Why are we so different than our families?

 

John Hurley and Ronnie Wilkins wrote a popular song about (what is perhaps the greatest church cliché ever), a wild preacher’s son. After Aretha Franklin originally turned it down, Dusty Springfield was the first artist to record it. Growing up as a preacher’s daughter, Franklin thought the song was disrespectful. After “Son of a Preacher Man” became a huge hit Franklin released her own version. The rest is, as they say, history.

Politics aside, a question we rarely ask is why do children often grow up to be completely different than their parents? Instead we are more interested in a corollary question: Why do people growing up in the same home with the same parents, in the same neighborhood, attending the same primary schools, receiving the same ethical instructions and values, turn out to be very different adults?

How can the same household simultaneously produce an atheist, an agnostic and a believer? What causes family members living under the same roof their entire childhood to grow up to be police officers, others pastors, while some end up as prison inmates? Why do some children grow up to be pacifists while their siblings retire from the armed forces? How can the same family produce a scholar and then a salesman, with an artistic child seated at the table with their analytic sibling?

Why, for example, did my wife and I get married as teenagers, but my only sibling, my older brother, wait until he was 33 to get married? How is it, of our four sons, one was completely disinterested in college, two started but left, and only one son graduated?

Can you think of anything more puzzling in this life than the question of sibling diversity? This question is probably as old as Cain and Abel. It seems like a combination of nature and nurture must play a role in developing our individualism. After all, it is within our human nature to seek out our independence and a desire to create our own unique identity. It also seems like the harder children are forced into a certain mold, the more they rebel against their parents.

What shapes our disposition and character more than our upbringing? Yet, children with the same upbringing are so different, what accounts for these changes?

Hopefully with a few years under their belt, parents adapt their parenting styles and gain better parenting skills. So yes, we parent our children differently over our years of parenting. Also as the years pass, different siblings in any given family are also exposed to a variety of cultural influences, a multitude of opportunities, and unexpected choices.

Then again, there is a lot of unanticipated envy and resentment when our children perceive favoritism among their siblings. Children can rebel out of spite, feeling their siblings were pampered while they themselves were overly punished. Other children happen to fall in with the wrong crowd.

Some are rescued by a godsend of a spouse.

Other than our parents, our friend circles are probably the strongest influence on our personal development. Consider Paul’s powerful warning in I Corinthians 15:33, “Do not be deceived, bad company corrupts good character/morals.” Yes birds of a feather do flock together.

The reality is, there are no carbon copies when it comes to our children — the same home that raised an addict can turn out doctors or school teachers. Also, there is no such thing as a foolproof formula for child rearing. We need to tread cautiously when we try to encourage other frustrated parents with the old “Train up a child in the way they should go...” phrase. Proverbs 22:6 isn’t a guarantee that if we parent properly our children will make all the best choices in life. Proverbs 22:6 is a principle for parenting, not a promise of perfection.

Life is unpredictable. Perhaps there is no satisfactory answer as to why one child grows up to be cowardly while the other is courageous or why one child is an athlete and the other is a bookworm. But I’m not sure the deepest mystery of the universe is “why” do our children grow up to be so different, compared to a much greater mystery to me. Namely, why does God give us free will in the first place?

Originally published here: https://www.timesnews.net/living/features/craig-cottongim-why-are-siblings-so-different/article_a2cc657e-770f-11ed-b4d9-43ba86d2d2f5.html?fbclid=IwAR3tQ1xdUwadnFoTiax828i6fsbIHnPEjhQ-oMgIc0kuZUvrHyh0SJhHah8

When you grieve over a prodigal child

Have you ever been heartbroken by, or disappointed in one of your children?  Have any of your kids messed up, maybe they even embarrassed you in the process?  Did they run away, come home with an embarrassing/bizarre tattoo, experiment with drugs, stay out way too late with a boyfriend/girlfriend, wreck their car, maybe they called home for bail?  Did they ever tell you they didn’t believe in your God anymore?  

It hurts whenever our children exhibit behaviors that contradict their upbringing.  It can be devastating when a child you’ve raised pursues a divergent path.  During such dark times, it feels like the pain will never dissipate, and the future seems hard to navigate.  

One of the greatest mysteries in this life is how godly parents sometimes raise ungodly young adults.  You try your hardest, you do “everything right,” and in the end, some children reject everything you ever taught them.  It simply doesn’t make sense how some of the nicest, most faithful believers can have problems with their children.  

Nothing can be more painful for parents than watching, helplessly, as their children make choices that carry devastating consequences.  What can we do as parents when our children take a different path than the one we hoped for?  

This isn’t the time to make it about you.  If your child is on a self-destructive path, or simply slips up a little, that’s not the time to tell your child about how their actions are reflecting poorly on your reputation.  Chances are, they want to develop their own individuality/identity, and this time of acting-out reinforces they don’t care about your reputation anyway.  Besides, what are you really concerned about, in the big picture, what’s more important here, your image or their well-being?  

This isn’t a time to seclude yourself either.  Surround yourself with close friends who will support you spiritually and emotionally.  God put certain people in your life for a reason, trust in them, lean on them.  You might be surprised to find out they’ve been through some very similar situations with their own children too.  

This also isn’t the time to lock yourself in the basement until the storms of life clear up.  Go on a mini-vacation, get away for a day or two, and distance yourself from the situation so you can think clearly.  When we are anxious our ability to think rationally diminishes drastically; you need to relax and unwind so you can think logically.   

This isn’t a time to give up.  Don’t lose hope.  Keep praying.  Everyone has within themselves the potential to change.  Prov 22:6 isn’t a promise that your kids will never make mistakes or they will always be faithful, but it is a truism that when you lay the right foundation your kids will have a more stable future and a heritage to fall back on when they need it most, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

This isn’t a time to build walls or lock the door.  Don’t punish them forever.  Reality and consequences can often be punishment enough.  Will you need boundaries?  You’ll know, or your close friend will tell you.  The point here is trust in your children, that they can “come to their senses.”  Keep a lifeline open so when the time is right, you can welcome your prodigal home.

This is a time to reflect on your relationship with God.  Think about how you have, in your own ways and in other times, let Him down. No, I’m not talking about your parenting style, I’m not saying you failed as a parent and this is why your kids messed up.  I’m talking about you when you blew it in general.  How did you want Him to respond when you sinned, when you rebelled against His will, when you disappointed God?  You wanted grace.  You wanted redemption.  You wanted His acceptance and unconditional love -- therefore give away to others what you wanted most and let God be your example, not your excuse.