerly devouring the landscape, envisioning the vividness of it all, taking in a sky that on this day seems somehow bluer and brighter.  The treetops all seem taller.  The lakes all look clearer.  And our troubles all feel smaller.  Even the flowers, grass, and simples stones capture our interest and attention like never before, as if we had emerged from a dank cave and removed the blindfolds we've worn our entire life.  

When else can you recall allowing yourself the child-like luxury of lingering around, for example, to admire architecture that otherwise would be deemed ordinary?  It's ironic we pause to even look at this or that while we travel when you consider how a week on the road flies by faster than a shooting star whenever you travel near or far.

Somehow, standing in the shadow of an old statue, sipping whatever from a paper cup, it now tastes better than when we are drinking the same beverage from our best crystal or ceramic mugs at home.  Shuffling silently though a museum or an art gallery, suddenly our steps have renewed purpose.     

Eventually all of us make one final trip, but before then, travel far and wide and soak up as much of this world as you can.  Travel is no longer optional in my book, it is the best gift we can give ourselves.  

Raising A culture of Unruly Rudeness: At what cost?

Without trying to sound like the prophet of doom, we aren’t preparing our children for independence, we are preparing them for incarceration. Everyone pays the price when we devalue discipline. 

Certainly not every child these days is a hellion, so at the risk of sounding like a crotchety old curmudgeon, the problem of disrespectful children is out of control. To be clear, I’m talking about poor attitudes, troublemaking, and the rejection of respect that is rampant today, not rambunctious children simply being innocent kids.

People are fed up with ill-mannered children, not energetic kids. For example, school is back in session but we never seem to have enough bus drivers. But this perennial issue isn’t because we’re lacking qualified drivers as a society; few people are willing to tolerate contemptuous children or the lack of support when it comes to disciplining them.

The difficulty in recruiting/retaining bus drivers (or substitute teachers) highlights how malignant our problem with disrespect has become. Somehow we’ve managed to raise a generation of punks who our own grandparents would be ashamed of and no one seems to bat an eye.

Why have school districts across the country abolished disciplining students? As a child if I misbehaved at school, I could expect to be disciplined at school and then again at home. Maybe schools have backed off on correction because they have lost parental support, fearing the wrath of helicopter and bulldozer parents.

On top of that, we’ve nurtured a generation of entitled “adults” who’ve never quite grown up. Man, I do sound like a grumpy old man but I’m tired of our cultural immaturity and the fact that we are ignoring it. This problem isn’t going to fix itself and it is only going to get worse -- we are on a dangerous trajectory which won’t end well without a course correction.

Do manners really matter? Is being polite a virtuous trait? How have we failed as a culture to instill courteousness and consideration in our youth?

What has corrupted our uncivilized youth? Like Dennis Rodman's disclaimer nearly 30 years ago, “I’m no role model,” we can’t blame it on Homer & Bart Simpson’s influence either, even if the Simpsons is the longest running TV series, racking up the most seasons and episodes of any show in history. Perhaps prioritizing etiquette, values, and ethics are all on a downward spiral because of our decline in church attendance?

Where does the societal responsibility lay for rearing respectful young adults? At our feet, we can’t expect our schools or our churches to raise our kids for us. Respect begins in the home.

Many parents struggle with actually parenting, because they are tempted to be their child’s friends instead, but these “cool” parents aren’t doing their children any favors. “Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death. A man of great wrath will pay the penalty, for if you deliver him, you will only have to do it again. Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.” (Prov 19:18-20)

Not many people “like” discipline, self-discipline is a struggle. Proper diet and exercise are fundamental to our wellbeing, yet why do people often pay for personal trainers and coaches? Because they want someone to do the discipline for them, but others can’t discipline for us, it has to be us.

We will either endure the pain of discipline, or the pain of regret -- one is beneficial and one is not, you decide which is best. Hebrews 12:11, “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

When parents raise ill-mannered disrespectful children, we all suffer. Prov 29:15-17, “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. When the wicked increase, transgression increases, but the righteous will look upon their downfall. Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.”


The deeper problem contributing to the rise of rude children might not be poor family dynamics, a lack of leadership in our schools, or people neglecting church attendance. Instead the real bedrock issue is, to our own detriment, no one believes in consequences anymore.

