What I've learned over the last 36 years of April Fools' days

 

           (My 19th birthday, Tammy's treat at Benihanas, and the oldest picture of us that I know of)

I suppose it sounds a bit like cosmic comedy to say you met your spouse for the first time on April Fools' day, but 36 years ago on this day today I met the love of my life Tammy.  April 1st, 1987 I was hanging out with Pete Tunk, a friend since kindergarten and still is to this day, and that night he invited Tammy and friend over to hang out with us. 

Tammy had on a black shirt, khaki colored pants, and her radiant red hair was up in a ponytail, an image forever woven into my favorite memories.  The rest is, as they say, history.

That night, staring at Tammy I was mesmerized, enchanted, captivated, I was in love, and I knew she was the one, that she was going to be my future wife and barley over a year later she became my bride. So yes there is a "love at first sight" that lasts.  

Together we have brought children into this world, seen parents leave this world, and we have built a life together that is beyond blessed.  We've lived in different towns and states over the last three-plus decades, and no matter the distances we've traveled from our hometowns, we've only grown closer over the years  

We have an enduring love, a relationship that works, and we are happy together.  It's no cliché, we are actually best friends.

It sounds amazing, but true love grows closer over the years, I love Tammy more and more as each day goes by, as each month ends, as the years continue and as one decade blurs into the next.  I can't see myself ever not as a couple, never as just Craig, it will always be "Craig & Tammy"  or "Tammy and Craig"  but it never be just me.

What I've learned after all these years is that for love to work, yes God has to be at the center.  No surprise there.  We don't rush each other, we don't bully or pressure each other, we know how to cooperate.  We know how to be mutually supportive and work together.

Tammy has at every step of the way supported me.  Whether it was going back to school, being in ministry or starting our business, she has never doubted me or my abilities.  When I need time to write, she protects that time for me, and she is my greatest encourager.  She sees the best in me, even when I can't see it.  Especially when I can't.

We never talk poorly of each other to our friends, even on those days if we disagree.  We work through our problems.  We know how to argue without being combative.  We know how to complement and compliment each other.  We've learned the art of healthy relationships and how to be a buffer or to be buffered.  How & why?  Because we've made a choice to be there for each other and we know a solid relationship is worth it.

You can choose to love your spouse and to make their world a little better on a daily basis.  It is more rewarding to build your spouse up than to tear them down, or worse yet to simply ignore them or their needs.  Lots of love, lots of intimacy, lots of kind words, lots of affirmation builds for an exciting and enduring love-life.  

What else can I say?  Prioritize your spouse.  Support your spouse.  Encourage your spouse.  See the potential in your spouse.  Nurture your relationship, spend time together, learn to be less selfish and more thoughtful.  It's worth it.

So, after 36 years of knowing Tammy I have learned that life with your best friend is the best type of life.  I've learned that couples can thrive together through the ups & downs of life.  I've learned that "Till death do we part" is more than possible, it is paradise here on earth.  

When to burn the ships or our bridges...

 

What’s the difference between burning ships or burning bridges? Understanding the difference not only is a sign of maturity, it defines the health of your relationships.

In A.D. 1519, Cortez was concerned his crew could find the New World too difficult, possibly becoming so overwhelmed they might mutiny. So upon landing he burned 10 of his 11 ships, saving one to send gold back to the monarchy — a shrewd sign of dedication and commitment. Further back, the ancient Roman armies were the first ones to burn bridges in combat — cutting off their enemies, preventing their past problems from pestering their future.

These days, metaphorically, burning our ships is about destroying whatever prevents us from progressing. Burning our bridges is about distancing ourselves from whoever threatens us with regressing. When it comes to conflict, which one is best?

Regardless if you are arguing for a raise at work or embroiled in a custody battle with your ex, it is as difficult for the “other side” to see your side as it is for you to see theirs. Perhaps this is why arguing our sides is ineffective. We think that logic and reason will prevail, but many disagreements are emotionally charged, and the truth rarely matters in an argument. Too often we value being right more than we do the relationship.