The disheartening rage over "Rich men north of Richmond"

 

The internet has exploded once again.  Beware of the right-wingers! is the mantra of every liberal outlet this weekend.  Why are they in an uproar? Everyone that works for a living is posting Oliver Anthony's anthem, "Rich men north of Richmond" 

Obviously the location north of Richmond is Washing DC.  Who can argue with Anthony that the Swamp is corrupt and the politicians we voted in are loathsome scum?  Not me.  He's hit a nerve and everyone's feeling the pain.  

What we do with the pain is vital for our mental and emotional wellbeing. 

It’s easier to criticize a creative work of art than it is to create something yourself, the song is catchy it’s well written and performed flawlessly, it's very well done.  My goal isn't to critique the music.  The problem seems to be a cultural bait & switch:  Bad men in DC, to unfair wages, to woe is me.  

My overall guess is Anthony wants to motivate us, but to what and how to?  He probably doesn't know the answers to get us out of our problems anymore than any of us know how.   He's fed up like the rest of us.  

His vocals are amazing, the main point of the song is spot on, so I'm not criticizing Anthony, I'm raising an awareness that’s obviously missing in the conversation over capitalism and the fact for a lot of people hard work doesn't seem to payoff.  I am a capitalist, but I'm also a realist and I'm keenly tuned into the feelings I hear expressed every day.  

Life is hard.  The system is rigged.  There are no easy answers and I can't pretend to have the answers to the problems with getting ahead in life.  The song  "Rich men north of Richmond" is just one example of the angst that everyone is feeling these days.  My goal here is to address my fears and concerns for the mental & emotional wellbeing that come along when we feel powerless and oppressed.  

Any advice I could offer always can be labeled as "that's easier said than done" or looked upon as "who are you to say?"   There are no easy answers to the problems we all face these days.  But I worry about how we are making matters worse for ourselves when we don't ask deeper questions or analyze how our rage without action consumes us then cripples us.  

I believe Anthony is well-intentioned and has every right to voice his well thought out and accurate opinion.  But if nothing changes for you after you digest the song, you'll be in a worse headspace than you were before you memorized the song, and that worries me.  

I’m not interested in fault finding or finding flaws in the song or the musician, it’s concern for the audience I'm take issue with. Compliance, is still compliance even if you complain about it, but are we hurting ourselves further by our reactions to the situation while we are at a loss for a response?  

There is no call to action, not anywhere it seems.  I love Tucker Carlson, he raises these same issues we hear in this song and more, but I have yet to hear words to live by from Tucker or anyone.  I do not know what is the best course of action to take to fix the system, but I do know we are crippling ourselves as a culture emotionally by our woundedness coupled to our inaction. 

I have a high tolerance for other people's pain on most issues, but not so much on this issue.  I feel anxious and worried for the young people just getting started, and it hurts to see people I know and love trapped in the quicksand of misery.  My fear and concern for everyone is that if his message doesn't inspire anyone to action then the inaction that follows the rage truly is more demoralizing than the situation itself.  

There’s a world of difference between sounding like an angry teenager who’s mad at mom and dad and a mature adult who takes responsibility for their life, and here again I'm taking about the audience not the musician.  The resulting problem with songs like this is they typically leave the crowd in a victim mentality, mentally & emotionally immobilized.  

Please ask yourself: What changes when you feel fed up with the man keeping you down?  Nothing. You’ll still clock in Monday morning, only angrier and more fed up.  But how does that help you?

The weekend will pass, your paycheck half gone to taxes and you feel helpless. Feeling worse about your situation isn't healthy.  Failure to take a risk to is a failure to reap the rewards. Over time, enviously stewing in feelings of weakness instead of being defiant against the problems or The Man, begins to leave one feeling defeated.  

My criticism isn’t leveled at the musician, and it's not meant to be harsh.  When we jump on the bandwagon “the man is keeping me down” it only seems to increase our emotional suffering.  Pouting about the Man feels good over the weekend but then Monday comes and that pouting turns to self-loathing, and you begin to hate yourself for you've let the Man do to you. 

I wish it was as easy as saying "Toss your tea in the harbor, refuse to participate in a system that you sustain, start your own company, stand together and make a difference." But I know those words ring empty and smack of pride.  

Whatever you choose, to do something different or not on Monday morning, I know that wallowing in self-misery isn't what anyone wants for themself.  All I want to do here is ask that everyone sees the personal harm we do to ourselves when we only look at our problems and we don't look for solutions.  

When they talk about you/How to sift through petty conversations & be a better friend

 

It’s slightly ironic that people in our region are more likely to believe you if you say you spotted a Bigfoot than if you claim to have seen a mountain lion.  I actually saw a mountain lion here in Kingsport, it ran out right in front of me while I was driving, plain as day, yet one of the neighbors asked if I also saw a unicorn as well.  