Honestly, who is unbiased and able to see both sides of any argument? For example, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” (Proverbs 18:2)

When it becomes too heated, our temper gets the best of us. In the heat of the moment we immaturely say things in anger, burning our bridges. “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.” (Proverbs 15:18)

Often it’s better to control our tongue instead. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) So know when to take a break from talking. “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.” (Proverbs 17:14)

When we are entangled in a heated argument, sometimes it’s best to not argue but to patiently trust that the consequences will prove our side is correct. Arguing in a healthy way requires that we listen as much or more so than we speak. “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15)

Therefore, self-control is our most effective, productive and powerful tool when it comes to having a healthy argument. “Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” (Proverbs 16:32)

Too often we are afraid to let go of what’s personally holding us back and we hesitate to make healthy changes and burn our ships. Instead we are too quick to burn bridges with people we might need to reconnect with in the future. Next time you find yourself in a disagreement, keep this in mind: “Scoffers set a city aflame, but the wise turn away wrath. If a wise man has an argument with a fool, the fool only rages and laughs, and there is no quiet.” (Proverbs 29:8-9)

Click here: Published first in the Timesnew 3/3/23

Motivating yourself to Work

 If you don't ever catch yourself ever thinking, "I can't believe they're really paying me to do this" or if on occasion you don't feel guilty for getting paid to do your job, you're probably in the wrong line of work.  You should work in a field that you believe in, that gives you purpose, and that you find meaning in beyond the money, otherwise search elsewhere for "gainful employment."  

I'm getting pretty tired of hearing toxic platitudes about doing the least you can at work, like, "Normalize doing the bare minimum at work" or "Beware of working too hard, they punish the performers by giving them more of a work load."  If you love your vocation, you will devote yourself to it regardless of what your co-workers do or don't do -- if you don't love it, you'll end being miserable no matter how well you are compensated or how little effort you or anyone else puts in.

Poor management and overbearing leadership are not excuses for you to do less while you're on the clock.  In fact, doing less and whining about work equally brings down morale.  

I'm a capitalist, I do not think either socialism or communism works, so do not misunderstand me but you should work with all of your heart when you are on the job without thinking about the money.  Yes, yes, yes we should be compensated well for our efforts, but expending our energy and putting in our time has to be about more than the money or the boss or the coworkers or the clients or the customers, it should be about the fact that our vocation is what gets our feet out of the bed in the morning and we can't fall asleep the night before because we are so excited about our work.

Your vocation/occupation should thrill you and excite you to the point that even when you are vacation you look forward to getting back to work.  If your work doesn't captivate your heart & soul to the point you are almost consumed by it, you are missing out in life.  Think about it, we spend most of our adult life working, so it only makes sense to find a job we love.  

If your work doesn't motivate you based on its own merits, please find something more fulfilling, for yourself and those around you.  If you do a job you hate and it's making you miserable, you'll never be happy on your off hours.  Find work you enjoy and life becomes more enjoyable.  

 

Suicidal? you're never alone

I know this time of year isn't easy for many people.  If you are, and this isn't to be morbid, feeling less than positive about life, please know you are never alone.  Never.  

I felt like this was a good time to share my personal struggles again, not that I'm sad or struggling today.  But it came to my attention that it might be helpful to be vulnerable and share what goes on in my own mind.

Recently I had a conversation with a good friend I've known since grade-school, this friend confessed their dark struggles and thought I couldn't possible understand.  I shared how periodically there are times I ask Tammy to hide my guns for a while.  

My friend said they had no idea about my own dark struggles, after all it seems like I have "it all together."  I do have a great marriage.  We have great friends who love us.  We live in a beautiful home.   We are doing good.  We have a successful business.  I preach in a loving church.  On the outside my life looks pretty good, and it truly is.  I'm extremally blessed, far beyond what I deserve.  

That doesn't change what goes on, on the inside.  There really is no rhyme or reason, no tangible triggers to depression and suicidal thoughts, at least in my experience.   

My friend who shared they were hurting asked me to promise that before I doing anything permanently fatal that I reach out them and talk.  I promised I would.  It's comforting to know others also grapple or battle with similar demons, and they care enough to say, "hey let me know before you do anything..." 