Which is easier for us to see in others, the good or the bad? Somehow we’ve unwisely come to the point in our culture where we eagerly accept bad news about others and we tend to see the worst in people immediately. Conversely, we tirelessly wait for their “true colors” to come out if they seem to be behaving nicely. 

Most people will blindly listen to someone slam us and they will carelessly deem we are guilty instantly-- much quicker than they will ever believe our success stories.   I’m not sure I understand why we struggle with this willfully, but if someone tells us the preacher’s teenage daughter is pregnant, unthinkingly we don’t question it, but if we hear the child was an honor roll student, suddenly we are skeptical.  

It’s bad enough when immature people spread trash-talk like politicians poisoning the well and slinging mud in a primary debate, it’s worse when we hastily entertain these accusations. Without even analyzing what we’ve heard or “going to the source” we often pass on this embarrassing information so others can “pray more intelligently.”  Remember James 1:26 and the warning to control what we say, “If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.”

We are quick to gossip, judge, and quick to scandalize -- like we read in Prov 16:28, “A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.”  Shame on us when we recklessly ruin other people’s reputations.   

Mature people, on the other hand, know how to ask the right questions when they hear something troubling and they know how to practice discretion.  Mature people also have enough common sense and integrity to steer clear of toxic conversations.  Proverbs 27:6, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”

You already wonder what slanderous people say about you when you are absent, but ask yourself when someone is sharing scandalous information about a common companion with you, why are they telling me this bit about this other person and why at this time?  Why would they try to smear this other person’s reputation now? Also it’s good to ask yourself, does this bad report match up with what you’ve personally experienced over the long run with the person in question?  

A mature person knows how to filter through what they hear and they know how to interpret motives.  Therefore, pause and think about it the next time someone starts talking poorly about other people you know because you will see what you want to see in others, if you want it long enough.  

There's a popular meme that summarizes the ease at which people will spread false information about us, and how we can respond as mature adults: 

Finally Finding out who really fathered me

 

(Left to right, me, Ken, Virgil, Cecil Cottongim.  It was the last time the three brothers saw each other)

For the life of me I'll never know why or understand Cecil, my dad, told me at the age of 11 that my mom had an affair with one of his brothers.  True or not, why would any adult tell their child about such a scandalous event, so close to home?  It seems demented to me to burden a child with this information.  Cecil didn't stop with that story either, he went on with countless stories of my mom's infidelity.  

Soon as an 11 year old I started doing the math, and the timing seemed awfully close to when the stork delivered me.  For over 40 years the question hung out there for me, who actually was my biological father, Cecil or his brother?  If you've known me long or well at all, you've heard me joke about this with phrases like "My uncle-daddy" and not being sure which one was my dad, the guy who raised me or his sinister brother who Cecil demonized till the day he died.  

Thanks to modern technology and the wonders of DNA, the big mystery is finally solved, Tammy gifted me with the 23 & me DNA test and tonight we read the results for the first time.  It's somewhat anticlimactic, after all I'm 55 years old, Cecil is dead, the living brother is in his 80's, and what would it really change if Cecil wasn't my "real" father?  

It turns out, all that awkwardness and questioning and curiosity I carried with me over the decades like a wooden-nickel was useless.  Cecil is my dad and his brother came out on the DNA test as "Uncle," it didn't read "Daddy-uncle" or anything close to daddy, much like my uncle said all of the many years, all along.  My uncle is my uncle and no more.  If you read this uncle, sorry I doubted you.  

Knowing the truth now feels weird.  I'm not happy or sad, nor disappointed or elated.  I didn't know what to expect, I didn't really consider how I would feel, one way or the other.  It just feels, weird.  Almost numb, but yes tonight, weird.   Maybe a little disoriented?

It is rather strange in a sense after these years of wondering about it to finally have a definitive answer, and I suppose you could say to have closure now too.  I guess I should feel embarrassed for considering, contemplating, or entertaining the idea that my uncle could've fathered me.  I need to forgive the 11 year old Craig who tried to make sense of a completely messed up situation.  Honestly, instead of feeling embarrassed, I'm more disappointed in Cecil for sharing the ugly family secret that my mom was unfaithful and for causing me so much self-doubt throughout my childhood and adult life.  

By no sense was I traumatized by this, it's dysfunctional but not detrimental, but the burden of carrying this question for so long and the tension and the fracture/division this caused ruptures family dynamics and has had ripple effects.  It caused me trust-issues with female relationships as a young adult, and it certainly disrupted family ties along the way.     