I don't have any answers or solutions to the problem of suicide.  Yet, for those who like me who walk a fine line between this life and the next, I really just wanted to encourage you, you really aren't alone in the struggle.  There are more people who understand your struggle than perhaps you know.  You aren't alone. 

 https://youtu.be/D9F244ztjxA (this is a song I resonate with when life seems bleaker than I'd like)  

Why are we so different than our families?

 

John Hurley and Ronnie Wilkins wrote a popular song about (what is perhaps the greatest church cliché ever), a wild preacher’s son. After Aretha Franklin originally turned it down, Dusty Springfield was the first artist to record it. Growing up as a preacher’s daughter, Franklin thought the song was disrespectful. After “Son of a Preacher Man” became a huge hit Franklin released her own version. The rest is, as they say, history.

Politics aside, a question we rarely ask is why do children often grow up to be completely different than their parents? Instead we are more interested in a corollary question: Why do people growing up in the same home with the same parents, in the same neighborhood, attending the same primary schools, receiving the same ethical instructions and values, turn out to be very different adults?

How can the same household simultaneously produce an atheist, an agnostic and a believer? What causes family members living under the same roof their entire childhood to grow up to be police officers, others pastors, while some end up as prison inmates? Why do some children grow up to be pacifists while their siblings retire from the armed forces? How can the same family produce a scholar and then a salesman, with an artistic child seated at the table with their analytic sibling?

Why, for example, did my wife and I get married as teenagers, but my only sibling, my older brother, wait until he was 33 to get married? How is it, of our four sons, one was completely disinterested in college, two started but left, and only one son graduated?

Can you think of anything more puzzling in this life than the question of sibling diversity? This question is probably as old as Cain and Abel. It seems like a combination of nature and nurture must play a role in developing our individualism. After all, it is within our human nature to seek out our independence and a desire to create our own unique identity. It also seems like the harder children are forced into a certain mold, the more they rebel against their parents.

What shapes our disposition and character more than our upbringing? Yet, children with the same upbringing are so different, what accounts for these changes?

Hopefully with a few years under their belt, parents adapt their parenting styles and gain better parenting skills. So yes, we parent our children differently over our years of parenting. Also as the years pass, different siblings in any given family are also exposed to a variety of cultural influences, a multitude of opportunities, and unexpected choices.

Then again, there is a lot of unanticipated envy and resentment when our children perceive favoritism among their siblings. Children can rebel out of spite, feeling their siblings were pampered while they themselves were overly punished. Other children happen to fall in with the wrong crowd.

Some are rescued by a godsend of a spouse.

Other than our parents, our friend circles are probably the strongest influence on our personal development. Consider Paul’s powerful warning in I Corinthians 15:33, “Do not be deceived, bad company corrupts good character/morals.” Yes birds of a feather do flock together.

The reality is, there are no carbon copies when it comes to our children — the same home that raised an addict can turn out doctors or school teachers. Also, there is no such thing as a foolproof formula for child rearing. We need to tread cautiously when we try to encourage other frustrated parents with the old “Train up a child in the way they should go...” phrase. Proverbs 22:6 isn’t a guarantee that if we parent properly our children will make all the best choices in life. Proverbs 22:6 is a principle for parenting, not a promise of perfection.

Life is unpredictable. Perhaps there is no satisfactory answer as to why one child grows up to be cowardly while the other is courageous or why one child is an athlete and the other is a bookworm. But I’m not sure the deepest mystery of the universe is “why” do our children grow up to be so different, compared to a much greater mystery to me. Namely, why does God give us free will in the first place?

Originally published here: https://www.timesnews.net/living/features/craig-cottongim-why-are-siblings-so-different/article_a2cc657e-770f-11ed-b4d9-43ba86d2d2f5.html?fbclid=IwAR3tQ1xdUwadnFoTiax828i6fsbIHnPEjhQ-oMgIc0kuZUvrHyh0SJhHah8

Fight for it

 

She was radiantly beautiful, and in that enchanting moment she literally was like a vision from a fairytale.  I was so honored to be officiating her marriage because she was the nearest thing to a daughter I ever had -- in fact for over 20 years I had hoped this special young woman would grow up one day to marry one of our sons.  And, when I saw her walking down the aisle as the audience stood in unison, I lost control.  

I’ve performed plenty of weddings but this was a first for me.  The preacher isn’t supposed to lose his composure and bawl like a baby at times like this.  But it was useless to fight the tears, I was so choked up I was powerless to continue.  I began to cry so hard that her mother beside me, her bridesmaid, handed me her handkerchief.  I turned my back, collected myself, and then turned back and haltingly I continued the wedding ceremony.  

Almost nothing can compare to the joy of such momentous days.  We still have their “save the date” magnet on our fridge.  Next month marks the two year anniversary of their special day.  But presently that young couple is completely separated and sadly they are preparing to get divorced.  

I’m not sure why, but around 50% of all marriages dissolve.  There are many factors and variables leading into a divorce, from career choices to our friend circles, to the input of key people in our lives.   

I heard long ago that going through a divorce is like “fighting a skunk in a phone booth.”  If divorce was categorized as a disease, it would be our greatest epidemic -- sadly, somehow we’ve normalized it.  

There's more heartache experienced through divorce than most any other monumental tragedy in life.  And if there are children, the heartaches continue -- custody issues, ball games, graduations, their marriages, arrival of grandchildren, holidays, the list goes on of where you are awkwardly in attendance with your Ex over and over again.  

And, on top of this pain which divorcees experience, there are too many judgmental churches who hypocritically stigmatize the divorced, treating those in failed marriages as if they are failures themselves.  Shame on us for making anyone feel ostracized -- talk about shooting your wounded!

As the church, we probably need to dedicate more time praying more for our families as a whole.  We are nothing if we are not Christians who nurture the family unit.  I don’t care how many needs we meet in our community, if we neglect our families our work is in vain.  

I believe that all married couples can realistically reconcile their differences and that if they want to strongly enough, they can avoid divorce and work through any struggles, but only if they want to.  I also know, if they don’t want to work out their problems, they won’t.   Marriage isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth fighting for.  It’s time for the church to stand up and fight.  

Originally printed in the Kingsport Times news 11/11/22

https://www.timesnews.net/living/features/craig-cottongim-marriage-is-worth-fighting-for/article_6674479a-4a5f-11ed-9aee-a3598401ba6f.html

 

The tale of the faithful crockpot

 

I can't complain, it's part of being a homeowner.  This month the blower motor went out on the air handler and between having it diagnosed, getting the part ordered and getting it installed we were without heat/AC for two weeks.  Mere days after that repair, just yesterday morning hours before our houseguests arrived, our garbage disposal ruptured and leaked water everywhere.  But not to be outdone, yesterday evening our hot water heater gave up the ghost, leaving our guests the joy of taking cold showers as they were the ones to discover we had no hot water.  

If only more appliances were as dependable as our old Crockpot.   The Crockpot pictured above has served us faithfully for well over 20 years.  We picked it up at the end of the last century in Springfield, MO on our way back to Jacksonville, IL after attending the Tulsa Soul Winning Workshop.  To this day we use it regularly, and if you know us well you might even recognize it.  

This old Crockpot has never let me down.  At the church in Jacksonville we had monthly potlucks, and I cooked dozens of cornedbeefs in those days.  I'd run to the fellowship-hall on Saturday night, set the Crockpot on low, and by time church was over Sunday, voila!  Here in Kingsport as well, the old Crockpot provided for many a potluck in our early days here.  And who knows how many meals we've cooked at home, or how many gallons of soupbeans we've cooked or meals shared over the years.

This old Crockpot has helped us bless others with the gift of hospitality numerous times, to many times to remember, and it has been a faithful standby for many homemade meals.  I only wish the folks who made our "slow cooker" could have made the rest of our appliances...

I know our recent inconveniences with failed appliances are nothing compared to the travails suffered from recent flooding in Southeast KY, or the pounding the folks took in FL from their recent hurricane.  And again, I'm really not complaining about these repairs, it's to be expected because nothing lasts forever.  I'm grateful for a roof over our heads, a warm bed to sleep in, plenty to eat, and that we have the resources to pay for our repairs when these things happen, God is good.