If there's a lesson to be learned here, some piece of wisdom I could distill and syphon off for you, I'm not aware of it yet.  I guess at this point I'd say, be cautious with what you burden your offspring with, be attentive to your spouses, and be willing to be proved wrong about ideas you hold to.    

Don't be blinded by the light

 Recently some wiseguy behind me had his bright lights on during my entire drive down 11W, and honestly, I couldn’t wait for my turn to brightlight him.  All I could think about for ten solid minutes was that once he passed me, I’d show him how it felt...  Then he suddenly changed lanes, finally, only to enter the Pinnacle -- robbing me of my chance to get even!

Then it hit me.  While I was irritated, obsessing over “my turn” to brightlight him, I spoiled God’s blessings surrounding me.  The drive from Kingsport to Bristol on 11W is pleasant, not to mention the sunrise I completely ignored while being consumed with the situation.  I allowed myself to be preoccupied with getting even, ruining the beauty of that morning.  

Sadly, I gave up control.  I could’ve slowed down or pulled over and let the guy with the bright lights pass me.  I could’ve increased my speed slightly and instead of self-righteously using my cruise control, move along a little quicker and escape his bright lights.  

When we are offended we assume we know the other person’s motivations, but the chances are there are circumstances we’ve no clue about.  The guy following me might not have realized his brights were on, or maybe his headlights needed repairing and only worked on bright.  Instead of looking for the best in people (like we all want for ourselves) the lens of vengeance blinds us, it distorts reality by showing us people in the worst possible light.  

Seeking vengeance not only ignores God’s command to let Him take care of it, we neglect God’s command to love others, to treat others how we want to be treated, and we forget about not judging others by a higher standard.  Vengeance (which can’t undo the past) doesn’t bring out the best in us, it brings out our worst -- reducing us even lower than our “villain’s” own character, maybe that’s why Prov 19:11 says, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”

Vengeance robs us of enjoying our blessings, it dehumanizes the people we hope to punish, it steals God’s role of administering justice properly all the while pretending we are the only important person in the universe.  Whenever we withhold grace for whatever reasons, we forfeit the foundation of our faith -- demonizing others is destructive to our souls.  

Vengeance is problematic, namely, we can’t control it once we unleash it.  We hear too often of how drive-by shootings turn out -- think about the toddler in a highchair or kindergartner watching TV on the couch caught in the crossfire.  

Most of the time, our motivations are petty/immature because vengeance deceives us into believing we are all-powerful but instead it reveals just how weak we really are.  Worst of all, the desire for revenge becomes our god because we practically worship it, giving it all of our attention, allowing it to dominate us, freely giving it our strongest devotion possible.

Originally published in the Kingsport Times News 6/23/23

https://www.timesnews.net/living/features/craig-cottongim-dont-let-vengeance-blind-you/article_c162fdfe-fb1c-11ed-a129-f333e5b8879a.html?fbclid=IwAR1Y_6OdMBNn6qC-qDHocpPZZlbU3_55yRHnw25iV2GL6hP9UiXWySeSyI0

The key to succeed in Concrete Construction

Concrete is one of the toughest and most rewarding jobs on the planet, not everyone who starts out working concrete finishes strong.  What is the determining factor that separates those who make it from those who fail in our industry?

Being a second generation concrete tradesman, I'm of the opinion that the number one indicator of your  success is beyond your personal talent, drive, ambition, skill, or opportunity.  Success comes down to having a supportive spouse, one that understands the nature of our industry, and can be understanding of its demands.  

I have worked concrete in several different states and I've been involved in several different areas of concrete, from footing crews, foundations crews, flatwork crews, both residential and commercial, I have worked in both union and non-union, I had the blessing of writing for Concrete Construction (My author page at Concrete Construction) for seven years while they were still operational, and these days we own our own concrete pumping business (Our pumping website).  In all the years and in all of the different experiences, for me personally and from what I've observed in others, having a spouse that is behind you, supports you, believes in you, and can work with you in whatever their capacity is, that is the key to succeeding in concrete. 

How do we develop a relationship with our spouse that leads towards their better understanding of what we do?  Communication is vital.  My wife and I talk about everything and the everyday stuff that happens on our jobs daily, and over the years she has gained invaluable insights into concrete.  She knows all the technical jargon as well as "how to" in most all areas of placing and finishing concrete.  She has helped me pump concrete multiple times as well as finish concrete over the years.  I can honestly say I couldn't do what I do without her and I wouldn't be where I am without her.

Also, to bring your spouse along with you, it is important to attend concrete centered events, together.  My wife and I have gone to the World of Concrete together a few times.  We have gone to other concrete seminars together, we enjoy growing and learning, together.  We have grown in our appreciation of our great industry together over the years.

Another way to partner with your spouse is to introduce your spouse to other contractors, other concrete folks, and this includes the sales-folks, dispatchers, and plant managers at the ready-mix plant.  When your spouse sees themselves on the same level relationship-wise as you are with other people in our industry, they have buy-in and they are as invested in the relationships as you are.  

Bounce ideas about concrete off of your spouse, bid jobs together, set prices together.  Include each other as much as possible.  The stronger your marriage is, the better headspace you occupy.  Think of all of the time lost when co-workers go through a divorce.  Think of how non-productive folks on the crew are when they are fighting with their spouse.  

No other earthly relationship you have will influence your work like that with your spouse (not to take away from your relationship spiritually with God).  Therefore, include your spouse and involve them as much as possible, and the more you grow together in our industry the more successful you'll be.  

The real problem with Tucker Carlson that no one talks about

 

The problem with Tucker Carlson, you say?  The problem with Tucker Carlson is obviously going to be different for many different people, yet there is one single problem nearly all people have with him be it friend or foe.  

If you are with Fox News the problem is, why won't he just go away? The problem with Tucker Carlson if you are in D.C. or the White House isn't is he right?  It's what if the people believe him?  But for the rest of us, what's the real problem?  And yes there is a problem.  

Some people will say the problem with Tucker Carlson is that he's just an entertainer and he takes no responsibility for what he has said, right or wrong.  He's not to be trusted, that's the consensus for many of Tucker's detractors.  But this isn't the real problem we have with Tucker.  There are plenty of talkingheads, politicians, and celebrities which people practically worship, yet we easily overlook their troublemaking, deceptions, their bending of truth, morals, or ethics, etc., so dependability or reliability isn't the real problem with Tucker Carlson.   If he was were merely a charlatan, you'd just ignore him like L. Ron Hubbard, but you can't because of the problem he poses to each of us.  

Nearly everyone has the same problem with Tucker, be it folks in politics, folks at Fox, folks at NPR or in the Cable News industry, and especially more than likely even his fans share.  The problem with Tucker Carlson in this day and age when we all have been bullied into submission, keeping our opinions to ourselves, the problem is, Tucker says what he thinks.  It should be refreshing, but it's not, it's infuriating to many of us.    

You think UFOS are real, there are some conspiracy theories that are in the realm of the possible, you don't like the LBGQ's militant agenda, you distrusted motivations of the people heading BLM, you question the last election, you don't think drag queens should read stories to kindergarteners, the list goes on, and even though you are in the majority, you are silenced by the fear of being censored or by offending someone.  Not Tucker.  Facebook jail will never deter him, nor will losing his job.  

Is he merely a provocateur?  Does he really believe the things he says?   Those questions don't matter, what troubles us is that he will say what he thinks, or for the benefit of those who doubt his sincerity, he says what he wants to say and he does it better than anyone else.  That's a problem, whether you believe him or not, he says whatever he wants to say and that makes everyone uncomfortable, it causes people to be resentful and bitter, because most everyone wishes they had the courage to say what was on their mind.

No one will have to forcefully take away our First Amendment rights if we allow peer pressure to rule over us and we keep our opinions to ourselves just so we can fit in or be accepted, or make complete strangers happy.  We all feel threatened by Tucker Carlson or challenged by him but for very different reasons.  Make no mistake about, there's a problem with Tucker Carlson, and that problem is that he reminds us of what dialogue and debate used to stand for, and how we all wish we could just "say it like it is."  

Overcoming hypocrisy/smashing church-masks

 

Sadly, religion seems like a magnet for phony people -- ironically, most hypocrites are also judgmental.  I can’t stomach fake christians because Hypocrisy provides people an excuse for unbelief in a world already struggling to believe. 

Stage actors in ancient Greece (called hypocrites) wore masks when they performed; “hypocrite” literally meant “An interpreter from underneath.” Jesus took a technical term hundreds of years old and repurposed it when He coined “hypocrite” to describe “supposed” people of faith who hid their misbehavior behind the trappings of their religion. 

How do we avoid being hypocrites?  Don’t pretend to be something you aren’t and embrace vulnerability, taking into account Eccl 7:20, “Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins.” 

The clearer you can see your own imperfections the less likely you are to be blinded by self-righteousness — the less aware you are of your own shortcomings the easier it is to focus on the flaws of others.

I used to worry about what other church members thought of me, as in, if they knew I wasn’t an infallible perfect christian, then they wouldn’t want me around -- they certainly wouldn’t have me as their preacher.  When we project a fake version of ourselves just to be accepted, that mission fails miserably. 

Pretending we are perfect is a lie, namely because we aren’t.  Also, pretending keeps people away who are honest with their own fallibilities, we are effectively saying, “You won’t fit in here,” then they can’t see a place at the Table for themselves.  Furthermore, when we pretend to be perfect and our imperfections eventually ooze out, it drives people away, destroying the reputation of the church.  

Jesus clarified His mission: Reach sinners, “And as he reclined at table in his house, many tax collectors and sinners were reclining with Jesus and his disciples, for there were many who followed him.  And the scribes of the Pharisees, when they saw that he was eating with sinners and tax collectors, said to his disciples, “Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?”  And when Jesus heard it, he said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.”  (Mk 2:15-17)

By the way, we all sin. 

When James wrote, “Confess your sins” it wasn’t as if church members could erase each other's sins -- James wasn’t suggesting we would be forgiven by God by confessing to another human.  “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” (James 5:16)  James was encouraging us to take off our “church mask” and to be vulnerable, to basically “keep it real.”  

In other words, relationships are strengthened and people live better lives when they accept mutual accountability and share their struggles instead of hiding them.  No one is perfect, yet for some reason too many christians attempt to project a vision of perfection, much to the detriment of the Body.

I’m not suggesting that we make excuses, forfeit our integrity, cast off all restraint, give up trying our best to live up to our Biblical standards, or that we cease pursuing spiritual maturity & God’s transformation.  I am saying, we don’t have the ability to be 100% flawless in this lifetime, it’s healthier to come to grips with our struggle and simply be honest about it than it is to hide behind a mask -- we need to be comfortable in our own skin and smash our church masks.  

Originally published 5/27/23 in the Kingsport Times News:

https://www.timesnews.net/living/features/craig-cottongim-pretending-we-are-perfect-is-a-lie/article_f72ded64-e513-11ed-b2a6-07fd0a51e9a7.html

Tucker Carlson, welcome to our world.

 Apparently Tucker Carlson has realized what preachers have known for generations, it is risky to speak your mind. There’s a price to be paid for speaking your mind when you communicate for a living. Tucker has experienced the weight of golden chains, this is a pressure well known to ministers and their families.

I learned early on in ministry that the church elder who determines what could be questioned or what questions could be addressed, and who dictates which topics are off limits, that person was the one who was in charge.  Tucker is learning about that firsthand himself, I feel like saying to Tucker, “hold my beer…”

I wish I always had the confidence I have now, to be able to freely speak my mind. Honestly, it is intimidating to know that your livelihood is on the line if you go against the grain. But it shouldn’t be that way. 

I’m not smart enough to know the difference between censorship and power-plays or control and manipulation I don’t know what end of the spectrum Tucker is on, I do not feel his first amendment rights are being violated, or that he is not allowed to speak his mind, he’s only deplatformed at Fox.  He’s too talented to stay on the sidelines for long  

If the Internet is to be trusted, Fox News is paying him handsomely to stay home. I don’t think he is suffering greatly, although I do think he is feeling the pressure of being repressed. 

Tucker, who I’m a fan of, just has to find his outlet. To be honest, I am surprised our local newspaper prints half of the columns that I submit. Also, I love blogging because here I can speak my mind freely and people are welcome to read or not, it is after all a free country.

By the way, if Tucker is in your opinion a persona non grata, sub him from the equation and insert Don Lemon, formally of CNN.   They were coincidently fired on the same day, I like Tucker, but choose your example however you like.  The point still stands, if you communicate for a living whenever you speak your mind, you take a risk.

So Tucker is experiencing how nasty it can get when you speak out and the folks holding the purse strings balk, ministers and their families have known this for a very long time, but there’s a bigger lesson that applies to us all here.

We do not have to agree with people to respect them, it is appropriate to have differing views and to dialogue about them. The problem that Tucker Carlson and his recent experience is highlighting is that we have lost the art of dialogue in this country. We have somehow drawn the wrong conclusion, we have decided as a culture that unanimity & total agreement are necessary for conversation.  Nothing could be further from the truth.